This fic is not meant to offend

Summary: What if the spell hadn't been reversed? I can't stand those fics but this is an AU parody, so should (hopefully) be funny! WARNING: much Dawn and Riley bashing, the possibility of naked Spike and also, if you don't approve of slash, then don't bother, not that there's much, but there is some.

Decided to cut all the crap, seeing as if you haven't picked it up by now you must be bloody slow… or else you're reading it sdrawkcab! Hehe…

Buffy and the Melodramatic Parody

Joan leant back in her chair and pulled a cigarette from the packet she had found in Spike's duster. She lit it, and began to smoke it.

Rupert suddenly loomed out of the shadows, cleaning his glasses. Joan leapt about six feet in the air and dropped her cigarette, instantly incinerating three ancient texts and Alex's burrito.

"JESUS Rupert! Don't DO that!" she cried. She then picked up her cigarette, which was now covered in chili.

"Damnit."

"Janet." Rupert replied mildly. Joan gave him an odd look.

"I love you!" Spike cried as he flew through the door from the gym.

"What?!" Joan asked, more than a little confused.

"You heard. I love you. I was sitting in the back after that nancy boy left, and I suddenly realised. I love you." He smiled and took a step towards her.

Rupert skulked off into the shadows again, sensing this wasn't a good moment to tell Joan about his innermost fantasies.

Joan suddenly had a flash,

~* She was in a crypt- wait. A crypt?- and… Spike was there looking really sexy in his duster, but a bit… stupid with his hair slicked back. He told her he loved her. And she… she…- no wait. This is so wrong- she rejected him. Viciously. *~

"Woah… deja vu…" she said, frowning.

"What is it pet?" Spike said anxiously, reverting more and more to the Spike we know and love. *swoons*

He took another step towards her and she took one backwards.

"Wait. Stop it. Just… just leave me alone for a minute ok… I just need… I need some space…" Joan said, getting more and more breathless and confused.

She ran out of the shop and onto the *only* street in Sunnydale. She got to the bridal shop next door before collapsing, unconscious, onto the cold, hard concrete.

*Six hours later*

She was looking down at herself. She looked younger than she was now and she was wearing a *very* short skirt and knee high boots. Good god…what am I wearing? And what's going on with my hair? And there was Willow, what's going on with her hair? She looks like a dork! And Rupert… wearing a large amount of tweed and standing in a library. That's odd. She couldn't hear anything that was going on, but it all seemed slightly faded, as if it had happened years ago.

She felt a strong wind around her and suddenly she was looking down at some kind of underground cavern. There was a really freaky looking man- at least, she supposed he was a man- standing in the centre of the room. He seemed to be talking to a group of vampires. He walked over to an area of the cavern that didn't seem particularly special, but when he laid his hand on it, the air rippled.

Another wind –this must be playing havoc with my hair- and she was looking down at herself again. She was in a part of Sunnydale that she didn't recognise (for obvious reasons!) and she was talking to the exclamation mark (point) guy. Odd thing was, he didn't look any different, whereas she still looked so young. He handed her a small box, which she opened. Joan tried to lean in closer to see what was in the box, and glimpsed a silver cross before the invisible force holding her gave way and she tumbled forward, apparently into the scene before her.

She sat up with a start. It was dark again.

"Bloody hell!" She thought to herself.

"You would have thought someone would have found me before sundown. What great friends I have." Joan muttered sarcastically to herself as she hauled her stiff body up off the sidewalk. Stretching herself thoroughly she glanced around at her surroundings.

"Ooh! Pretty!" She thought, moving to the bridal shop window, and pressing her hands and nose to the glass as she ogled the meringue shaped dresses.

Suddenly she heard a muffled scream from inside the shop. It was obviously closed, as it was… you know… evening… so naturally our little heroin was suspicious. Finding the door open she stepped inside and was met by two further screams joined by one from herself.

"Buffy! It's not what you think!"

Ooh, cliffhanger or what? Sorry for the shortness, hopefully the next one will be longer, but revision is… no actually I'm not doing much revision, but I do have over twenty pages of script to learn in two weeks which is a bitch…

Joesarah97- thanks! Doesn't everyone hate Riley? I think anyone who likes him should be deeply ashamed! And Dawn… don't even get me started on… that. Anyway, hope you've had the patience to keep reading!

Melian- Thank you! That's always nice to hear! Shame on you that you don't know who Ben Kingsley is! Honestly! He's been in Gandhi, Sexy Beast, Twelfth Night, Schindler's List, Species, Photographing Fairies, Anne Frank, and about a million other things? Please? L

Anyway, I'm getting off track… I will bring Angel back, but only to be beaten and have the piss taken out of, so avert your eyes if this offends you (but keep reading!) oh. A simple question for you… how does Dawn not irritate the hell out of you? I'm actually curious, not trying to be scathing or horrible, I actually want to know! Ok, I'll bear in mind that they do drink, it's just most episodes I've seen have only had "baddies" drinking, and like in OMWF when she goes to Spike's crypt and he offers her the drink and she says "A world of no." so that's what I was basing it on… oh well!

Ok the whole "still calling her Joan" thing is because she's mostly sure, but no-one else (except Spike) knows she is. When they all know who each other are, then their names change… I hope that's not too confusing! Blimey I wrote a lot! :D

Doodlebug- Yeah ok… but to be honest it wasn't two chapters coz you wrote one at my house. So now we're even coz I wrote an authors note. Alright? :D

Wolf116- You are still my most faithful reviewer, so thanks! Big cheesy thumbs up to you! The whole Ikandy/Eye candy thing was pretty inspired, I'm impressed with myself! What can I say. I'm a genius! Lol! Mmm… Spike naked… *drools* oops! Sorry… yeah I like Angel too, but he's a dick when he's around Buffy. I'm sorry, but he is coming back… but only to get beaten up again!

I have a fantastic torture for Riley and/or Angel… but you'll have to wait and see. I'm still trying to think of something for Umad…

Hope you're all still reading!

Dorkus with a Forkus

xxx