Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters...no, they belong to Tamora Pierce. I don't own the song at the end either, it's Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan. It's a very very very good song, and really sad. I highly suggest listening to it...Please R&R.
It had been two years to the day. Kel sat on his grave, meditating. She knew it was her fault and she shouldn't be here, but the emptiness helped. It filled her, letting her revel in the pain it brought her. If only she had read the signs correctly. If only she had gotten there sooner. If only...if only...
He still might be alive. She could only punish herself. Two years of penance was not enough. A lifetime of penance could never be enough. She lost her Yamani mask for moment, and a few tears traced their way down her face. No, she was not worthy enough to grieve. If only...
Dom had no idea how long she had been sitting there. He looked at her for a few peaceful moments before nodding to Raoul. They picked her up by her arms and marched her out of the catacombs. Kel protested the whole way, claiming that she needed to stay there. No one else blamed her for Neal's death, but she had never gotten over it.
"Kel, it's not your fault," Dom repeated as he and Raoul stood over her. She just glared at them.
"Kel, I was there," Raoul said, "And I would be the first to let you know your mistake– if you had made one. You couldn't have done anything differently."
Kel shook her head, "I should have gone instead."
"Or I could have, or Dom here or any number of other knights. He offered to go. He knew what he was doing. Kel, just let go." She stared at them both coldly.
"Just let go? Do you honestly think I can just let go? I watched my best friend die." She threw her head back and laughed; it was cold and hollow sounding. She was soon crying gently. Kel was never one for emotions, but she had just stopped caring. After the horror of Neal's surrender, Kel no longer cared about her mask. Sometimes it was convenient, like when she was meditating, but she usually just didn't bother. Kel had just stopped caring.
It tore Dom up to see Kel like this. She hadn't been truly happy since Neal's sacrifice. At first, she had tried to hide behind her mask, but after a few months, she had just given up. Damn Neal for breaking her heart this way. Dom felt guilty himself, he knew all of the soldiers there did, but none had beat themselves up like Kel did. Maybe because he went instead of her. She did volunteer originally...But Neal had saved her from that awful fate, only to leave her for another: herself. Dom wanted so desperately to lover her. Well, he did love her, he just wanted to be allowed to love her openly. Kel had effectively shut him out along with everyone else. He was worried. Two years of this was not good for Kel.
Kel sat cross-legged on her bed. They had locked her up, afraid she was going to hurt herself. Like she could do that– it would be too easy. She needed the emotional– not physical– pain. She needed more of it– that's why she ignored him. She knew he loved her, and she loved him. Maybe too much. That was why she couldn't be with him– it would make her happy, make her complete. It reminded her of a song her mother sang when she was young. Back in the Yamani Islands, when Kel has no friends, she had nightmares. Her mother had always been there to wake her and sing...
The winter here's cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We haven't see the sun for weeks
Too long, too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never though I could feel so low
Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go...
Kel had fallen asleep while thinking, but her rest did not last long. It was only a few minutes before her nightmares overtook her. Waking up, Kel curled into a ball and let her tears fall...
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love
So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more
It's just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never though I could feel so low
Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the Courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
I know I could love you much better than this
It's better this way.