This fic is not meant to offend
Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is a parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! WARNING: much Riley bashing, although unfortunately no naked Spike in this one! Also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother with this chappy, as it is included.
Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…
Buffy and the melodramatic parody
Riley leered round the door, his heart thumping. He looked around the gym, trying to spot Joan and Randy, only to find them firmly attached to each other's mouths. He screamed like the woman he is and waddled out of the gym.
Randy and Joan stopped momentarily.
"What was that?" Randy asked huskily,
"Riley…" Joan sighed, as she gave Randy a final kiss and turned to follow the slumped back as it retreated to the main shop.
*
A few minutes later, Riley reached the main shop entrance, where Joan spun him round and came face to face with the kicked puppy look. She shuddered internally and forced a smile
"Riley… Look, it's not what it looks like. Well…maybe it is, I don't know. What did it look like?"
He took a deep breath and his pig like eyes began to fill with water
"I thought you liked me!" he whimpered
"Yeah… well… uh… what gave you that impression?" Joan stammered out.
Riley held up his hands to start a list when Randy came up behind Joan and put his hands on her waist,
"Come on gorgeous, I'm bored. Ditch the loser and lets get out of here" he murmured in her ear.
She swatted him away, and gave Riley a tight smile
"Excuse me…" she said and dragged Randy off by the hand. Riley stared after her, bemused as to what had happened, then slumped off to the main room to wallow in depression (although not with alcohol because no-one ever drinks unless they are bad people…on second thoughts…)
Riley stared down at the bottle that had appeared in his hand, and shrugging, took a swig of it.
The scoobies stared at Riley, then shrugged and returned to their conversations.
At that moment the door slammed open and someone almost unrecognisable strode into the shop.
"Good lord…"
"AAAAH!!"
"Didn't we gag her?"
"Uh…"
"W-w-who?… W-w-what?"
"Alex? Is this about sex? Or money? Or some combination of the two?"
"Darling, not EVERYTHING is about sex and money you know."
"I know. Just most things" Anya replied amiably.
Alex stood in the doorway dressed in ass-tight flares, a bright pink shirt that was half open, a gold medallion and six-inch heels.
He swaggered into the shop, and stared in a derisive fashion at Willow and Tara. A slight stumble on the steps ruined the look a little but all the same he was an intimidating sight.
He stood with one hand on his hip, looking like some bizarre '70's model when the back door slammed open and Randy and Joan shuffled into the shop, looking slightly flustered.
They looked up at the same time, then turned and walked back out of the room. Peering round the door again the silence was broken by their hysterical fits of laughter that were clearly audible even through the closed door.
A few minutes later they emerged, still composing themselves.
"Hi Alex" Joan said, in as calm a voice as she could manage. She sounded somewhat like cat on helium.
"Alright Pet" Randy said in a tone that almost masked the sarcasm. (I say almost in the way that Rupert's English.)
Alex… blushed.
"Hi, Randy" Alex said coyly, smiling up at Randy from under heavily made-up eyelashes.
Randy looked confused.
"So… What happened?" Willow asked tentatively.
"Well, after you so publicly broke up with me," he said coldly, drawing mildly confused looks from the other scoobies "I decided that I didn't need you to be happy. I've found a new way of life."
Joan glanced at Randy, wondering if he was trying to hold in his amusement as much as she was. From the way his nostrils were flared she guessed that he was.
The smirk disappeared however when Alex tottered over to sit next to Randy, pressing up to him as much as was possible without looking conspicuous.
Randy shifted uncomfortably, trying to get his leg away from Alex's wandering hand.
Alex stopped momentarily, then crept his hand back.
*One hour later*
Willow and Tara had made their excuses and left half an hour ago, and Rupert and Anya were… exercising in the gym.
"I'd better take Umad back to my- uh… Buffy's house. I won't be long" she said, kissing Randy on the head. He gave her a pleading look which she ignored, grabbing Umad by the arm and dragging her out of the shop.
Riley staggered out after her, in a drunken stupor and Randy had a feeling it wouldn't be long before-
*THWACK*
"Yup, there it is" Randy muttered to himself, half amused, half trying to get Alex to let go of his leg.
He glanced round the table realising just how far he had shuffled round. He was now almost back where he had started.
"Alex…" he started
"Yes?" Alex replied, batting his eyelids sweetly at the manly man in front of him.
"What…exactly are you doing?" Randy asked tactfully
Alex looked down at his hands, which were wrapped not-so-subtly around Randy's thigh.
"Well… uh… I…" Alex struggled to find the words. Then decided he'd try Tara's approach.
Leaning over (not far) he gently cupped Randy's head in one hand and drew it towards him. He closed his eyes as his lips made contact with Randy's.
Randy didn't pull away so Alex deepened the kiss. Opening his mouth he pushed his tongue into Randy's mouth. Alex slid his hand up Randy's thigh and felt the protuberance there
*Jesus he's a big boy! Looks like he lives up to his name!* Alex thought.
As Alex reached for the zipper on Randy's trousers Randy leapt up like a salmon.
"JESUS Alex! Hands shouldn't go there! Especially not yours!" Randy exploded,
Alex looked hurt.
"So you'll kiss me like you should have done years ago… probably… then spurn me when it gets too serious. I see…"
"Look Alex, I've been dead for 122 years, and I've dabbled with men. But men dressed like you?! No bloody way! Look pet, you're very sweet, but I don't do blokes anymore, yeah? Sorry love…" with that Randy got up and went after Joan.
*Wait a second* he thought *I've been dead for HOW many years? My memory… it's coming back!*
*WHACK*
Ooh! Aren't you scared for poor little Spikey? Never fear, I'm sure he'll be ok!
One review for chapter 6?! Come on people, the little button is simply BEGGING you to press it!
Wolf116: thanks! I'm so glad someone else appreciates Dawn and Riley bashing, oh and of course naked spike! I'm planning for Riley to die and take Dawn with him, but I'm not quite sure how yet! Any suggestions? :D
Dork with a Fork
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