Well I'm back again. I took like five years to write the next chapter, AGAIN, but now it's here. Cheer!
Warning: There's mild swearing and sexual themes in this :D
Oh! Oh my God – oh my GAY God! Tristan. Tristan dumped me. How dare he! After all we've been through together! Who taught him that it was unhealthy to only clip your toenails every two years? Me!
Who taught him the difference between prozac and ice cream before he unintentionally OD-ed? Me!
Who taught him Paris Hilton is a man-eating whore who's head is so far up her own arse she won't even marry a man unless he has the same name as her? Me!
Who told him Serenity had AIDS? Me! Okay, so it was a lie. But he's happier being a gay! Except for his occasional bouts of depression.
Who helped Marik join the FBI two weeks ago so Tristan didn't feel bad that he'd let that psycho give his mother brain damage? Me!
Who taught Tristan to duel? …Yami. But I watched for five minutes!
And who taught him that carrots could be used as a dangerous weapon? Bakura and ME!
I can't believe Tristan would do this! Okay, so he didn't actually say the word "dumped," but he does like that motorbike more than me!
That damn bike. I should have destroyed it that day I came over to give Tristan a chainsaw for his birthday and I say the bike just sitting in the driveway.
I miss Tristan so much! I wish I was a motorbike so Tristan would ride me…
But I digress. It's over and I must move on. Yes, move on… by becoming really butch, just like Tristan! I'll show him who's the dominant one! I'll be wearing the pants around here! (But only if they're brand-name leather).
Yes, I am going to smoke, drink, chew with my mouth open and stay up late watching porn!
…
Ah nuts to that, I'll just hit on Joey. He's quite butch if you think about it… messy hair, un-plucked eyebrows, watches monster movies, washes his car shirtless, eats chicken…
Ooh, I'm getting all hot under the collar now. It wouldn't be a problem if I dressed like Yugi, coz then I would just take my collar off.
Yugi… he's friends with me, Tea, Joey, Ryou and Tristan! Oh how I miss him! Our long days spent laughing together! Our long nights spent… sleeping…
Ahem… er… the way he used to use three bottles of hair gel and then try to head butt people and draw blood! The way he'd always try to make friends with Bakura and end up getting stabbed! The way he learnt to sew so he could sew up those wounds! The way he and Joey had burping contests!
…
Okay, so I don't miss the burping. Can you blame me? But still, so many other things I miss!
Like the way he smells. It's like honeycomb… mixed with grease… mixed with printer cartridge ink… a dash of cucumber… and gym socks. Delicious.
Ah Tristan, I love the way you stink! Will I ever find anyone so spankable as you? I – oh, hello, Jesse McCartney is on the television, is this some sort of sign?
No, he's butt-ugly. Get off the TV, ugly! Duke, you are beautiful… AND YOU ARE UGLY, JESSE!
Ah, he's gone. But reading over that last paragraph I have come to realize something:
I'm losing my mind.
Tristan dumping me has driven me crazy. I have to call Brittany, my spiritual advisor, to get my horoscope and find out if I'll get back together with Tristan before I go totally crazy and start wearing tartan shirts.
Well, I just hung up on Brittany. That bitch had the audacity to tell me that I am never going to get back with Tristan. Well, if she thinks I'm paying her her $15.50 per phone call, she's got another thing coming.
I can't believe this. My whole life has been ruined since I got this journal. If Ryou hadn't started it I would never have read that Tristan doesn't love me. I'm going now. I'm going to Ryou's house and I'm going to shove this journal up his non-homosexual arse sideways. Goodbye.
Well I hope this one was worth the wait too. I'm too lazy and clueless to make Yugi write an entry, so I think the next chapter will be the last! OH MY GOD! HOORAY! Anyway.
Claire, dear sister, the "I wish I was a motorbike…" line was for you.
Robyn, the "spankable" thing was for you. Sorry it wasn't about Malik :D