Author: Angel of Fire SG1
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Rising pt 1 &2, the Storm/Eye, Underground
Pairing: John/Elizabeth
Disclaimer: Mine mine all mine…if I were Brad Wright…which unfortunately I'm not…damnit…

Summary: After the events of the Eye, John just wants some alone time, but instead he finds comfort from a friend...

Slipping Away

John Sheppard didn't want company at that moment, in fact he wanted to be as far away from company as he possibly could be, especially hers. He wasn't sure why, he should have wanted to be around her more, considering he'd thought he'd lost her, but it was the guilt of killing all those people that rose up inside him every time he saw her.

It was raining on the staircase that he had settled himself on, as far away from the control centre as was physically possible, with a nice view of the ocean. Although at that particular moment in time the ocean wasn't particularly picturesque, seeming as though it wanted to lurch over the edge of the pier and take him away with it.

As he opened his eyes he could see the distant light of the edge of the clouds somewhere out near the mainland, the storm was almost over. Well the worst of it had been hours earlier, giving him excuse enough to leave the control room to 'get some sleep'. The look in Elizabeth's eye as he'd turned to leave had told him that she didn't believe for a moment that that's what he was going to do, but she hadn't said anything.

"Major there's got to be better places to reflect in this city," her voice floated through the pelting of rain drops to meet his ears.

He continued staring straight ahead, avoiding looking at her, as she took a seat next to him on the steps. "You're going to catch a cold."

"So are you," Elizabeth replied. "You want to tell me what you're doing out here in the rain?"

"Trying to catch a cold, thought I could use a few days off," he replied, looking at her, a grin on his face.

She didn't smile back as she normally would have, instead she was staring at him with…caring in her eyes? That wasn't right, she wasn't his mother, just his boss. Just his boss? No she was much more than that, but she couldn't care for him, not as anymore than a colleague and a friend, because he cared for her too much and knowing she felt the same would kill him. He hadn't even realised until he'd heard Kolya threatening her life, he couldn't imagine Atlantis, life, without her there.

Maybe that was the real reason he'd run away as soon as he could. John was afraid of emotion, afraid of being too close to anyone. He'd had relationships, sure, but he'd never been too close, afraid that he'd lose them, yet always willing to fight to save the people he really cared about.

He looked back out to the ocean, her eyes too dangerous to him. "I just needed to be alone," he replied truthfully. "Why are you out here?"

"Looking for you," she replied. "I wanted to make sure you were OK…"

"I'm fine," he cut her off before she'd finished her sentence.

"No, you're not, you're sitting out, alone, in the rain and you haven't slept for at least thirty hours…" Elizabeth replied.

"Elizabeth, I'm fine," he repeated.

She seemed to accept his response, if not believe it, because she took to being silent at that moment and staring out over the ocean with him, watching the ends of the storm. He didn't want her to be there, there was so much raw emotion inside him at that moment and he didn't want her to see any of it. It was one thing to shoot at and kill Wraith, but to kill fifty-five humans out of cold-blood? It wasn't right and he knew it. He'd thought he'd left that all behind after the death of his friends in Afghanistan, after he'd gone after the soldiers who had killed them and killed them all, every single one, against orders. He'd been surprised when they hadn't discharged him from the Air Force, but transferred him to Antarctica, blaming it on emotional trauma and with good reason. He'd been happy in Antarctica, flying, no killing, no death. Just the cold, harsh, whiteness of the barren land.

"Why'd you do it?"

He wasn't sure if she'd asked it, or if the words had come from his own mind. They were bouncing around inside his head like a basketball, thumping at his brain to give an answer. Why? Why was it necessary for him to kill fifty-five people when he thought one of his own was dead?

Although it had saved the city from occupation by the Genii.

"I did it to save the city," he replied.

"Then…you did your job well," Elizabeth replied.

"And…" he stopped, not sure he wanted to continue.

He turned to look at the woman next to him, her brown hair stuck to the sides of her face, her uniform drenched so the colour was unrecognisable, yet something about her was still…beautiful? Is that what he thought of his boss, as beautiful? It wasn't just her physical appearance, but her inner strength, her ability to lead, to be strong when she needed to, but be human.

"I thought you were dead," John finished. "That made me angry, you've never done anything wrong, it would've been my fault if he'd killed you. I was the one who offered the Genii everything and then swiped that opportunity away from them. I made them hate us, and because of that I thought I'd killed you…and I couldn't live with that Elizabeth, I couldn't have lived knowing it was my fault that you were dead."

A look of confusion came over her face. "John it's not your fault."

"Yes it is," he replied, looking back at the end of the storm.

She was silent for a few moments, obviously taking everything in. He didn't want her sympathy and he didn't want her to talk him out of his self-pitying, he just wanted to sit in the rain as long as it lasted and be alone.

He felt her lightly touch his shoulder.

"You blame yourself for all this? Everything that's happened…the Wraith…the Genii…?" she trailed off.

John didn't replied, but he turned to look into her eyes again. He could see her concern for him deepen and he wanted it to go away.

"Sumner…" she whispered, adding to the list.

"Don't," he said instantaneously, the mention of his short-termedex-CO sending the worst possible memories through his mind. Searching quickly for a way to cover up his reaction to the name he finished with, "…don't try and stop me from blaming myself…"

"I have to," she replied. "Because none of it's your fault…you didn't kill Sumner, you didn't know you would wake up the Wraith, you didn't know the Genii were more advanced than simple farming people…"

"But I should have!" John almost shouted.

Elizabeth started, jerking her hand away from his shoulder. "John…"

"I should have…" he repeated quieter.

After a few moments Elizabeth moved closer and put her arm around him, pulling him towards her. It felt strange to him, the closeness between them, he wasn't like this, not with anyone from Atlantis, not with anyone. He didn't in anyway return her embrace as she moved her other arm around his front so her hands met on his shoulder, resting her head against his.

"I don't want you to beat yourself up like this, John," she replied. "I need you to be strong…"

He didn't reply, enjoying the half-shelter from the rain that she was providing for him, feeling that somehow she was sheltering him from more than just water. He was thankful for her being there, as much as he hadn't wanted her to be in the first place.

"…because if you're not strong, I don't know if I can be," she finished, quietly.

He pulled away from her, wanting to look into her eyes again. She let her arms go from around him as moved back, but let her hand remain lightly touching his arm. He could see she was worried, and for a moment he was as well. She relied on him that much?

"Elizabeth…" he said slowly, in a warning tone. "You can't rely on me, I'm not reliable, I could die out there at any moment…"

"I know…" she replied. "We all could…but that's a part of the job, and it can't stop us from being friends or relying on each other."

She stood up, holding out her hand to him. He took it, not that she had a chance to help him get up at all, and stood up. She turned around and walked toward the door, although the rain had just stopped, she was completely soaking wet. And as he watched her leave he could only hear one word echoing through is head.

Friends.

At least they were that, he could deal with being her friend, it was safe, yet still brought him closer to him that she would be as just his boss. He jogged after her, catching up so they walked side by side.