Disclaimer: I do not, have never, and never will own YYH.

The idea for this chapter came from Kage Youkai. (Don't hurt me.)

Author's Note: The last chappie sucked. No way around it. But hey, every story needs a low point, right? RIGHT!? Anyway, I'll try and make this extra-funny to make it up to you, the much cherished reader and (hopefully) reviewer. (I know I skipped a month. Even numbers are better!)

Chapter Four

"In the fourth month, the mother's mood swings will have settled down and the morning sickness will all but stop, however, the mother may become distressed as she will most likely begin to gain weight."

Botan and Hiei were sitting in the living room of their little apartment, talking about random things when a rather…interesting topic came up.

"Hiei," said Botan. "I signed us up for a parenting class with Yusuke and Keiko."

"You what?" asked Hiei. "Only an idiot would need someone to tell them how to raise their kid."

"Hiei, this is the kind of thing we're supposed to do. The hospital suggested it, and hey, we've never been parents before. Unless there's something you want to tell me…"

"What? No!" yelled Hiei with a horrified expression. "But still…!"

"Come on Hiei. It's on Thursday and I don't care whether or not you want to go, you are. And besides, Yusuke will be there. I'm sure he's just as happy about this as you are."

"You expect the simple fact that the detective will be able to ease the pain of some brainless Ningen telling me I'm a violent parent that won't be able to provide a stable home for my unborn child?"

"Actually, that's just what I was about to mention. You might want to start toning down the violence and maybe…get a job…?"

"…"

On Thursday…

"C'mon Keiko! Why do we have to go to this?" moaned Yusuke as he drove himself and Keiko to the class.

"Because Yusuke, we can't rely on books to tell us everything about raising a kid…or at least you can't." replied Keiko, tapping her nails impatiently on the armrest.

"What's that supposed to mean?! I did graduate high school, remember?"

"Yeah, with 5 C's, 2 D's, a B, and a tardy record of 97 days. Plus, I ended up doing most of your makeup work."

"Well I'm sorry school has to take a backseat when there ARE EVIL PEOPLE TRYING TO DESTROY NINGENKAI!!" said Yusuke, annoyed. He found a parking spot just outside the door.

"Oh look, there's Hiei and Botan now." commented Keiko. "Let's go meet them at the doors."

"Hey look, it's Keiko and Yusuke's car." said Botan as she pointed at it. She and Hiei, having no car, walked almost everywhere.

"Yippee." said Hiei sarcastically.

"Be nice. Now we're going to go in there, act like you're not a sociopath fire demon, and I'll pretend I'm not the Grim Reaper, and we'll just be a happy expecting couple learning how to take care of a baby." By this time, they had reached the doors of the building where the class was supposed to be. Keiko waved at them.

"Hey there!" she said happily.

"Hi!" replied Botan, acting like her normal, bubbly self. She opened the door and held it for everyone, laughing to herself at the rather somber looking guys.

The classroom they had been assigned was already filled with a bunch of couples with life-sized baby dolls. At the front of the classroom was an old lady who probably had had more children that the Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe, judging by the rolls of skin bulging out over her pants. (Why is it that most old people insist on wearing tight shirts, especially when they've got a lot of flab?)

"Okay everyone!" she yelled, calling the class to order. "It looks like everyone is here, so let's take attendance!" she pulled out a sheet and started calling names and asking for due dates.

"Botan, what's our due date?" asked Hiei.

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Oh shit."

"Okay, let's see…Keiko and Yusuke?"

"Here!" called Keiko. "Last name is Urameshi, and the due date is July 12."

"And now…Hiei and Botan…Um, there isn't a last name here…" she wore a puzzled expression.

"Here." said Botan.

"And your last name and due date?"

"Um…July 11...and…" She shot Hiei a look. "The last name is…Idunno…?"

"July 11, last name, Idunno?"

"Yeah."

"Uh huh…" she said with an 'ooookay,' expression. She glanced back at her list and continued to take attendance. After a few more minutes, she said, "Well, that's done. Now, show me how you would pick up the dolls in front of you."

Yusuke looked down at the doll. "Er, Keiko, it's staring at me."

Keiko picked up her doll and sighed. "Yusuke, just pick the thing up. Who cares if it's staring."

"It's creepy." he protested, but he picked the doll up anyway.

Botan grabbed hers and looked over to Hiei, who was staring at the doll with a blank expression.

"Hiei, pick it up! She's almost here." hissed Botan.

"…" Hiei picked it up and just stared at it. "What is this thing?"

"It's a doll." replied Botan simply.

"No, no, no, no, no!" exclaimed the old lady teacher-person, who had magically appeared behind them. "You're not supporting the head and neck!" she snatched Hiei's doll away and cradled it in her own arms, carefully holding the head and neck with one hand and using her other to support the body. "You hold it like this. I even have a song to help you remember the proper way to hold a baby, if you like!"

"Er…no thanks." said Botan with a raised brow. The teacher turned around to face her.

"Are you his wife?"

"No, but we live together."

"Not a very stable home environment." tsked the teacher. "You may want to consider marrying before the child is born."

"We don't plan on it."

"You should." persisted the teacher.

"Look, it's up to us whether or not we get married!" Botan exclaimed, a bit flustered.

"Jeez, I was just saying… Oh well." She moved on, not bothering to correct the way Botan was handling the doll. She just walked off muttering, "Teen pregnancies are getting way too out of hand…"

"Teen pregnancies?" said Botan to no one in particular. Hiei answered.

"Just how old are you?"

"Way past my teenage years."

"That's what I thought."

"Head and neck, Head and neck, don't forget the head and neck!"

"What the…?!" Botan looked over to Keiko and Yusuke, who were both looking up at the teacher with strange expressions as she sang the 'Head and Neck,' song to Yusuke.

"And that's how ya hold the…BA-BYYYY!" The teacher smiled. "Do you want to hear it again?"

"God n-" started Yusuke.

"Um, no thank you…" said Keiko with a sweat drop.

"Oh…" the teacher seemed disappointed. She moved on to the next couple.

"That really wasn't much of a song." commented Hiei.

"It was more her screeching words that don't rhyme to a tune with no pattern." added Yusuke. Keiko slapped him lightly in the arm.

"Manners, Yusuke!"

"How was that unmannerly?"

"I think you owe the teacher a put-up."

"A what?!" asked Hiei and Botan in unison.

"A put-up." said Keiko simply. "It's the opposite of a put-down. Every time you say something mean to or about someone, you owe them a put-up to make up to the put-down. It's a teaching tool I learned in school the other day. Remember? I'm going to be a kindergarten teacher!"

"I wonder how many 'put-ups' I owe the baka…" muttered Hiei.

"Please look up here!" called the teacher from the front of the room. "Now that we have perfected how you hold the child, let's see how you change them! These are new, high-tech dolls, so I want you all to turn your doll over, open the back of the shirt, and press the red button." She waited for everyone to do so. "Now your baby has a soiled diaper!" she exclaimed-like it was a good thing-once everyone was done. "I'll be passing out diapers momentarily." she grabbed a package of diapers from a shelf on the wall and started to pass them out from the front of the room working her way back. Of course, Hiei, Botan, Keiko, and Yusuke were in the back.

"So these dolls can shit themselves?" asked Yusuke. "Just when you think you've seen it all…"

"It is a bit odd…" agreed Botan. Hiei stayed silent.

"Well hey, it will only better prepare us!" commented Keiko cheerfully.

"You're happy that dolls can shit themselves?" asked Yusuke. "God woman, you're insane."

"Hey! You owe me a put-up!"

Yusuke sighed and thought for a moment. "Um…you have nice hair?"

"You used that one last week!"

"Nice shirt?"

"There we go." Keiko sat back on her heels, satisfied.

"Here's your diapers." said the teacher, dropping two before each couple. "I assume you know what to do." she turned on her heel and walked away.

"I think she hates us now." said Hiei, finally saying something.

"Probably. At least there's only five minutes left." said Botan as she undid the buttons on her doll's onesie1. Hiei mimicked her. Next, Botan undid the little Vel-cro tabs on the diaper to reveal…

"Ew!" she exclaimed. "It does soil itself!" As Hiei undid the little tabs, he also saw the little brown mark in the diaper.

"Only to better prepare us!" reminded Keiko as she pulled the diaper off.

"Keiko, shut up." said Yusuke bluntly, copying her.

"Yusuke, give me another put-up!"

"Nice pants."

Hiei rolled his eyes and then looked back to the task at hand. Botan had found some baby wipes in between the diapers and was wiping away the remains of the dolls….'discharge' Hiei did the same, but then stopped and sat back on his heels reproachfully.

"Hiei, what are you doing?"

"This is moronic! Why are we even here?"

"You know very well why!" her face was reddening from embarrassment and was twisting itself into that flustered look it always got when they fought. "Now please, don't do this here! Not when there are others around!"

"Why does it matter who's here?!"

"Hiei!"

Hiei simply crossed his arms and shot her a 'give it up,' look. She was used to that look, so she opened her mouth to yell at him, but before she uttered a sound…

"Everyone, that's it for today's lesson! See you next Thursday!"

Botan stood. "Let's go." She turned on her heel and started to walk off.

"I told you you could have done better!" Keiko called after her, but Botan ignored her. Yusuke simply laughed at Hiei.

"Now look what you've done! Remember Hiei, you have to sleep in the same room as her tonight! Might wanna patch things up!" Hiei glared at Yusuke for a moment before walking off after Botan.

Later….

"Hiei, why do you pull shit like that!" yelled Botan. She and Hiei were back home, in the living room of their apartment, fighting.

"Why do you go behind my back all the time, making plans for us without even consulting me first?!"

"Because I know the answer I'll get! Hn, Hn, Hn, Hn, HN!!!" she screamed. "I am sick and TIRED of that word!"

"I've hardly used it at all lately!"

"It doesn't matter! I know that's what you're thinking!"

"Onna-"

"Don't call me that! I have a name!"

"Botan-"

"You know what? I've had it. You can sleep on the couch tonight. The only reason I'm not turning you to the streets is because for some strange reason, I still love you. Now tomorrow we have an appointment with Dr. Bebi-Kiraa, and you are coming, whether you like it or not!"

"Fine!"

Botan stared at him for a moment, then disappeared into their bedroom, slamming the door.

Hiei sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. "Hiei, you bastard! Look what you've done! Now she's madder than you've ever seen her before, and it's because you're such an idiot."

Botan, after dramatically slamming the door, ran to her bed and jumped onto it, watching her teardrops soak into the comforter. "He is so IMPOSSIBLE!! God, I have a pretty hard temper to break…it's certainly taken long enough for me to snap…but god…" She glanced over at the framed letter on Hiei's side of the bed.

"Hiei,

It's me, Botan. I never thought I'd do this, especially crouched in my room with Koenma yelling at me to get to work…"

She grabbed the frame and read the letter twice over, more tears dotting the glass.

"You stupid, stupid girl!" she scolded herself. "You did this to yourself!" she looked down at her stomach, which still had not started to grow. She flopped over onto the bed, her head landing on Hiei's pillow. She inhaled deeply, letting his scent fill her nostrils, and then let it go. She rolled over onto her own pillow, and then cried herself to sleep.

In the living room, Hiei stood and silently crossed the room, leaving the apartment. He knew what he had to do….

The Next Morning

"Botan." whispered Hiei. "Botan, wake up."

Botan smiled dreamily. "Hiei…wait, Hiei!" she sat up and rubbed her eyes. She glanced at the clock. "We're late for the appointment."

"Forget the appointment. Come out to the living room."

She swung both legs to the other side of the bed, standing up and realizing she had fallen asleep in her clothes. She followed him into the living room, where thousands of pink, red, and Black Magic roses were arranged all over the place, all connected, all alive as one.

"Took me all night." muttered Hiei. "Of course I have a bit of help from Kurama, but…"

"Shhh." cooed Botan, drawing him into a hug. "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

And they kissed.

Me: That was possibly the longest chapter I have ever written. My fingers hurt. --. Anyway, Bebi-Kiraa means Baby-Killer! Inter-Dimensional sundaes for Nala, Tuathafaerie, and chibikare cuz' she was close! Good job! Anyway, R&R

Actually, one more thing. The dude who flamed me…Gryphonheart/Phlame-Draigen? Yeah, sorry if you didn't like my story, but if you hate HB fics then WHY DID YOU READ IT?! BTW Hiei-Kurama fics are screwed up.