Scratching the corners of my brain for ideas… thinking about this massively melodramatic play… then thinking about Tabula Rasa… uh-oh! Beware!!
This fic is not meant to offend
Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! WARNING: muchos Dawn-os bashing…os and also… naked Spike! (I really hope I get around to naked Spike!)
Rating: R, just so I don't offend anyone!!
Pairing: X/W, W/T, G/A, B/S, D/D
Feedback: Ah go on! Come on people, if I don't get feedback how do I know if you like or hate my story?
Distribution: you actually want my story? Are you mad! Well feel free, just ask and it's yours…well not yours…but you can borrow it for a bit, as long as you take it's umbrella and wellys, these March days are wet!
Set: Very AU but around Tabula Rasa.
Stuff in ~* *~ are thoughts
Spoilers: I'm a BBC watcher… Spoilers! Don't make me laugh!!
Disclaimer: Does anyone else think I should change my disclaimer? Or is it just me that's kinda bored of it now? "I own nuttink, honestly Mr. police cop! Nuttink! Zat threat to Joss vas nuttink to do vith me… honestly! Vat do you mean you 'aven't said anysink about a death threat… ah…*laughs nervously* lovely veather ve are havink, ya?" (Where exactly am I from? What language am I speaking? Where am I? How long can I keep all this stuff going on before I get to the story? Obviously not long, coz here…it…is!)
Buffy and the melodramatic parody
Alex peered round the door, his heart thumping. He looked around the gym, trying to spot Willow and Tara, only to find them firmly attached to each other's mouths. He screamed like a woman and tore out of the gym.
Willow and Tara stopped momentarily.
"What was that?" Tara asked uncertainly
"Probably my boyfriend discovering I'm gay…" Willow replied before pulling Tara back to her hungry mouth.
*
A moment later, Alex was in the main shop, where he began screaming again, and ran out of the shop.
"What was that?" Rupert asked, momentarily stopping cleaning
"Probably Alex realising his girlfriend's gay" Anya said, forcing Rupert to resume cleaning.
*At Buffy Summer's House*
Joan marched purposefully up to the door and whirled round to face Randy
"Recognise anything?" She demanded
"Please luv, I think I'm about to burn up!" Randy pleaded with the incensed blonde. Joan spun back to the door and began pounding on it.
Five minutes later, when no one had responded, and the door had a considerable dent in it Randy timidly suggested she stop
"Oh… right. I guess the bitch is afraid to answer the door on her CHEATING boyfriend."
Randy took a step further back into the shade
"And I don't know where you think you're going Mr.!" Joan exclaimed grabbing him and dragging him off round the side of the house.
Reaching the back door she yanked it open and hurled Randy inside. While he was manfully picking himself up off the kitchen floor Joan burst into tears. Randy looked at her, mystified.
Between sobs, she explained
"I thought I might have been *sob* wrong! But now! *sob* you could enter the house *sob* that means you have been *sob* cheating! *SOB!*" at this point she broke down completely, and Randy, being the manly man he is got up and put his arms around her.
After a few minutes he gently pulled her through the house and found the living room. Handing her a box of kleenex he patiently sat, stroking her hair while she sobbed.
Randy, being the manful, hunky and clever bloke he is, had worked out by now that this was the infamous Buffy's house. He couldn't remember cheating on Joan, and found that he had no desire to when trying to imagine this Buffy character. So this presented a problem to him. He thought long and hard about this, while Joan cried long and hard about it.
When Joan had regained a bit of her composure, and was sitting on the couch sniffing, Randy got up and wandered thoughtfully around the room looking manfully at the objects lying around. Then he went and explored the house.
Joan followed, still wondering if she could be wrong.
~* How could this wonderful, sensitive, manly… sexy, sexy man cheat on her? Ooh… Randy naked… NO! Joan… concentrate! *~
Reaching a suspiciously bedroom like door Joan pushed it open and peered inside
"Well unless this Buffy is a teenager this isn't her room… oh god… she's not a teenager is she?"
Randy gave her a sarcastic look
~* Ooh I wish he wouldn't do that… it's so unlike him… and yet, positively arousing… NO! Find the Buffy bitch first. *~
Slamming open the second door with renewed vigour Joan realised this was it. And yet… looking around the room she got the feeling of deja vu…
She hunted the room for some evidence of Randy's presence, but not a single piece of tweed was to be seen. However, there was a rather sexy leather duster hanging in Buffy's wardrobe.
~* This Buffy must be a massive slut! Who knows what other leather gear she has hanging around… *~ Joan thought to herself as she rooted around Buffy's drawers.
"Damnit!" she said slamming the desk. At this a key fell off the desk which Joan snatched up and tried it in the chest on Buffy's floor. Oddly, there was a bottle of holy water, some garlic and a handful of stakes in there.
Joan was confused. Something was wrong in this scenario. Looking at the noticeboard she saw pictures of Willow, Alex, Dawn and Rupert. She got more confused. Going to the bedside cabinet she looked in those drawers, discovering a picture of…
"No way" Joan said, stifling an unbelieving laugh "No… WAY!"
"What is it pet?" Randy asked looking over her shoulder "BLOODY HELL!"
There in Joan's hand was a picture of Randy, in tight black jeans, a black t-shirt and that leather duster in the wardrobe. And standing provocatively next to him was…
"Joan… well… you an- and m-me… we're well… different in this picture…"
"Y-yes…" Joan said, mesmerised by the picture.
"Randy?"
"Yes Joan?"
"Now"
With that they fell into each other's arms, Randy frantically pulling his tank top off, and unbuttoning his shirt to reveal those finely toned muscles. Joan easily pulled her top over her head and watched as that manly flesh appeared. As soon as he'd finished unbuttoning his shirt he grabbed her trousers and yanked the zipper. Slipping his own off they fell against each other and straight onto the bed.
*Four hours later*
Joan lay sleeping on the pillow next to him, and Randy stroked her hair as she slept. He had been amazed. She was such a small woman, but god did she have some stamina! And being a vampire himself he had the advantage over human men. That was definitely an afternoon he'd never forget! He chuckled softly at his little joke and slid out of bed.
He had also had an odd feeling coming into the room, and he wanted to find out why. Slipping on the leather duster over his naked form, he padded the room, opening drawers quietly and rifling through the contents. Finding a diary he opened it and began reading
'Dawn is such a pain in the ass. Why can't she understand what it's like for me! I know she's my sister and I know I haven't been around much lately, but it's not my fault!
I've felt so disconnected from everything. Spike's the only one who's been there for me. Being dead already he knows what its like. I feel so wrong being with him but at the same time it feels so completely right.
It's so different than it was with Angel. Maybe it's the eyes, Angel always had pathetic puppy dog eyes. To be honest, he was more attractive as Angelus, he had that spark of danger. I think that's what attracts me to Spike, he's so different, but he understands so much.
If I didn't know any better I'd say I was falling in love with him… no, that's ridiculous… but even so…'
Randy narrowed his eyes as he read, cogs working in his mind as he tried to figure it out. He heard Joan stirring, and turning to her he found her propped on her elbow smiling at him
~* Jesus! He has the biggest- *~
"Hello" Randy said interrupting her thought as he smiled back at her
"It suits you" Joan said gesturing to the duster, "especially with nothing underneath"
Randy raised an eyebrow at her, and she felt a quiver go down her spine. She mentally shook herself and, spotting the diary held out her hand to it.
Randy gave it to her and she scanned the page he had just read. Her eyes narrowed, then widened as she read it.
"What does this mean?" she asked (as if he would know!)
"I'm… not entirely sure" Randy replied cautiously, "I know what it looks like, but I don't want to draw sudden conclusions."
"Do you think… that maybe, I'm… Buffy?" Joan asked half-incredulously, half-believing.
"I don't know" Randy replied, turning away "but it would explain a lot…"
So what do you think? Never fear, there will be more Dawn bashing next chapter, but hey! This chapter has Spike naked! What more could you want!! :D
Thank You so, SO much to the people who have reviewed so far, keep up the good work! :D
Caitee Marsters- firstly great pen name! What a great religion, how do I join? J I'm pretty anti fluffy spuffy (hehe) but my fic seems to have gone that way…oops! I meant for it to be just a bit Buffy & Spike rather than spuffy…anyway! Thank you! I will read your story, but as I have my art exam on Monday (AAAAH!!) I probably won't be able to for a while! Thanks!
Rose Williams- ah, I'm so glad it's not just us brits moping along behind the americans! Where are you in the series? We're mid-way through season six. Thanks for reviewing!
Wolf116- I can't help it, I hate Dawn…what else can I say?! :D hopefully there'll be more in the next chappie!
Lastly, I'm so sorry this has taken so bloody long to get up, but my computer broke (ie. No hard drive space and no mouse. Wonderful.) so I've been bereft of anything to do! Lol, but seriously… hopefully it'll all be sorted out soon, so I hope this chapter's worth the wait…hmm…
Dork with a Fork
xxx