This is a songfic to Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes". Only I changed the chorus a little bit. Now it's "behind these emerald eyes". Guess who's POV it's from? Anyway, enjoy. There's gonna be a sort of sequel to this coming next, hopefully.
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Behind These Emerald Eyes, I'm Dying
It's ironic, isn't it? Just yesterday, no, just a few hours ago, you were here with me. Then, after you left, not even an hour had gone by, but I missed you already. Your temper, your curiosity, your pride, you always reminded me of a kitten. You even looked like one when you sleep. I can just imagine you glaring at me for that. I suddenly felt this pain in my chest, as though someone had dropped a boulder on my chest, then the phone rang, and Yusuke started babbling. All I could make out was 'Hiei' 'car' 'accident'.
I don't remember much after that. I might have answered. My mind froze and all I could think was "No, no, no, no, no." I thought that denying it could make the phone call a nightmare. But I knew it wasn't. How could I live without you? You were the reason that wanted to be strong, so I could protect you, keep myself alive to live for you. If you weren't there, how could I go on?
Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
I remember the first time we ever embraced each other, in your arms, I was safe. Like nothing could ever touch us when we were together. Wherever we were together, as long as I could hold you, nothing could be wrong. Our own portable Utopia. If I could just hear your voice, one last time, telling me everything would be fine, but I can't. Nothing will ever be fine again, because you aren't there to make it so.
"Shuichi?" 'kaasan is gently prying the phone from my hand. "Shuichi, what is it?" she asks.
I shake my head, stand, and walk out to the garden. If I tell her, hearing myself say it will only confirm the truth.
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
I try to breath in the soft scent of my roses to calm my nerves, breathing hurts my chest. Gasping, I sit amidst the roses and bury my face in my palms. I know that if I held a mirror, my gaze would freeze my blood in my veins. You pointed out once that when I get upset, I just go cold. My eyes are cold, but my body is consumed by agony. I'm not crying, though I should be. I want to. But Botan told me once that demons that die in Ningenkai usually hang around for a awhile, if you're here, I don't want you to see the pain I'm suffering. I want you to pass on thinking that I'll be fine, even though I won't be.
I go to bed without eating, lying on top of the sheets we shared only two hours before. Sleep won't be coming tonight. I lay here and reminisce about the hours we'd spend here, just holding eachother tightly. Then I remember that we'll never be able to do it again and I know that soon I'll loose it completely.
Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
It occurs to me that I've felt this pain once before. Back then, I had hoped never to feel it again. When Kuronue died, going back for that pendant. If only I'd never given it to him, he would still be alive now. If only. But if he had lived, I never would have met you. I never would have lost you to a car accident.
I still can't understand it. You were the fastest of all of us, how could you get hit by a car? Why didn't you dodge it? Even as my pain tears me apart inside, I'm angry with you. You were supposed to be the one who would stay with me forever. You were the one I would grow old with. You promised me, "I'm not going anywhere, fox." Your exact words.
You lied to me.
I'll never be able to lecture you about it either. You'll never know how torn I am, because you can't the tears I'll never allow myself to cry. The tears I refused to shed every time you came to me with a fresh injury from your patrols. If you had ever known, I'm certain you would have gone to Mukuro's doctors instead. I could never allow that, how could I know they would take care of you correctly? I'm rambling, thinking of things that feel like they occurred over a decade ago, when it was really only a few days ago that you came to me a gash on your arm and a broken rib.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes
You knew everything there was to know about me. I told you everything, my past, my present, my hopes of the future. Despite your cynical mask, you never once scoffed at me. Instead you returned the favor by sharing with me your past and present. Not even with Kuronue did I ever feel secure enough to confide my most secret desires. No one but you ever knew that I wanted a kit of my own. That I wanted that predominantly human luxury of a home in a rural area with the love of my life, you, and our child. You never responded to that.
I asked you what you hoped for for the future, one New Year's Eve when I invited you over to celebrate with me, with my mother and step-father away on a vacation. You answered "I don't have enough of a future to hope for anything." I tried to convince you otherwise. It worked, at least for that night.
Without you, I have no one left to be myself around. Everyone else sees me as the "intelligent one", the "reasonable one". I'm supposed to be the one everyone can count on. The one everyone can turn to when the world seems about ready to implode on itself. You were the one I went to. The one who held me up, along with the burdens heaped on to me by others. That's all that's left, the me I pretend to be. Without you to acknowledge the real me.
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
At the funeral service, before your cremation, I sit with Yusuke and Kuwabara while everyone pays their respects. You should have seen it, Mukuro and her soldiers, Jin, Toya, Chu, Rinku, Suzuki, Shishiwakamaru, Hinageshi, even a few demons I didn't know, but recognized from the Makai Tournament. Along with the usual crowd. Yukina left a Hiruseki on your shrine.
I sat in silence, smiling and nodding polite thanks to everyone who spoke. Yusuke and even Kuwabara were near tears. Yukina's alot like you, you know. Perceptive. She was the only one who noticed my charade.
So together, but so broken up inside
After everyone left, I was alone with your little shrine and the mementos and offering left by all the friends you never knew you had. I asked Botan if you were still hanging about on Ningenkai in spirit form, she said no. But I don't doubt the possibility that you ordered her to say it, so as not to upset me. I knew she lied.
I told you once that I always know when you're near to me, it's true even now. I can feel your spirit beside me, watching me.
Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
I refuse to cry infront of you. I want you to move on to the after life without worrying about me. I must not be thinking straight, you could read me like a book. I don't think that talent would change because you're dead.
"Dammit, Hiei," I blurt out. "Why the hell did you have to die on me?" I ask the incense-clouded air. "You promised me you'd stay with me. You swore I'd never have to suffer the same pain I went through with Kuronue while I was with you. You lied to me."
This pain is too much for me to bear. I have no one to help me carry it. All of our friends? They would never understand what we had. My mother knew about us, but how could she know what it's like to loose someone who owned your heart? I handed you my heart and then you crushed it, unintentionally, yes. But crushed it all the same.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes
You consumed me, made me a part of you. I would have followed you to hell and back again if you had asked it of me. We were nearly inseparable, until you died on me. You went where I couldn't follow. I know it wasn't your fault you died, but then it was. You abandoned me here in the living world and I hate you for it. I blame myself for letting you get close enough to hurt me like this. You promised me, I believed you. For the first time in centuries, I opened up completely. Then you betrayed me, and died.
Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
I know I shouldn't, the pain is already so hard to contain. But I have to see your face one last tiem before they cremate you. I open the wooden casket.
You didn't look asleep like they always say the dead seem. When you slept, you always curled up like a little kitten, your face was always serene, unless you had nightmares.Then your eyebrows would furrow and you'd start to twitch, fighting off invisible enemies. You don't look asleep. You look dead, your face is lacking in the soft light that always illuminated those crimson eyes. Your face is paler than usual, white like marble.
Seeing your body like this, the stiff and cold way your body lays there, it almost kills me right here. A tear escapes my notice and drips onto your inanimate face. Nothing happens, of course. And why should it? Crying never brought anyone back to life. My tears now, as always, are useless.
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore
No one has ever touched me like you did. As Yoko Kurama, I wasn't affected byanything. I was untouchable, an unattainable idol to my followers. Kuronue scratched the surface of that shell that surrounded me for centuries. You shattered it completely. The pain I suffered from Kuronue's death was nothing compared to this. I've been shattered like a wine glass on the floor, shards too small and scattered to ever be put back together again. All because of you. This is the reason why both of us had shut ourselves off from the feelings and affections of others. We both let ourselves become involved in what you called "ningen foolishness", and this is the result: anguish.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these emerald eyes
