My updates are really taking ages to um… be updated these days. I just haven't been able to get on my computer as much, and I'm still at stupid school and yaddah yaddah. Anyway last night I went and saw my favourite comedian Wil Anderson (he's so hot) with some friends and you know, it was funny so it got me into being funny so I came home a few days later and wrote this. Anyway. Yeah. Quick disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh or Little Britain.

"Marik?" Malik called, walking into his lounge. His yami was on the couch. "Whatcha doing Marik?"

Marik smiled as best he could at his hikari. "I am expressing myself without using physical violence, mental abuse or emotional blackmail, aibou."

"That's a first," Malik muttered. "How are you expressing yourself then?"

Marik tapped the side of his nose and said nothing, so Malik looked over his shoulder. "Marik! You're cursing people again! You spiky-haired weirdo."

"I prefer the terminology "Pantene Hair Care Professional,"" Marik said huffily.

"Oh please, you had your own personal hair-care hotline for a month." Malik rolled his eyes.

"Ahem. Two months," Marik corrected. "And it's still running." He hit the answering machine button on their phone.

"You have… 128 new messages…" said the voice recording. "Last message received… today at… 11:31am…"

"Shampoo genie!" screamed a strangers' voice. "Please help, I've set my golden locks on FIRE!"

"Hmm," Marik said, checking his watch. "He'll be dead by now. "Shame I missed it."

Malik snorted. "I can't believe you called yourself "the shampoo genie"…"

"Shut up," Marik snapped, whacking Malik with the journal.

"Gimme that," Malik replied, snatching away the journal. "Stop causing trouble." He stalked off and Marik glared.

Dear friendship journal,

There. I thought I should start this properly, with the whole "dear journal" thing.

Anyway, the point is, why is Marik writing in pink? He is such a freak. He's been a bit wrong in the head ever since the time he kept hitting himself in the forehead with the Millennium Rod, insisting he could retreat into a soul room just like Yami and Bakura can.

He can't, of course.

Anyway, ever since then he's been a bit stupid. Must have been something he ate that day. I never knew salmonella could give you brain damage!

I'll never get brain damage, because I don't eat meat, because I'm a vegetarian. And not just any vegetarian – I'm the kind that doesn't eat colourful vegetables, only green vegetables. And only the green vegetables that are good for my hair. And soybeans. They're an exception.

My doctor says if I keep this up I'll be dead at 25. So what, the average life expectancy for a man is 75, so I'll only die 10 years before everyone else.

…

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 70, 75, 80…

Yeah. So Marik will live 10 years longer than me, big deal. I'm just glad he will die. He's such a jerk. He calls me a vegelesbian.

Speaking of diets… I'm getting dizzy again… this pen is really heavy… I need some soybeans. Marik? Marik, I need soybeans!

"Marik, I need soybeans!"

Marik sighed, grabbed a tin of soybeans, and went to see his hikari in the lounge. "Why don't you just eat some meat? Bakura has some nice steaks at his place."

"No, Marik." Malik started stuffing soybeans into his mouth with a spork. He always kept a spork in his pocket – it's dead handy and less painful than a fork if it jabs you.

"Vegelesbian," Marik muttered.

"Shut up!" Malik jabbed his yami with the spork.

"Ow, bitch!" Marik threw the journal at Malik. It bounced off his shoulder and landed open on the ground. Malik ignored it and went to make himself a protein shake.

Bored, Marik considered going outside and torching some cats, then remembered that somehow the government had put a restraining order on him. He had to stay 10 yards away from any cat.

Naturally Marik was now working on a catapult that could launch flaming rocks at cats from 10 yards away. (Obviously it wouldn't be a success – you can't light rocks on fire).

But right now he decided to read Malik's journal entry to amuse himself.

'What the?' Marik thought. 'He called me stupid! And brain-damaged! How dare he? I'll teach that little brat a lesson…'

Marik traced the letters on Malik's page with one finger and sung in a low voice:

"Almighty Ra, hear my wish,
I only want you to grant me this,
Make my hikari as bald as can be,
That'll teach him not to diss me!"

There was a small flash and some humming, then silence. Marik knew he had to rid himself of the journal before Malik realized he'd been making curses again.

"Malik, I'm going out!" he yelled, grabbing the journal and heading for the door. Malik replied with a protein-shake-filled grunt.

'Enjoy having hair with that shake, hikari…' Marik thought to himself. 'For soon it will all fall out!'

Note: The rhyme was MEANT to be lame. That was the joke.

Well I hope this chapter was worth the wait! This story is ALMOST COMPLETE! Please R&R!