Part 3: Understanding

It will take time to mend,
The damage that you've done.
Broken hearts do heal,
That's where strength comes from.

I suppose I screwed us both over. You for costing you your very life, and merely because I was too proud to come to grips with myself, and myself, well, because now I have no right to be neither dead, nor alive.

Well, sadly it's a lesson well learned.

Self-intrest should never drown out the words our hearts need to speak in times of struggle. Especially when time is of the escence.

But don't worry. Thing is, I'll have to stick around, I haven't given myself any other alternative, really. So don't worry about me. You shouldn't have from the very beginning, and only now can I say it.

Too little, too late.

A glint catches my eye and I look up at the night sky, the navy darkening as the night forges forever onwards. I see a star, shining brightly and watch it, wondering if that lone star had been the glint I had seen. It seems to shine brighter than the rest.

"Hiei, what do you believe the stars are?"

"Hn. Why should I care? And since when do you pay mind to such trivial things?"

"Even as Youko I loved nature. The stars were no exception."

"You're no longer Youko."

"Does it really matter whether I am, or not?"

"Hn."

You chuckled.

"Well, what do you see when you watch them?"

"I don't star gaze."

"Well, I believe they are souls."

"Souls?"

"Yes. The souls of everyone--everything--gone from this realm of time."

"Souls of the dead? Hasn't your experience in the Reikai taught you anything?"

"Has it?"

"You know well that those can't be souls. Souls are assessed by Enma and sent on to god knows where."

"You're saying they can't be stars then?"

"You catch on quick."

"And you are far too narrow minded."

"I'm not narrow minded."

"Then what do you call it?"

"I just know the reality of it. There isn't room in life for such pretty little ideals such as yours."

"And there isn't a need for the fatalisticness you display regularly."

"Just as well. There's no reason for most of what people do."

"I suppose."

"Just as there isn't a tangible reason for me to be wasting my time here."

I turn to leave.

"Hiei..."

I stop.

"What?"

"Don't..."

"Don't what?"

"Would you turn your back so easily on a comrade?"

"And if I did?"

Stars. It's funny, I'd never really given them a second thought. I knew they were there, and always had been. I didn't really ever care to find out what they were made of, never really cared they were even there, for that matter.

It's just one of those things you expect to be there naturally.

Kind of like you.

Except, they're not like you.

I don't really know what it is, but since your death, I've given much more thought to such trivial little things. Maybe to prove you wrong for once, maybe to figure out why you think of something the way you do. I don't know why. But I do.

Especially the stars. Maybe to prove you wrong--more likely to reason out why.

"Hiei, would you turn your back on me?" you asked quietly.

"Why would you care if I did? Youko never cared." I retorted indifferently.

"I'm no longer Youko, Hiei."

"I know that."

"Then why won't you accept it?"

"Accept? What's there to accept?" I asked annoyed.

"That I'm not the same being I was when we first met."

"Because you're living a lie. Your humanity will prove fatal some day."

"People change, Hiei. Circumstances change."

"Only if you let them. You've become weak. You're nothing like Youko, your not like the person I came to know back then."

"I'm not that same person you met back then."

"You admit it."

"But, that means nothing. It has no significance to anything."

"It does. It changes everything. I don't know the person you've become." I stated coldly.

"So get to know the person I've become!" you retorted angrilly, your tone adopting a hint of pain.

I take a step to the window.

"Admit it, Hiei! You care nothing for me--not for the human me--only Youko!"

"What's it matter!"

"It matters a lot, Hiei!"

"Nothing matters."

"Everyting matters Hiei. You matter, I matter."

"Wasted words."

"You're only afraid, Hiei."

Maybe you were right. Maybe I was afraid. Maybe I was afraid for no reason, maybe I had reason. But what did it matter? In the long run, it seemed, it didn't afterall, and never had.

"Don't be foolish, what would I be afraid of?"

"Can you really be so blind?"

"What would I be afriad of!"

"Your feelings, Hiei! You trusted Youko, because you and he were one in the same. But now Youko's gone, replaced by me, a human, the very beings you despise with a passion. Yet, you have feelings for me. Feelings of trust, camaraderie, friendship, and you can't bring yourself to accept it. You're afriad that just because I've become a human I'll turn into one of them and hurt you."

"Don't kid yourself."

"Don't lie to yourself."

"I'm not lieing, you're simply being stupid."

"Maybe it is stupid... but it's the truth, and you know it." you whispered.

"It's not the truth, the truth is simply I can't stand you." I retorted sharply.

You stay silent.

"That's not true..."

I stay silent.

"Stop lieing to yourself..."

I turn.

"Think as you please, I'm through here."

I leave.

You had been right about all of it. I know it, I admit it. But, why didn't you persist? You could've pressed the matter. You could've forced me to see how blind I was being. You could've changed all of it.

Wait... you could have changed all of it if you had wanted to...

All of it.

You had willingly gone through this. Without regrets, without second thought. Maybe this wasn't my fault afterall.

Besides, throughout all of this, you could've changed your mind. The fact that you didn't, that was soley a decision that lay in your hands, it was no one elses call to make. So this was your choice. It always had been, and always would have been I'm almost certain. Nothing I could've done would've changed your mind, and I finally realize that.

Maybe this wasn't my fault.

For now, my tears may be falling,
And my thoughts keep circling to you.
But soon, things will get better,
If you have hope, they always do.

I watch the stars, my eyes lingering on the overly bright one in particular. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the stars are the souls of our dearly departed. I can't help but think so now, as I sit staring at one idle little star shining down on me. Something tells me that that one is you.

And suddenly I realize, you had been right all along, about everyting. And then I realize, though you are gone, you haven't left me. I'm not alone, you're right at my side, just as you always have been. As you always would be.

I've come back the next night to see you. But you don't speak.

"Kurama, you were right."

Silence.

"Maybe I was afraid. Afraid to come to grips with the fact that you're not the same person."

Still nothing.

"But, the fact remains, you're different. I have to live with that. And I haven't been."

"Really, who would've thought it?"

"Ever the witt, just like Youko."

"Perhaps."

"Yes. But still, you're not Youko. You're Kurama, Shuichi."

"There's no need to tell me who I am."

"I'm aware. But I need you to tell me who you are."

"You answered your own question a moment ago."

"You are Shuichi. I know you'll never be Youko again."

"You're right. Youko is my past, he always will be, and I would do well to remember that. But Shuichi is my future, and you'd do well to remember that as well."

"I know that. I know you were right. You're not the same, but you're not all that different."

"In hindsights, I'd say you're right."

"I was only afriad to accept that fact."

I was afriad. But, not any longer. Because I know there's no good in it. You aren't gone, you're just away. And I'm not alone, just flying solo for the time being. But that was really all. We were seperated, but not left alone.

I glance fleetigly back to the star.

You're right there, watching over me.

As always.

Author's Ramblings:

I revised this a bit. The story in it's self was inspired by the eulogy that I wrote for a friend when her grandfather died of cancer earlier this year, and I suppose for the grandfather I myself lost. I wanted to write this piece to show how the survivors of cancer deal with it, because, really it's not your fault. That's all I wanted to point out with this piece. Hope you enjoyed feel free to leave a comment behind.