6. Maturity.
T: Time for Subaru to prove what a difference a few years will make to this situation… Pre warning for a cliff hanger…mwhaha! Also a belated thanks to Silver Salamander who is kindly taking up the Beta duties for this story…THANK YOU! Ahem, that out of the way I say again that warnings are the same and that I am still not a member of Clamp.
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About an hour after my sister had left Seishiro appeared at my doorway.
He is smiling…truly smiling and he is clutching a small bouquet of sakura blossoms in his arms…
The smile falters as he spots Kamui on my sofa and the boy responds by tipping his mug of tea in greeting and smiling politely.
"Kamui-kun had come to keep me company."
"So I see…Subaru-kun could I have a moment alone with you?"
"I have to ring Sorata-san anyway." Kamui remarks as he stands, grabs a-hold of the phone and takes it with him into my bedroom.
"How can I help you Seishiro-san?"
"I came to see if you might like to come to dinner tonight."
He is hesitant and I feel a little more confident because of that, for it means I am in control of the situation.
I still need to hear some answers before I know what I wish to do with that power, however, and thus I take the bouquet and placing it into a vase I gesture for him to take a seat.
I sit as far from him as the couch will allow and place my hands onto my lap so as to avoid the temptation to touch him before I say,
"You are Sakurazukamori."
"Yes."
"And you have marked me for death?"
"No."
"No?"
His smile deepens again and he reaches for my hands.
"I saw the irrepressible brilliance of your soul, Subaru-kun and I feared that unless I caged that brilliance it would grow far beyond my reach."
"You feared that I would leave you?"
"How could I not? There was but the one truth of that kiss in our relationship. Everything else has been fabrication and illusion."
This is a truth and yet to hear it posed as such only helps return the feeling of stupidity that had plagued me earlier in the day.
"Do you love me, Seishiro-san?"
"Yes."
"Why? You have known me only three days now and already you talk of leasing me as if it would be as death for you."
"It was fate, Subaru-kun…or at least it was as such on my end."
"For the Sakurazukamori loves but once in their lifetime and thus I had been destined to find you and to love you always."
It made sense that if Seishrio-san was destined to love me, then I had been destined to feel in kind and yet why?
What purpose could there be for destiny to tie together our lives when by blood we were opposed always?
'You are only enemies if you desire such a thing.'
I had thought it foolish at the time, after all, what did it matter what we wanted if fate had set us against one another?
Yet thinking on it again now, when Seishiro was so very close and my own desire was to hold him close and never let him go…
So many times before I had removed myself from the burdens of my blood, had pretended that I was ordinary and though that would be the simplest way out of this mess, I had now others to consider as well as myself.
"Seishiro, I love you…but I can not be your lover.
"Not because you are Sakurazukamori or even because fate has set a divide between us.
"It is simply because I can not now step away from this battle."
"It is because of Kamui, is it not?"
I nod and he sighs,
"I will respect your wish for now, Subaru. But I shall not let this be.
"I love you, after all."
He kisses me and I pull him closer if only so that I might memorise the moment.
If only so I can keep it in my heart once my desire to protect Kamui as he had protected me has driven an eternal divide between Seishiro and myself.
"Good bye, Seishiro."
"For now." He replies before he leaves the apartment at last.
Kamui comes in a moment after that and he listens to my explanation of the situation, of my choice and then he again offers me the comfort of his embrace.
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So much has changed since Seishiro-san walked out of my life.
Kamui has lost his aunt and his beloved Kotori had been slaughtered by her own brother.
This last had almost been enough to break the boy and yet he had risen above the hurt and found in his heart a Wish to live for.
What that Wish is he will not tell me and yet I am not saddened for that fact, for we have agreed to tell one another everything we believe there is a necessity to discuss.
Kamui has also become my roommate.
The arrangement beginning simply because Kamui had been sleeping over every time he visited and thus it had made sense for him to keep a little of his stuff here and as the visits had become more frequent it had been logical that he simply take my spare bedroom.
I have allowed him to take such liberties because I had began to enjoy his company…began to see him as an almost brotherly figure in my life.
It is odd that I have allowed him to come so close, yet Seishiro-san had opened out my heart, had taught me what it was to care and in doing as such had changed me enough so that letting another in was easier.
Yet Kamui would never become as Seishiro-san was to me…
Nor indeed would any other take that place in my heart.
For that part of me was Seishiro-san's alone.
Occasionally I would find myself tempted to seek him out so that I might apologise and that we might spend our eternity together.
Yet I knew that I had to be mature about the situation…believed that while there is the will in my heart to protect Kamui I can not be with Seishiro-san.
My sister and I meet regularly for ice cream and she tells me how silly I am being, how much my loss has affected the man behind the Sakurazukamori mask. She also tells me of what he is doing with himself now.
Today she seems reluctant to discuss such thing and there is a shadow in her eyes that unnerves me.
"Hokuto-chan…he is alright, is he not?"
"I am not allowed to tell you, Subaru."
"This at his request, I suppose?"
"He said that if you wished to know how he was you could ask him yourself."
"I see. Did you manage the other today?"
She nods and catching the curiosity in my eyes she says,
"It took me a great while to break through the defences that surround his inner self…indeed once he almost succeeded in expelling me entirely.
"Yet eventually I found 'Fuuma' within the void."
"Is there hope, Hokuto-chan? Or is he too far beneath that dark presence?"
"I do not know. He dreams only of an ordinary life, of having Kamui still his friend and of being simply Fuuma.
"Yet that shadow lingers in that world always and I caught him dreaming of his own death…of Kamui killing him."
"I suppose it was too much to hope that it would be clear cut."
She sighs and stretching for my hand informs me,
"Subaru, even if it had been clear that Fuuma could be saved it would make no difference. Only one Kamui can survive this war, after all."
"Yet if we could change Fuuma back he would no longer be a Kamui and we could end this war peacefully…could end it without harming Kamui."
"If Kamui can lease the hope of such a possibility, Subaru, then perhaps you should also…perhaps you should think more on what you wish from this war…"
"Hokuto-chan, I know that you do not understand this but my wishes are not as important as Kamui's."
"You love Seishiro-chan, Subaru and he loves you…of course I can not understand why you have turned away from that!"
Silence and I realise then that she is on edge, that my initial thought that something about today was not right had been correct.
"Hokuto-chan something is wrong, is it not?"
"I promised to stay silent and I do not wish to break that promise and yet I fear what may happen if I keep it…"
"I will guess. That way you do not have to say anything and thus you are retaining your promise."
"Okay."
"Is it something to do with Seishiro-san?" She nods and instantly my good mood fades.
"Is he hurt?"
A violent shake of the head.
"Is he sick?"
A hesitant nod.
"Is he sick but not ill?"
A more confident nod.
"Is it magical?"
Again a hesitant nod.
"Is it because of me?"
A nod is all it takes for me to gain my feet and enquire,
"Where is he?"
"I will show you." She responds as she takes a-hold of my hand.
I know that I should remain away, that I should allow him to sort whatever this was on his own and yet…
My heart could no longer be denied.
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T: The plot finally makes an appearance in the next chapter so stay tuned and R+R as it's the only way I know you care!
