Chapter 5 –
A/N - The next chapter won't be done until my exams are over. This takes a backseat to my university applications I'm afraid. Sad but true.
The car journey back to the lab was quiet to say the least. In the end Sara had been forced to turn the radio on, the thought of having to make small talk not at all appealing under the circumstances. She was grateful for the fact that he had taken her revelation far better than she had expected. He hadn't blamed her, or had a fit of panic as yet. But thinking about it, it had probably not fully sunk in for him yet. After all it had taken her months to truly get used to the idea. He couldn't be expected to grasp the entirety of it within minutes. He would surely lose the plot once he actually slowed down enough to think about the implications of this development on his life - on both of their lives. Whether he liked it or not there was now a bond between them, one that was not going to go away.
The two CSI's dropped off several pieces of evidence at the lab; including several blood samples and a hair to Greg, and some trace material from the victim's jacket to Hodges, before leaving again. It was the middle of shift so how they were going to explain away their absence she didn't know. Sara was also not entirely sure where they were going, and didn't like to ask. She was more than a little surprised when they turned off the main road into a quiet residential street. She didn't recognise Grissom's townhouse until they were right outside it, having not been there for a couple of years at least. She quickly glanced across at Grissom; who appeared not to notice her surprise - or if he did he wasn't about to say anything. He simply parked the car and motioned for her to follow him.
She knew he had said they would talk. What she had not known was that it would be this soon, or that this was what he had in mind. She wanted a little more time to plan out what she was going to say, this was not the kind of thing you could come up with on the spur of the moment, and get your true feelings across. Also, had she had a choice, she would have chosen somewhere far more neutral. Being in his house would cloud her judgement far more than she would have liked. Then again, at least if she was here she could just leave if it became too awkward.
He turned the key to get into his townhouse and held the door open as Sara entered. She gave him a brief smile before looking past him at the room. "Would you like something to drink?" He asked as he gestured for her to sit.
Sara nodded slowly, letting her gaze float over the main room picking out several areas of interest. "Just a glass of water," she murmured, walking slowly around his glass coffee table and looking casually at the contents of his bookshelves. Grissom nodded and wandered through to the kitchen island, dropping his keys into a bowl on the sideboard as he passed.
Sara had found recently that the best thing about working graveyard was that no one questioned her for wearing thick coats or fleece most of the time, but in Grissom's warm - if a little sterile - home she was forced to remove at least two of her layers. The top she had on beneath was thin and tight enough that her swelling belly was now fairly obvious. Even though she realised he already knew about it for some reason being this - exposed - still worried her. She had grown used to hiding herself for so long, it almost seemed strange not to. She put her coat and jumper across the arms of the sofa and walked towards the collection of butterflies she found mounted on the wall. She ran a finger hesitantly over the frame.
Grissom re-entered the room with two glasses of water and walked to where Sara was stood, lost in thought, staring at the butterflies. He placed the glasses on the side table and hesitantly brushed his fingers over the skin at her shoulders. Sara shivered at the contact and spun to face him. Her skin was tingling where he had touched her and his glow of his blue eyes shone in the half light of the room. They scanned her figure taking in the new curves that came with her pregnancy with a sense of wonder, and unless she was imagining it joy. It re-awakened dreams she had, had when she had first found out she was pregnant; where everything would turn out well, dreams she had quickly banished to the back of her mind, for fears of getting her hopes up only to have them dashed.
She was still scared, there was the distinct chance he would tell her he wanted nothing to do with her. He hadn't said anything about how he felt about this turn of events. Just that she should have told him and that he was sorry. Not exactly the response she had hoped for. Although she had prepared herself for this sort of response it didn't make it hurt any less. She had primed herself as well as she could, but now she was here she knew that no amount of preparation would allow her to keep her emotions behind that wall if he turned her away.
His eyes met hers and she felt as if they could see through her. See into the recesses of her heart like no one else could. The amount of control he had over her scared her, and yet he made her innumerably happy in equal measure whenever he was near.
"Are you happy?" Grissom murmured a look of concern and fear flitted across his features. "…about this, in any way?"
"I could be." Sara replied quietly her eyes falling from his to gaze at the floor in contemplation. Before he could stop himself Grissom had taken a step closer to her and rested his forehead against her his warm breath fanned her face. Her hands entwined with his. There was something that always drew him to her, a magnetism that was more trouble than he had ever thought it could be.
"Griss," Sara breathed she took a deep cleansing breath before continuing "You and I both know that this scenario never ends well." It felt to her, despite her words, that it was exactly right - and lord knew it was what she wanted. But it seemed that sense prevailed and Grissom slowly pulled back and guided her over to the sofa handing her a glass of water. Her lips twitched as she smiled her thanks.
"Does anyone else know?" He asked quietly. He guessed that the number of people who were aware of the whole story would be tiny but thought he should check, just in case. He wanted to be aware of what he could say and to whom.
"Just my doctor and Cath, and I haven't said much. I think she probably has some ideas of her own though." She took a sip of her water and with her free hand reached down towards her bag digging around for a moment before producing a copy of a sonogram picture and handing it to Grissom. "You can keep that. I have another copy." Sara paused before continuing. "How about you, are you? …Happy I mean?"
"More than you will ever know." Grissom said quietly without missing a beat. Sara's heart leaped at his words. His response meant more to her than she had realised and that it was positive made her face glow with relief before clouding over once more. There was another pause before she voiced her final question.
"Then why do you push me away?" her voice cracked betraying her inner anguish. There was something missing from his quiet admission, and she didn't like to think what it might mean. His whole demeanour was betraying a different story than his words were telling. It was not a comforting insight.
"For all the reasons we've always talked about, but that doesn't mean I ever wanted to." He reached his hand over once more to hold hers. "I would never want to hurt you. I thought I was protecting you, protecting myself." He exhaled slowly, still gripping the sonogram in his right hand. "You have to know that."
He gently put his arm around her and pulled her form tightly against his chest. She relaxed into him knowing that was exactly where she wanted to be. It made her feel completely safe for the first time in a long while. She knew somewhere inside that it probably would not last, it never did - but for the moment it felt pretty damn good. She also knew that it would hurt all the more when he forced himself to walk away.
She knew there were things they desperately needed to talk about but she couldn't bring herself to break the comfort zone that they seemed to have entered for the moment. Later - they could talk later.
A/N - Yeah, they will get to this talk eventually. I'm procrastinating so badly, and I know it. I hate writing deep conversations. They always turn out so cheesy.
