Part 2: Guilt

But know that I don't hate you,
And I know I never will.
Because I cared about you then,
And I care about you still.

Well, was it my fault? I can't help but feeling it is. You had kept your hair for the sake of keeping a friend, and lost your life for the self-same reason. I know well who the friend was that you were refering to.

It was me.

What would be the point in denying it? I knew it, from the time you had told me you had kept your long hair for the sole reason of that one friend. I knew it was me, because as Youko, you were a theif of my calibur, and far beyond, I was drawn to your ability, and to your grace. To your hair. Don't ask why, but I admired your hair.

You knew it.

That's why you refused to lose it.

Ideally, that would mean that I had driven you to your death.

So, it really was my fault, wasn't it?

I have no tangible reason to be angry at you for dieing so willingly then.

Even if I had reason to hate you, I wouldn't.

I couldn't hate you.

Not as my rival in the Makai, not as my fighting partner in the Ningenkai. Least of all, not as my friend, whom I held in highest regards.

I couldn't hate you alive.

And I have no reason to hate you now.

Only one person warrents the hatred I feel so strongly now. Myself.

Becasue I should have done something. I could've done something, but... I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. But, you were killing yourself for my sake, refusing the cure for your vain idea of what you considered my relationship with you to be solely for.

I could have assured you that even if your hair fell out I would be your friend. I could have told you that no matter what form life may have forced you to assume, what your appearance was, I would have been your friend. My opinion of you would never have wavered in the slightest bit.

Like I said, I could have told you.

Should have told you...

But I didn't, pride is an evil thing, isn't it?

"You have a lot of people questioning your sanity, you know that, right, Kurama?" I'm at your window, it's become a ritual.

"Let them question it, I know I'm sane, that's all that matters."

"I'm not so sure that you are..."

"Do tell."

"Sacrificing your life for such a reason as to keep the hair you were admired for as a Youko... Humanity seems to have robbed you of your sense."

"Perhaps."

"You're not Youko anymore, you know."

"No, you're right, I'm not."

"So why keep something to keep yourself tied to that identity?"

"Because, my hair is what warrents me a dear friend."

"A vain friend is worse than any enemy."

"What are you implying?"

Silence steals in on us.

"Nothing."

"I see..."

I leave.

My pride was always the issue... always the thing stopping me. It stopped me from telling you, stopped me from saving you.

Why must pride do this? I lost Yukina to pride, lost you to pride. How many more would befall the same fate? I don't wish to ponder that, though, seemingly, the number couldn't be many more... for Yukina, and yourself were the only beings I was keeping anything from.

Even though you hurt me,
I can't seem to let you go.
But I will go on without you,
And I want to make sure you know.

It really doesn't seem right for it to be this way. For it to have come to this end.

The undeniable end.

The end, where our paths divide indefinately.

But it's not fair.

Why should I still be here? Not when I caused this.

Why is it that I may breath freely, when every new breath I take, is one you shall never have?

What gives me the right to continue existing when you sold your very life short just for my sake?

I don't have the right.

No right to be here.

Not when you are gone because of my very existance, my very being.

But I don't have to right to die either.

My death would besmirch your departing.

You died honorably, with noble intention, and good will.

I would be dieing to ease my guilt.

I would die simply for being selfish.

It's not right that I remain alive, and I have no right to die.

You've truly left me in a predicament.

Pride always turns on me in the end, always has, I suspect it always will.

So, I suppose your laughing in your grave now, at me.

At my situation.

Because I'm to blame for all of it.

And I alone screwed myself over.