Chapter One Thousand and Nine

The Tree Step Program:

"…And then there was this one time at band camp. I took a flute and stuck it up my…" Sorry, wrong movie. Captain Jack Sparrow stands on the mast of what he thinks is his boat, noticing that it's filling up with water he stands there and does nothing about it. The only thing he does is stare at another boat. A really small boat that has a yellow glowing hamster at its helm. It strikes Captain Jack Sparrow funny that a hamster can pilot a boat all by its little lonesome. Another thing that strikes Captain Jack Sparrow, as even more odd about the whole hamster thing, is the fact that the hamster is giving Jack the finger. My cat is in the way again and she doesn't seem like she wants to move. There she goes. Then Jack notices three pirate skeletons hanging with a sign "pirates ye be welcome" and waves to the three skeletons. The skeletons wave back and are happy too get any sort of attention. The boat finally reaches its destination, the port of some city. As Captain Jack Sparrow sails into port he gathers the attention of the people who are going about doing their business. They stop to watch as the proud Jack stands on the mast of his sinking boat. His boat sinks lower and lower until he is at the dock and is able to simply walk off the boat's mast.

As Jack walks down the dock toward land he passes an unimportant man holding a book. The unimportant man addresses Jack and says, "What – hey. Hold up, there, you. Yes you woman. It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock." Both the men look at the sunken ship. Jack looks at the unimportant man and said, "Did you just call me a woman and are you really going to charge me for sinking my boat at your dock?"

The unimportant man said, "Yes I did and matter a fact I am." Then the unimportant man with the book added "And I shall need to know your name." Jack digs into his pockets and says, "What do you say to a single shilling…" he gives the single shilling to the unimportant man and continues to say, "…and we forget the name?" The unimportant man takes Jacks single shilling gratefully and says, "Welcome to Port Royal, Mrs. Smith. Thank you, come again."

Mrs. Smith notices the unimportant mans moneybag and picks it up. Jack throws the bag at the unimportant man. The bag hits the unimportant man in the head and knocks him into the water. Jack went to where the moneybag fell picked it up and left the dock. As the unimportant man was getting out of the water he noticed a really small boat. A small boat that looked like it belonged to a hamster. Dun Dun DUUUNNNNNN! The plot thickens…

The scene changes all of a sudden, confusing Jack to no end. At first he was on the dock and now he's at some ceremony. Jack then notices a maroon colored glowing hamster on the floor near his feet. He notices that the hamster looks just as confused as he was when the scene changed. Jack realizing that he was among a bunch of solders and knew he had to hide some place so as not to get caught. You all know what happens to a pie-rat that is caught by the authority. A short drop a sudden stop and a glass of cold milk. So Jack decided to hide behind a stone archway. Jack notices men marching and he pans his attention across people who have been enslaved for Norrington's promotion ceremony. Then his eyes finally fall on Elizabeth. She and others are fanning them selves for the heat of the afternoon and are hoping for their pain to end. I meant for the ceremony to end. Elizabeth notices Jack standing behind the archway Norrington is to come through and yells to Jack, "Help me. Please help me." And of course no one pays attention to the down syndrome child.

Jack realized that he is standing behind the archway in which Norrington (even though Jack doesn't know Norrington at this point.) is going to go through to get to his new sword. Jack got the wonderful idea of putting a strong rope across the archway near the bottom. All done so he can watch the poor man trip and fall and make a fool of himself. See, I told you it was a good idea too glue my butt shut.

The scene changes yet again which confuses Jack even more. Jack is now standing looking at a boat. Jack looks around to get his bearings then heads toward the boat he was looking at when the scene changes for a third time. Jack is back at Norrington's promotion ceremony, but not in the same spot as before. Some random man yells out "Two paces march!" a group of solders standing in a line. The solders part to make way for Norrington. The random man yells another order "Right about face! Present arms!" One of the solders asks, "Present our arms? But I don't wont to present my arms. I like them where they are. I don't want to give my arms up. Please don't make me give up my arms." The solders put their guns together to form a tunnel of guns for Norrington to walk down. Norrington came running through the archway, screaming like mad, when his feet got entangled into some rope that someone put across the archway near the bottom. Jack notices that Norrington's attire is in complete disarray. It looked like Norrington had been in a fight with a violet glowing hamster.

Norrington yelled "WWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" as he went down. Norrington tried to gain his balance but was unable to. As he fell he went right into a solder holding a gun. Unfortunately, the sharp knife thing on the end of the gun did not injure Norrington. As Norrington went down he took down the entire line of solders as he went down. As the solders went down some of them accidentally shot their guns. One of the solders accidentally shot, and killed Elizabeth. Jack enjoyed watching his prank come into full bloom. It made Jack proud to be a pie-rat, at the site in which he had created. Pie-rats Rule!

Norrington enjoyed his trip to the ground. He thought it was painful but fun. He got up and ran as fast as he could to where the Governor was standing and waiting to give him his five cent award for something he did. He grabbed the Governor by his lapels and screamed, "Don't trust glowing hamsters in large groups! When one goes off the rest get going, and there is nothing you can do about it!" The Governor looked at Norrington like he was the mad man he really was, and asked "What? What are you going on about dear boy?" "We must leave immediately to over throw the glowing hamsters!" Norrington screamed. "What about your award ceremony and your five cent sword?" The Governor asked the now psycho Norrington. Norrington looked around in a confused state and asked, "I get a sword?" The Governor a little annoyed said, "Yes Norrington you get a shinny new sword with your promotion. Remember the sword made by the gay man who is soon too steal your wife away from you?" Norrington calmed down and said, "Oh yea, carry on then." Elizabeth looks very uncomfortable in her corset, but no one notices or cares. Finally Governor Swann takes a sword from a table and presents it to Norrington. Norrington happily takes the sword and unsheathes it and swings it around like a moron, cutting a few people's heads off while he is at it.

The scene changes on poor Jack for a fourth time. "Okay the scene changing constantly is getting me confused and very nauseated. So stop it!" Jack yells out to no one in particular. Jack finds him self on a ram. He gets off the ram and heads down to the boat he was originally headed for. Jack passes two solders that where sitting about doing nothing. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum notice Jack and go after him. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum run in front of Jack cutting him off from his path to the boat.

Thinking he is good enough to talk to someone. Tweedle-Dee addresses Jack and says, "Dis duck is off lime-its to subilians and pie-rats."

Yossi thinks that even with a bloody mouth and a shovel ready to kill his wife Johnny Depp is still hot. Johnny Depp reapplied to the two things "I'm terribly sorry I didn't know. If I see one I shall inform you immediately." Jack tried to proceed on to his destination when he is again thwarted by the irritating Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum.

Jack thinks he should push both the men into the water if they don't stop bothering him but decides against it, thinking that he can get around them with out having to push them into the water.

"Apparently there's some sort of high toned and fancy to do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that two dumb, as shit morons such as yourselves did not merit an invitation? Could it be that you're sad and pathetic?" Jack asks Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. The both replied in unison "We're special! So we get the pecialist job of watching the big boats. It's the bestest job in the whole wide world." Jack just looks at them in disbelief. Then Jack starts to think that pushing Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum into the water wasn't such a bad idea. It would help him get to the boat quicker, and he would no longer be irritated from the two freaks that stand before him. The only thing stopping Jack from pushing them into the water is a law suite. So Jack decides against the idea of not pushing them into the water and shoves both men into the water.

Tweedle-Dum says in a proud voice, "Someone as ta make sure dis duck stays off lime its to subilians." Jack at first stairs at them both thinking how two simpletons could become solders then says in a sarcastic tone, "It's a fine goal to be sure but it seems to me that a…" Jack tries to get around Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum but the continue to block his path. "…Ship like that makes this one here a bit superfluous, really." Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum both turn and look at the ship Jack is pointing at. Tweedle-Dee says, "Oh, da Dauntless most powerfulist in da waters, two enuf, but dare's no ship as can match da Intacepta fer speed." Jack pretends to think for a second then says, "I've heard of two, there suppose to be nigh uncatchable…the Black Pearl and the little glowing blue hamster ship I saw coming into port this morning." The fly blowing up never ceases to amaze me.

Suddenly Blinking fish comes running out of nowhere flailing his arms like a stoned girl chasing after the ice cream man, and screaming, "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" he then stops in front of Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum and looks at them for a moment. Then says, "Botha!" and pushes Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum into the water. Blinking Fish then continues to run away screaming "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"

Jack looks at the camera, then at the two drowning solders, then at the now fading screaming Blinking Fish, and has no idea what to say. So, Jack just shrugs thinking 'I have seen worse in Singapore.'

Jack stares down at the two drowning solders and just stands there. Tweedle-Dee shouts to Jack in desperation, "Elp us! Pea's elp us! Bof uz aint knowin how ta swim." Jack says, "Sure, I'll help you." And turns around and walks away. Tweedle-Dum confused at Jack turning his back on them yells, "I tot ye gunna to elp us?" As Jack walks away he yells over his shoulder, "I am! Hold on a second." The two solders watch as helplessly as Jack walks away.

Shortly after Jack leaves he comes back with something large in his hands. Jack walks over to Tweedle-Dee and hands him an anvil with fast drying super glue all over it. Tweedle-Dee, who is too damn stupid, gratefully took the gluey anvil. The moment the moron took the anvil; the glue dried and took Tweedle-Dee down to the bottom of Port Royal. Tweedle-Dum looks at where Tweedle-Dee was struggling for his life then looks up at Jack in horror and demands, "Wud ya do tat fur? I tot ye gunna elp us?"

"I am helping you out. I just never said how I was going to help you out. I'm helping you out by helping you to you're deaths quickly. You did say you wanted me to help you. So, I'm helping you out! What more do you want? Do answer that please." Jack replied with a smug grin as he walks away from the drowning retards.

Tweedle-Dum, who was furious at Jack for what he has done, screamed, "Dis nut over till da fat lady signs!" At that moment Jack and Tweedle-Dum heard a faint noise. They both look around and saw nothing. At first Jack thought it might be the Blinking Fish returning, but couldn't find him anywhere. The noise was getting louder. To Jack it sounded like a woman singing, from a far distance and she was getting closer. Oh my god, the new Jack-in-the-box commercial is freaky. Jack (not sure why) but he looked up to the sky. To Jacks surprised he saw a fat lady falling from the sky and she was singing.

Jack watched as the fat lady fell from the sky. Jack watched as the fat lady got closer and closer. He followed the path to where the fat lady was going to fall and realized that her path was to be on top of Tweedle-Dum. Jack started to laugh to him self. Tweedle-Dum asked to no one in particular, "Wut da?" The retard never thought to look up until it was too late. Tweedle-Dum looked up just as her ass was about to hit him. He never had time to scream. The fat lady slammed into the freaking moron killing it (I mean the solder). The fat lady sunk to the bottom of the sea while she sang some opera and having Tweedle-Dum firmly planted between her ass cheeks.

At that moment the scene changed on Jack again. This time he was standing in front of bush. He looked down at his hands and noticed that they where replaced with scissors. Once he realized what happened to his hands he screamed bloody murder. Before anyone around him could do anything for Edward they all stopped. They had noticed a powder blue glowing hamster. The hamster they had noticed had little scissors instead of paws. It was a truly odd site too behold. The scene then changed on Jack again. This time Jack was holding a shovel standing behind a woman. Jack had the shovel held up over he's head as if he was about to strike the woman in front of him. Jack then noticed a red glowing hamster. Jack decided instead of hitting his wife he'd rather get rid of the damn glowing hamster. Unfortunately as Jack swung the shovel down to take out the hamster the scene changed on him yet again. This time Jack found himself looking up a strange metal tower. At the top of the odd structure was a young retarded Leonardo DeCaprio. He noticed the young Leo holding a tan glowing hamster.

The young retarded Leo noticed Jack. Leo yelled down to yelled down to Jack "Here Jack! Catch!" Leo let go of the honey colored glowing hamster. Before Jack could catch the dark blue glowing hamster the scene changed again. Then Jack found him self in a place at first he thought he could not see. After a minute he realized his eyes had been ripped of their sockets. He heard some kid talking too him in Spanish, but wasn't listening. Jack started to really get freaked out. Jack figured that if this kept happening to him he'd kill himself.

While Jack is going slowly mad from scene changes, Norrington is forcing Elizabeth onto the battlements platform. Norrington asks Elizabeth, "Do you have a moment?" Elizabeth annoyed says. "No!" Norrington, ignoring Elizabeth, says, "Uh, you look lovely today." Elizabeth half-heartedly laughs and wishes how she had a gun at that moment.

Norrington presses on without so much a thought other then him self and says, "I know you don't like me. It's painfully obvious to everyone but me, and maybe your father. So I apologize if I seem forward. Oh wait I'm not sorry, but that's not the point. I must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved. Aging, your love, love for that matter, respect and many other things. The top thing I haven't achieved is marriage to a fine woman."

Elizabeth interrupts and asks, "What's that one woman? What's her name?"

Norrington thinks for a moment then remembers and says, "Oh you mean Liz! Well that was not a marriage nor did the relationship last long."

Elizabeth curiously asked, "Why not? You talked so much about her. You must have really been in love. I wish I got to meet her."

Norrington remembering Liz fondly said, "Well there where several problems with my relationship with Liz. First off the law forbids man and animal marriage and the biggest problem was I could never get her pregnant. Matter a fact I named her after you"

Elizabeth's eyes widened in shock and disgust for that was just WAY too much info. Not knowing how to respond to such a thing. Elizabeth just managed a simple, "Eww!"

Norrington went on as nothing happened and said, "You have become a fine woman, Elizabeth. What I'm about to tell you… you cannot say no… do you understand?

Elizabeth nodded slowly, still in a state of shock.

Norrington said, "Good. I'll just keep pressuring you until you say yes anyway. So that's why you can't say no." Elizabeth said, " I can't breath!" Norrington looked upon Elizabeth like the retard she was and said. "Of course not. You're wearing a corset; it's hot out, you are you and I'm a bit nerves myself. Now as I was saying, I will pressure…"

Before Norrington finished the sentence Elizabeth said, "I can't take the pressure!" and jumped off the battlement. Before Norrington could say anything Jack came out of nowhere and yelled, "I can't take the pressure either!" and does a swan dive off the battlement. Norrington had no time to absorb what just happened when he saw a pearl colored hamster jump off the battlement as well. Norrington thought to him self, "I have to quit drinking so much milk in the morning."

End Of Chapter 23

This chapter is dedicated to the memory of Ronald Turner Jr., January 18, 1981 to February 27, 2005. Rest in peace.