Surviving Stephanie Chapter 5
Disclaimer: Janet owns the Plum universe. The DP is a club my friend Chelsea hopes to open someday. Alyssa is... well, Janet can have her if she wants.
Notes: Thanks for reading, guys! This is just a fluffy filler chapter. Welcome to the DP
RFRqueenbe: Your wish, my commeand, lol.
Redslover03: Glad you like. Somehow I always see Joe and Ranger like that, sort of equal, but opposite. I just happen to prefer Ranger.
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I got back to Stephanie's apartment and headed straight for the shower. Everything else, including thinking, could happen when I was no longer looking like a Nickelodeon escapee.
I did take the time to investigate the available beauty supplies, though. It was amazing the stuff that girl had hidden in her bathroom. Her cupboard and fridge were bare with the pitiful exception of a couple bottles of beer, but damned if she didn't have the entire inventory of the health and beauty aisle. I knew there was a reason she was one of my heroes.
After I climbed out of the shower, I slathered on an egg white mask, slicked my hair in some sort of treatment, and settled in to watch Indiana Jones and wait for it all to set. Holy crap, she still had VHS! How retro! I laughed and shook my head in wonder. I'd barely seen VHS since the PS2 came out. Everyone had DVDs now.
The credits were barely through before the phone started ringing. I let it go- this was why God invented answering machines. Stephanie's mother shrieked out of the speakers. Where was she? Why had she left Joe's without a word? Be there for dinner and be early.
Not happening lady. I stuck my tongue out at the machine. God, no wonder Stephanie had issues: Her dad never spoke and her mom never quit complaining. I was so never setting foot in that house if I could help it.
Next up was the cell phone. I let it go to voice mail as well. There were important things to be done. Namely, getting decked out in something cute and non-slutty (if there was anything resembling that in the closet) and going out. I'm not one for going out alone, but I sure as hell wasn't sitting here to wait for the Cuban Inquisition. I was also not interested in going to dinner and playing nice with the Plum Circus or with the Italian Stallion. I had had enough of being Stephanie for today, thank you very much Janet. It was the glue-like mozzarella cheese in my hair that did it, I think.
While Indy circled the globe searching for the Holy Grail, I talked to myself. Literally, adjusting my voice and trying to rid myself of the accursed accent. By the time Indy was crawling through the sewer with the rats I had figured out how to suppress it I concentrated, and anyway it was time to rinse of the messes and begin the final phases of preparation. Still, I lingered a moment to sympathize with Ilsa. She might have been a bitch, but after today's episode I could feel some pity for her, getting climbed on by all those rats. Wait. Who am I kidding? Look who she got to sleep with. Never mind. I glared at the TV because life was not fair. Of course, look who I could possibly sleep with...
Unwilling to go down the long and treacherous path of rethinking my moral dilemma, I took myself back to the shower to rinse off, finally reemerging to put on some deliciously scented lotion and select my wardrobe for the evening.
Thirty minutes later I had emptied out the entire closet and had come to the rapid conclusion that I had nothing to wear. Oh there were all kinds of sexy slut-wear, but nothing that was just... less obvious. Subtlety, I decided. I needed subtlety. It looked like I was going to have to do some improvising for that one. Nothing new. I lived in a dorm where the washers didn't always work. I could do this.
I began sorting through the piles of clothing, dumping possible items onto the bed as I went, shoes included, then resorted to the drawers... Jackpot.
Sexy dark red pleather pants. How in the hell did she end up with these? Must have been shopping with Lula. I eyed them speculatively. Hm, if it worked for Buffy... I prayed that they would fit and tried them on. Oh, they fit. They fit and they looked good, more than good- they made me look thinner, defying all laws of gods and nature, while simultaneously emphasizing a very cute butt. These were magic pants. Next came a black Wonder Bra and a flattering black camisole tank top. Add some killer boots, some slightly smoky eyes and some lip-gloss, perfect some of the curls... Instant smoking hotness. I smiled at myself in the mirror.
Stephanie smiled back, looking ten times better than she had this morning. Oh yeah, just wait 'til I get the new exercise regimen in place, I thought. You'll so be worshipping me when you get this body back. That ended the smile right there. I stared at the reflection that wasn't me. If I was here... where was Stephanie? Was she dead? Caught in limbo? Or worse, was she somehow a prisoner in the head somewhere, slowly going crazy as she lost control of her actions...
I gave myself a shake. Too much Stargate SG-1, Alyssa. You are not a Goua'ould. Probably this is all a really extended dream sequence and you're going to wake up tomorrow with everyone crowded over you on the stairwell, asking if you're okay.
Hopefully.
I applied an extra coat of gloss. Later. I would think about the existential meaning of it all later. After a couple vodka shots. No, stronger. Tequila? I mused as I snagged Stephanie's wallet, cell phone, keys, and a black leather jacket. Damn the girl did have some taste...
I sighed as I shut the door behind me. No drinking tonight - never drink without a buddy. Oh well, hopefully I could at least get tipsy and sober up with the help of a really, really hot dance partner.
That idea cheered me up and kept my step bouncing all the way downstairs and into the CR-V. I had seen advertisements for a new club called DP opening tonight in my travels around Trenton and had bookmarked the address in my head because it wasn't that far away from Stephanie's. I wondered what DP could stand for, but there was only one way to find out. Go on in and ask.
I angled out of the lot and was off like a shot. It was dark now, and god and Janet only knew how long I would have before the Man in Black dropped by. I was utilizing one of Stephanie's tactics on this one: avoidance. The longer I could avoid being shipped off to a third world country or locked in some secret facility for analysis the better. Still, Ranger wasn't everyone. And I didn't really want to party alone. I frowned and thought things over for a minute. Reaching my decision I whipped out the cell phone and dialed one of the first few numbers. It was answered on the first ring.
"What's up?" Lula sounded surprised. "Since when do you call on a Saturday night?"
"Got any hot dates planned?"
"Sure, I got a real hot one lined up an hour from now. Why? You need back up?" Well that settled that. I sighed.
"Nah, but I saw this ad for the DP and thought it would be cool to check out. I'm headed over there now-"
"I'll be there in thirty minutes," she interrupted. "I don't need to see no idiot man anyway. And I been dying to check out that new club. Always need a new hang out."
"Amen. I'll wait for you in the lot. Or should I get in line?"
"Lot. Ain't no sense in standing out there all alone, what with your luck, white girl."
"Grrr. Good point. See ya there!" and I disconnected, breathing a sigh of relief. I honestly hadn't been sure Lula would go- I mean, the way Janet painted it half the time Stephanie didn't go out, didn't really do girls nights very often. Well that was going to have to change quickly. I needed girls' nights.
The DP was in a big two-story building that looked like it might once have known life as a firehouse. The lights were shining but there wasn't a line yet- the night was early. I grinned to myself, thinking it looked perfect. New yet not bright and shiny, crowded but not stuffed like a sardine tin. I swung the car into the parking lot, which was filling up but not packed yet. I was surprised there wasn't a paid parking area but then again it was new. Give them time to build a crowd, they'd develop the rest of the stuff later.
I amused myself by doing some last minute make-up checks and surfing through the cell phone's logs and phone book. Wow, there were like four numbers for Ranger in this thing. How many bat-phones were there? There were also a ton of other entries for people I had no idea who they might have been. Skips? Family? Friends? Grr, Janet, you should make a Plum family tree or something. You know that right?
The fun of the cell phone exhausted I concentrated on ignoring the niggling voice at the back of my mind insisting I should be working on finding Annie and Evelyn. Like I didn't already know what was up there. I was about to give in and start plotting when a red Firebird pulled in a few spaces down, its bass thumping my ear drums. Lula.
I jumped out of the car and headed over to her as she extricated herself from her own vehicle. I stopped mid-stride when I caught a glimpse of her outfit. Leaping lime green leopard print, Batman! And spangly spandexy too... I blinked to make certain I really was seeing it.
Yep, still seeing it. Lula's brown skin and the bright green leopard print spandex dress, silhouetted against the cherry red Firebird. My smile was one of awe and wonder. "You kick ass," I told her.
"Not so bad yourself, white girl," Lula said appreciatively. "You been working out?"
"Nope. Great pants," I told her. She nodded, respecting the mysterious power of a good designer and a high heel.
We walked across the street and approached the club entrance. A faint case of butterflies erupted in the pit of my stomach, sort of like stage fright. I stopped suddenly, grabbing Lula's arm. "Hey, about tonight.."
"You chickening out, girl? I knew it. I knew you wouldn't just start having fun out of the blue!" she yipped. Grinning, her eyes pinned me. "So what gives?"
"Nothing gives. I've just decided it's time for changes. I need a social life, okay? I'm nervous, I mean it's me, em... Stephanie Plum, and-"
"You worried 'bout your scary reputation, being the bad ass bounty hunter and all." She sounded like it made perfect sense. "You need a secret identity. An alias." I stared at her.
An alias? A secret identity? Right, like that would--- Hang on. Maybe it would. And it would solve more than just guys being put off by any Bombshell Bounty Hunter stories.... I smiled at Lula.
"You are awesome," I told her seriously.
"So what is it? What's your secret identity? I'm gonna need to know on account of being your partner and all."
I only hesitated about half a second. "Alyssa. Call me Lyssa or Lys, whatever."
She nodded, and that was it. We finished our walk to the entrance, which was presided over by a large and unusually amicable looking bouncer. He had to be new. Or he just really enjoyed his job... I looked him over. Well past six feet, muscles on muscles, and built to rival a redwood.
He looked down at Lula and I, sizing us up. "Ladies," he said in a voice that was almost as deep as the bass Lula's Firebird pounded out. The door swung in, and a haze of fog and colored light rolled out to accompany a wall of blaring music. I smiled and gave him a nod before we entered. I liked this place already. We found ourselves in an anteroom containing a girl who was obviously taking the entrance fees. I handed her my cash and waited while she waited on Lula before walking around the corner and into the club itself.
Inside it was pleasantly crowded, that rare amount of people that allows you to find a seat yet also find a dance partner. The decor was... well, with the shifting lights and moving people it was a little hard to tell. But the music was good, with a driving punk beat. If my subconscious had fused The Bronze with The Raven, it would have come out like this. Maybe it had. I didn't care either way, though. Lula nodded toward the bar and I followed her lead. Time to kick the night off right. I waved to the bartender, a gorgeous hunk with stylishly disheveled hair and a catlike smile. Well, until he did a triple take at Lula. I looked at her.
Lula had a wolf smile. Poor guy. I hope he could handle the pressure. I laughed at the idea and placed my order. "Could you give me an orgasm?" I asked sweetly. He did himself credit with his quick recovery from the shock of Lula and grinned at me.
"Sure thing, sweetheart. You want one, or multiples?"
"Multiples, always."
He laughed and turned to my colorful companion. "Anything for you?"
"Sex on the beach,' Lula ordered. Somehow I wasn't entirely certain she was just talking about the drink.
While he got the drinks, I turned my attention to the dance floor- my preferred place in a club any day of the year. There were two levels to it- the main floor and a slightly raised platform along the sides, with a couple cages at the edges along with a couple fireman's poles. I grinned. Too bad I was driving tonight- cages were damned fun when you were drunk. Oh well, if this wasn't a dream I'd have a few more nights to play.
The bartender had set the drinks down, and I was about to hand him the cash when Lula grabbed my hand. "Nope. Tonight's on me," she announced.
I raised my eyebrows but didn't argue. I'm in college- you never argue with freebies. "Thanks, chica!" I said, downing my shot.
"Least I could do after the other night," she shrugged.
"That wasn't your--"
"Excuse me?" interrupted a pleasant male voice. I turned, intending to give the interloper a quick shove off.
The words never made it out of my mouth. He was that hot. Tan, lean build, light brown hair cropped military short, gray eyes. A face made for Calvin Klein billboards and clothes to back it up. In the immortal words of Dot Warner: Helloooo, Nurse! He wasn't Ranger, he wasn't Joe, but he sure as hell wasn't too far behind them either.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked. I smiled. I'd like to do more than dance... Ack. Down girl. Remember to keep the accent out too...
"What's your name?" I asked him. His already killer smile widened. This day just got a hell of a lot better.
"You always answer a question with a question?"
"You must have a really horrible name," I laughed.
"Not really. The name is Jack." His smile was pure charm as he offered me his hand. I took it and hopped off the bar stool I'd taken. I paused though, to shoot an inquiring glance at Lula.
Her look was most definitely approving. Good enough for me.
"Let's dance, Jack." I didn't wait for a response, just starting winding my way to the dance floor. Christ, I could already feel that double shot. This girl's tolerance was worse than a freshman sorority girl! Huh, might make life interesting... I got to the edge of the dance floor and turned to my new partner as the song switched to a more bump and grind type of thing. Time to get down to the fun parts.
My feet were killing me and I had no idea how long I'd been on the dance floor. Other than a couple quick breaks for amaretto sours and an occasional shot with Lula I'd been dancing nonstop, either with Jack or another of the three or so guys who had asked me to dance. I'm never great with names, and I practically have a mental block when I'm drunk. And I was drunk. Stephanie's body did not have my tolerance.
Oh well, I'd sober up later.
Right now there was a fun song coming on and Jake, another cute guy with blond spikey hair, was tugging me back out to dance. He was fun and he could keep up with me. He was also a good dancer. I was in love. Well, okay, probably not, but it was definitely a four-letter word beginning with L. He'd showed up at some point earlier and was Jack's main competitor for my dance card. Lula had had her own successes as well- I was pretty sure she had at least four new numbers plugged into her cell phone, and she was getting free drinks by the bucketful. If I'd thought it would work half as well on me, I would have gone out to find my own lime green leopard print spandex number.
A couple more drinks, the world became one big, happy, deafening blur of dancing and laughter. I was floating somewhere on cloud 18, my feet having gone numb several hours earlier. I wasn't alone, though, there was a small crowd of us still in the mood to keep on going all night, surprisingly Lula was among them. I kind of figured she would have taken off with the bartender before then. But it looked like he might have lost out to a delicious albeit thug-looking type.
Jack and I were back on the dance floor wearing ourselves out before we sat back down for another round when the hairs on the back of my neck began to stand up. An odd tingle shot up my spine. Either someone had just walked over my grave (yuck, I didn't want to think about that one) or... Ew, didn't want to think about this one. Nonetheless, curiosity won out and I turned in Jake's arms to look back to the main floor in time to see a shadow detach itself from the wall and move toward us.
A tall, commando-shaped shadow.
I froze, and not just stopped-motion, but totally froze. The freeze went straight to the bone. I think my heart might have stopped. Of course, I couldn't see his face and he hadn't spoken but I had the feeling I was in some serious peril. And not the fun kind, either.
"Alyssa?" Jake asked me, his arm settling around my shoulders. "You okay?"
"Um..." Where do I run? Nowhere to hide. Eeep. "I--" too late. He was already here, standing in front of us. The look in his eyes spoke eloquently, even in the shifting lights of the dance floor. It said there were third world countries in the immediate future.
"We need to talk," Ranger said, ignoring Jack altogether. His voice, what I could hear over the music, wasn't any more promising than his expression.
"Umm..." I looked around desperately for an escape route.
"Lyss?" Jake said into my ear. I noted he was bright enough to keep his eyes on Ranger. "Who is this guy?"
I took a deep breath. "A friend..." I think. I grabbed his hand, which was on my waist and turned to look up at him. "Looks like I have to go, but call me okay?" I smiled stepping away. No need to test Batman's patience tonight. I didn't think it would be a good idea. Probably there had been coups in Central America that had happened for less.
Jake smiled, although he still looked a little suspiciously at Ranger. "I will, cutie," he said with a barely noticeable nod. Yipes. How did I manage to locate yet another male who knew that trick? Great. Just what this life needed- another overprotective male. Maybe I wouldn't answer. Maybe I needed another drink before I dealt with Ranger.
He had other ideas. Before I had much of an idea of what was happening, I'd been steered out of the club and we were headed toward a large black truck parked by the curb.
"Ranger?" I asked, my voice a tad squeaky.
Silence, of the stony variety.
"What about Lula?"
"Tank's taking her."
Oh, so that was who tall, dark and thuggy was. "That's cool... um, you know, I could call a cab and-"
"I told you, we need to talk." He opened the door of the Ford. I stood still and just looked at him. The street lights cast his features into harsh contrast, highlighting the lines and shadows in his muscular frame. With his darker skin and black clothing, he really looked like he belonged in the shadows. I shivered. Dark, dangerous, feral, pissed--- but he was still freaking hot. If only he didn't look so scary right now...
"Here is good. Let's talk here," I suggested. His head moved a fraction of an inch. It looked very much like a resounding no.
"Get in, Stephanie," his voice was nearly a growl. The rest of it didn't need to be spoken: Or I put you in.
I sighed and climbed into the cab. Okay, so 'climbed' is being polite. More like I scrambled drunkenly.
Ranger climbed in with considerably more grace and we were off. He slid into his Zone almost immediately. You know, I always thought Steph was exaggerating with that. Like, who would actually be that involved in driving. She wasn't. My mom had had meditation instructors who didn't go that Zen. I stared in awe.
He should give lessons.
It took a minute of staring at the blank Zen Master Hotness before reality began to seep through. Ranger was pissed. I didn't know why. And I was in a car going I didn't know where with him. Hmm. I really never have been too bright when I'm drunk, but this was a new low. Crap. How best to get away?
"Don't even think about it," he startled me. I narrowed my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. Fine. No escaping. But I was determined to figure out where we were going. There couldn't be that many possibilities. I was pretty sure the destination wasn't the Bat Cave, though. That was disappointing.
Maybe it was Morelli's place? I could deal with him tonight, he was an easy enough score. I wanted to get laid I decided with a sigh. Too much alcohol always did turn me into a nympho. And I was definitely drunk. Drunk enough that it didn't seem so major if he called me Stephanie. Hell, he could call me Santa for all I cared just then. Okay, it wasn't healthy to frustrate myself like this. Just bite the bullet, Alyssa...
"Where are we going?"
"The hospital."
"What?" I yelped. Oh no, no way. So not happening... "Ranger don't do this. You can't do this... Come on..."
He slowed down and pulled off into a convenient lot. When he turned to face me, I couldn't see his features in the darkness, just a fuzzy silhouette from the dash lights.
"Babe," he said quietly. "What happened the other night?" Huh? I frowned at him, letting my confusion show. "You don't remember, do you?"
I pursed my lips, evaluating my choices. Lying just didn't seem smart. "No."
"How much don't you remember?" he was sounding thoughtful now. Uh oh. Danger Will Robinson...
"I, uh, I remember Connie and Lula and I went out..."
"Did the doctors even examine you before you left the hospital?"
Screwed.
"Um, I... I think so. They said I was fine. Maybe some short term memory loss, but--"
"I'm taking you to the hospital," his tone was final. Anyone with common sense wouldn't have argued with it. But I was desperate and I was drunk. Not two conditions known for common sense.
"No. Come on, you're being paranoid! I'm perfectly fine. Look, it's just a night out---"
"Someone let a bunch of snakes loose in your apartment tonight. Albert Kloughn found them."
Oh. Crap. "Look, it's probably just some stupid-"
"You don't get mixed up with someone like Abruzzi and just go out without weapons or backup," Ranger's voice was now as dark and forbidding as his looks. "You don't disappear for a night without telling anyone where you're going. So either you're suffering from some form of amnesia or you're being stupid."
I winced, oddly stung by the reprimand. My subconscious had a hell of a temper. That or... No, no we weren't going down that 'Is this real?' path again. To keep my sanity, this was a dream. I cleared my throat, wondering at the way it suddenly felt tight and scratchy. "Ranger," my voice was barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry. It's just, " okay, plausible excuse, need a plausible excuse... "I didn't think. I was stupid okay? I'm sick of it always hiding in my apartment."
"Morelli has a house," he said dryly.
"Morelli wants a cupcake," I muttered. Ranger chuckled. I just looked at him. I didn't find it all that amusing, but if it got me off the hook, I wasn't arguing.
Ranger angled the car back onto the street and started sliding back into his Zone. I waited for all of thirty seconds before I had to know or risk dying of an anxiety attack.
"Where are we going?"
"The hospital. Nice try though, Babe."
Grrr. I narrowed my eyes and him. Oh just you wait, Henry Higgins...