Title – Force Choke Happy
Version – 1.1
Genre – Humor/Parody
Rated – K+ - mild language/violence
Summery – Vader goes a little overboard with the force choking….. One – shot
Author's Note - This started with just a random joke my friend Kaze and I just started while watching The Empire Strikes Back. Nothing big, a few revisions and much procrastination later, here it is. Comments welcome, praise and constructive criticism will be appreciated; it will encourage me to write the sequel! (Woooooooo! That's so exciting!) Flames, well, they will just encourage me to write the sequel! (Woooooooooo!)
Disclaimer – I own nothing! NOTHING! YOU CAN'T SUE ME! MUWAHAHAHAHA!
Acknowledgements – To Kaze, whose running joke has now manifested into this insult to all things…Sithy… and is a great beta-reader!
YOU ROCK!
Some Star Destroyer in a galaxy far, far away…..
STAR WARS!
INSERT TITLE HERE!
INSERT SIDESCROLL THINGY HERE!
ACROSS THE EMPIRE, DARTH VADER IS KNOWN FOR "DISPOSING" OF HIS ADMIRALS.
WITH THIS "DESPOSING", ANYONE CAN BECOME ADMIRAL! THE JANITOR, THE LUNCHLADY, EVEN THE CRAZY GUY DOWN THE STREET!
I THINK I'M STUCK IN CAPS! OH CRAP! HELP! HELP! somebody hits narrator with mallet Ahem, thank you.
Anyways, the newest admiral, Admiral Whogivesashit, is risking death because he can't complete his difficult, treacherous mission….
Admiral - close up I CAN'T MAKE LORD VADER'S COFFEE! clamps mouth
Zoom out on other people working on battleship
Everybody - stare Oo
Awkward silence
Admiral – What? WHAT! UNLESS YOU HAVE FOLGERS, GET BACK TO WORK!
Everybody – Meep! work
Bob the Optimist (A/N: Scary name huh?) – Cheer up Admiral! Look on the BRIGHT© side, at least you don't work for a fried up megalomaniac who lives in his own emergency room, suit…thingy, with a creepy voice/breathing, glowing sword, and the power to choke people with his mind… Did I mention the creepy voice?
Admiral - pale You're new here, aren't you?
Bob the Optimist - gasp! How did you know?
Admiral – Lucky guess… --;;;
Bob the Optimist – Maybe some music will cheer you up! turns on radio
DUH DUH DUH DUN DA DUN DA DA DUN!
Admiral – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DA DA DA DAH DUN DU…….. insert giant mallet crashing though radio here
Bob the Optimist – Why did you do that?
Admiral – You ninny! Every time Lord Vader makes an appearance, THAT MUSIC PLAYS!
Bob the Optimist – Sir, I'm new…
Admiral - slaps with fish no excuse!
Bob the Optimist – Gee, I like the fishy smell!
Admiral --;;;
Music blares though speakers&
DUH DUH DUH DUM DA DUN DA DA DUM!
Admiral – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO breath OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DA DA DA DA DA DUM DUM DUM DUM!
Admiral - points blaster at speakers
Blaster – Ka put… --;;;
Admiral - Oh Crap! curls in fetal position and sucks thumb
Bob the Optimist – There, there!
Admiral – Bob, the music and weaponry are conspiring against me!
Tries to run out the door, but trips on a…pickle? Hey! Who brings pickles on a spaceship! That's the stup-… knocked out by a…pickle…
Admiral – The pickles are conspiring against me Bob!
Bob the Optimist – Not the pickles!
Admiral – Yes Bob, the pickles!
Doors open and reveals… DARTH VADER! BOW TO HIS SITHY GLORY! BOW! …Did I mention the creepy breathing?
Vader – Do you have my coffee, Admiral?
Admiral - bows head I'm sorry most honorable, noble, wise, just, fair, and downright handsome…
Vader – Aw, you are making me blush!
Admiral – …Lord Vader, but… Johnson drank the last cup… cringe Don't hurt me!
Vader – Johnson, always conspiring against me! Him and his arrogant mug! JOHNSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO breath OOOOOOOOOOOOOON! breath
C-U-T-S-C-E-N-E
A guy in a cubical with a mug that says JOHNSON PWNS U! CAUSE I'M JOHNSON! AND… I RULE! UMM… YA…CAPS R KOOL! BUT NOT AS COOL AS JOHNSON! WHICH IS ME! The guy is talking to a droid.
Coffee Mug – explodes and spills coffee on the droid XX
Droid – XX a-splodes
Random Guy – points at Johnson Hey! You used coffee to a-splode my droid!
Johnson – points at Random Guy Hey! Your a-sploded droid got in my coffee!
E-N-D - C-U-T-S-C-E-N-E
Admiral – Gack! is being force choked
Vader - Force choking (obviously) You failed me Admiral. I don't like failure. I like coffee, and pickles. Ohhhhh… Pickles! But I hate failure… and pudding. DAMN YOU JELLO!
Bob the Optimist – Ummm… my lord, I think he's dead.
Vader – Oh… yes… force drops the body and sees a guy with... COFFEE! grabs coffee AND A STRAW! grabs straw Look at the strawy goodness!
Guy with Coffee – That's…great…sir…?
Vader – Congratulations, coffee man, you are now Admiral Coffee!
Guy w/Coffee (now Admiral Coffee) - looks at his predecessors body being dragged away That's great…just great… starts rocking back and forth
Vader - tries to drink coffee Grrrr… sticks straw in hole using magic…oooooo magic! Oooooooo! Magic! Oooooooooo…. is hit by UFS.. (Unidentified Flying Spork) Ha Ha! I win! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH breath HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS WITH AN UNHOLY BURNYNESS…NESS!
Admiral Coffee – I'm sorry sir! I… gack! XX
Vader – My coffee is supposed to be lukewarm! shakes fist Lukewarm!
Two more people get force choked XX
Vader – Oops…
Annoying Guy – Hey! Admiral Coffee didn't deserve to die! That coffee was for him!
Vader – All ground up coffee beans in water belong to me, old woman!
Annoying Guy – I'm a man!
Vader – Sorry, old man.
Annoying guy – I'm 37! And who died and made you lord of everything that moves?
Vader – Millions of dead Jedi… With the exception of an old dude who pushed me in a lake of lava, and a green elf midget who could kick your butt.
Annoying Guy – Oh, so you're saying if I killed off a bunch of pansy psychics, than I could become a tyrant?
Vader – Noooo…
Annoying Guy – Then, what?
Vader - heavenly music plays The most grand Emperor Palpatine gave me the grandest rank of Sith, and I in the grandest way… butchered off the Jedi scum. heavenly music stops abruptly And that's why I'm the lord of everything that moves. (but Palpatine is higher)
Annoying Guy – Look, supreme executive power comes from a mandate of the people! Not some old guy in a robe who added "Darth" to you name and told you to go butcher little kids in a temple.
Vader – Stop that!
Annoying Guy – Just because some higher up official slapped on some lame title on you and said to take an army to maul wackos in robes with a laser sword, then gave you leadership isn't grounds for a comprehensive political judgment!
Vader – Shut up!
People start slowly move away
Annoying Guy – I mean, if I claimed to be king just because the big ruler told me I was now the supreme evil overlord, and then ordered me to behead the stereotypical good guys with my glowing scimitar, people would throw me in the mad…gack!
Vader - force choking annoying guy I don't like your type of British humor… It is confusing and uses big words.
Annoying Guy - while being choked Ahh… Now we see the violence in the system! HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED! I'M BEING REP….gack! XX
Vader - drops dead guy Let me guess, his name was Dennis?
Bob the Optimist – How did you know?
Vader – Lucky guess.
Bob the Optimist – Well, I took the liberty to get you Iced Coffee!
Vader – Iced…Coffee?
Bob the Optimist – Yep! It's Dunkin Donuts!
Vader – Oh yes! The donuty goodness! puts straw in magic hole oooh mag mouth is duck taped I ENJOY THE ICED GOODNESS! slaps Bob on back Congratulations Bob the Optimist…
Random Guy - crossing fingers Please let him be Admiral! Please let him be Admiral! Please…
Vader - I'm promoting you to Adim…
Random Guy – YES!
Vader - …No, my Personal Assistant!
Bob the Optimist – Really?
Random Guy – WHAT!
Vader – Yep! They last longer!
Bob the Optimist – Cool
Vader – Who's next in line for Admiral?
Everyone points to Random Guy
Vader – Then you're Admiral!
Random Guy – Aw, fizzle snaps! Gack! XX
Vader - force chokes him No one swears on my ship!
Random Girl - poking Random Guy( But… Fizzle snaps isn't a…gack! XX
Vader – force choked her, didn't you know that? It is a swear in…
Bob the Optimist – Ewok?
Vader – Yes! Very good Bob!
Random Guy2 - whispering to Random Guy3 That Bob, he's such a suck up! mocking Vader…(That's not a very smart thing is it?) Good job gack! XX
Vader - force…chokingyou know I hate people mocking me! And public bathrooms!
Random Guy3 - shaking Random Guy2 Dude, WHO'S GACK? WHO'S… gack! XX
Vader – do I really have to say it? No yelling on my ship…and no chocolate! I hate chocolate so much!
Guy Eating Chocolate – Oh crap… Gack! XX
Twi'lek Pizza Guy- Um… stepping over bodies Who ordered pizza?
Vader – Oh Oh! Me Me! grabs pizza
Twi'lek Pizza Guy – That's 23 credits-…gack! XX
Vader – come on! You have to idiot not to know what he's doing You put mushrooms on my pizza! I hate mushrooms so much! And… umm… fuzzy animals…ya...
Random Girl2 - holding puppy Look what I found!
Everybody but Vader/Random Girl2/Bob the Optimist – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOObreathOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Vader/ Bob the Optimist – Puppy!
Random Girl2 - looks around what? Gack! XX
Vader - gezz, you figure it out Puppy! brings the black lab puppy to himself using the force, finally! A change!
Bob the Optimist – What was that one for?
Vader – Because she had my Darth Squishy!
Darth Squishy – thinking What?>
Vader - holding Darth Squishy For I shall call him Darth Squishy, and he will be my Darth Squishy!
Darth Squishy - Oh God!>
Bob the Optimist – Oh good, everyone's happy! takes broom and sweeps out the bodies while singing, Cleaning out the infidels! OHHHH! Cleaning out the infidels! OHHHH!
Vader – That's it! Sing while cleaning up the evidence! to the rest Now everybody, let's dance!
Darth Squishy - Oh God> --;;;
Disco music blares and disco dance floor comes up
Bob the Optimist - \/
Vader - making Darth Squishy dance SHAKE YOUR BOOTY! SHAKE YOU BOOTY, YA YA! SHOW THEM HOW TO DO IT NOW!
Darth Squishy - I did something bad in a past life… I must have killed a Jedi or a senator, or something…> --;;;
Random Guy4 - dancing badly and talking to Random Guy5 Why are we doing this?
Random Guy5 – dancing Don't…Talk…Just…Dance…Dance…BECAUSE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
Vader – Show them how to do it now!
Darth Squishy - I'm in hell! I know it!>
And that ends my stupid little one-shot. Remember, flames encourage me, and if you review nicely, I review back!
I finished this at 12:41! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo! -- - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tragic Muse
Because it's not stealing! It's recycling!