It has been many days since I have felt the unquenchable need to once again record my thoughts. Even now as I sit here writing, my mind begins to wander. Harry will be leaving Hogwarts in a matter of days. I know that he will feel lost and alone, but why shouldn't he? Every hope and dream that he ever had has been destroyed.

He loved Sirius in a way that he will never be able to love me. Sirius was the closest thing to a father that he had ever known. Sirius had many things in common with James, even in their looks, but there were no similarities between James and I. We were as opposite as it was possible to be. He was always on a broomstick playing Quidditch or flirting with some girl in the hall, same as Sirius. I preferred to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, and even the thought of going up to some strange girl in the hall during passing time made me shiver.

I can never be the father figure that Sirius would have been. I want to be though. I want to be able to be there for him like Sirius would be if I had been the one to die. I am the only one left. The only one that really knew James and Lily personally, and their own son seems to be shunning me. We all feel guilty for his death. I go over countless things that I could have done to save him…to have taken his place.

To think of Harry, who now feels he is alone in the world, brings so much pain to my heart that I feel as if death would be better than this torturous reality that I am living in.

But I can not leave.

Voldemort has regained power. Harry needs me. Sirius's memory needs me. I guess my time to actually be able to accomplish something great has come, I hope that I have the strength to meet it.

Lily's face is once again haunting my mind. I keep thinking back to that day in the bookshop. It was her break and as always she was using the time to try and tidy the shop a bit; I was with her that day. Helping her to dust the worn oak shelves and straighten the many books.

She talked animatedly, but it was only skin deep. The smile upon her face did not reach her emotional eyes. Her laugh did not come from the depths of her soul, but from her throat. She babbled away like a magpie, something that she never did.

She believed that everything you said should be important and have meaning or you should not waste valuable oxygen to say it. Oh, Lily why did I have to go to Dumbledore about you? I saw all these signs as clearly as a blue sky on a clear day. I wanted to help her, I knew that she was fading. My dear Lily flower was fading before me, and I felt at an extreme loss of how to preserve it, to keep it forever in my possession. Her grasp on the world was fading. She needed James.

After that day I caught myself thinking about how much she needed to see him. I went to Dumbledore with my thoughts and ideas on how to help her. He listened to my ramblings, my bits of incomplete ideas and thoughts, smiling and nodding occasionally at my babble. He eventually decided that it would not be a bad idea for Lily to visit James in Bulgaria. It would prove to the team that James actually had a life and something to live for, which would further their trust of him.

After our discussion I could not wait to speak with Lily the next day, in fact I did not wait. Apparating to her apartment in Diagon Alley I told her all of mine and Dumbledore's plans for her trip. She was thrilled beyond all measure and for the first time in many weeks I saw true hope and joy in her eyes. She once again understood the power and healing with in honest and pure hope.

Oh how much joy I found in that scene, but if only I had known how much pain that trip would cause her, both of them for that matter. In fact almost compromise the Order in the end. Lily was to leave as soon as word could be sent to James and all the arrangements could be made. For the next week whenever I would see her, there would be a smile upon her crimson lips that stretched all the way to the very deep depths of her soul.

She was sincerely and simply happy, a rare thing for any of us to be during that trying time. She left bright and early on a Tuesday morning; I made sure I was there to see her off and give her a gentle hug good bye. She looked at me, wiped the tears from my eyes with a gentle brush of her soft hand, whispered "Thank you," in my ear and grabbed the port key that Dumbledore had prepared. She was gone in a flash; the only thing left was the lingering sensation around my middle where her arms had been wrapped tight. I know that a haggard sigh escaped my mouth. Dumbledore's lips twitched upward knowingly, his eye's melancholy in the coming dawn; he would miss her too. I don't think that she ever knew how important she was to all of us, and she probably wouldn't have believed us even if we had told her. She thought she was insignificant, but in reality she was the core of us all. I can think of countless times when I considered leaving the Order. I was not as strong or as brave as James and Sirius, but the thought of Lily made me stay. I could not cause her disappointment of any kind, even to see a hint of it upon her perfect face made my heart burn with pain and guilt. I had to be there to take care of her while James was gone; I wanted to be. As soon as she arrived in Bulgaria we received a letter from her, James barely comprehensible scrawl mixed in with her prim loopy script. Lily mainly wrote about how amazing the muggle hotel she was staying at was, and James could do nothing but talk about how well Quidditch was going. I do not remember much more about that letter, except that two people that were very happy at that moment in time wrote it, if only it had stayed that way. Lily was to stay in Bulgaria for two weeks and during that time I was to take up her duties, so that the Order would not fall behind in anything that she kept running smoothly. They were little things like informing people of meetings and bringing people up to date on new assignments and findings. There were things that she did though that I could never do; be the one that always brought a smile to a persons face with a nice comment or have a fresh plate of cookies somewhere. It was a "Lily" thing that no one else would ever be able to do and have it feel the same, even if they drank polyjuice potion and mimicked her every move. I hope that Voldemort burns in Hell for all that he has done; all the pain he has caused so many people. I can go no farther with this today, already my thoughts are screaming in anguish because of all this painful remembering. Curse the day that Tom Riddle was born into this world! Five days until the next full moon…I can already feel the savageness of the werewolf mind taking over, Wolfsbain potion or not. And this is where this passage ends…I wonder if it's possible to die of a broken heart. Good-bye for at least two weeks…

Remus J. Lupin