By the expression on her face, it looks like for once, I may have actually said the right thing. She leans over the step and hugs me. For a split second, I am taken back but then I recover quickly and hold her tightly. I'm not quite ready to let get go and by the looks of it, neither is she.As we continue to hug, I start to notice other things, small things, like the fruity shampoo smell of her hair and how soft it feels against my cheek. As I think about what we were talking about, I am reminded of Colin, of his death, of the fact that I could lose someone else I cared about and I find myself tightening my grip around her. She must have noticed because she pulls away slightly, looking into my eyes inquisitively. Somehow, she knows that I am thinking of Colin and suddenly all the sadness all the guilt just comes pouring out of me. She doesn't prompt me or offer any advice, she just holds my hand and listens. Yet somehow, it makes me feel a lot better. We end up sitting on the porch and talking the whole night. This whole being friends with a girl, is a completely novel thing for me. I've dated a lot of girls but I've never once been able to talk to them like I am talking to Hannah now.
The next day, Amy informs that Hannah is going for the test. I am uncertain whether what I said influenced that decision in any way, but I don't know how I feel about it. Amy, however, seems certain that this is the right decision. All I can think about is the possibility that the test may be positive and even the idea of that bothers me. I don't know when or how, but sometime during the course of the year she has come to mean a lot to me. The whole day I debate whether or not I should go see Hannah about the test thing.
As things go, it happens that I don't end up having enough time to worry about the test and the results. Not soon after I find out that Jillian has accused me of sexual misconduct. At first, I am indignant. Jillian and I had only gone on a couple of dates, I didn't realise that she would take it so hard when I dumped her. But my mum says something that makes me think, pointing out that I seem to treat women like objects. A huge part of me doesn't want to believe that I am such a jerk, that I am not like that. But as I start to go through the list of girls I've dated in my head, I can't think of one girl that I had anything remotely meaningful with. I am not exactly eager to be tied down or anything but it is pathetic when you think that the only women I seem to respect are members of my family. No, that's not entirely true, I would say I respect Hannah too. But then again, I was a complete jerk to her in the beginning too. So that list of women I have treated with respect seems to be quite short and while I know to it's too late to being making new year's resolution, I find myself promising myself to make that list longer.
At Ephram's surprise party, I stumble across Hannah sitting on the stairs alone. My heart drops quite literally when I see her sad face. I pray silently that it's not bad news, terrified to ask her what the results.
" It was negative."
And suddenly I feel so relieved. I know I have a massive grin on my face but I can't help it. Her expression changes too. She's still teary-eyed but they are tears of joy now. I pull her into a huge hug, twirling her around. As I put her down on the ground, I find myself staring in the eyes. I don't know how it happens, but the next minute we were kissing. What I do know is that I kiss her back and I enjoy it. It was only a brief kiss, over before it had really started but it changes everything. I am shocked, and by the looks of it, so is she.
"I think I need some time alone just to deal with result".
I nod, unable to find any words. Who would have thought that I'd be speechless. I comply and leave her.
The next morning, as we sit to breakfast, Dad asks about Hannah.
"The results were negative, " I tell him.
"Yeah she's decided to go back to Minnesota for a week to go visit her family," adds Amy
This news shocks me. After all, it's hardly a good sign if someone leaves the state after you kiss. Logically I know that she's probably going home because of the results but it has just left me more confused. Hannah is hardly the kind of girl I normally go about kissing. We were both caught up in the heat of the moment. And yet I can't keep thinking about her. I know I like her, I know that right now I miss her, and I know that I returned the kiss. Suddenly I feel like everything has changed and I start to wonder if perhaps I like her like her. Unlike Ephram or Amy, I don't like to analyse things, I prefer to act first, think later. I know the only real way I can solve this is by seeing her again. At first I think of going to Minnesota to sort it out. But I don't want to intrude on her family gathering and this can wait.
The week passes so slowly. On the day of her arrival back from Minnesota, I actually find myself excited with anticipation. I wait in her room, planning things that I might say. However, when she enters the room, I end up taking a different route. I walk up to her, cup her face in my hands and kiss her properly. Who would have thought? That I'd be having a make out session with Hannah on her bed. It's not like I haven't done this before, with other girls, many probably more experienced than her, and yet today, when I kiss her, I feel something different, good different.
"Look Hannah, I know this was probably unexpected I mean it was for me ..." I want to kick myself as I hear myself babble. Since when do I babble. However, it seems that Hannah isn't in the mood for talking as she silences me with another kiss.