Canine Unit
By IMBSA
IMBSA: After leafing through the AKC book and looking at the website in search of a dog that would be suitable for our family's lifestyle, a thought occurred that helped to formulate the plot. Certain breeds were chosen due to temperament. Others were chosen solely on appearance. Still others were selected for pure humor. The colorings mentioned are improbable, but imaginative. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: You can say anything foolish to a dog and he will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would have thought of that!"
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"Aw! C'mon, Colonel! That was the third one you missed!" Maes Hughes shouted at the dark haired alchemist, who found himself face first in the dirt.
"Sweet shot, Lt. Hawkeye!" Havoc yelled from the other side of the net.
Riza and Havoc rejoiced with a high five and stood ready for the next serve.
Roy signaled for a time-out, ball underneath his arm, as he walked towards the cooler for a drink. It was a very hot summer's day. Volleyball wasn't his favorite game, but it was what most of the men wanted to play. He opened up a can of beer and took a swig. Fury was sitting under a tree with Black Hayate.
"Time out's over, Mustang…..We got a game going on!" Edward Elric hollered.
"This ain't his best game," Breda announced to Ed.
"Of course it isn't, how many horses have you seen on a volleyball court?"
"Pipe down, little red riding hood!" Roy shouted back from the sidelines leaving Ed, to simmer trying to conjure up a good comeback. "Fury, take my place!" he half-commanded., throwing the man the ball. Fury caught it awkwardly, and jumped up to join the game.
Roy placed his beer on the ground, and while still bent over, wiped his sweaty face with the front of his T-shirt. He stood up by the cooler watching Black Hayate play with a chew toy.
All he remembered was a gradual fading into darkness. Roy opened his eyes slowly as the sun's unforgiving rays almost blinded him. He turned over on his stomach. Green grass stretched seemingly endlessly before him. Then he caught sight of four dogs frolicking around the field and the volleyball net. Strange. Don't we have leash laws? Why are these dogs even here? I don't remember seeing them. Roy decided he had to get up and find everyone. Funny, his point of view didn't seem to change very much. He felt like he was still too close to the ground. That's okay. Under this hot sun it's prudent to slowly get up so I won't faint…I mean, pass out again. He was sure he was on his hands and knees. But oddly enough when he actually rose, the view did not change at all. He was on his feet and he still felt too close to the ground for his six foot stature. Weird. It must be an after effect of heat exhaustion. After all he had never experienced that condition before. He looked down at the ground quite expecting to see his sandaled toes when instead he saw black furry paws. Paws? What the-? Things were strangely different. He sat on the grass and decided to cool himself off under a tree Boy, if I thought I was overheating in my shorts, this freaking fur coat will be the death of me. It's so hot. He began to breathe laboriously as if he had run a marathon. Soon he felt his tongue sticking out over the side of his now open mouth. He was panting. It seemed to relieve his overheating body. It's okay Roy. Calm down. He told himself. Accepting the fact that he was now a canine—quite literally a dog of the military. He concluded that the other pooches he saw on the field must be his—men.
"Roy!" a familiar female voice rang out from behind the bushes. Somehow hearing this voice made him want to lick the saliva that was falling from his chin. He turned. It called out again frantically. Following the sound and scent of a very recognizable voice and perfume, Roy made his way to the source. As he rounded the edge of the greenery, he heard a small yelp. Before him, crouched low to the ground, was a strangely yellow-haired Doberman Pinscher. Had she a tail, it would have been stuck between her legs. There was stunned silence. "Roy?"
"Riza?" He asked at the same time.
"What happened?" Her voice was strangely hysterical. "What—don't come any closer." She warned, shuffling backwards as best she could against the thicket. "I'm not wearing my clothes. I don't know what happened to them."
"I'm not either," he answered, trying to reassure her. Unfortunately, his words seemed to have the opposite effect. It made her scrambling get a bit more frantic.
"Oh, don't say that!" She shuddered at the implications.
"Sorry. Just, calm down."
"I can't go out there, I don't have any clothes on!"
"Riza, just look closely. We have fur coats."
Riza looked at him as a child would its parent after coming to a realization that they had been explaining. "Fur…cover—"
"Yes."
"Oh." She replied a little more relieved.
This conversation was interrupted when they heard a voice exclaim, "This is bullshit!" The two looked around confusedly, unable to find the cause of the noise. The voice said, as though through gritted teeth, "Down. Here." Roy and Riza looked down to find a blond dachshund glaring up at them through gold eyes. It was small as dachshunds went and Roy almost couldn't think who it was. Then it hit him.
"Ed!" He yelled, almost gleefully.
"Who else would be a dachshund?" The dog with lesser height growled back before beginning to waddle off, muttering, "I can't believe I'm a dachshund, and a miniature one at tha—" He suddenly paused. "ARGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I CALLED MYSELF MINIATURE!" If Ed could've, Roy knew he would've been tearing out his hair. The irate dachshund waddled away.
They were startled when a black-coated Norfolk Terrier jumped between them, seemingly out of nowhere. He had white markings around his hazel eyes that were slightly reminiscent of square-rimmed glasses. His tail was wagging frantically and his speech was nearly just as fast. "HEY!" He yelped. Suddenly his voice turned sly. "What're you two doin' behind the bushes? C'mon. Spill. Spill!"
"What—" Riza began, but the dog cut her off.
"Can you guess who I am? Huh? Can you? Can you? Huh? Huh?"
"You sound like Maes on amphetamines." Roy remarked, thankful he didn't have a handful of photos to share.
"Did you say Maes?" Without waiting for an answer he continued, "You said Maes didn't you? Didn't you? You got it! You got it!" the little furry dog was wagging his tail so fast it was blurred. Quickly he made a circle to the right and sat down momentarily; got up and made a circle to the left and sat down again, tail still twitching wildly back and forth. It was obvious Maes could not contain all the joy he was feeling at that very moment. Then he began bounding up and down on his front paws playfully all the while stating, "I just can't wait until I get home to see my cutie pie Elysia! She will just hug me and just cuddle me like a stuffed toy. Oh- the pictures will be so-o cute!"
"Hate to break it to you, Maes, but you're a dog. You have paws. There's no way you could operate a camera," Roy disclosed
After this epiphany, the little dog with boundless energy suddenly stopped jumping gleefully, as did the frantic tail wagging. Then an obvious thought occurred to him as the little wildly wagging tail told, "That's okay—I'll have Gracia take them! Oh! Yes, Gracia, of course, my sweet, sweet wife—"he ran off as if becoming bored with their conversation and decided that a livelier one could be had elsewhere.
"I think we should leave these bushes," Riza stated matter-of-factly. Roy agreed. With Maes running off, he was bound to tell the others. They began walking away from the brush when they caught sight of a hopping object in the corner of their eyes.
"Lemme' play!" Maes pleaded lightly, leaping hard upwards trying to get a thin, white chew toy out of the mouth of a light colored Great Dane. With every hop up Maes would plead over and over. In response the Great Dane would just lean its head nonchalantly in the opposite direction of Maes' energetic hop. "Lemme' play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"Lemme play!"
"No."
"You're no fun, Havoc," Maes, again his tail stopped wagging, only to start up again bounding enthusiastically towards another playmate: the miniature dachshund who was joined by a white haired Bichon Frise.
"I can't believe I'm a – a foo-foo dog!" The latter of the two dogs was lamenting. "I'm not a foo-foo dog person! Someone's gonna just pick me up and chuck me like a football! Hey, has anyone seen my paper?" The white spikey hair at the top of the little dog's head could only point to one person. Roy and Riza concluded that the little white foo-foo dog was Falman. They noticed the three dogs playfully surrounding an apprehensive Welsh Corgi that was a bit on the heavy side. Its short legs could barely lift its stomach off the ground.
"ARGHHHH! Get away from me!" the Welsh Corgi shouted, paws spread out in front of him as if ready to pounce. The sight of the paws must've frightened the dog even more so than the three dogs themselves, for another bellow of a scream rang through the air. The dog wiped its fox-like face and closed his eyes. It opened them only to still see his furry paws. "I'm a dog! I can't believe I'm a dog! I might have rabies!" The dog, Roy and Riza concluded was definitely Breda. He nervously scratched at his ears for the moment. Then he began scratching his back. He stopped again, biting at his tail, and started muttering something about rabies again. They wondered if Breda would need some type of therapy after this. The instant they turned a humungous St Bernard laughed out loud and seemed to proudly strut and stand before them. A tell-tale marking under its nose that shaped like a handle bar moustache made them guess that this mighty looking dog was Armstrong.
All doubt was erased when he proudly bellowed, "Look at these markings! Perfectly placed! Have you ever seen a more exquisitely powerful and well proportioned specimen of a St. Bernard? My well arched chest, broad back, power-packed, muscular forearms, and a dense coat of shiny beautiful fur! I did not set the standard—I AM the standard!" The St. Bernard's face seemed to shine and sparkle—no doubt this was the impressive Major Alex Louis Armstrong!
"Armstrong, you're beautiful," Roy stated with a smirk.
"Thank you, sir…I am humbled by your honorable remark," the St. Bernard bowed and held its huge paw to his broad chest. They continued on their way.
A metallic silver robot dog stood by the tree. A thin, white plume rose from the top of its head. Roy and Riza decided this must be Alphonse Elric, "Hello Colonel Mustang! Hello Lieutenant Hawkeye, how are you today?" Alphonse's sweet pleasant voice emanated from the dog's face.
"We're doing great, Alphonse. You're enjoying yourself?" Riza asked.
"Oh-yes, ma'am. See you!" he cheerily responded and walked away towards the three little pooches who were now playing with another dog nosing a white volleyball. The retriever was good naturedly frolicking with the smaller dogs. This must be Fury.
"'Scuse me sir; Lieutenant—but have you seen Falman? I used his paper." the Great Dane approached them, still having the white chew toy dangling from his mouth.
"Ah—I believe he's with Ed," Roy answered. The Great Dane nodded.
"Some crazy stuff is going on, sir…Is there any explanation for what caused this condition?" Havoc asked. Roy and Riza looked at each other. They had no reply. What did cause this to happen? One moment a game of volleyball the next they were running on all fours. Was it someone's alchemy experiment that had gone wrong?"
"I don't know Havoc, but I'll find out," Roy commented.
"Lieutenant, you're a dog now aren't you?" Havoc inquired. Riza did not like the sound of this observation.
"What are you trying to say, Havoc?" She asked distrustfully.
"Well, ma'am that means I could call you a bitch and not be far off base!" the Great Dane replied teasingly. He knew it was impossible to get shot.
"Havoc, another comment like that and I'll bite off your tail," Riza warned.
"At least I have a tail," Havoc teased again.
"Mine's furrier than yours," Roy observed as he wagged his slowly. Havoc agreed, looking admiringly at the black German shepherd's tail.
"Gee, Colonel, yours is like a plume. Yeah, mine looks like a cigarette, doesn't it?" he remarked. Riza felt left out of the conversation as she eyed her little nub at the end of her rump.
"Why are you guys so obsessed with tail all of a sudden?" She questioned.
"What do you mean, Lieutenant, we've ALWAYS been obsessed with tail," Roy answered.
"You're so immature," she stated incredulously and walked off to lie down under the tree.
"Nice going, Havoc," Roy commented and walked towards the tree with Riza.
Her chin was on her paws which were crossed over each other. Her ears were down, but rose slightly when Roy approached.
"What's wrong?" he asked lying down beside her.
"My tail," she said jealously, "Yours is this beautiful, black furry plume and mine is just a little nub," she explained and looked back at her rump.
"I like your little tail," Roy stated and immediately cringed when the words left his lips," I mean it's very…practical," that still didn't sound right, "I'm digging myself deeper into a hole that I won't get out of, aren't I?"
"I don't expect anything less from a dog," she said.
"You'd help me out of it…wouldn't you?" Roy asked.
"I'm a dog now, it'll be awfully hard for me to throw you a rope," she replied. Suddenly she sat up. Her hind paw instantaneously rose to meet one of her ears and moved back and forth quickly. She irritatedly scoffed as she began some intense scratching all the while saying, "What the hell!...My ear's so damn itchy...What's in there? It's like…biting me!" she continued her irritated rant. Her scratching slowly abated. Riza began licking her hind toes, "I think I need a bath," she said. It suddenly occurred to her that she literally had her foot to her face, "Wow! How'd I do that?" she asked out loud. Then the incredible itching started again. "There it goes again? I thought I got rid of it!" Riza ranted.
"Fleas….They're fleas," Roy answered, "Being dogs we probably all have them. Some have more than others,"
"Fleas? Oh- how gross! I am definitely getting a bath this afternoon!" she commented as the itching ceased.
"Just stay away from Breda," Roy said. They both looked in the Welsh Corgi's direction. Breda's fur was mottled and almost looked as though someone brushed him with a rake. He was dragging his hindquarters behind him across the grass, pulling the rest of his body with his tiny front paws.
"I think I have worms!" he shouted painfully.
"Lovely," Riza stated. "That image will forever be burned in my mind. Thank you, sir." Roy started laughing rolling on his back. Out of nowhere the volleyball came quickly towards him. The face of Fury, the retriever was all Roy saw. It seemed awfully close as Roy shut his eyes tightly. Suddenly he felt as if someone was wiping his face down with a wet, sticky cloth. He opened his eyes finding himself nose to nose with Black Hayate. Then the sun's unforgiving glare again met his eyes. Roy squinted and then realized he was surrounded by a small group of people.
"You okay, Colonel?" Riza asked as she knelt beside him holding Black Hayate back and a cloth with ice in it against his injured forehead.
"I'm so sorry sir," a small voice echoed from a gigantic form that eclipsed the sun. Roy brought his hand—he noticed—not paw to his head which was throbbing.
"What….happened?" Roy asked sitting up rubbing a painful knot on his forehead.
"Well, Alphonse hit you with a rather powerful, yet out of bounds serve. You fell and hit your head on the cooler, sir," Riza explained.
"I'm so sorry, sir," Alphonse repeated genuinely in his pleasant voice.
Roy smiled to himself and acknowledged Al's apology, "How long was I out?" he asked.
"Not long, sir…Maybe five or ten minutes," Havoc replied cigarette perched on his lip. Roy couldn't help but see that Great Dane with the chew toy in Havoc's face. It made Roy smile.
"We'll take you to the infirmary to get that checked," Riza said as Maes joined them. The three walked towards the building.
"Man, Roy you really took a fall," Maes mentioned, "I should've taken a picture." Roy looked at him, eyeing Maes' square rimmed glasses. Roy was suddenly reminded of the terrier that appeared out of nowhere, energetically bounding for Havoc's chew toy. Roy grinned then let out a chortle. Riza scratched her ear suddenly, trying to swat some random insect that caused her ear to itch. Roy started out and out laughing.
"What's so funny, sir?" Riza asked, sounding very concerned.
"Fleas," he replied, "stay away from Breda."
"Okay, sir," she replied, not comprehending exactly what Roy meant by that comment. She dusted a piece of grass off her shorts, saying, "That's all I need, a tail." Once again, Roy was reduced to laughter. The confused look on both of his friends' faces made him snicker even more. "Sir? Are you all right?" Riza was quickly getting alarmed.
"I'm fine Lieutenant." He answered finally. "Just fine."
It seemed, when one got down to it, he didn't mind being a dog of the military as long as all of them were in it together.
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IMBSA: I don't know what we were on when we wrote this, but, it's written now, and completely crack-filled. Actually, I think it was the Orange Sunkist and Strawberry poptarts that got us. It's just a diversion, and while it's not one of our best, it was fun to write and I hope you enjoyed it. Oh, just so you don't miss it: THIS IS A ONE-SHOT. No plans for a sequel or prequel or anything. R&R!