A/N: I felt depressed at one time so this came into light. Hope you enjoy this wierd one too

Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki or the characters blah blah blah…

Pairing: Nii/Kami

Rating: T

Note: This is kind of like the episode and manga, but at the same time not. Because my friend was so unsatisfied (Nii being the heartless man he is…) I decided to do my own version. And glancing at my episode once for reference. This is mostly out of my head…

Spoiler Last Episode of Reloaded.

Saiyuki

Shattering Doll

The building shook itself down, within and without; doors collapsing, thick walls crumbling to their cores.

Sheer courage and a mild touch of incomprehension allowed the prone form, sprawled out on the floor, to stare on as his haven destroyed itself. He licked his lips, confirming with the salt taste of blood that he was still alive. Still able to feel the soft stabs of pain from the wound on his lip, never mind the burning in his chest that hampered his breath and made his heartbeat stutter.

His dimming gaze drifted around the room. The vibrations underneath him confirmed that everything was falling apart. Everything that his sensei had given to him… ruined. Half of him cried in despair, the child that hadn't quite grown up remorseful over the loss of everything valuable and dear. All the toys… those endless nights… the memories. Half of him cried out in strained relief. The part of him that comprehended all of it wept, realizing that it had been freed.

And yet, both sides wanted the same thing.

"Sensei…" The young being murmured, swallowing back his own blood. "Sensei…" he called out, gentle and unshaken despite the effort to breathe, to move, to continue to live. He heard no reply but the pebbles hitting the floor and continuous rumbling in his ears, keeping him in the knowledge of what was happening.

Fingers clawed against the ground, groping blindly for the soft security of a toy, any toy. It didn't necessarily have to be a bunny to remind him of that certain special plaything, which, in turn, reminded him of the only person he had ever believed in. Trusted. Done anything for. Even if it meant the end of everything, and of himself.

He was prepared. He understood. He did…

…Didn't he?

"I neither love nor care for you. I feel nothing for you--that way, I cannot hurt you. Understand?"

Yes. His mouth moved but no words came out. Yes, he understood. That had been why he'd believed his sensei in the first place; followed him and done everything the other man had wished. Because he couldn't be hurt by him; at least not like he had been in the past. And yet, he devoted everything to him, willingly choosing a life of little meaning.

"Sensei…please…" He pleaded. He pleaded to the darkness that ate at his vision. He pleaded to the darkness that hissed at the light filtering through the glass, kept at bay by the obscurity of good that it held. There was a sudden moment when the childish blonde felt his sanity, always questionable, vanishing into cold hysteria. The gunshot wounds now seemed only a figment of his imagination. Nothing mattered to him. His life was nothing. All he wanted…all he wanted…

Sensei…

"Kami?" There was a faint chuckle, almost lost in the increasing rumbling.

Kami-sama turned his head, a whimper passing through numbed lips. His dimmed eyes suddenly filled with a fresh spark of hope, a renewed will to keep on living. The fingers that clawed at the ground for comfort eased in their frantic movements, allowing weariness and pain to drag them down and still.

"You're still alive, ne?" The voice calmly spoke.

Kami's cheek touched the ground as he used what energy was left to him to move, reality coming back in a heavy rush, forcing the young being to come to terms with the physical world and the way it dragged at his limbs. And yet…he tried to move again anyway, managing to turn over onto his stomach, clutching at the ground as pain spasmed sharply through his side and chest.

"Sensei…" he murmured once more. "I…" He suddenly grinned--there was no more time left for lies, none for delusions or endless mind games. This was it. "I lost..." His tone seemed nonchalant and playful as ever, the effect lost as he took the next moment to breathe in, trembling with the effort.

He could, faintly, imagine the disappointment from his sensei.

Instead of something dark and cruel, there was only lightly mocking laughter, the sound reaching the flaking corners of the room. Even the shadows seemed to ripple at the sound. "It seems that way…"

Shoes moved into Kami-sama's vision, that soft voice reaching the blonde's ears like an arrow to a target. For a long minute, there were only the sounds of the manor's continuing destruction.

"Sensei…"

"Hmmm?"

"I…." The man-child paused. He rolled over once more onto his back, tilting his head back just enough to see the familiar lab coat, smell the familiar smell of the cigarette caught between his lips. The familiar unkempt raven hair. The glasses that hid madenning black eyes behind their mirrored gleam. It was all there, just like he remembered. It had been so long ago…so…so…long ago…

The only thing missing was the presence of the familiar white blob with ears that had always by his sensei's side. A grim smile took hold of his face as he continued forcing out words, slowly growing sorrowful. "I...Am I…going to die?" he asked.

"Hmmm…" The dark haired man considered it, eyes skimming over the pitiful form at his feet before he brought up an arm, shifting a long white sleeve upwards and eyeing his watch for far longer than he needed to, as if to add insult to mortal injury. "Well…I'd say you have thirty minutes, tops. Maa…" Again the voice carried, and for a moment Kami shivered. "That is, unless the building doesn't collapse first." There was no change from his usual tone. Always so placid, sneering at the world beneath that veneer of politeness.

He neither loved nor hated him, still.

Kami dug his nails into the ground once more, voice cracking, "I… I just wanted to b…be like you, sensei…. but I...failed…" The shaking receded and the hands relaxed, falling flat against the surface, into the crimson puddle slowly growing beneath him. "I knew…" Kami's eyes closed partway, trying to block out the tears of pain and anguish that he could feel burning behind his eyes.

'That all the things you gave me...were just...just…things you didn't need anymore…" His vision blurred, no mental wall strong enough to hold back such emotions. There was movement in his line of vision, but he passed it off as another piece of falling debris. "That I…." Another pause. He'd paused for that second to consider his words in his head.

"I…was just one of your toys too…" The end of the sentence came out as a hushed whisper. He was ashamed--ashamed he couldn't have been more then a toy, more useful to his sensei, to the only one he would listen to, would listen to him if only for the novelty. To the one that had rescued him as a child from a life of servitude as a prostitute. To the one known as Nii Jien'i. Kami coughed violently, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to ignore the blood trickling further down his chin. Staining the robes…

Robes that were given to him.

"Just one of my toys, hmm?" The blonde could feel the faint brush of something warm against both cheeks, helping to keep him awake. It comforted him, like an angel's touch, if he had ever believed in angels. The youth forced his eyes open weakly, registering a cigarette-free face over his, fogging mind only now concluding that he had been moved without realizing it. "If that were so, you would have been part of that mountain of toys. Isn't that right?"

Gray eyes gazed to the hand near his right cheek. Was this…

Affection? At long last?

With a will-steadied hand he reached out, grasping the edge of Nii's sleeve between his fingers and confirming that this was all very real. And that he was going to die. The wounds too, were real. Everything. Even the castle shaking into pieces. "Hai…" he responded, leaning into the touch with a contented sigh, his head drooping further onto Nii's lap as a result. "Demo…" He clutched the fabric tighter, suddenly feeling like the shy child he'd been before. Begging on the streets, tugging at white robes. Begging to be offered something more…

"But what?" Black eyes stared down when Kami opened his eyes, meeting the gaze of the one he'd wished he had been able to be of more use to. "You did your part. Now I'm only doing mine…" There was a growing smile on Nii's face, spreading along the young-old features. The raven-haired man took the moment to gently ease Kami further up, not minding the stains that were sure to result from the crimson liquid.

Kami thought, for a second, that perhaps this was death, and he had somehow made it to Heaven.

"Doing…y...yours…?"

Fingers pressed gently against his lips, running down to the jaw and tracing the line of it gently, Gathering up the flowing blood on his fingers and wiping it away.

"You…do-don't need to..sen…sei…I'm…just a toy…" The tears began to fall, mixing into the crimson stains on his face. His grip went slack, whatever force that had sustaining it used up, like the rest of him. Thoughts lingered in his brain: Useless. Weak. Pathetic. Loser. Toy. Worthless. He sniffled.

It was true, wasn't it? He had lost in the game; failed to do what his sensei had asked of him. Wasn't death what he deserved, for that?

The figure holding him sighed. There was no gloating, no mocking, no gratifying crow, no sense of achievement, no…nothing that resembled happiness. A hand moved away from the blonde's cheek, taking hold of his chin delicately and turning dim eyes toward him, observing as though he had never seen those familiar features before. "True. You are a toy. But you're my toy." With those words, he was finally able to see something spark behind his disciple's eyes.

"Yours…?"

"Aa. Mine." His fingers spread along the blonde's neck, thumb brushing against the flesh before falling away as Kami renewed his desperate grip, this time on his shirt, pulling himself up, slender form doing its best to burrow into his chest as tears streamed down his face.

This action though, only brought confusion to Nii. "Something wrong?" Lazy black eyes regarded the trembling blonde critically, one hand rising and lightly rubbing at the blonde's back. Trying to soothe the broken mess.

Broken toy.

"Sensei! I…I…I don't…I don't want to die! Sensei…" Fingers clutched at Nii's shirt like a lifeline, the shaking form breaking down into uncontrollable sobs. "I don't want…I don't want to…I don't…I'm scared, sensei…sensei…" Kami repeated the name several times, it never lost its meaning, but blended into a heartrending broken noise as his speech slurred. "I don' want to…I don't…"

Nii looked up, pausing in his soothing gestures to stare up at the ceiling, which cracked and sagged ominously. It looked like…thirty minutes was coming close…much to close for comfort. "Maa…maa…" he tilted Kami's chin back up, brushing the tears away with his thumb. "Death isn't all that bad…" Once again Nii wiped away blood that dripped down the sides of Kami's mouth, before pressing their lips together.

Peace threaded through the blonde's thoughts at the contact. He raised his hands to clutch at the shirt, higher up, to hold the kiss for as long as he could. This was…this was…

What I wanted…everything I wanted and dreamed and hoped for…sensei…sensei does care after all…

Nii's hand wound, suddenly, tightly, around his neck. A deafening crash from the side alerted the two that the ceiling had begun to cave in. And breaking away from Nii's lips, Kami stared mournfully at the face he had long committed to memory. "Ne…sensei…tell me. Is there a god where I'm going…?"

The windows behind them began to crack, supports falling away around them in clouds of dust and rubble. Nii stared at the pale eyes for a long moment, ignoring the danger.

"Perhaps…there isn't. You will be the god where you're going."

Nii leaned forward, whispering something in Kami's ear.

And Kami smiled, through pain that was rapidly fading. The grip on his throat constricted, and he smiled a little, lips forming a last breathless word.

"Yokatta…"

Snap.

Nii released his hold as the blonde's form slumped forward like a rag doll. There was no emotion left on his face; there were no tears, only a silent stare as he removed the dead weight from his arms. Disentangling himself from the body, he positioned Kami-sama flat on his back, frowning, looking around the castle as he let go of the dead child-man's robes.

Like its inhabitant, it too was to disappear.

"Sayonara…Kami-sama…"

And with a shift of shadows on the wall; in a rainbow shower of stained-glass shards as the windows exploded inwards, he was gone.

"Ne…sensei…tell me. Is there a god where I'm going?"

"Perhaps…there isn't. You will be the god where you're going."

Somewhere darker and farther away, Nii Jien'i leaned back in his seat, arms folded behind his head. The stuffed bunny sat on his lap, peering curiously up at him from its position, as though watching and listening to his thoughts.

"Kami-sama…"

Like he had done with Koumyou, he supposed, he would get over it. But…Kami.

"And when my time comes, I'll come to play with you again. Death is not the end…"

"Yokatta…"

The frown on the scientist's face suddenly twisted, curving into a smile at a sudden thought.

"No, it's not the end. It is the start. Ne, Bunny-san?" Nii glanced down for affirmation.

The bunny smiled up at him.

In his mind, Kami-sama smiled as well.

A/N: Eh heh –scratches head- Whee? R&R please! Kudos to my beta Drac! 3 who i looove.

Drac: Beta...Kami...beta...Kami...damn it, Nii... -kicks fic away and snores-