The lights were blinding. It was well into the day before either stirred. The nurses had been told to leave them be. So they lay there in sterile peace. Nothing could touch them now. The monitors continued to beep out a sad rhythm telling Spike what he already knew; Xander was barely alive. There was no way to tell if he'd ever wake up. As Spike began to wake he held onto Xander but made himself more comfortable. He looked down for an instant at the tear stained sheets and prayed to whatever God would listen to his prayers that Xander would just wake up.
"Been thinking a lot lately. You an me, we got something they'll never understand. I saw the life you 'ad. No life that. You 'id yourself so well. I couldn't ever- I don't know what to say. Gods Xan, pet, wake up. The Slayer needs you. Watcher needs you. Bit and the Witches, they'd be lost with out you." Spike wanted desperately to say how much he too needed the boy but the words wouldn't come. Spike didn't hear the others as they came and went throughout the day. He paid no attention to Buffy's screams and her curses that this was somehow Spike's fault. He would never have even felt the stake she threatened to send deep into his chest cavity. Spike only saw his broken boy's chest rise and fall with the machine that pumped precious oxygen into his tired lungs.
Inside that weakened frame another battle raged. It was worse than any fight he'd ever fought and this time he was alone. I can't breathe. Oh god. I'm sorry. I don't know. Alone. Abandoned. I, I didn't mean.I'm choking on, tears? What the hell? These are tears. Who's crying? Who's there? Anyone? Someone? Please don't leave me!
The swirls of black, blue and green surrounded him like a suffocating blanket of night. He couldn't swim through the thick liquid like air to reach the top but he knew it was there. A tinny sound kept pouring down on him like dry rain. Voices so distant they couldn't be made clear called to him. He felt the little bit of warmth leave his side and new tears joined old. Xander was drowning in tears but they wouldn't let him die. Then it grew thicker, more solid. There was no swimming now only clawing. No words could describe the terror he felt. Then other voices hit him. These were closer, inside.
"Never gonna amount to anything." "Worthless piece of shit!" "Ruined our lives." "Why don't you go make yourself useful?" "I hate you and that Bitch you call a mother!" Xander suddenly felt every blow he'd ever received. Not just the demony ones but the human ones. For some reason those hurt the most. Xander screamed but no one could hear him. Too far away. The tinny noise returned. Dry rain beating on the tender flesh of a broken spirit. Xander continued to claw and pray that he could reach the surface before the solid tears suffocated him.