Surviving Stephanie Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I promise I'll put them all back, completely undamaged... except the Merry Men. Chelsea just stole two of them and we can't figure out where she put them... and come to think of it Renee disappeared with Joe like two days ago...

Note: You're still reading this? Wow, you're a braver soul than I.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Remind me not to interrupt your beauty sleep anytime soon," he said with a hint of a laugh.

"Damn skippy" I grinned, pulling away to look up at him.

Ranger's lips turned up in the ghost of a smile. "We need to talk, Babe."

I sighed and disengaged myself from him. "Cool. The feeling is mutual. Have a seat, I'm going to go grab the eye shadow and gloss for Benny-Boo."

Ranger's smile widened. "Interesting name."

"Works better than Benito Voodoo," I laughed, hurrying off to rescue the necessary supplies from the bathroom drawer.

I returned victorious and resumed by place on the floor to start applying the eye shadow and Ranger sat down on the couch watching me with mild interest. "What did you want to talk about?" I asked him without looking up. Getting this right on cardboard was going to be a pain...

"Several things."

Oh, boy. This might not be good. Distract him! "Hey, first can I ask how I'm getting self-defense lessons paid for? I thought I was off your roster."

"More that you're inactive at the moment." Ah, well, yes, that just completely clears that up...

I finished up the eyes and moved on to painting the lips. "Inactive still gets defense moves?"

Ranger ignored me. "Stephanie-" He used the full name, run for it! Defcon 5. Danger Will Robinson! Abort the mission!!!

I turned to look at him, the demented art project instantly forgotten. When all else fails, use eye contact and pull out the big guns. My eyes looked into his and I tried to appear concerned. "Look, is this about my date with Jack?"

He straightened a little at that, you could almost see his bat senses honing in. "Your date?"

"Well, maybe date isn't the right word. We're meeting up for dinner tomorr- er, make that tonight," I said with a small almost nervous smile. "But I understand your concern, if not the timing of your visit, especially since I'm still technically employed at RangeMan. I didn't realize I'd be seeing a co-worker." Of course, since she/I am possibly going to sleep with the boss, I don't see the issue...

His face was blank again. "There isn't any official company policy about dating a co-worker. But it might get in the way of you working together."

"Hm, I'll be careful." I glanced down to check my work on the cut-out of Ramirez. He looked like a Hispanic Mimi in drag make-up with some graphic tattoos on his cheeks and arms. And the hole through his crotch. There were also some colorful descriptions scrawled across his chest, aside from the list of STD's I'd made on his back. I liked it, and felt much better now that I'd spilled all my irritation with Abruzzi, Janet, and the universe in general onto the cardboard.

"You know, maybe I should keep him instead of just leaving him by the dumpster. He could be my own personal dartboard." The idea held some appeal; I just needed to get some darts.

"Babe," Ranger sighed, bringing my attention back to him. "Why are you going with Jack?"

I frowned, confused by the question. Did he honestly not know what Jack looked like? "He asked me, and he's nice. Plus, he thinks me getting some training will help me more than any amount of shrink time. Maybe he's just using it as a way to monitor my progress." Yeah, sure, and if you buy that I've got this nifty bridge to sell you in Brooklyn...

"Morelli isn't going to like it." Ranger was typically unreadable. I wonder if his dislike of Joe isn't just because of Stephanie... Maybe it's because his name has too many syllables. Messes up that 5-syllable count he always goes for. It would explain a lot, like why he never actually uses Stephanie's full name unless dire emergencies are threatening. Usually even then it's a menacing 'Babe.'

"And I would care because?" I shook my head, feeling lost with it all. It was hard for me to remember that Stephanie broke up with Joe on a regular basis but they still got back together. When I drop a guy, it means that it's over. I've never regretted a break up, never taken a guy back, never wanted him back. This breakup, makeup, rinse, repeat thing is confusing to me. Like when you have a favorite healthy snack and then they come out and tell you it's actually fattening...

"He's a good guy, and he loves you." Ranger looked very serious now, every inch the concerned friend. Weird. I took a deep breath and crawled up to sit next to him on the couch. Hey, if he wanted to do concerned and yet sexy friend, who was I to argue? Besides, I needed a couch talk. It's hard this whole being adult and living on your own thing, with no circle of fun and funky roommates and floormates to help you through. No RA's. No Chelsea and Renee... I was feeling depressed again.

Focus Alyssa. Look at Ranger, look at the super sexy yummy chocolate... ack! No, refocus. This is just like sitting down with Steven for a heart-to-heart over smoothies at the Union. Steven. Think Steven. Think gay favorite shopping partner... I pasted Steven's head on Ranger and started talking. Thank you Mommy for the billions of hours of visualizations practice.

"That's fine and dandy, but the problem is: Do I love him?" I waited to see if he understood that problem before I continued. "Well, there's also the problem of the fact that he might love me, but I'm not sure he likes me, I mean not the real me." Yeah, like meaning Alyssa. Then again, does he even like Stephanie? Hey, there we go, let's follow this... I held up my hand and began ticking points off on my finger, talking to the Steven-face-on-Ranger. "He doesn't like my job, my friends, my choices, my life, my car, my family. Which leaves that he likes my body, and possibly my sense of humor, and what he wants me to be. That's not a lot of love, when you think about it."

Of course, he might just be bitching about a lot of that, and not really dislike it. But if that was the case then he was going to have to say it or show it. I needed proof of emotion from Joe before I let Stephanie stay with him. And the same was going to go for Batman. And damn it, I wanted them to like me, not the me-as-Stephanie. Except that I couldn't be me. I had to be me-as-Stephanie for at least... crap. Like months. That's almost forever! I frowned and waited for a response from Steven-Ranger.

"You've thought this through, then." He sounded... proud. I waved off his remark and shrugged. More like I was stating what was blindingly obvious to an outsider.

"I guess. It's time I made some changes in my life, and this is just one of them."

"What are the others?" he asked, leaning toward me. Crap, there went the Steven face. It was definitely the Cuban Sex God sitting beside me. Oh my god, I was on a couch, with Ranger. Sober. Umm... Hell.

Oh hell, he was going to kiss me... I smirked. Fine, let him kiss me. It wasn't going to distract me. I'm Stephanie, right? I'm used to this... Shut up.

"Guess you'll have to wait and see," I told him, flipping my hair for good measure. See, I'm not afraid of the Big Bad Merc...

His eyes shone as his arm wrapped around me to pull me toward him. I didn't even attempt to resist as his lips settled on mine. I always wondered what it would be like to make out on the couch with a super hero.

Somehow the make out session ended before anyone got seriously naked and I wound up slinking back to Stephanie's room with her gun (Ranger's orders) sitting on the nightstand while I slept. Too bad he didn't realize I had only vaguest clue how to fire the stupid thing, much less load and/or aim it. I really needed to fix that.

Unfortunately I didn't get nearly enough sleep, because at nine I was woke up by a loud pounding on my door. I groaned and punched the pillow in frustration before I got up, shuffling toward the door.

"Just a moment!" I yelled to the interloper. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in Stephanie's dresser mirror and made a quick detour to capture my hair in a low ponytail and splash some water onto my bleary face. God, I looked like I'd just had sex or something.

I swung the door open and found myself looking at a large chest. Very large, we're talking redwood-size here. I looked up into the face of a very black guy, who looked very very scary. Not Stephanie's hair scary, more as if he probably knew a hundred and one ways to kill you without drawing blood and was big enough that that wasn't actually your primary concern.

"Good morning, Tank," I said finally, rubbing my eyes to refocus them. Come on, I might be new around here, but how many terrifyingly large and scary dark-as-midnight guys could work for Ranger? Hm, okay, don't answer that I don't want to think about it. "What's up?"

Tank blinked before he answered, as if he hadn't exactly expected me to speak. He held up a familiar set of keys. "We found your car last night, turned up in one of the chop shops."

And how did they- nope, another question I wasn't going to answer. Besides, I had a feeling Ranger probably had a tracker on it anyway. It would explain a lot.

"Thank you," I said, taking the keys. "Is it chopped?"

"All in one piece, Ms. Plum." Bleh, I didn't like that title.

"Stephanie. Just Stephanie. Ms. Plum sounds like a school marm. It's too early to cope with that. You want coffee or anything? A soda?"

Yipes, that damned Southern hospitality genetic kicks in at the damnedest times. Hello, Big Scary Thugly-Type Dude, come and half some biscuits and gravy... Yeah, I know you were thinking grits but good goddess, have you ever had those things? Ugh. Gross.

Tank smiled, and I felt the urge to shield my eyes from the blinding white teeth. Somehow, Tank smiling didn't make Tank look any less threatening, but I took it as a good sign anyway.

"No thanks. Have a nice day," he said and left. I watched him lumbering down the hall, marveling at how small it suddenly looked with someone that large in it. I yawned again and closed the door. Coffee did sound good but I didn't want to make it. Instead I raided the fridge for one of the cans of Coke. Breakfast of champions. And college students, when caffeinated Starbucks-esque beverages were in short supply.

So, what was today's game plan? Oh yeah, hair appointment this afternoon, date with Jack tonight. What to do until then? I thought about the possibilities while I found some crackers and a grape for Rex.

"Do you realize you're like really insanely old for a hamster?" I asked him. "Especially considering how much you get moved around. You're like the Energizer Hamster. We should turn you pink and make it a commercial."

Rex wiggled his whiskers at me. "Yeah, I don't think you'd like being pink either, Hamtaro."

Geez, I'm renaming the hamster and I'm talking to it. Maybe I am nuts. Okay, focus Alyssa. You need to work today, go check on Dotty. You need to clue her in about Jeanne Ellen sometime soon.

I frowned, staring down at the hamster's water dish as part of the book reoccurred to me. Wasn't Jeanne Ellen guarding Evelyn and Annie indirectly? Like the Queen's Guard or something... maybe I should let her handle it. I mean, Stephanie's bumbling is one thing, but mine is probably going to be completely inept. Ugh. I hate this, especially since even if I don't screw up Jeanne Ellen's surveillance, I'm still in danger. Well, screw it. Stephanie was jealous of Jeanne Ellen, and I wanted to see her for myself. Let's just bite the bullet and do it.

I got showered, primped, and dressed in record time before I flew out the door. I was on a mission to meet Cat Woman and get her discovered.

Of course, once I was inside the CRV I realized I had no clue where the hell South River was, so I consulted the map. Uh-oh, problem one. South River was a ways away, and I am notoriously bad at road trips. We're talking legendary bad. Navigating the streets of Trenton was one thing, but this... Lula. I needed Lula.

I drove to the bonds office and nearly ran inside, catching Lula and Connie both by surprise. Lula was in a purple phase today: purple spandex, purple suede jacket, deep purple boots, matching nails with glittering rhinestones. Actually it looked pretty good- I would kill to be able to pull off anything I wanted like she did.

"Lula, you look awesome," I said admiringly. She grinned.

"What you suckin' up fo'? You want me to be backup?"

"That too, but you do look awesome in purple."

"And what am I, chopped liver?" Connie demanded, with mock anger. I laughed, seeing the illegal amount of cleavage popping out of her red sweater.

"No, it's just hard to see past the rhinestones. You need more rhinestones," I told her. "Maybe some body glitter?"

"See, I told you," Lula exclaimed. "This girl has been taking lessons from me, there might be some style in her yet."

I rolled my eyes. I have plenty of style, in many varieties, but Lula's was not one of my style capabilities now or ever. "Come on, I need to go see Dotty Rheinhold about Evelyn and then I'm getting my hair done and going shopping."

"And you want backup for the hair cut, right? What ya doing, going blond again?" Connie laughed.

"No, I need the backup for the shopping... and because it's kind of a drive."

"Let me get my purse and we'll go. I wanted out of here anyway, on account of today is Joyce's day."

We all grimaced at that thought. Yuck. That was another part of the books I could live without experiencing.

"Hey! Is that Stephanie out there?" yelled a whiny male voice a moment before the door to the inner sanctum swung open. Oh, god, it was Vinnie. I pursed my lips trying not to laugh. Janet you outdid yourself, you actually created a human weasel. He even stands a little like a weasel might, shoulders slightly hunched, a kind of paunchy tummy, twitchy nose.

Man, Stephanie definitely got the good end of the gene pool in this family.

"Where's Bender?" Vinnie the Weasel demanded. "Why the hell haven't you brought me Bender?"

"I'm working on it," I lied. Like hell I'm working on that, he's gonna die anyway. No sense in me getting chased by knives or shot at any more than I have to.

"You damned well better work on it or you're out of a job." Uh huh, right. I repressed the urge to roll my eyes, choosing instead to leave.

"Nice to see you too, Vinnie," I called over my shoulder. "I'll see you later."

Lula followed me and we climbed into the CR-V. When we were both settled I handed her the map, then angled out of the lot in search of South River and Dotty Rheinhold's house. It took us forty-five minutes, but we made it in one piece, both of us singing off-key along with Nelly the whole way. From Stephanie's CD collection I had surmised she preferred metal and older stuff, but no way in hell was I listening to Metallica or Bruce Springsteen. The radio was going to have to do until I located a Record Wearhouse or whatever equivalent they had in New Jersey.

When we finally made it to Dotty's, sure enough there was a van a little way down the street and a nicer sedan. I wasn't sure which one was the notorious Cat Woman, but it didn't matter. "Lula, stay with the car, okay? No use letting Jeanne Ellen steal it when I just got it back."

"Got ya, girlfriend."

I jumped out, heading for the house. I paused on the street to look back at the van. No, I didn't see Jeanne Ellen using a van, even for surveillance. However, there was definitely someone in the sedan. Good enough for me. I waved and hurried up the walk to knock on the door.

Dotty opened the door looking harassed. Her hair was mussed, there were cheese splatters on her shirt, and she was holding a squirming little boy in one arm. Oh yeah, not to self: Avoid that baby-sitting incident if it's the last thing you do.

"Hey, Dotty, right? I'm Stephanie Plum-"

Dotty relaxed and smiled faintly. "I recognize you now, I went to school with your sister." Oh, poor lady. I'm sorry, that couldn't have been pleasant.

"Um, yeah, look, Mabel asked me to look for her granddaughter Evelyn, and I know you all were friends-"

"I haven't seen Evelyn in years," she said a little too quickly.

'Uh-huh," I shook my head. "I really don't care. I'm just in this to help out Mabel. Now, I know you're in contact with her, and you're her best friend so you're helping her," I held up a hand to stop her from interrupting. "But there's something you have to know about that sedan sitting down the street."

Dotty frowned and looked confused. I took the opportunity to slip inside and closed the door behind me. "Excuse me!" she protested.

"Hush, I wasn't going to announce it to the neighborhood that you're under surveillance." Dotty's face paled. "The lady in that sedan's name is Jeanne Ellen Burroughs and she was hired by Steve Soder to find Annie and Evelyn. She thinks you're in contact as well. So be careful, okay? Really, really careful. Jeanne Ellen is the best." I paused and pulled out one of Stephanie's business cards from my pocket. "Call me if you need to... get around her, right? I'll help with a diversion, but you need to get me in touch with Evelyn. I want to be able to tell Mabel she's okay."

Dotty was silent through my whole spiel and she even took the card. "All right. I'm not sure where Evelyn is, but I'll keep this in mind."

"Great. And your kids are cute, by the way," I said smiling as I grabbed for the door and made my escape. Small children make me nervous. They're like little ticking time bombs just waiting to go off in a deafening roar of shrieking. Thank god I was an only child; I wouldn't have survived siblings. Then again, looking at my parents, I don't think they would have either. My parents aren't multiple kids type people. The Cowboy and Hippie. It's a wonder I survived...

I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked back to the car, feeling more relaxed. Okay, that worked. Now to go get my hair fixed. I climbed back into the CR-V and turned to Lula.

"What do you think of blond highlights? Or should I just get it relaxed?"

Lula looked at me critically, assessing the possibilities. "You mean you didn't already put highlights in it? You sure got some. Been out in the sun a lot lately?"

I frowned and tilted the rearview mirror to examine myself. So it wasn't my imagination: my hair was a little lighter. Odd...

"You been out in the sun," Lula announced. "You're even darker! Or you been going to one of them tanning booths?"

What? I looked down at my arm and didn't see anything new, but leave it to your friends to notice minute details. "Um, yeah, I got a tanning package."

"Looking good. Not so pasty pale no more. A little color on you and no wonder Bat Man's still after you."

I laughed at that. Ranger was going to be after Steph no matter what. It was the way of Janet.