Disclaimers with chapter one. Sorry the chapters are so short.
So much
hate inside me. I know it's there. I want it gone just like
everyone else but I can't let it go. It's the only thing I've
felt for so long. I hated them all. A part of me hates Buffy and
Giles for opening the world up to me. I could have loved Jesse. But
it's too late. Oh God, I sent two men to Hell that I could have
loved. I won't do that again damnit. There's so much hate here,
so much pain. I'm sorry Jesse for hurting you. I'm sorry Ahn. I'm
sorry Dad, for never being the son you wanted me to be. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. The final
walls crashed down around him and Xander did not have to claw to the
surface anymore. He just crawled out of a hazy dream – Alice
returning from the Rabbit hole. Eyes clutched tightly, Xander was
aware of very little. There was a weight on him that Xander was
becoming increasingly aware of. It was the constant weight that had
been there from the beginning. The weight spoke to him each day and
held him and poured moist tears upon his too dry flesh. And it did so
still. Xander's heart broke for the one holding him so tightly. It
had a name but Xander could not bring himself to whisper it yet, even
in his mind's cavernous wells of thought. Hold
on. I'm sorry. Oh god, I promise I'll make it better this time. I
don't know how but I will, just please don't cry.
"Shh. Spike. It'll be ok. He's gonna wake up. I promise baby. He'll be ok." Angel held his childe's shoulders trying to soothe the younger vampire any way he could. Rubbing small circles on Spike's back, Angel whispered a soft – "Shh…"
iSpike. Oh God. Spike. I'm here. I'm sorry. Please. Please don't cryXander's hand squeezed Spike's. He held it as tight as he could. He choked on the ventilator desperately trying to rip it out on his own. He eyes flew open. Spike's tears stopped. An overwhelming silence filled the room.
Blink. Blink. Blink. Xander's awake. Thank the Powers! Spike didn't think, just acted. He flew to Xander's face and lavished what parts of his flesh were unobstructed by machines with kisses. His boy was awake. Nothing else mattered to him then and nothing could stop Spike from showing him that either.