AN: It's summer vacation! HAPPY CANADA DAY! Look forward (or dread) more updates from me more often now! XP Thanks to everyone for their loverly reviews and comments. Reading them makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. :3

Disclaimer: I no own Naruto. Boo.

Kerosene

Monosodium Glutamate

"What did you say?" three voices cried in unison, but with different emphases on different words in the phrase of exclamation. One belonged to Sasuke, who, for the first time in his entire life since the slaughter of his clan, felt shame and embarrassment for being related to Itachi. The other to Naruto, whom free ramen was promised, but now it looked as though he would be working in the back yet again. The third voice was that of Carl's, who was in the process of having a minor myocardial infarcation, what with his shallow breaths and the way he was grasping at his left arm. Orochimaru was too busy blowing raspberries at himself in a hand mirror to notice that the temperature of the shop had decreased substantially, whether this was a figurative drop or the thermostat was switched off in order to save money from the heating bill. The snake-summoning ninja's cheeks had started to de-swell and now he only looked like he had been slapped a few times instead of like the loser of a bar fight.

Itachi fought the urge to roll his eyes, which wasn't all that hard since he was naturally expressionless. From all the loud music blasting out from MP3 player headphones, it was no wonder people starting losing their hearing at such early ages. "I said, 'Sorry, Carl-san, but it seems like I've misplaced my wallet.'"

"I know what you said --" Sasuke began.

"Then why'd you ask?" Itachi cut him off, properly indignant. People shouldn't ask questions they knew the answers to.

Carl clutched at his chest. "...but why, Itachi-san? Why? How could this have happened?" he gasped out shakily. What happened to his vacation? His dream of retiring at the ripe age of 47? He slowly slumped to the ground and laid there, breathing raggedly. "Agh, sh-shooting p-p-pains --!"

Unfortunately, none of the (ex-)Konoha ninja present had taken anything other than the usual courses, like How to Fight Dirty 101 or Assassination Etiquette. They didn't see the signs of Carl's heart attack, nor did they wonder why his face was turning a nasty shade of greyish purple. When questioned later, Naruto would reply that he just thought Carl was having a really bad stomach ache. Before long, Carl was motionless on the floor. The blond was the first to act.

"Carl? Hello, anyone home?" Naruto asked, leaning over the counter and using the back end of a chopstick to prod at the prone body of the restaurant keeper.

"He's sleeping?" Itachi suggested. "Making ramen all day isn't easy work."

"Maybe. Or maybe he's dead." Sasuke supplied. Really, it was no surprise who the more morbid of the Uchiha brothers was. "How can you tell though?"

After a moment, Itachi confessed. "I can't."

"Then how do you know your opponent is actually dead after you're supposed to kill him?" asked Naruto, pulling his attention away from the foam forming at the corners of Carl's mouth. He couldn't be dead, Naruto concluded, because the bubbles showed that Carl was still breathing, never mind that one was supposed to apply that rule to fish and other underwater creatures only.

"I usually lop off my target's head. That generally does the trick."

"Makes sense, I guess." Naruto conceded. "What are we going to do? We can't just leave him there like that. When he wakes up, he's going to have a serious crick in his neck."

"You would know, considering you don't sleep on mattresses either." Sasuke said offhandedly.

Naruto looked offended for a moment, then shrugged and finally said, "Not in that position."

"In any case, someone should take him home. Dead last?"

"You bastard, what the hell do I look like? Some kind of stalker!"

"You like ramen enough. I wouldn't put it past you."

Before Naruto could come back with a good retort -- he had "Oh yeah! Well you..." so far -- Itachi hoisted Carl, who remained in his stiff position because rigor mortis had already come into effect, into a fireman's hold and headed for the exit. Needless to say, the impending pointless argument was avoided. "Huh? Where are you taking him?"

"His apartment, of course."

"...Why do you know where he lives?"

"Foolish little brother, unlike you, I have a social life. Carl-san invites me over occasionally for tea. There's also Bingo Night for the Akatsuki. Attendance is mandatory, but it's still fun."

"Oh yeah, I miss that." Orochimaru said reflectively. "B-35 was my lucky square."

"You should come some time. Goodness knows we need someone to break Sasori's winning streak."

"Sounds fun! Can I come, too?"

At this point, Sasuke smacked Naruto on the back of his head. "Idiot, that's just asking for trouble!"

"...Dream wrecker."

"I try."

With Itachi seeing Ichiraku's (former) owner home, Naruto declared that it was only right that he should look after the restaurant, Carl would've wanted it that way! Up in heaven, Carl felt a chill run through his mass of spiritual energy.

"But I've only ever made instant ramen before," Naruto admitted, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"And you call yourself a ramen-lover. Che, poser."

"Hey, shut up -- What are you doing?" Naruto was directing this question to Orochimaru, who was putting on an apron and stepping behind the counter.

"I'll demonstrate why people flock to be my subordinates." The long-haired man switched on the stove and began preparing a bowl of miso ramen. After he put the noodles in to boil, he rummaged through the cabinets and found the secret ingredient to making anything taste good: monosodium glutamate. During all of this, Naruto watched avidly. Usually he never paid much attention to the process, since he was hungry and just wanted his food, but this time, with his stomach full of on-sale ramen, he could focus.

"...So you use three heaping tablespoons of MSG for 2 servings?"

"That's how I always do it. No one really complains." Orochimaru tasted the soup and added another dash of the white crystals. Satisfied with his creation, he ladled the soup onto the cooked ramen and pushed the bowl towards Naruto, whose mouth was watering regardless of the 10 plus bowls he'd had earlier. He just couldn't pass up ramen, you know. "Now you'll understand why my men adore me! It's not just my dashing good looks and awesome fashion sense!" Sasuke gagged.

"Oh wow, this is really good! I mean, REALLY good. Really. Hee." Naruto continued to slurp down his noodles even as magical ponies started appearing in his line of vision. Such pretty colours! He'd pet them after he finished eating for sure!

"Why am I still here?" Sasuke muttered to himself. He eyed the fallen bag of MSG on the counter, the contents of it spilling out. Waste not, want not, his mother used to tell him and so he swept the cooking ingredient into his hand and put it back into the pouch. Then he turned his head quickly and sneezed. Someone must've been talking about him, he noted, wiping his nose with the back of his index finger and sniffing loudly. He paused and sniffed again. "This isn't MSG."

"What else could it be, Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru asked creepily.

"...No wonder they're so addicted to this place..." Sasuke muttered to himself, completely ignoring the other man. "That guy's been adding drugs to his ramen!"

AN: Told you I didn't like OC's. XD So yes, Carl's dead, you can relax now. I originally had something entirely different planned for this chapter, but I guess it kinda wrote itself. This will definitely be a gen-fic now because I am sadly lacking in that category. I have no idea how long this thing will be, but hopefully it's not getting boring. Anyway, please review! I know it's dumb to expect everyone who reads to review, but seriously, it's disheartening with the new hit counter now. XD; But yes, happy Canada Day, everyone!