I love my reviewers.
I apologize for not turning Electra into a backstabber, hah. btw, check out my other fic. I'm actually thinking of not ending at 13, it may end up being longer. We'll see how it goes.
Here's is the promised recap of events and in what order they happened in this fic.
You assume Faye Valentine has been taught gambling by Linda Wise at 16. She starts working at the casino at 17. Eventually she leaves the Valentine estate when she's 18 to reside in her own apartment. She also applies for Adelphi University that year and is accepted. She attends in September and meets Spike, Electra, Vicious and Andy on her first day at the college. In the same month she starts dating Spike and throughout the year they go on quite a few dates. During this time, Andy leaves to train as a samurai and Vicious breaks up with Julia for an unnamed reason. May comes and Faye starts to worry about her relationship, and now in June they really are falling apart. In "a few sunsets" the seniors will graduate, leaving Faye the freshman behind. And what will happen then?
Lyrics thanks to Taking Back Sunday - A Decade Under the Influence
-
Chapter 11 : The Difference Between Right and Wrong
-
I'm coming over but it never was enough
I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you
Well I got a bad feeling about this
-
Sunlight used to be so beautiful. Now it's simply a grim reminder of the way things have to be.
I was awake before I opened my eyes, lulling in my half-consciousness. I felt light-headed and heavy at the same time, floating through air and diving in deep water. I wanted to stay like this, unfeeling, but I heard the sound of my ancient fax machine starting up.
Beep.
"Faye. Faye... Are you there?" Pause. "I guess not." A sigh. "I got your message and I'm free today. I'll see you later then."
Beep.
End of message.
The sun had lifted up when the rays of light shifted behind the blinds. The machine died down and I laid there on my bed, playing the sound of his voice over in my head once more.
When I did finally get up, I took a shower and dressed in light-coloured silk pants. I didn't trust myself in a dress, in a skirt. My tank was plain and unrevealing. Sitting in front of the mirror, I combed my hair out and wrapped it in a bun. Then I went to my kitchen and made myself some coffee.
I tapped the countertop until I could waste no more time and put on a light sweater and headed outside. There was a slight wind that blew wisps of my hair around and I stepped down to the sidewalk.
I stayed there, standing, staring at the automobiles that whizzed by and pulled out my cell phone from my pocket. I dialed Electra's number. She picked up immediately.
"Hey, uh...do you think you could lend me your car?"
--
Electra's car was dark blue and sleek, and I thanked her for it. "How are you going to get home?" I asked her.
She shrugged. "Somehow."
I smiled. "Thanks again." I got into the driver's seat and slipped on my sunglasses. "Sayonara."
She walked out onto the street, calling out as an afterthought, "Don't get into a crash, Faye!" I knew she meant it in more ways than one.
--
I still remembered the way since that day he introduced me to Mao and Annie. I don't know how I did but I felt like I'd always remember. I spotted the huge estate when I rounded the corner, typical grandeur full of green grass and a large Victorian mansion. The gates opened to allow me in, but I parked outside of his private property. I walked the rest of the way.
I stared at the floor as I walked up the steps, lifted my hand to knock the heavy wood. But Spike was there to open it before my knuckles landed on the door.
"...Hey." He leaned against the doorframe, flirting, but I knew things were different. It was far too late to change anything now, and yet...
I hated the way that I was supposed to be angry, but how could I hate him? Honestly, the bastard. My heart sank when I realized that even after everything was said and done, he'd emerge as the victor and I'd be left in the rubble.
I looked past him then, slipped past him, entering the hallway. I heard the door click closed behind me and my eyes followed up a large staircase. I wondered how many women he got up there.
I heard his boots shuffle behind me and turned to watch him walk into his spacious livingroom. I followed and he sat on one couch, I on the another, the coffee table between us.
After a time my clothing was suddenly uncomfortable. I crossed my legs, tucking my hair behind my ear twice. Anything to be distracted. I could hear his breathing, so familiar to me now, and I knew I'd have to forget it soon.
And then my eyes locked onto his.
I marveled at those brown eyes of his, how he always made it so hard for me to decipher what he was really feeling. I felt bad because it looked like he didn't want me here.
Don't worry, Spike. I'll be gone soon. Just be a little more patient. For me, okay?
"Are you glad?" I asked, almost unfeeling as him now.
He pretended to be perplexed but I was able to tell the seriosity in his tone. "What do you mean?"
I smiled, crooked and unsure. "That it's almost over..." This was amusing for me, the way I was handling things. The trick is in what you say, in what you reveal. That was one line Linda had advised me long ago. I longed for our dead partnership and imagined telling her about Spike. She'd tell me to leave him, that I could do better. Heh, I knew what she would really say, "I told you. Men will be your downfall..."
She was right all this time and I wished I followed her instead of believing idiotic things like "Maybe I can change him." But what was done was done. I was only left to clean up the mess I had created. Looking back at the past year, I was irritated at myself for all the mistakes that I made, at what I thought could last forever and make me complete.
How could he do this to me?
Spike must have had some idea at what I was thinking about because he kept quiet, watching me. Or maybe he was fighting for words to say. I felt guilty for being the reason he was still sitting here. He should be happy with her, I thought. And I meant it with every fiber of my being.
But there was a task at hand and I scanned over what I needed to get accomplished. I couldn't get distracted again. They were things I mulled over yesterday, things I thought mattered the most and what he should know as well as I did.
Discover what he remembers. "Do you still remember the first time we met?" I asked. I remembered it well, the first time we locked eyes.
He seemed taken aback, probably because the question was random. But then he answered, "Yes. I opened the door for you. I told Mr. Arimara we came together late." He smiled at me.
I was pretty impressed at his memory and I almost laughed but held back just in time. Laughing would make me look weak again and I'd end up crying in front of him, for all I knew.
Tell him something I love about him. "You're a great kisser." I can't believe I just said that. I hoped to God I wasn't blushing.
He looked surprised again but then he smiled, always warm and inviting. And that deep voice, "So are you."
He was good at this and succeeded in making me feel like he meant it. I should have guessed that he had probably been in situations like this before. And me...just my first time. I would be hurt by all of this, wouldn't I?
Reveal what I knew. "I really was like all the rest." I rested my chin on my left hand and stared out the large window at a cherry tree he had planted out on the lawn. For some reason I could've sworn I heard music playing, somewhere distant and faint. "It's alright, though, I understand now."
He still wasn't saying anything and I was annoyed. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable around me anymore and didn't want to bother to talk. Without even opening his mouth he could make me feel like it was all my fault. I was saying things that were slowly killing us.
We were both silent now but he shifted in his seat, leaned forward over his knees to stare at me more intently. I knew I was going to lose at this. But what was the harm in losing faster?
"I wish you had never lied to me, Spike. You can make me believe anything..." I frowned involuntarily and hugged myself loosely. The wind flew through the opened window and chilled me.
"It all happened too fast..." He was staring at me again, sad. "I didn't mean for..."
"For what? For me to get hurt?" I closed my eyes and I still saw him. I wished he wouldn't haunt me like this but it was inevitable. "I swear..." I opened my eyes again. "What have you done to me?" I smiled, laughing a little.
He had his eyes closed while I was breaking down, falling apart. I had to end this before I would betray myself- I'd do something crazy like try to seduce him. I had a chance, perhaps I was still something to him.
I stood up before I lost my sanity. "I have to get going."
He stared at me, his eyes glowing. I wished he would do something, anything, to make me believe in him again. But my mouth was taking over and I was saying things faster than I was understanding their aftermath.
"I don't need you any more." I said defiantly and sure, running a hand over my forehead to be rid of the bangs falling into my eyes. I thought of Julia. "And don't think I'm stupid enough...not..." I felt weak again, my knees almost buckling under my weight. But I did not fall, not now. "...Not...to...leave you...after what you've done to me."
Spike's eyes were killing me and I realized it might be pity he was feeling, of all things. His fingers moved to pull at his tie, loosening it, his only movement in the past hour. "Faye...are you still in love?" He asked me slowly to make me understand what he meant.
I lied for the both of us, as best as I could. "With someone I thought I knew." I took a step away from him, and then another. He wasn't saying anything again, he didn't even stand up. He was leaning back into his seat, staring at his hands.
So I am nothing.
I wanted for him to stop me so badly, but he didn't, even as I walked out onto the hall. I took my time, as slow as the clock would let me. Then I opened the door, standing at the doorway between love and hate, and all I could do was stare at my feet.
Should I leave now? It was rhetorical.
I stepped out and pulled the door closed behind me. I looked up and the first thing I saw was Julia's car at his driveway. She was still playing that fucking music. Violin, organs. The soundtrack to our movie.
She locked eyes with me and I was about to demand from her, What are you doing here? Trying to steal Spike away again? But I remembered she was the one who belonged here now and I had no right. No right...
I looked back once and noticed Spike was at the doorway. He was staring. Just staring. I smiled at the both of them, my hair blowing in the wind. But I directed my line for Spike, "Don't call my name anymore, you won't need to. It's over..." I said clearly, but I was leaving the sentence hanging like the fading end of a melody. Like another chance for a girl who won't learn from her mistakes. An emptiness was ringing in my ears and my stomach was knotted harshly within me. And I knew it was because of this, because of everything that went wrong.
It's over...
It sounded so definite and I felt it, watched it sink slowly, dying.
It's over...
I was walking already, reaching the gate. Leaving them.
Spike and Faye.
Spike and Julia.
The sun was shining as I got in the car, started it up and drove away.