Disclaimer: If I owned Landon Carter and A Walk to Remember I would be a very happy person indeed. And the general public would probably run and hide in fear.
What If?
What if Jamie hadn't died?
Would we still be together? Would our love have lasted as long as it could have? To death and beyond? It's all these years later and I still miss her. Could things have been different if she had lived?
What if I had met her sooner?
I mean, we'd known each other for years, but we didn't really know each other until senior year. If we had met sooner could we have been together longer? Would she have wanted to be with me before the play? Would she have even accepted me for who I was before? Or would things not have been any different?
What if it was my fault?
When she told me she was sick, I immediately blamed myself. I kept her out too long, I made her do too many things. She told me that if anything I had kept her healthier for longer. But did she just say that to save myself from guilt? She was that kind of person - she would say things that weren't necessarily true to prevent others from blaming themselves. But I think it was my fault. All that activity wore down her immune system and made it harder for her body to combat the disease. It really is my fault.
What if she had lived longer?
Could we have done more things together, the things she wanted to do before she died? Or would our time have been spent in a hospital, her suffering and me not being able to do anything to help her? If that would have been the case, then I suppose it's better that she went when she did. She never did like being in those places.
What if I hadn't been so helpless?
I know there's nothing I could have done, but what if there was? I could have done research, studied, done anything to help her, make her more comfortable. She told me not to worry, that there was nothing I could do but be with her, but I still feel like I could have made a difference somehow. Maybe that's why I became a doctor - to help other people like her. In fact, I know that's why.
What if I had been the one who was sick instead of her?
Would I have told anyone? Would I have let myself get close to anyone, knowing that I would have to leave them? I can't imagine what she was going through all that time, knowing she was going to die before her time and still having the strength and courage to continue with her daily life. I would have given up long ago. But she was strong. She knew what she had to do to make everything seem okay, and for that, at least, I am grateful.