"Mom's at Memorial again." Faith told me as we lugged my bags into the car.
"Are we going straight there?"
"That's the plan."
"She's been very quiet." I said as I gestured to Dawn who was walking a way behind us down the seemingly endless stinky hospital corridor.
"Yeah, she's been like that since, we found mom at home. I thought we could talk to her together at home, after the doctors tell us something useful." I nodded.
"They've still only said that it might be a reoccurrence of the cancer?" I glanced backwards towards Dawn but she was too far behind for her to hear and for me to gage her reaction.
"No, they're still doing tests and everything. Mom's going to be so pleased to see you, she doesn't know you're coming." But before I could ask why Faith pointed out mom's room and we walked towards mom and what was possibly going to be the culmination of our worst fears.
FIVE YEARS LATER.
"Dawn, are you ready yet? You're going to be late, your plane leaves in three hours, we need to go now." Faith shouted to Dawn upstairs.
"I'm coming mom." She shouted back as she bounded down the stairs and nearly crashed into her numerous suitcases that were obstructing the hallway. As we loaded up the car with all her stuff I marvelled at how far we'd all come since mom's death just under five years ago. No one would ever have heard Dawn or any of us make a comment like that for a long time after it happened, it was still too painful, but it got better, we cannot forget but the hurt is a lot less now. And now Dawn is going off to Harvard Law after graduating from UCLA with honours.
"Mom would have been so proud of you, we're so proud of you." I told her as we hugged goodbye at the terminal gate.
"I know; I love you guys."
"And we love you." Faith said emotionally.
"Hey, I thought we said no crying." Dawn said, attempting to sound authoritative.
"I know, I know,"
"We're going to really miss you is all." I carried on from Faith.
"Well I'm going to call you loads, we can have those three way conversations like we used to and I'll be back for Christmas."
"We actually have a surprise for you about Christmas." I told her as Faith and I exchanged excited glances.
"What? What is it? Tell me!" Dawn exclaimed instantly excited as well, I often have to remind myself she's twenty-one now, she often acts nothing like it. I looked at Faith to say that she could tell her.
"Well, you don't have to come home at Christmas," She nodded at me to continue.
"Because we're coming to Boston to spend Christmas there with you." Dawn's eyes went wide and I think she would have started jumping up and down in excitement if we weren't in a busy airport terminal. Jumping up and down was kind of our thing when we were enthused.
"That's so great you guys."
"Yeah, it'll be great, we'll get to see each other and spend Christmas in Boston, very cool, you'll have to show us around."
"I haven't even got there yet!"
"No, and I think you better get going, that woman over there is giving us looks and looking at her watch, not very subtle."
"You're right," Dawn said as she gathered her carry on bag and we all hugged again. "Bye guys love you."
"And we love you." We told her as she walked towards the plane and boarded.
"She'll be okay sis." Faith said as we watched the plane take off.
"I know, still can't stop worrying though, but I know she'll be okay."
"Yeah, she will. So what are you doing for the rest of the day?" Faith asked me as we got in the car again.
"Well since I've got the day off from work, I thought I'd go into the office to go through some paperwork I've been putting off." At my reply Faith sighed and leaned across and stopped me starting the car.
"Buffy,"
"What?"
"This really has to stop you know."
"What has to stop?"
"You have to stop working so much, you seem to have forgotten how to relax have some fun."
"I have fun."
"Oh yeah when?" She asked me wearing a very sceptical expression.
"I, go out, sometimes."
"Right, that's why you were at home last Saturday night instead of going out with me or Willow like she asked you."
"Well, I was busy."
"You were not, what changed Buffy? You used to go out all the time."
"Look, maybe I was going out a bit too much you know, and maybe I'm making up for it now, and just maybe I'm fed up with ending up with useless guys. I'm happy being single at the moment, I do not need a guy to validate me so I don't see the need to go out with all the losers that California has to offer 'cause that's what it was feeling like." I told her slightly forcefully.
"So you thought you'd leave it to fate?"
"Something like that."
"Ugh whatever, but you're not going to work, we're going shopping since I'm not on shift until tonight, and we are going to have a lot of fun. We can look for dresses for that charity auction I have to go to because you're coming too."
"Is that an order?"
"It certainly is." I finally started the car and headed towards the mall.
"At least this way I don't have to think up an excuse for not going out with Riley, I'm running out of them, he just doesn't seem to take the hint." Faith rolled her eyes at me for the hundredth time regarding Riley.
"I just don't think you must have broken up with him properly."
"Oh, I did so! I made it very clear and he understood."
"Really?" She raised an eyebrow at me, clearly dubious.
"Yeah, I just think he's kind of gradually come to forget, somehow. I don't know how."
"I just think he's come to ignore what you said."
"No, well maybe, he really seems to have talked himself into believing that there's still something between us, or that there's something between us again. How am I going to get rid of him?"
"I think you should be completely straight with him, be brutal, there's no other way and be quick about it, or I'll have to do it for you."
"I will; it's not just you that can't stand him you know."
"I seem to remember a time when you couldn't stop talking about him, weren't you in lurve?" She made a dreamy face while fluttering her eyelashes.
"Shut up, FYI I haven't loved him like that for at least five years, longer if I really admit it. In fact I don't think I did originally."
"Yeah, yeah, but while we're on the subject of guys why don't you let me set you up on a blind date for the ball."
"There's no way, I will occasionally accept a blind date when I am feeling desperate you know having not had a date in ages but no way for a ball, I'd be stuck with them for the whole night."
"Fine, I don't know why you're being like this, there isn't anything wrong with a bit of fun you know."
"Yes but it doesn't have to involve guys sis."
"You sure about that?" Faith asked before both of us burst out laughing so hard we had to leave the store we were in.
"Can't you just leave it alone?" I asked her a little later.
"Fine, for now anyway."
We got back home a little later after spending too much time and money at the mall. Faith was nearly late for her shift while I had the house to myself for the first time in a very long time. Dawn had been living at home for the last year of her degree course and Faith was still living here despite claiming she'd like a place of her own. I felt that way sometimes, like Faith I often wished for a place by myself but it was also a good feeling to stay here. It wasn't actually the home we'd shared with mom, after a while and a lot of thought we sold the house after mom died. We loved it there and we did have our memories of her there but we all felt that we needed a new start and this house came as part of that. It's full of the memories Faith, Dawn and I made as a family so it is difficult to think of moving again. I think Faith feels the same, which is why she doesn't move out. I also have this wish that if I was to ever move out without either of the others, I'd like it to be with a guy. In all honesty there is a guy that I imagine in that place with me, a guy that I have not stopped imagining for five years. A time after mom died I was able to think of other things again and I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then I got a grip and realised it was useless to fantasise about a guy that I would most likely never see again. But he's still there; so while I live mostly in the real world, he's still there in that house with me, taking on the role and face of my soul mate.
Unfortunately, Faith's idea of leaving the subject of me and my love life alone 'for now anyway' meant that she brought it up the following Monday over dinner.
"You've been different ever since you came back from university." I looked at her, she continued to refuse to let the topic lie, but then I shouldn't have really expected anything else.
"That was five years ago Faith! And hello, we were all different, we had to deal with mom's death remember?" I sniped. Faith was silent for a minute.
"Okay then, you were different afterwards, it wasn't hard to realise. You'd broken up with Riley."
"Which you were happy about," I interrupted her,
"Yes, but it's like you were refusing to go out with guys because you suddenly believed in all that soul mate crap, when I know you didn't before. You didn't even give those blind date guys any chance. You treated then like escorts and nothing else."
"That's because they were escorting me places, I wasn't going to go out with them properly. They weren't.right." I finished after finding the right word.
"You mean they weren't the right one, you're still thinking about that guy on the plane aren't you?" She asked, knowing that she didn't really need the answer from me to know she was right. I sighed, I knew that when I originally told Faith about Angel she would blow it off as a good plane ride considering the circumstances and nothing else. She didn't believe in fate, destiny, and soul mates. She was just happy with a decent, good- looking guy, and there was nothing wrong with that, I used to be the same. But after I met him, it was different.
"So?" I asked her, acknowledging that she was right; I was still thinking about him.
"You've got to let go B! You're never going to go out again if you don't stop thinking about this guy who you've turned into Mr Perfect Soul Mate. You've got to move on, or else do something about it so that I don't have to put up with you having no life and feeling guilty for having one myself." I turned to look at her. "Besides what kind of girly name is Angel anyway?" She asked, clearly not yet tired with her often-repeated question about Angel's name, which I chose to ignore this time.
"What do you mean?" I asked her, a little puzzled. My mind is often a little slow after a long day at work. Especially after dealing with several troubled, difficult teens.
"About what part? Angel's girly name?" She asked grinning like a Cheshire cat. I gave her a look, before answering.
"Doing something about it? What did you mean?"
"I mean that if you're so obsessed you might as well channel that energy into trying to find him and at least then you could have some sort of closure if he isn't the guy for you. And if he is, well that's a bonus, either way you win and you get to move on, however you do it." I looked at her something akin to awe, why had I not thought of this sooner?
"You're right, I should do that; his name isn't much to go on though."
"Yeah but you know he's a lawyer right?" I nodded. It was a start.
Meanwhile, in a club across town two guys sat at the bar. One looked perfectly at home amongst the smoky alcoholic atmosphere particularly since his hand seemed to be permanently attached to a small bottle of whiskey; whilst his mostly silent companion looked as if he would be having a better time if he was cleaning his toilet.
"Come on man, you could at least pretend to have a good time, you're depressin the hell outta me." He spoke with a faint Irish brogue and took another swig of his whiskey. His friend glanced sideways at him but made no reply and went back to looking into his drink like it held the answers to the world.
"Glass half empty?" He joked, and laughed, evidently used to laughing at his own jokes when no one else did so. Again his dark friend glanced at him this time giving him a very dark look. "Fine, I'm just tryin to liven things up here since you refuse to even look at the many gorgeous women that surround us." This time his friend turned around.
"I don't see you doing anything about all these gorgeous women here Doyle." He told him irritably.
"Ah well, I only have eyes for one."
"Yeah, shame she won't even look in your direction." Doyle scowled saying nothing, if wasn't as though he could deny it.
"You really need help Angel mate." Doyle told him after a minute.
"I need help?" He exclaimed, showing more animation in three words than he had in the last hour. "I'm not the one who's been trying unsuccessfully to get Cordelia to go out with me for the past however long."
"She's special man, and I need hardly remind you of what you need help with. A certain blonde chick you met five years ago? At least my fantasy woman is within reach."
"You wish."
"Well, at least I can see her every day and try to win her, the way you describe Becky you'd think she was all in your head, almost as if you made her up?"
"Her name is Buffy and she's perfectly real." Angel almost growled at him.
"Yeah man whatever, this just isn't healthy, brooding over her long gone self day in and day out. What kind of name is Buffy anyway?" He asked, for what was probably the hundredth time. It certainly wasn't the first time they'd had this conversation. The glare he got in response was enough to know he shouldn't have asked the question.
"I don't brood all day." He muttered angrily and turned back to stare at his glass and.think. Not brood.
"You could at least try and find the girl. At least then you could get over her once and for all, I mean if it isn't sad enough to brood over a relationship that's long gone but to brood over a plane journey and one kiss, even if you say she's the girl of your dreams.."
"I never did say that." Angel cut him short.
"You didn't need to man."
"What did you mean, try and find her?"
"Just what it sounded like. We don't work at one of the most prominent law firms in LA for nothin you know." Angel looked so happy he might have kissed Doyle for the idea while he mentally kicked himself for not thinking of it sooner. His appearance was so changed Doyle had almost forgot what he looked like when he wasn't brooding.
"A name isn't much to go on is it?" He asked slightly anxiously a second later. Doyle didn't look worried.
"Didn't you say she was a psychologist or something?" Angel nodded. "Besides which, how many people have the name Buffy?" He joked again; grinning at Angel's less than amused expression.
"Well, it's somewhere to begin."
Tbc....
Thanks for those that gave me review/feedback via email. It's always encouraging to know people are reading and liking it. Okay guys; tell me what you think, second part okay? Come on, I love feedback, it's like a drug, not that I'd know. : )
- Becca
"Are we going straight there?"
"That's the plan."
"She's been very quiet." I said as I gestured to Dawn who was walking a way behind us down the seemingly endless stinky hospital corridor.
"Yeah, she's been like that since, we found mom at home. I thought we could talk to her together at home, after the doctors tell us something useful." I nodded.
"They've still only said that it might be a reoccurrence of the cancer?" I glanced backwards towards Dawn but she was too far behind for her to hear and for me to gage her reaction.
"No, they're still doing tests and everything. Mom's going to be so pleased to see you, she doesn't know you're coming." But before I could ask why Faith pointed out mom's room and we walked towards mom and what was possibly going to be the culmination of our worst fears.
FIVE YEARS LATER.
"Dawn, are you ready yet? You're going to be late, your plane leaves in three hours, we need to go now." Faith shouted to Dawn upstairs.
"I'm coming mom." She shouted back as she bounded down the stairs and nearly crashed into her numerous suitcases that were obstructing the hallway. As we loaded up the car with all her stuff I marvelled at how far we'd all come since mom's death just under five years ago. No one would ever have heard Dawn or any of us make a comment like that for a long time after it happened, it was still too painful, but it got better, we cannot forget but the hurt is a lot less now. And now Dawn is going off to Harvard Law after graduating from UCLA with honours.
"Mom would have been so proud of you, we're so proud of you." I told her as we hugged goodbye at the terminal gate.
"I know; I love you guys."
"And we love you." Faith said emotionally.
"Hey, I thought we said no crying." Dawn said, attempting to sound authoritative.
"I know, I know,"
"We're going to really miss you is all." I carried on from Faith.
"Well I'm going to call you loads, we can have those three way conversations like we used to and I'll be back for Christmas."
"We actually have a surprise for you about Christmas." I told her as Faith and I exchanged excited glances.
"What? What is it? Tell me!" Dawn exclaimed instantly excited as well, I often have to remind myself she's twenty-one now, she often acts nothing like it. I looked at Faith to say that she could tell her.
"Well, you don't have to come home at Christmas," She nodded at me to continue.
"Because we're coming to Boston to spend Christmas there with you." Dawn's eyes went wide and I think she would have started jumping up and down in excitement if we weren't in a busy airport terminal. Jumping up and down was kind of our thing when we were enthused.
"That's so great you guys."
"Yeah, it'll be great, we'll get to see each other and spend Christmas in Boston, very cool, you'll have to show us around."
"I haven't even got there yet!"
"No, and I think you better get going, that woman over there is giving us looks and looking at her watch, not very subtle."
"You're right," Dawn said as she gathered her carry on bag and we all hugged again. "Bye guys love you."
"And we love you." We told her as she walked towards the plane and boarded.
"She'll be okay sis." Faith said as we watched the plane take off.
"I know, still can't stop worrying though, but I know she'll be okay."
"Yeah, she will. So what are you doing for the rest of the day?" Faith asked me as we got in the car again.
"Well since I've got the day off from work, I thought I'd go into the office to go through some paperwork I've been putting off." At my reply Faith sighed and leaned across and stopped me starting the car.
"Buffy,"
"What?"
"This really has to stop you know."
"What has to stop?"
"You have to stop working so much, you seem to have forgotten how to relax have some fun."
"I have fun."
"Oh yeah when?" She asked me wearing a very sceptical expression.
"I, go out, sometimes."
"Right, that's why you were at home last Saturday night instead of going out with me or Willow like she asked you."
"Well, I was busy."
"You were not, what changed Buffy? You used to go out all the time."
"Look, maybe I was going out a bit too much you know, and maybe I'm making up for it now, and just maybe I'm fed up with ending up with useless guys. I'm happy being single at the moment, I do not need a guy to validate me so I don't see the need to go out with all the losers that California has to offer 'cause that's what it was feeling like." I told her slightly forcefully.
"So you thought you'd leave it to fate?"
"Something like that."
"Ugh whatever, but you're not going to work, we're going shopping since I'm not on shift until tonight, and we are going to have a lot of fun. We can look for dresses for that charity auction I have to go to because you're coming too."
"Is that an order?"
"It certainly is." I finally started the car and headed towards the mall.
"At least this way I don't have to think up an excuse for not going out with Riley, I'm running out of them, he just doesn't seem to take the hint." Faith rolled her eyes at me for the hundredth time regarding Riley.
"I just don't think you must have broken up with him properly."
"Oh, I did so! I made it very clear and he understood."
"Really?" She raised an eyebrow at me, clearly dubious.
"Yeah, I just think he's kind of gradually come to forget, somehow. I don't know how."
"I just think he's come to ignore what you said."
"No, well maybe, he really seems to have talked himself into believing that there's still something between us, or that there's something between us again. How am I going to get rid of him?"
"I think you should be completely straight with him, be brutal, there's no other way and be quick about it, or I'll have to do it for you."
"I will; it's not just you that can't stand him you know."
"I seem to remember a time when you couldn't stop talking about him, weren't you in lurve?" She made a dreamy face while fluttering her eyelashes.
"Shut up, FYI I haven't loved him like that for at least five years, longer if I really admit it. In fact I don't think I did originally."
"Yeah, yeah, but while we're on the subject of guys why don't you let me set you up on a blind date for the ball."
"There's no way, I will occasionally accept a blind date when I am feeling desperate you know having not had a date in ages but no way for a ball, I'd be stuck with them for the whole night."
"Fine, I don't know why you're being like this, there isn't anything wrong with a bit of fun you know."
"Yes but it doesn't have to involve guys sis."
"You sure about that?" Faith asked before both of us burst out laughing so hard we had to leave the store we were in.
"Can't you just leave it alone?" I asked her a little later.
"Fine, for now anyway."
We got back home a little later after spending too much time and money at the mall. Faith was nearly late for her shift while I had the house to myself for the first time in a very long time. Dawn had been living at home for the last year of her degree course and Faith was still living here despite claiming she'd like a place of her own. I felt that way sometimes, like Faith I often wished for a place by myself but it was also a good feeling to stay here. It wasn't actually the home we'd shared with mom, after a while and a lot of thought we sold the house after mom died. We loved it there and we did have our memories of her there but we all felt that we needed a new start and this house came as part of that. It's full of the memories Faith, Dawn and I made as a family so it is difficult to think of moving again. I think Faith feels the same, which is why she doesn't move out. I also have this wish that if I was to ever move out without either of the others, I'd like it to be with a guy. In all honesty there is a guy that I imagine in that place with me, a guy that I have not stopped imagining for five years. A time after mom died I was able to think of other things again and I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then I got a grip and realised it was useless to fantasise about a guy that I would most likely never see again. But he's still there; so while I live mostly in the real world, he's still there in that house with me, taking on the role and face of my soul mate.
Unfortunately, Faith's idea of leaving the subject of me and my love life alone 'for now anyway' meant that she brought it up the following Monday over dinner.
"You've been different ever since you came back from university." I looked at her, she continued to refuse to let the topic lie, but then I shouldn't have really expected anything else.
"That was five years ago Faith! And hello, we were all different, we had to deal with mom's death remember?" I sniped. Faith was silent for a minute.
"Okay then, you were different afterwards, it wasn't hard to realise. You'd broken up with Riley."
"Which you were happy about," I interrupted her,
"Yes, but it's like you were refusing to go out with guys because you suddenly believed in all that soul mate crap, when I know you didn't before. You didn't even give those blind date guys any chance. You treated then like escorts and nothing else."
"That's because they were escorting me places, I wasn't going to go out with them properly. They weren't.right." I finished after finding the right word.
"You mean they weren't the right one, you're still thinking about that guy on the plane aren't you?" She asked, knowing that she didn't really need the answer from me to know she was right. I sighed, I knew that when I originally told Faith about Angel she would blow it off as a good plane ride considering the circumstances and nothing else. She didn't believe in fate, destiny, and soul mates. She was just happy with a decent, good- looking guy, and there was nothing wrong with that, I used to be the same. But after I met him, it was different.
"So?" I asked her, acknowledging that she was right; I was still thinking about him.
"You've got to let go B! You're never going to go out again if you don't stop thinking about this guy who you've turned into Mr Perfect Soul Mate. You've got to move on, or else do something about it so that I don't have to put up with you having no life and feeling guilty for having one myself." I turned to look at her. "Besides what kind of girly name is Angel anyway?" She asked, clearly not yet tired with her often-repeated question about Angel's name, which I chose to ignore this time.
"What do you mean?" I asked her, a little puzzled. My mind is often a little slow after a long day at work. Especially after dealing with several troubled, difficult teens.
"About what part? Angel's girly name?" She asked grinning like a Cheshire cat. I gave her a look, before answering.
"Doing something about it? What did you mean?"
"I mean that if you're so obsessed you might as well channel that energy into trying to find him and at least then you could have some sort of closure if he isn't the guy for you. And if he is, well that's a bonus, either way you win and you get to move on, however you do it." I looked at her something akin to awe, why had I not thought of this sooner?
"You're right, I should do that; his name isn't much to go on though."
"Yeah but you know he's a lawyer right?" I nodded. It was a start.
Meanwhile, in a club across town two guys sat at the bar. One looked perfectly at home amongst the smoky alcoholic atmosphere particularly since his hand seemed to be permanently attached to a small bottle of whiskey; whilst his mostly silent companion looked as if he would be having a better time if he was cleaning his toilet.
"Come on man, you could at least pretend to have a good time, you're depressin the hell outta me." He spoke with a faint Irish brogue and took another swig of his whiskey. His friend glanced sideways at him but made no reply and went back to looking into his drink like it held the answers to the world.
"Glass half empty?" He joked, and laughed, evidently used to laughing at his own jokes when no one else did so. Again his dark friend glanced at him this time giving him a very dark look. "Fine, I'm just tryin to liven things up here since you refuse to even look at the many gorgeous women that surround us." This time his friend turned around.
"I don't see you doing anything about all these gorgeous women here Doyle." He told him irritably.
"Ah well, I only have eyes for one."
"Yeah, shame she won't even look in your direction." Doyle scowled saying nothing, if wasn't as though he could deny it.
"You really need help Angel mate." Doyle told him after a minute.
"I need help?" He exclaimed, showing more animation in three words than he had in the last hour. "I'm not the one who's been trying unsuccessfully to get Cordelia to go out with me for the past however long."
"She's special man, and I need hardly remind you of what you need help with. A certain blonde chick you met five years ago? At least my fantasy woman is within reach."
"You wish."
"Well, at least I can see her every day and try to win her, the way you describe Becky you'd think she was all in your head, almost as if you made her up?"
"Her name is Buffy and she's perfectly real." Angel almost growled at him.
"Yeah man whatever, this just isn't healthy, brooding over her long gone self day in and day out. What kind of name is Buffy anyway?" He asked, for what was probably the hundredth time. It certainly wasn't the first time they'd had this conversation. The glare he got in response was enough to know he shouldn't have asked the question.
"I don't brood all day." He muttered angrily and turned back to stare at his glass and.think. Not brood.
"You could at least try and find the girl. At least then you could get over her once and for all, I mean if it isn't sad enough to brood over a relationship that's long gone but to brood over a plane journey and one kiss, even if you say she's the girl of your dreams.."
"I never did say that." Angel cut him short.
"You didn't need to man."
"What did you mean, try and find her?"
"Just what it sounded like. We don't work at one of the most prominent law firms in LA for nothin you know." Angel looked so happy he might have kissed Doyle for the idea while he mentally kicked himself for not thinking of it sooner. His appearance was so changed Doyle had almost forgot what he looked like when he wasn't brooding.
"A name isn't much to go on is it?" He asked slightly anxiously a second later. Doyle didn't look worried.
"Didn't you say she was a psychologist or something?" Angel nodded. "Besides which, how many people have the name Buffy?" He joked again; grinning at Angel's less than amused expression.
"Well, it's somewhere to begin."
Tbc....
Thanks for those that gave me review/feedback via email. It's always encouraging to know people are reading and liking it. Okay guys; tell me what you think, second part okay? Come on, I love feedback, it's like a drug, not that I'd know. : )
- Becca