Lyrics credited to Taking Back Sunday – "Cute Without the E (Cut from the Team)" and The Shirelles - "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?"
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Chapter 9 : When Sorry Isn't Enough
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Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I won't ever ask, if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me
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Electra shrugged. "Alright then." I was surprised at her eagerness to walk off, but I turned back to face Julia and Vicious. "So…"
Immediately they turned away from each other, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. I had to smile. Maybe they really didn't hate each other as much as they thought they did.
Vicious was the first to speak. "Julia." He was able to mask any emotion- whether or not he hated her now or if he wanted her badly. At that point I did not know anything about their relationship, or how they had even gotten to know each other. ..I could only assume
"Vicious." She responded hesitantly. I was surprised that her voice cracked a little, and for a second I felt bad for her. But for a second.
He let out a breath, ruffling his coat, and looked at his watch. He sounded worn out and I wondered what really went wrong between them. "You know I'm not one to be late." He said to no one in particular. And with that, he spun around and disappeared down the dim hallway.
Julia had watched him leave, her eyes never leaving his back until it faded away.Then she turned back to me. "Oh, Faye." Exasperation, remorse.
I really didn't know what to say to her. I still and probably never will, know her very well. But I do know she is too much like me- secretive and careless; nothing quite matters anymore. So we stood there, side by side, by the window that lighted her golden curls even though it was raining.
And I had let my guard down; I had forgotten. But I know now that it was inevitable and nothing could have been done to stop it. I was stupid to even think of it.
The sound of the bathroom door being pulled open, and then his footsteps. "…Faye," he said, surprised to see me there. I would have guessed at his second line, which would have been "You were waiting for me?" To which I would have now smiled sadly. But he did not get to ask this, because I saw his eyes lock with hers. My heart clenched up immediately because I saw recognition cloud in his eyes. Does he know Julia? How could he?
"You were the girl by the flower stand, right?" He asked her. I wondered if he had forgotten about me, standing right there beside him. I hated that charm in his tone.
Only for you, Faye.
Julia glanced at me and back at Spike, her features unsure. "Oh…yes." Then recollection."Are you the one who bought me those flowers yesterday evening?"
Spike smiled, shrugging his shoulders. "That's me."
Julia laughed and I knew then that she knew he was Spike, the one I had fallen for accidentally. Unintentionally. I was now lost in the dialogue that followed, and I blocked all of it out because I couldn't take it. I couldn't take any more.
I sensed the future in the way his lips moved when he talked to her, though I didn't hear a word. I saw it in the way his eyes flashed and how he briefly touched her hair, acting as if it was only by chance. I already knew…
I coughed, a little too loud, and they both stopped their flirty laughing. Spike looked at me, and I knew he was probably going to apologize. For what? Perhaps…for everything. I refused to hear any pity from him, but I already saw it in Julia's eyes.
No.
I smiled at the both of them, hoping it didn't look as fake as I meant it to be. "Well, uh.." My voice was foreign. I was thinking of what to say next. "I'll see you later, Spike.."
Spike nodded and Julia tucked her hair behind her ear. "I have to follow her as well; we have the same schedule." I was already walking away and she walked up beside me.
"What's your name?" He called out, unembarrassed.
She paused. "…Julia."
And before he could answer, we were out of the door and well down the path to the fifth building. I looked back once and was relieved that he wasn't following.
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"So what, are you going to steal him away from me now? For your information, I really don't care." I told her, angry and ashamed. The rain beat down around us; we were standing outside, beneath the roof of the red building.
"You know very well I never start anything." She answered as-a-matter-of-factly. Emphasis on the never.
"..Whatever. You're probably lonely without Vicious, aren't you?" I smirked, trying finding a weakness in her.
"Of course not."
I sighed, delivering my final words to her for the day. My tone was low, almost emotionless, but she could probably detect the masked vulnerability. "I really thought, just this time, maybe I…"
How could I tell her what I couldn't even understand? I couldn't. Instead I walked out into the rain, my form instantly soaked. It was suddenly hard to hear in the down pour, and then I realized she was speaking. I had to strain to her her voice, so far off. Maybe I was the one who was far away.
"You'll find out that love is a flaw. I know it so well, Faye Valentine." She disappeared inside the building.
I raised my face to the rain and closed my eyes. Her advice seemed to fall at me from the sky, echoing and echoing. I know it so well.
Maybe you're right, Julia.
But if love is a flaw, then damn. I must be full of mistakes.
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"Faye, what the hell are you doing here." I looked up to find Electra pointing a scolding finger at me. "Do you mean to say you're been in the rain this whole time?"
"I guess so." I replied.
"That also explains why you look like crap," she added.
"Thank you." I replied again.
She rolled her eyes but then softened. "I'm sorry Faye."
"There's really nothing for you to apologize for."
"I guess you're right." She smiled. "So then why did I come here again?"
I laughed, standing up. "I have no idea." I followed the trail of sakura trees and she followed. We walked together, out of the campus and into the streets, to forget about what happened that day.
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I opened my mailbox on Saturday evening. I had forgotten to check it earlier and no one was out now. The streetlights were my odd accompaniment, my solace.
The only thing inside the black metal container was a small napkin. Cocking an eyebrow, I pulled it out and unfolded it. A note. A really, really cheap note and messy script.
I'm sorry about yesterday, Faye.
-Spike
I widened my eyes when I read his name and sat down by the curb. I sighed loudly to the dark pavement.
"Feeling lonely?"
I was really starting to get pissed that he had the ability to pop out of nowhere and scare me like that, catching me unaware and defenseless.
After I had stopped getting a heart attack, I panted a little and held up the note. "Why..?" I could've asked something more meaningful.
He looked at the note as if he had forgotten and then remembered. "Faye..." There was the same weariness in his voice, the same as Vicious did. It was like he was tired of saying my name. He raised his hand to brush my cheek but dropped it to his side, regretful.
His eyes were lost and far away. I felt like I should take a step closer and hug him tightly, as if it would be my last chance. I remembered the night he took me to the bar and the way his shirt smelled when he was drinking alcohol and smoking, dancing and falling in love with me.
But I couldn't. My arms were too heavy; he was still somewhere else. I was afraid to take him back,to ask himto stay with me. Things were somehow different now, but still I kept thinking they weren't.
Spike, you're still in love with me...
Right?
I remembered a line from one of the songs he used to sing to me from the street. He would call out to my window in the dead of night and somehow I was still awake, waiting, just for him. I always knew he would come.
"Faye!" I'd laugh at him from my bedroom window. Knowing that I was paying attention, he cupped his hands around his mouth and began to sing, half shouting, half romantic.
"Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?"
I hummed the tune and he snapped out of his reverie. He was looking at me, exhausted.
I already knew what he couldn't say, and I hated it.