Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!
This fic is not meant to offend
Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os in this chapter, and probably subsequent chapters too! :D
Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!
Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D
Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?
Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!
Set: Very AU but around Tabula Rasa.
Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!
Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)
Buffy and the melodramatic parody
*Later on, At the Magic Box*
Joan dramatically hurled the door open and swept into the shop, Randy manfully hot on her heels (in more than one way.) Willow and Alex followed, holding hands, Alex swaggering and Willow craning to see where Tara had gone.
Rupert and Anya scrambled up from their compromising position on the floor, and smiled at the intruders. Rupert cleaned his glasses, and Anya hung off his arm.
"I've gathered you all here because there's something you should know" Joan said purposefully, once everyone had settled themselves.
"But you di-" Alex began before Joan glared at him and cut him off mid-sentence
"I've gathered you all here because…" (dramatic pause) "I think you should all know that Randy has a terrible secret, something that must never be revealed, something that will affect us all, something that will make you rethink the way you look at the world, the way you eat breakfast, the way you clean between your toes, the way-"
She stopped when she realised that everyone was asleep. Joan coughed subtly (i.e. Had a massive hacking coughing, gagging fit).
As one, the group woke (obviously excluding Joan)
*SNERK*
Joan continued "As I was saying… Randy is…a…" Rupert's head had started to nod again, raising her voice she shouted
"Randy's a VAMPIRE!"
As one, the group gasped (obviously excluding Joan)
*GASP!*
"Randy's a what now?"
"Will he steal the money?"
"Is he dangerous?"
"Oh Goddess!"
"A Vampire? Highly irregular… my own son… I never suspected…"
"Hey! I didn't even know I was! And I'm safe…honestly dad, like a neutered puppy!"
"But the money!"
The group all began speaking at once, when the door suddenly and petulantly burst open and there was a blinding flash of light. A moment later, the group had grabbed their sun-contact-lenses (handily placed) and put them in (also easier to work with in the plot than sunglasses!!) Except Alex who kept poking himself in the eye. Screaming, he forced the pesky lense into his eye.
"Phew" he sighed, putting his arm slyly around Willow.
Dawn bounded over to the table and screamed. Loudly.
"AAAAAAHH!!!!! Sorry, felt like something I usually do." The gang smiled in a pained way at her, wishing they'd brought their earplugs, so they could ignore the brat.
"As I was saying…" Joan said, exasperated that Dawn had stolen her limelight.
"What were you saying?" Dawn whined, "Was it about me?"
"Oddly enough, no." the whole group replied (even Tara, who we all know needs a backbone)
"Actually, it was about Randy." Said Joan.
Dawn's face fell.
When Dawn realised Joan hadn't started speaking yet she immediately began chatting away, oblivious to the fact that the constant barrage of bollocks coming out of her mouth was like having a pneumatic drill slowly pushed through your head.
As the group slowly slipped into a stupor, a crazy plan began to form in Joan's head. Raising her head slowly off the table, she looked round the group and wondered if she would ever get out of the room alive to tell them the plan.
Well… I wasn't sure I was going to finish this chapter so quickly (for me anyway) so I'm pleased with myself…even if I should have been doing my art coursework (exam in 2 weeks!!! AAAH!) anyway… review please! :D and thank you SO much to the people that have, you made my day! (Well most of you…)
Masquerade- I know exactly what you mean, so I sympathise… I hope this chapter's up to scratch! Cheer up :D
Emmylou- Thanks! I'm glad it's not just me distracting myself with fanfic! Hope it's updated quickly enough for you!
Wolf116- hehe, I think this chapter should have enough Dawn bashing for you, and more to come! *Grins evilly* mmmm… naked Spike… sorry, got a bit distracted there! Lol. (I'm fairly new to this, what are A Ns? I thought author notes but I wasn't sure! :S) well I always thought it was an amusing episode so what the hell!!
Sweetietruth- Honestly, why did you bother reading it if you knew you wouldn't like it. Why did you even bother clicking the link? On. My. Story.
Randy Bly- seriously, I have no problem with the name Randy, I never meant to offend you, or anyone else with the name Randy, no bullshit. It was only meant as a joke, and I hope no one with the name Joan gets offended either!
Serenity- Thank yoo! I hope I will write more chapters (I hope you'll like them!) and never fear, there will be plenty of Dawn bashing and even more Spike! :D
Azure K Mello- awh! That's the nicest review I've had so far! Thanks so much! I'm so jealous, I'd love to go to drama school! Thanks for the ideas, I was wondering where it was going to go from here, and they're just perfect! Once more, thank you!! :D
Thanks everyone!
Dork with a Fork
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