A/n; Okay everyone, I'm sorry for the really long time between updating, I had exams, but I'm back now because they are over! Yay! So I'll give you two chapters, very close together, I've written chapter 4 (the final chapter) and I just have to spell check it and will put it up in a few days max. And if you like my work, keep checking my profile hehe, because I plan to do another story soon, a real story, with a missing person and everything. I just need to fix up some plot ideas so they have no loose ends. Please review; I need to know if it's worth me writing anything else lol!
Also just a few things words in italics, are the words of the other person involved in the conversation when its written from the other persons point of view and the little -/ always come when it changes POV. Enjoy ;).
Chapter 3 – What if?
She looked at martin across the large table in the bullpen, his eyes caught hers and he smiled, she smiled back. But she still knew she never tell him that she still loved Jack. She wanted him to think that she didn't, because then it would be easier on their relationship, but who was she kidding, what they had wasn't a normal relationship and that was her doing. She'd forced him to keep it quiet, and he'd done it, he do anything for her, a feeling of guilt washed over her and she turned her gaze back to top of the table, pretending to look over the file she'd been handed several minutes earlier. Why was life so complicated? Jack was single now and she wasn't, but she could be if she could just tell Martin. Sam cursed herself for her own coward-ness, she knew it wouldn't look right if she split from Martin and then went willingly running into the open arms of Jack Malone; and upon that matter she didn't even know if Jack still wanted her. He'd been the one to end the affair after all, which of course was in an attempt to save his marriage, which had clearly fallen apart now. She didn't care to think that she could have been a large factor in that. She'd never wished to be the other woman, she'd never wished to engage in an affair, yet the attraction had been mutual, that feeling of being of being weak kneed still hit her when she was around him. Neither had forced one another into the relationship, it just happened, they swore it would never happen again, but had both later desired to feel what they'd felt that night just once more, and then again, and again, and again. Until they no longer wished to think about the pain they might be causing others, but the fact that when they were together nothing else mattered, the world slipped away. She almost wished she could have that with Martin, because she feared she would never have the chance to be with Jack again and would be forever carrying around this feeling. She'd never be able to love anyone else in the same way she loved Jack Malone.
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He knew she would never say, maybe she didn't know herself, but the night he had heard utter the one name in her sleep he could have quite pleasantly lived without hearing was the night he knew. 'Jack', the word came out as a low whisper mixed with a overpowering groan as she rolled away from him in the bed. He watched her silently, the expression on her face, was not one of pleasure and for that he could be grateful, but what he saw he sometimes interpreted as worse. Her face looked tortured, confused, broken, he could almost imagine the small tear trickling down the side of her face as she mourned her loss. And yet he would still want to comfort her, even for such a thing, because he just wanted to be close to her, to understand, to smell the sweet sent of her perfume, that would forever remain with him, to stroke her hair, tell it was going to be alright.
He lay their in the dark, wondering if he should reach out and wake her, just because his brain couldn't take the thoughts of where her mind might be drifting soon. Just because he wanted to see in her eyes if she'd remembered what she was dreaming, but he was too much of a coward, because deep down inside he didn't really want to be told he was loosing her, he didn't want to accept it.
Hours passed and he didn't bat an eyelid, he could see this being a long night, he wouldn't sleep now, she however looked quite content, curled up, with the covers around her, her face had softened several hours ago, as if she'd never said the word; as if it was just a blip on her radar. He sighed and put a hand out resting it beside her warm body, he was starting to understand, or at least he thought he was why Sam was shying away from making their relationship public. Samantha Spade still loved Jack Malone; maybe there was some truth in what she was saying, caring about what other people thought but the real reason he could see was becoming clear.
Sam and Jack. What an odd couple, he wouldn't have paired them together or even considered them being together and option. Sam was young, good looking, intelligent she could have any man, Jack was far older than her, and he was married with two children, why should he appeal to her at all?
Love was strange.
She should be looking for someone young, someone unattached, someone like him, but not all that made logical sense was to be, you couldn't stop love, it just happened, he knew that, he was a victim of it himself. He knew his heart was going to get burned now, worse than ever. He'd always had feelings for Sam and now she was going to tread on his heart, whether he wanted her to or not, he knew the longer things were left the more pain they would both suffer. She was too kind to break it off, to kind to turn him away. He was almost afraid to be having the thought of throwing away what he had wished for, for so long, but it was there now and he couldn't avoid it.
If she stayed with him, what would they do? He would live a life, waiting for her to return his love, but he doubted that day would ever come and she would live a life, wishing she could have told him how she felt and yet the words would remain unspoken and they would both tread carefully around each other, hanging onto to whatever treads of a normal relationship they had.
Shrugging off the last remnants of the sheets Martin hurried to the kitchen, feeling the need for a glass of water and most of all the need to look at anything but her for the next few minutes. He filled up his glass, listening to the refreshing sounds of the water; he leant against the counter and sighed. Bathed in the moonlight he enjoyed the refreshing liquid. Just as he was placing his cup in the sink, he heard a patter of footsteps, a door squeaking, another and then she was there in front of him stretching her arms and yawning a little. She still looked beautiful. He smiled, "What are you doing up?"
I could ask you the same thing. Came her reply, typical Sam, never going to tell you anything straight up and forward, got to be a way round of telling the complete truth.
She looked at him through the darkness, and he returned her gaze, neither broke the eye contact, neither spoke. He wanted to just ask her in that moment, but he couldn't find the strength…
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She looked at him, he was looking at her oddly whether he realised it or not, as if he was expecting something more from her, she felt uncomfortable and pulled her robe a little further around her body. His lips were parted slightly as if he was going to say something, but the words never came. Instead she found herself compelled to say something in the moment.
"Martin, is something bothering you!" she automatically regretted her actions, because she knew if there was, this was going to be a long night, and she was already exhausted. There was no turning back however so she awaited his answer.
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Martins mouth snapped shut as she spoke, was he that transparent, he could barely make out all her features, she was shadowed by the darkness, but he was not so hidden in his little pool of moonlight. His stomach twisted uneasily, was now the right moment, was there ever a right moment? He didn't want to do it. He'd stay by her side forever, even if he knew she couldn't love him, but it wasn't fair to her and that was the only thing pushing him on to do this, he could never see her unhappy and for one he could never be the thing standing in her way.
"I think you should sit down." He gestured to one of the empty chairs as he occupied another, he watched her body slump with defeat, her eyes dart downwards and her head tilt away from him slightly, he could tell she was expecting nothing good to come from this moment.
"Sam, mmm I think that maybe we are in different places right now and that perhaps sometime apart would be better, I think we need to see if perhaps there's someone else out there for the both us, because this doesn't feel right." He didn't use the words break up, he couldn't. Despite the darkness he could still see her reaction, or maybe he was just imagining it, he could almost feel her tense, then frown, her eyes wide and questioning, despite probably knowing this was good for her too.
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She was feeling anger.
"What, I thought…I thought that we were getting along good, did I do something wrong?" She was in utter shock, both at her own response and Martins actions. She'd know for sometime now that they weren't going to make it to the alter, but yet she didn't want to loose him now. She didn't want to be alone. She needed someone…why was she suddenly feeling so clingy? Without thinking she had spoken, and she jumped right to thinking negatively about herself, of course she done something, did she really want him to spell it out for her, she was obviously less subtle in her pinning for Jack than she had realised.
No its just, I don't think this is working for me.
She knew he was lying she could see right through him, her anger was boiling her tongue was clicking, her fingers were knotted tight together, so tight she could feel her nails digging into her own skin. "Just say it Martin." She spat angrily as she stood up, causing the table to twitch slightly as she jarred it with her knee. She could see his face and he looked just as worn and beaten as her, but she wanted a real spoken reason and she wasn't leaving without it.
Say what? Came his response through the darkness.
"Tell me the reason, why you want out." She could feel her stomach groan with anxiety, however nervous she felt inside about what she feared her knew, she didn't show it on the outside, she wouldn't allow herself too, she didn't want to believe she was harsh enough to string one man along, when she clearly loved another. However the nerves she felt were sheltered in a layer of anger. She didn't understand herself, for a long time she had know this thing with Martin wasn't permanent, it couldn't be when she couldn't bring herself to love him. Yet it still hurt to loose him, especially when she had to be the one told it was over, shouldn't she be saying those words?
She always imagined it would be her.
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Martin sighed inwardly, maybe he gotten it all wrong, why was she getting so worked up about this, he would have thought she would have been thanking the heavens an easy way out had been given to her on a plate. He was already regretted his words, he'd take her back in the blink of an eye, if he was a hundred percent sure there was nothing left between her and Jack. But how could he be sure of that, she was always around Jack, even in her dreams she wasn't without him, he must always be on her mind. Right?
He doubted himself now and that wasn't good, maybe acting on his instincts hadn't been right. He hadn't given much thought to how she would respond, but what he had suspected was not this, not anger, not an outburst. He had to test her now. Had to tell her. He couldn't leave without knowing. "Sam, please sit down." He looked up at her tall blonde figure, he could tell her anger was still boiling on the surface, but something in her made her respond to his words and she slid not so quietly into the seat in front of her.
He cleared his throat. He assumed that the damage was already done now, he couldn't do much more harm, and if he knew he done the right thing, then he could sleep better knowing he would be happy. He couldn't even bring himself to consider the fact that if he'd gotten this wrong, the pain he caused her would be unbearable to watch. "If you want to know the reason Sam, I'll tell you the reason. Everyday we tiptoe around everyone, because you don't want them to know about us, when I think pretty much everyone on the team does anyway, but you still won't confess. Why should it be a secret anyway? If you really wanted this to work with me, you wouldn't care who knew, because if you felt what I felt for you, you'd want everyone to know that you'd found that perfect someone. But I don't think your perfect someone is me." He paused eyeing her through the darkness, he thought he saw a tear forming in the corner of one eye but he couldn't be sure. She didn't say anything so he took it as a cue to continue. "I think you're still in love with Jack." For a moment an awkward silence fell upon them and he tried to see her facial expression, but she managed to hide herself in a shadow. His heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces just as he sat here with her, but there was nothing he could do to stop it, it was inevitable. After what seemed like an eternity he heard a loud scraping noise, the chair on the floor he noted, but still she said nothing and then she stood walked back into the bedroom and still didn't utter a word to him on her way out.
Several minutes later as he sat there contemplating what just happened he heard the front door squeak open and then slam shut. She was gone. Just like that he'd said the thing he'd never thought he would say…