Chapter Title: Tea Party DOOM

Characters: Scar, Ed, Liz, Liz's brother, Liz's mother

Pairings: None! I can't write romance for the life of me!

Spoilers: Nope.

Warnings: Cursing, scary little girls

Disclaimer: If I owned the show, this fanfic would be part of it. Unfortunately I don't own it. XP

A/N: Beh. I hate QuickEdit. It won't let me do double punctuation or put my little -'s as the first thing in a paragraph. Beh.

"regular speech"

'thoughts'

cat speech-


This is your fault, Fullmetal...- Scar, aka Fluffy, growled.

I didn't know this would happen! She stole my dignity too, you know. Even more than yours! She thinks I'm a girl!- Ed, aka Muffin, defended his position valiantly.

The hapless pair had been taken back to Liz's home, and were immediately carried to her room and locked in with her. Her brother was left to explain to their parents why there were now two cats in the house, while Liz…played. Playing as in a good old fashioned game of 'Dress Up The Cats In Doll Clothes And Play House'. Scar was currently decked out in a button-up white shirt, blue overcoat, socks, boots, and a top hat that was painfully smashed down over his ears. Poor Ed was much worse off. Liz was firmly convinced in her five-year-old mind that he was a girl, and as such had forced him into a frilly pink dress, ballerina slippers, and a pink bonnet with purple polka-dots. Of course, seeing as how they were cats, nothing fit right and it was highly uncomfortable for both of them, especially the shoes and hats. When she was finished with them, she draped a blanket around her shoulders, then dragged them out from under the bed where they had attempted to hide while she was distracted and dropped them in the corner of the room where they were trapped and couldn't run away.

The terror that was Liz proclaimed loudly, "Now, I'm going to be the Pwincess, an' you," she pointed to Ed, "awe going to be the Queen, an' you," she pointed to Scar, "awe going to be the King. That means you'we my pwetend mommy an' daddy!" At this statement, Scar and Ed each gave the other a very odd glance and edged away from each other as far as possible. Liz continued, "An' we'we going to have a woyal tea pawty! I just have to go get cups an' the teapot, so I'll be wight back!" she ran out of the room, closing the door behind her and thus crushing any hope of escape for the moment; however, this did give Ed a chance to unsuccessfully attempt the removal of the horrid pink clothing.

Scar moved to the closed window as best he could in his little 'outfit', and after several attempts at jumping onto the ledge were foiled by 'those bloody boots', finally made it and stared out onto the street. The alley was really not very far from the house they were in; only a few houses to the left of it actually. He could see the entrance to it…and the blue uniforms of the military as a group of them headed in. He flicked his tail, -Fullmetal.-

Ed looked up briefly from his struggle with the bonnet, -What do you want?-

Scar replied indifferently, -The military seems to be searching for you.-

That got Ed's attention. He scrambled up onto the window ledge, nearly knocking Scar off and receiving a glare for it. -Why didn't you say so in the first place? Are they looking this way?- Ed put his front paws up against the glass and shouted towards the search party, -HEY! OVER HERE! LOOK THIS WAY! HEEEYY!- Of course, none of the military searchers could hear him at all, and if they did, they thought nothing of what, to them, was a cat's meaningless yowling.

Seeing how utterly useless Ed's shouting was, Scar flattened his ears against his skull to muffle the noise and growled, -Stop that screeching at once, Fullmetal.- When he was ignored, Scar repeated himself louder and more threateningly. Still, Ed continued to shout. So Scar cuffed him on the head again. Ed took a distracted retaliatory swipe (which missed by a mile) and continued shouting. Scar's patience was at an absolute end. With a snarl, the furious Ishbalan again cuffed Ed, this time so hard that the younger 'cat' fell off the window ledge and onto the floor with an audible 'thump'.

Now Ed directed his shouting at Scar as he attempted to get back onto the ledge, -Why are you stopping me? I need to get their attention!-

Scar knocked him off the ledge again with a hiss, this time jumping down as well and using his paws to pin Ed to the floor. The young alchemist thrashed and shouted, attempting to break free, but it was not hard for the much larger and stronger cat to hold him in place. But then, somehow, Ed managed to twist his head around and bite Scar's left foreleg. That was the last straw. -FULLMETAL!- Scar practically roared as he swiped at Ed's face with claws extended, leaving three, thin, bleeding scratches across his cheek. It can be noted with some irony that it was Scar's right paw that inflicted the scratches. At any rate, this was finally enough to shut Ed up; he stilled almost instantly and glared up at Scar, golden eyes wide with a mixture of anger and desperation. Scar didn't notice, as he was far too angry by now to care. He snarled, -Stupid child. If you had any sense in your head at all you would see that your noise is absolutely useless. Not only are they be unable to hear you, even if they could they would pay no attention. If they did find themselves interested enough to investigate your screeching, they would not recognize you. The only thing you are accomplishing with your foul racket is giving me a headache. I will let you up now, but if you begin again I will be forced to knock you out.- Scar removed his paws from on top of Ed and began to walk away, then turned his head, eyes narrowed and voice cold, -Consider yourself warned, Fullmetal.- He then jumped back onto the window ledge and looked out in silence. Ed didn't move from where he lay, and he seemed to be in a bit of shock from the outburst; it was only very, very rarely that Scar completely lost his temper like that. And so for the next few minutes a tense and awkward silence reigned. Until…

"I'm back, King Fluffy an' Queen Muffin!" Liz skipped into the room, carrying in her arms three cups and a teapot, all made of tin. "Mommy an' Daddy said that I could only keep you fow today," she made a sad face while both Scar and Ed felt a rush of relief, "So we'll have to pway lots an' lots today!" The relief, however, was short-lived.

Liz set up the three cups in a triangle on the floor, with the teapot in the middle, and carried Ed and Scar to their respective 'seats'. The two of them had decided, individually of each other, to just bear whatever was to come; after all, there was barely half a day left until they were free of this house for good. However, the resolution was to be put to the test in some of the most terrible ways imaginable.

Half an hour later…

'If that…that monster shoves my face into that cup one more time…' Scar thought grimly, leaving the sentence unfinished as he could think of no punishment terrible enough. And for Scar, that's saying something. Yes, the 'woyal tea pawty' was still going, and to the uttermost thanks of both Ed and Scar Liz seemed to finally be becoming bored with it. Thank goodness for the relatively short attention spans of young children. But 'not quite short enough', was the general feeling that pervaded the room, however. Fortunately for Liz, Scar's unfinished threat would not be carried out; after a grand total of 56 cups of invisible tea between the three of them, the little girl finally decided that she was done.

"Okay, it's time fow the pawty to be ovew," Liz said brightly, "Now it's time fow anothew game! How about…pet doctow! I'll be the doctow, an' you can be the patients, okay?" as she finished speaking, she scooped up Ed and extended his right foreleg, "Oh no, you have a bwoken awm, Muffin! You need a cast!" she dumped him unceremoniously onto the floor, ran to her clothes drawers, and began to dig through them.

Ed groaned, -At least the tea party is over…how could anything be worse?-

But he spoke too soon. Within seconds, Liz had returned with a white sock, which she tied into a messy and far too tight knot around Ed's 'broken arm'. Then she turned her attention onto Scar.

Three Hours Later…

The game of doctor had ended, leaving both Ed and Scar covered in makeshift sock bandages to the point where they could barely move. Then had come possibly the worst game yet; 'Kitty Wedding'. Neither of the two could even look at each other after that one. Then came the most painful game of the day, a game known as 'Throw Kitty On The Bed And See How High He Bounces'. Then there was Tag (aka Chase Kitty Around The Room). It was horrible, all of it, and there didn't seem to be any sort of end in sight. But finally, finally, they saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It was in the form of Liz's mother telling the still-energetic girl that it was time to get ready for bed. And to do this, she had needed to open the door. Scar and Ed took their chance while it was still there, and bolted as fast as they could out of the Room of a Thousand Horrors. They were found by Liz's brother, who gave them a sympathetic look and took the doll clothes and the odd sock bandage off of them. Shortly afterwards, it was time at last for them to escape for good.

"Say 'bye' to the kitties now, Liz," said Liz's mother as she began to open the front door, but not nearly fast enough for the poor, abused 'cats'.

"B-but I d-don' wa-annaaa!" Liz whined and sniffled. Neither Scar nor Ed felt the least bit sorry for her.

"We've been through this before, Liz. We can't keep any kitties," said Liz's mother sternly, "Now say 'bye'."

"O-oka-ay…B-bye Fluffy! Bye M-muffin!" Liz waved as the door was finally opened and the relieved pair streaked out into the night. They had barely survived…their Tea Party DOOM!


A/N: That was fun, yes?
Crowds: YES!
Dangerous enough?
Crowds: Nooooo!
Didn't think so. Anyway, time to answer reviews!

PhantomAlchemist: Poor, poor Ed. -cackles evilly-

Lunatic Pandora1: Hehehe…funny.

Scar's fangurl: There aren't nearly enough of them, are there? You've got some nice fanfics about him yourself.