Fanfic by blueroseulan
June 30, 2004
Summary::ONESHOT SONGFIC: Kenshin has finally decided to leave Kaoru and face his past alone. But could he do it? Could he really leave the woman he had loved with more than life itself?
Disclaimers: The Song "Here Tonight" doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Hale. I repeat. It. Does. Not. Belong. To. Me. Yah hear! Also KnK… they belong to Watsuki Sama… okay? Please don't sue a poor writer like me! Please review! Please!
AN: This fic happens after Enishi's Jinchuu. May I remind you that this is purely fictional and does not happen in the manga, anime or OVA. I just thought of this okay?
Here Tonight
The house was dark, its corners quiet and yet, her room still carried its light, a warm and somewhat welcoming glow emanating from it.
In the dim shadow of the porch sat a figure, its form bent and hunched. Ebon eyebrow knitted together in a twisted frown, his hands were wrung together, a silent acknowledgement of the heavy dilemma his mind was imposing.
I have to leave…
So long to you my love…
Don't be afraid to runaway…
His past was catching up on him. Sooner or later, she was bound to get hurt. And hurting her was on the bottom of his list. Shishio was enough. Enishi was enough. Enough is enough.
If I continue staying with her… I am endangering her life… She might die… and I would not be able to stand her death…
The shadows seem to dance, mocking him with the cruel irony of his fate. He loved her. She loved him and yet… things weren't as easy as it seems. It never has and never will it be… Heavy as it conceded upon his heart, he knew sacrificing his happiness would be better than having her sacrifice her own life.
It's for the best…
I know you'll be okay…
Just take your time…to find your way
She would be sad. He knew that. Memories of Kyoto and fireflies were mere reminders on how deeply she would be affected. And yet, painful as it was this time, he had to leave, not because he was following an order straight from the government but instead, upon following his mind. What he thought was right.
It was his mind that he was following, not his heart.
Following his heart seemed far too selfish.
They would protect her…
Sanosuke, the man he thought of as his younger brother. Raw and naïve still in his ideas. Though the man might appear too uncouth for his own good, no doubt he would be able to protect his Kaoru from any danger that might be as likely as to befall her.
Wait a minute, his Kaoru? His?
Nevermind… There are more important matters to be settled than my calling Kaoru-dono as mine.
Yahiko, the juvenile teen that Kaoru had mothered all these years. Many a time he had watched the kid fight and there was no doubt that he would become one of the strongest men in Japan after he had grown. He might have badgered and irked Kaoru in all his name callings, but in his heart, Kenshin knew the boy would be capable in protecting her. Even so at the beck of his own life.
She will be okay… I know… with all the people surrounding her… She will be okay…
But I need you here tonight…
I need you here inside…
A shaking hand crept up to nervously knock at her shouji. His mind, unwilling as it was, did not seem to cooperate with his body, thus bringing him in front of her room. A few more knocks and the door opened, revealing her face that seemed to glow with the candle light.
"Kenshin? It's late… why are you still awake?" She asked, a slight frown blossoming on her lips.
I just wanted to be with you… for the last time… But instead of voicing out his thoughts, a soft smile traced his lips as he answered her query. "I couldn't sleep and I found your light still on. Would you mind spending time with me?" he asked, trying hard not to make his voice shake.
A graceful smile lit her lips and her eyes seemed to dance with the gentle flickers of her lamp. Fully opening her door, she beckoned for him to go inside even as her mind was still confused with such straight forwarded ness of his behavior.
Trying hard to control his emotions, much lest his movement, he stood in front of her and watched as she held her breath.
"Kenshin…" she breathed.
And in response, he closed their distance and wrapped his arms around her slim form.
I need you here tonight…
"Just stay with me… please…" he whispered, relishing the feel of her arms that had tentatively wrapped around him.
"Kenshin…" She was confused, scared and at the same time romanticized, the undeniable pounding in her heart still hard on her chest. Rarely… very rarely did she get to see his tender side… this one he was showing her now… In fact, she had never been this close with him except the time he was to leave for Kyoto. I won't complain…she thought silently, closing her eyes and placing her chin upon the rigid set of his shoulders. He has never held me like this before… and I'm not about to start complaining… I've waited for so long for this…
"Kaoru…" The emotions were strong, slamming hard on his chest. The knowledge that tonight would be his last night with her was far too overwhelming. Clenching his fist, he tried to will the bading tears not to fall. It would be better if I don't tell her anything… that way I could leave without her knowing it… for now…
For now it would be best if he simply threw caution to the wind, express how he felt for her and show her how much he truly loved her. Yes, that would be the right thing to do for now.
Or is it?
I really really need you here…
Tonight…
Sigh. It was all she could do when she felt his lips press upon hers. So long… I've waited for this for so long…Coaxing, he taught her tongue how to meld with hers, heart soaring upon the implication that he was just her first kiss. Catching on with him, she wrapped her arms around him, caging his neck and tried hard not to whimper with the feel of his arms roaming behind the small of her back.
"Sleep with me tonight…" he murmured, catching her off guard. Releasing him in a sudden manner, she couldn't help but gasp aloud, her disbelief showing with his unexpected change of behavior.
"But we're not married…" she whispered in reply, only to feel him press his lips once again against hers in a fervent motion.
"Let's not think about them… Let's not think about the world, or what the others might say… Please…" Righteous he was not, but desperate he was. If this is the last night… our last night together… then to hell I care with all of them… It's up to her now. He trembled as he waited for her answer, knowing that if she would deny, he would turn at his heels and head back to his room with a heavy heart.
Should I? Can I? Inwardly, she was debating with herself. As much as she thought of the disgrace and the shock of others, she also knew that this would probably the first and last time Kenshin would be likely to suggest this notion. But doubt was weighing on her heart and she couldn't help but ask,
"Is this lust or love?"
An ebon eyebrow rose, coupled with the understanding that settled on his mind. Indeed, it was his first time to be this intimate with her and asking her to do something that only married couples were allowed to do was something not just humiliating but certainly disgraceful.
But her questions and doubts were unfounded.
Instead of answering her question, he descended his lips on hers, trying, wanting to convey all what he wanted to say, all his pent up emotions with just a single kiss. As much as he wanted to tell her that he was doing this because this would probably be the last time he would be seeing her, all he could do was cling on to her form and drink from her lips.
His hands were gentle on her skin. Calloused as it was, it seemed to her that he was treating her like some sort of a fragile glass that would will to break at any moment. Her heart was hammering like crazy on her chest when she felt him delve inside the interwoven fibers of her yukata. Eyelids fluttering close, all she could do was whimper when calloused fingers met the tender feel of her skin.
Gently, he eased her form on the futon.
Shedding his clothes, he lay atop her, careful not to put as much as gentile pressure on her. Lifting a finger to caress her cheek, he willed his temperamental desire to stay close at bay for he wanted to go slow this evening, to relish every touch, to record every moan and to replay every feel of her body against his in his mind. Shuddering as she gently pressed her lips atop each pad of his digits; it was all that he could do to stop himself from having her there and then.
Skin against skin.
It was her first. He could tell it with the way she reacted with his touch, the way tears sprang on her eyes the first time he slid inside her. He almost felt regretful for having to hurt her and yet, he also knew the cravings her body desired. Pain eventually transported to pleasure and soon, both of them were building a turmescence of passion, and the desperate need for release.
Collapsing beside her when the raging storm had ceased, it took him a couple of moments before he could collect himself again. The raw passion was now fading, buffered with relieved pleasure that always accompanied sex. Ragged pants still escaped her breath even as he spooned her to his side, wrapping her in a protective embrace.
Watching as she sighed with contentment and her eyelids fluttered close, he continued to gaze at her angelic face, memorizing every line, every detail and imprinting her visage on his memory. The way the silver strands of the moon touched her face, the way her inky locks melded with the fiery mane of his, the way her lips softly trembled upon the gentle wave of sleep… everything… he would remember everything…
Made up my mind on this…
It's too late for me to hold you back…
It was still dark when he rose, careful not to rouse her from the gentle cradles of sleep. Kneeling beside her, a trembling hand crept to gingerly caress the smoothness of her cheek. A stray tear escaped amethyst orbs, followed by another and then another and soon, he was sobbing quietly, trembling with the waves of grief and remorse that was crashing upon him.
And then she moved.
Quickly withdrawing his hand, he stood up, terrified with the thought of finding her awake. Moving silently as socked feet whispered on the floor, he left her room with a heavy heart.
Grabbing his sakabatou that rested on his room, he gathered what few were left on his belongings and shut the door with a snap. Making his way towards the gate, he willed himself not to look back, for knowing that if he did, he would just return, retrace his steps and go back to her.
No… that would not be right… returning back will only mean endangering her life… I cannot afford that… I have thought of this matter… and my decision is final.
His words were decisive and yet, why was it that even with these utterances, he still could not lift the heavy stone that was imposed on his heart?
Maybe too short…I won't
To cry for you but I will anyway…
He was already far…. Far from them….far from her. The moment he stepped in the green foliage of the hidden forest, he collapsed on his feet, his sobs giving away. The gentle cascades of wet films upon his cheek were unstopping. The emotions he had so desperately tried to hide from her had reinforced back in his chest. Though he knew she was, by now, so faraway from him, it was, at the same time a good thing, for if such distance had not been pressed between the two of them; he might have found himself running back towards the gentle cradles of her arms.
I never really wanted to hurt the two of us… and my mind tells me that what I did would do her good and yet, why is it that I'm still here…crying? Why is it that this doesn't feel right?
Cause I need you here tonight…
I need you here inside…
I really really need you here…
Tonight…
The first night was purely torture for him. He was nestled between the thick foliage of the trees, shivering with the biting cold of the wind. Sleep had expectedly evaded him and her face haunted his memory. Her touch, her face, and the way she felt from underneath his arms… And yet, all he could do was close his eyes and replay her vision in the bleakness of his mind. Oblivion was fast clouding his senses, with only her face shrouding the blackness. There was nothing he could do, whether he closed his eyes or stared at the star lit canopy above, everything reminded him of her.
The wind was cold and he huddled closer to himself, wishing that she would be the one to warm him in such cold a night. Her embraces were filled with warmth, enveloping him with a gentle kind of satisfaction and assurance that nothing would go wrong.
Now, all he could do was shiver in the wind.
Kaoru… can't you see? I need you here tonight… I really really need you here tonight…
Maybe leaving you is really not the answer…
It's all my fault to feel this way…
For you that day…
It was his fault anyway. Had he not left her, then he wouldn't be suffering like this. Bitterness stung his heart. Irony mocked his mind. Close as he was to the realization that his absence would just have dealt her with pain and not his guaranteed safety, he could still not return…it was his fault… it was his choice… he had said he had made up his mind… therefore he should deal with the consequences. The day he left her was the day he sealed their fate as doomed lovers. There was no one to place the blame now. No one except himself.
I know what's wrong…
Know this is wrong… so wrong…
So wrong…
"KAORU!"
In a flash, he woke up in a start, beads glistening on his forehead and breath coming out in short rapid pants. The dream… it felt so real... so real… he had dreamt of that time again, when he saw her gruesome death in front of his eyes. No… I won't have that again… I won't let that happen again… never… NEVER! NEVER!
Amethyst eyes widening in insight, there and then did a sudden realization hit him.
This is wrong… So wrong… I don't belong here or to anywhere else… I belong to Kaoru in the Kamiya dojo… in Tokyo… I have to return… I don't care what they will think of me… I have to go back… I need to go back!
Cause I need you here tonight…
I need you here inside…
Kaoru… WAIT for me!
Swift rapid steps barely touching the ground, he flew to his heels, her memory seeming as his inspiration as he fled back towards the path he had just encountered. He was running out of desperation. He was running out of his need to see her once again. He was running because he wanted not to prolong the probable pain she was feeling. He was running because he felt exhilarated and at the same time angered with himself with the stupidity and foolishness he was such an idiot to conjure. Leaving her was not the key, how come I've been so stupid as to leave her alone? Oh Kami… I hope I find her safe and unharmed…
I need you here tonight…
I really really need you here…
It was twilight when he reached the Kamiya compounds. Gentle colors of lavender and orange bathed the Tokyo skies with a gentle melancholic light. Approaching the gate with measured steps, he could hear the rough scrapings of a broom echoing inside the yard. Nervously, he entered the gate with held breath as he prayed that she might acknowledge his presence.
"Tadaima…" he called.
He received no answer, merely the sound of the broom falling down to hit the ground.
He's here… Frozen as she was with the sudden appearance of the man she had thought of as dead, unconscious tears had started to brim on her eyes. He's here… how many days has it passed? How many years? Hours? Weeks? Time had been uncalculated since he left… she lost track of everything when he suddenly left and now… just as sudden as his abrupt departure was his sudden return?
Her reaction was uncalled for. She remained unmoving and still. Her ki had exploded from dull and calm to somewhat bright and confused, like a candle that had sparkled back to life and yet somehow still sputtered against a strong wind.
Am I unwanted here? Am I? Should I go? Deciding that his presence was unwanted, with a constricted throat he turned back to his heels fully intending to leave when:
"Wait…"
I need you…
"I said wait…" she murmured, slowly walking towards his direction. Stopping when she was facing him, she did the unexpected—
She slapped him with all the force she could muster—and collapsed back in his arms, shaking and sobbing with uncontrolled relief.
I need you…
Shuddering with relief and happiness when he felt her back in his embrace, it was all he could do to prevent him from crying himself. Incoherent words such as 'why' where escaping her lips, her hands balled into fists as she rammed it against his well built chest. From first look she would have appeared angry…. But upon a double take, there was a look of relief… a great abundance of it showing in her sapphire orbs. Finally, when her strength had deserted her, she fell in his sturdy arms, content in just sobbing with the muffled form of his gi.
"I'm sorry… so sorry for hurting you…I promise… I wont ever leave you again…" it was all he could murmur to pacify her. Nodding, she gazed at him with a tear stained face, eyes red rimmed with crying.
"It's okay… I don't care why you left… all that matters is that you're here now with me… with your promise never to leave my side again… that's all that matters to me Kenshin that is all..."
Her words were a gentle caress to a weary heart as his. "You are right Kaoru-love… I can't stand to be away from you… I need you here with me… beside me… guiding me with my every step… I need you Kaoru… I really really do…"
"Stay with me…" she coaxed, pressing a kiss on his lips.
"I will… koi… I will… itsumo ii desu you… itsumo…"
I need you here…
Tonight…
OWARI
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JA!
bluerose