Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!
This fic is not meant to offend
Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os in this chapter, and probably subsequent chapters too! :D
Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!
Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D
Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?
Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!
Set: Very AU but around Tabula Rasa.
Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!
Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)
Buffy and the melodramatic parody
*Seven Hours Later*
Dawn had finally talked herself to sleep, after six hours ranting about her shiny, shiny hair. A further hour after that Joan woke up (being the slayer she always had to be the first to do everything.) she looked around the room, wondering what time it was. Judging by the dim light starting to penetrate the blinds, about six in the morning. Suddenly she woke completely
"Randy!" she whispered, looking frantically around the room for his manly form. There he was…lying so peacefully; he almost looked like he was sleeping… Oh wait. He was.
Joan ran over to him and gently shook him. No response. She shook him a bit harder. No response. She shook him with all her (considerable) slayer strength. No response. She was flummoxed. Then she smiled… she knew what would wake him…
She threw her leg over his, so she was sitting on him. (No, come on! get your minds out of the gutter!) She leant closer and smiled as she pressed her lips to his,
"Oh Buffy!" he smiled sleepily, not noticing the suddenly shocked expression on Joan's face
"WHAT?! What did you call me? I can't believe this! All along, I thought you liked me, but instead you were thinking of this… Buffy…what kind of a ridiculous name is that anyway? Buffy…I can't believe it! You're cheating on me with someone called… Buffy…" With that she burst into tears.
Randy was slightly (and manfully) confused "Joan… what's the matter… luv?" he pulled her close and held her as she cried
"No! Randy, I should hate you! Why can't I hate you?" she smiled shyly up at him. He smiled manfully back at her. Suddenly Joan remembered why she had been trying to wake him
"Randy! Quickly! We have to get you somewhere dark, the sun's coming up!" she ran over to the door and threw it open, oblivious to the fact that their little… entanglement had lasted a while longer than expected. Sunlight streamed into the shop, and Randy took a perfect comedy dive behind the counter to escape it.
"Bloody hell! What do you think you're playing at? Are you trying to kill me?" Randy yelled, inadvertently waking everyone in the shop (except Dawn who could sleep through an apocalypse, and had done on more than one occasion)
Joan slammed the door shut,
"Oops! Sorry honey!" she ran over to him, and placed her hands all over his manly body to… er… check he wasn't…burned.
The gang averted their eyes as things got a bit feisty. Alex coughed not so subtly.
*HACK! GAG!*
"Huh?" Joan's muffled voice said
"Oh… uh… Joan, wanna go back to your house and um…live up to my name?" Randy said quietly, in a very randy (and manful) way.
"Hell yes!" Joan said, grabbing his hand and running to the door. Just before she opened it, she stopped
"Damnit! Daylight… DAMNIT! WHERE DO I LIVE?!" Joan was considerably frustrated (in more than one way!)
"Oh! I can help with that!" Anya yelled, making everyone jump. "While Rupert and I were… cleaning the shop, I found this address book… under the shelves" Rupert blushed, and Anya looked shifty. She stuck out her arm, and gave Joan the address book.
"But I'm not in here" Joan said, stupidly.
She turned the page, and her eyes glazed over.
"What is it pet?" Randy asked, peering over her shoulder.
Joan snapped the book shut and marched over to the door throwing a blanket at Randy. She yanked the door open, and dragged Randy with her as she strode purposefully out of the door.
"Well… what now?" Alex asked, leering at Willow. She smiled weakly.
"It's a pity Joan took the address book with her, isn't it?" Willow said coolly, glancing appreciatively at Tara when she restrained a giggle.
"Hey, Tara do you want to explore the shop?" Willow said, and Tara nodded. They hurried off into the back to… explore…
"Hey Will! You want me to come and protect you? We could smooch!" Alex yelled after her, feeling slightly left out, although he couldn't quite work out what from.
*
"Willow… I thought you'd already seen what was behind here. Why did you want to come back here?" Tara asked as they stood just slightly too close in the gym behind the shop.
"Tara… I don't really know how to say this, and I don't know how you'll react. I just want to know that you wont ignore me if… if…" she stopped, as she saw that Tara was smiling.
"What?" Willow asked gently.
Tara said nothing, just looked into Willow's eyes. Willow stopped, spellbound. For once in her life Tara took the initiative. Leaning forward she tentatively placed a kiss on Willow's lips. Seeing that Willow didn't pull away, she deepened the kiss.
*Twenty Minutes Later*
"I think I should go see where they are. Don't you think I should go see where they are?" Alex said for the tenth time in the last five minutes.
"Oh for pete's sake! Just go already!" Anya said, angrily.
Alex got up, walked two steps forward then turned. Turned back. Then turned once more.
"I don't want to crowd her so early in our relationship. What do you think? What if she's in danger?"
Anya deflated. She'd been looking forward to some more of Rupert's er… cleaning. (Oh gross…sorry just got the double meaning!) It didn't appear that the rather attractive man was going to leave any time soon.
Alex turned towards the door again and walked decisively towards it. Anya breathed a sigh of relief.
Alex paused with his hand on the handle, unsure why he had such a sense of foreboding. Taking a deep breath he turned the handle and entered the room.
Ok, even I'm impressed with myself this time. I'm wrote this chapter on the same day as I put up chapter 3!
No messages to people, as I'm not sure if the last chapters even up yet!
Dork with a Fork
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