Chapter 3

"Is Luka's back from his vacation?"

I shake my head "No. It's a good thing. I've been talking to him though."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah." I'm smiling. Why am I smiling?

"You seem happy whenever you talk about Luka."

"Yeah... I guess I am …"

"I'm glad to hear that. How's your home life lately?"

My smile goes away. The truth is, its been worse then ever. "Terrible. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past three days. I've also been throwing up a lot lately. I don't know if it's from the pregnancy or the fact that I know its over between me and Greg."

"Oh? Why do you think its over?"

"Because I cheated on him! I can't be with him if I cheated on him. What kind of person would I be? He's a good man... and I did a horrible thing."

"Why do you still refer to him as a 'good man'?"

God she can really get under my skin. "Because he is... in his own way. He has his moments, but don't we all? I mean we all aren't perfect, and neither is he."

"Okay." She writes more stuff on her clipboard. "So have you talked to anyone about this besides me?"

"No okay. How many times to I have to tell you this?"

"Okay... Is there something more you have to tell me?"

"I've been thinking whether or not to tell Luka... and…"

"And?"

"And I don't think I should. I should just say its Greg's. Even if we haven't slept together in weeks."

The psychiatrist looks at me "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

No, of course not. "I don't know... I don't want to hurt Luka. He's such a good guy and I love him, but I don't think I should tell him."

"You love him?"

I do? "... I guess I do..."

A buzzer goes off "Perfect timing... Well times up. Same time tomorrow?"

I sigh "Yeah…"

Sam rushed into work with a second to spare. 'Another day...'

Without watching where she was going, she bumped right into Luka who was coming off his shift. "Oh sorry... I wasn't looking where I was going."

Luka smiled and grabbed on to her arms to keep her from falling. "Nah I wasn't either..."

Both stood silent for several long seconds. Finally, Luka broke the silence by asking "So... how've you been."

Sam stood and nodded "I've been okay. How bout you?"

Luka looked at her while she stared at the floor. "I've been good... Sorry I haven't called you. I just thought you'd want some space... you know... to figure things out."

Sam looked up at him. "Figure what out?" Sam asked, and Luka looked at her, confused.

Sam shook her head slightly, knowing then why he was giving her space. "I'm not going to break up with him Luka... I love him."

Luka grew even more confused "What? How can you still be with him after the way he treats you? " Luka shook his head. "I thought you were stronger then that."

Sam sighed 'I did too.' Luka then left her standing there, to start a long enduring shift.

"So how are you today?" said the psychiatrist.

"I'm confused..."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"I said something today... that I didn't mean. And left something else out..."

"Let me guess... this has to do with Luka?"

I nod. Of course it does. "Yeah."

"He came back today from vacation?"

"Yeah, I ran into him on the way into work. We talked and he said something about giving me space to figure things out. Without even thinking I said, that I loved Greg and that I wasn't going to break up with him..."

My psychiatrist nods and writes more things down in her notebook.

I stare at that notebook. Trying to use a hidden power to see through it, but it failed. "You know... Can you not write things down today?"

The psychiatrist looks up from her notebook, "What? Why?"

I take a deep breath in "I just feel a little self conscious when I know your writing things about me in there. Can we just talk?"

The psychiatrist nods and understands "Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

"Why I said I was still in love with Greg." Why did I say that? I'm not in love with him... not anymore.

"Okay... maybe you do love him."

"I don't!" I yell. I can't help it. Whenever people tell me what I'm thinking I fight back. Impulse.

"Okay, okay. You did love him though right?"

I nod "Yeah... I did. I don't want to be with him anymore... he just... being with him hurts …"

The psychiatrist looks at me confused "Hurts you how?"

"It's killing me knowing that I can be with someone who loves me … someone who I'm going to have a child with. I can have it all … but then again, I can't. I don't deserve it after what I did. I hurt to many people. Screwed up too many lives."

She nods. I know she's just itching to write this stuff down, but she kept her promise to talk. "How did you screw up other peoples lives?"

How did I not? I take in a deep breath, going down the list in my head over how many lives were shattered because of me. "There's Greg's, Luka's … Alex's…" It hurts to say that name, but I do.

"That wasn't your fault Sam."

How can she say that? "Whatever" I say as the timer goes off marking the end of today's session.