Disclaimer: I wasn't JK before, and I'm not JK now! Stop reopening this damn wound!

"Professor Flitwick?" asked Hermione politely. The short old wizard nodded, not looking up from his book. "May I ask for a different partner?"

"To quote a very wise author, "You may ask, but you will not receive." (A/N: um, if no one actually, said that, I guess I'm calling myself a very wise author… And one day I will be! You'll see, when books are published and read by millions of kids, and the author is SM Grimes, you'll know! Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!)

"But professor!" whined Hermione.

"Really, professor," drawled Malfoy. "If she's willing to act like a two year old, might as well give it to her.

Hermione rounded on him. "You wanna know what else annoys the hell out of me? THAT DAMN DRAWL!" She saw Malfoy's eyes flicker over her shoulder, where professor Flitwick was standing on his books, looking quite shocked that his favorite student had just screamed a curse in his classroom. Hermione cringed when she realized what Malfoy was smirking at. He heard her mutter, "Fcking lizard."

"Damn mudblood," he retorted.

"Slick ass ferret."

"Bush Head."

"Bastard Slytherin."

"Bitch Gryffindor."

"Didn't we establish that last night?"

"Yeah, just making sure you didn't forget it." Professor Flitwick looks REALLY upset by now

"I swear, one more word and I'll—"

"You'll what? Curse me with purple hair?"

"It is ON!" screamed Hermione. And instead of pulling out her wand, Hermione lunged for Malfoy, knocking him to the ground. Once there, a wrestling/ruleless boxing match occurred. Students clustered around the pair in a tight ring, shouting the oh-so-cliché 'Fight, fight, fight'.

Hermione by this time had a split lip and a fist-sized red mark on her stomach that was going to turn into a bruise eventually. Because Hermione had the element of surprise, Malfoy had a bloody nose, a black eye, and two split lips.

Hermione furled her leg up and shot it out, kicking Malfoy in the muscle right above his knee, making him double over in pain. He lunged for her, his heavier and longer frame effectively pinning her to the ground. (Flitwick is attempting to fight his way through the crowd) Malfoy gave her a black eye, then just laid on her, keeping her immobile. Hermione fought like a wildcat, attempting to further damage Malfoy.

Finally, Flitwick fought his way through and separated the two.

"PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE! NOW!" He bellowed. Well, it was a bellow for someone his size, anyway. With that, he marched the two down the hallway to the Headmaster's office, waves of chatter breaking out behind them.

"You're so dead if I ever find you alone," hissed Hermione.

"You're not one to talk."

"I am the best witch in this school," she said smugly.

"And I'm the best wizard."

"Yes, but you're still second to me in grades."

"Who gives a damn about grades!"

"The grades prove what I already know: I'm better than you."

"You wish."

"Don't you just LOVE how wishes come true?"

"Mudblood."

"Slick ass ferret."

They had reached Dumbledore's eagle thingy. "White ferrets," squeaked Flitwick. Malfoy's jaw dropped, and Hermione giggled. In fact, she was still giggling when they got to Dumbledore's office. Then she quickly shut up, remembering that she was in trouble.

"Ah, Professor Flitwick! Mr. Malfoy, Miss Granger, lovely to see my two best students for no apparent reason!" Hermione and Malfoy traded looks.

"I wish," said Flitwick. "These two started physically brawling in my classroom! As if they were muggles!"

"I'll take it from here," said Dumbledore calmly. Flitwick strode out of the office muttering to his imaginary friends. "So, is this true?"

"Duh," said Malfoy, lounging back in a chair.

"Yes Headmaster," said Hermione softly, hanging her head in embarrassment.

"And why were you brawling?"

"BECAUSE WE HATE EACHOTHER!" they screamed at the same time. Okay, well, Hermione screamed, Malfoy bellowed.

"Why?"

"Because, Headmaster, he's never given Ron, Harry, and I anything but grief. He's a total ass, sorry professor, and he thinks he's a better wizard than I am a witch!"

"And she's a complete and total smart-ass bitch who thinks she knows everything! She, Weasel, and Potter are on their high horses constantly. I'm the only one with enough nerve to bring them down."

"More like stupidity," Hermione muttered. Malfoy ignored her.

Dumbledore was… kinda… angry by now. "You two have anger issues with each other that I want sorted out! You are school prefects, and are supposed to be setting examples of relationships between the Houses, NOT examples of feuds! You both have detention with Hagrid for the next week. And if I hear any more about this fighting, you will both be relieved of your badges. Permanently."

Hermione gaped. Of course she'd had detentions before, she was part of the marauders of her time. But detention with Malfoy? Just the thought made her want to twitch.

Malfoy was gaping as well. He wanted to kill something right then. Something small and furry/bushy. Hermione would do very well…