AN: Ok, I had an absolute ball writing this part. And Saz, you were right. I should have stayed home sick.Work was worse than I thought... Please read and review. I'm dying to know if anyone else gets a kick out of this chapter!

Chapter Eight

Fifteen minutes later, I was clean and relatively comfortable - except for the clammy feeling of my hand under the bandage that I'd accidentally gotten wet. I climbed the stairs to the briefing room slowly, a very atypical move for me, but I wanted to size up the situation. Part of me feared that General Hammond had already managed to summon Jacob Carter in the ten minutes I couldn't hear the alarms while I was in the shower. Thankfully, he wasn't there. I saw Daniel, who was still pouting over whatever it was Carter had broken. Teal'c was there as well and I saw a distinct gleam of humor in his eyes. Dr. Frasier was sitting in my normal seat next to the general. Carter was nowhere in sight. I panicked for a moment, wondering what Daniel had done to her.

I climbed the rest of the steps and took my seat at the far end of the table, nodding respectfully at Hammond while subtly checking the blind corners of the room for a Tok'ra lying in wait. Teal'c nodded at me. Daniel glared and then went back to pouting. Dr. Frasier smiled.

Hammond nodded back at me. "Jack, if you would, give me a brief synopsis."

"Jack!" The delighted squeal drowned out my groan. My eyes fell on the chair on the opposite side of General Hammond. It almost looked empty, except for a tousled blond head and two wide blue eyes that just barely peeked over the edge of the table. I noticed the plate in front of her with a smear of chocolate icing. For all my promises, I was truly surprised that someone had given the girl cake. She was, after all, far more energetic than any of us on a good day and perhaps offering her sugar wasn't the brightest move.

Unrestrained by rules and regulations regarding how one should address one's CO, Carter clambered up onto the conference table and ran across its surface, stumbling slightly over the folder in front of Daniel, and jumped into my lap. Daniel glared at her again, as though she'd stepped on his papers on purpose. I could only grin; it had been a long time since anyone had been so happy to see me. But Carter's enthusiastic welcome was hardly over. She wrapped her arms around my neck and practically strangled me while she placed a loud, sloppy kiss on my cheek.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. Daniel even managed to look mildly amused. Dr. Frasier hid behind the file folder she'd suddenly become engrossed in while having a coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

General Hammond smiled and looked around the table. "At least we know it's really her."

I'd never in my life been so mortified. I wanted to die. I choked on the lump in my throat. "Excuse me, General?"

In true general fashion, he opted not to answer me and instead requested that I explain why I had a bundle of unbridled joy named Carter bouncing happily in my lap. I explained as best I could, censoring myself at several points so as to not reveal my overprotective, un-CO-like feelings during the mission. Carter amused herself for most of the conversation, completely ignoring her name the umpteen times it was mentioned. It seemed that the Velcro cover on my watch provided her with nearly unceasing amazement.

Unfortunately, she was still Carter and therefore always looking for bigger and better things. And being Carter, she remembered where my yo-yo had been stashed in my other pants and went fishing in that same pocket in my new pants to find it. And being myself, there was, of course, a yo-yo there for her to find.

She held it up in front of my face. "Play please."

I grinned. "Sam."

Sam's eyes widened and she looked endearingly bashful. "Excuse me, Jack. Play please."

I don't think any of us could help it; we all started laughing. Luckily her polite words distracted General Hammond from reprimanding me for carrying a yo-yo. When I recovered my voice, I gently took the toy from her and put it back in my pocket. "Later."

Carter pouted and sat down in my lap. I thought she was just going to settle down. Apparently she was just looking for another opportunity. She began to wiggle and I took the opportunity when the general and Dr. Frasier were discussing something to ask Carter what was wrong.

"Down." I set her down, wondering how she could go from being articulate and well-spoken to mono-syllabic without warning. I chalked it up to the three-year-old prerogative. I kept one eye on Carter and half a mind on the discussion. Carter walked around the table and tugged on Teal'c sleeve.

He looked down at her and then looked at me. I shrugged. He looked back at her. "Yes, child?"

She just clawed at his knee, unable to climb up herself. Teal'c looked at me again and I realized he was checking for my permission since I'd refused to let Daniel have her earlier. I nodded my consent. Once Carter was in his lap, I stopped paying any attention to the general and tried to figure out just what Carter was up to.

She carefully situated herself so that she was straddling one of Teal'c knees. Then she smiled and braced her hands on the table. "Giddy-up!"

I actually fell out of my chair from laughing so hard. Daniel was howling with laughter. Janet was bright red. Hammond was gasping for air. I knew right then that action was one Carter would never live down. Even the airmen guarding the door had doubled over. Teal'c remained impassive.

When we'd once again regained most of our composure, Teal'c turned to me, ignoring the fact that Carter was still very much waiting for him to giddy-up. "O'Neill, please remove the child from my leg."

I did as requested, biting back my laughter. I set Carter on my knee and obediently began bouncing my leg, setting off a series of happy giggles from Carter. "Teal'c, don't kids play horsey on Chulak?"

Teal'c looked at me, confusion, concern, and finally distaste washing over his face. He turned to General Hammond. "Is this not improper behavior for an adult male and young girl?"

Daniel choked on the mouthful of water, spraying it across the conference table. "No, Teal'c. Kids play horsey."

Teal'c looked at me and then at Carter who was bouncing happily. "I firmly believe that this behavior is strange."

"Teal'c, Carter's a freakin' three-year-old. What part of this isn't strange?" I felt no small amount of pride in myself for my outburst that hadn't contained any four-letter words.

"Should not the child be made to rest?" Teal'c had a perfectly valid point. If there was one universal truth in the galaxy, I'd put money on it being that all children get cranky when they're tired.

"I'm not sure ordering her to go home and get some rest will work this time." I thought about it for a second. "In fact, I don't think it's ever worked." I tapped her on the shoulder. "Are you sleepy, Sam?" She solemnly shook her head. I shrugged at anyone who was looking.

The general cleared his throat. "Ok, well, Major Carter never has needed any sleep, however, I think we should try to keep this briefing on track for the rest of us who've been up nearly twenty-four hours and actually do require rest." He turned to Dr. Frasier. "What did your examination reveal?"

Janet cleared her throat while she looked over the papers in front of her. "Sam appears to be in perfect health. Most of the blood work will take a few more hours. I ran a full DNA comparison and that won't be back until tomorrow afternoon."

Hammond nodded. "She should probably stay on base until those tests are completed."

"Might I suggest, sir, that Carter stay on base until she has something else to wear too?" I thought the t-shirt was cute, but I imagined people outside the mountain might feel differently.

Carter turned around and looked at me. "Jack? What's DNA?"

"It's - uh - well-" I bit my lip. I knew what it was; I just couldn't explain it, certainly not to a kid. "It's a twisty ladder thing."

Daniel leaned forward with his know-it-all grin and I fought the urge to remind him that his degree was in old, half-worn away, broken clay jars and stuff, not in something real like Carter's. "Actually, Sam, it's a way for Janet here to make sure that you're really you."

I saw the look on Carter's face and began making swiping motions at my throat. I hadn't gotten my hands on any earplugs and she was about to go off again.

"Why do you have to do that?" I had to give her credit, she was holding herself together better than I would have.

And then Teal'c had to speak up. "Because I believe you may be a clone."

Carter turned to me, chin trembling, tears welling. "I hate clowns!" She latched onto my neck and started screaming again.

I patted her back and gave both men my stern, 'you've pissed off your boss' look. "It's ok, Sam." I pulled the yo-yo out. "Hey, look, you want to watch?"

Distracted, Sam shook her head and watched as I did an incredibly poor job of showing her what a yo-yo was supposed to do. For all the years of carrying it around, I hadn't actually had much time to perfect the art.

It was several minutes before I noticed that the room was ridiculously quiet except for Carter's laughter. I looked up and overheard Hammond's comment about how good I was with Carter.

Daniel laughed. "I think it's because they're on the same intellectual level for once."

Just for that, I accidentally beaned him with the yo-yo. At least Carter seemed to think it was funny.

The general cleared his throat and I could tell his patience with the briefing that wasn't all that brief nor particularly helpful had worn thin. "I think I can find a solution for the clothing issue." He went into his office and a moment later, his voice sounded over the intercom, requesting that someone on the base with a young child report to the briefing room.

Sergeant Harriman appeared only a moment later. "Sir?"

The general smiled at the success of his plan. "Sergeant, how old is your kid?"

"I have four of them, sir, but my youngest daughter is four."

The general's smile widened. "Sergeant, please go home, gather a few days worth of her clothes and report back to Colonel O'Neill with them ASAP. You'll be reimbursed."

Walter's eyes turned on me, stopping at the blond in my lap. "Maj-" He shook his head. "Yes, sir." I heard him babbling to himself on his way down the stairs about how he'd never realized that Major Carter had a daughter. He must not have noticed that she'd come through the gate with us nor had he noticed that Major Carter had not. I had a sick feeling that the fact that Carter's "daughter" was sitting in my lap was going to create rumors regarding the paternity of said child that I would never see the end of.

"Colonel, I expect you to keep an eye on her until we can get this matter straightened out."

My mind stuck on his order, wondering exactly how I was going to follow it, since Carter was easily smarter than me, even at three. "Yes, sir." I'd just have to find a way.

"Since we don't appear to be getting anywhere, let's just call it a night. We'll try again after everyone's had some rest." The general stood up while everyone else gathered their papers. "Jack, take the major to your quarters and put her to bed."

I was trying to figure out how I could get an energetic child to go to sleep, but the snickers from my so-called friends drew my attention to the wording of his request. I met his eyes and found a look of horror on my COs face. I grinned. "It's ok, sir. I'll forget I heard that."

He nodded as the red tinge in his cheeks began to fade. "And I trust you won't be quite so affectionate with her once she's an adult again." He turned away with a smile.

I opened my mouth to protest, but there was nothing to say. Carter had snuggled back against me and I was holding her protectively. I shook my head and tried to remember that it was Carter, my second in command. But somehow, that just made me want to hold her closer.