Surviving Stephanie Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Janet Evanovich is not writing this, this is a not-for-profit fan fiction, and no one was harmed in the making of it. But the Merry Men are exhausted.

Note: It's kind of short, but hopefully amusing. Thanks as always to everyone for reading, commenting, and reviewing. This is too much fun to write, so I'm glad others are enjoying reading it!

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The mall was busy but not jam packed, so I got a decent enough spot by Macy's and we headed in. There was still an hour to kill before my appointment with Mr Alexander, so I figured it was the perfect time to find something to wear to Rossini's. Except for the niggling problem that I had never been to Rossini's in person...

"I need a new outfit," I told Lula as we ambled through the women's section. Lula's ears immediately perked up.

"Got a hot date wit' Batman?"

"No," I said, my face breaking into a grin. "But close. I'm going out with one of his guys-"

"Holy shit," Lula stopped dead in her tracks, eyes wide. "You hooked up with one of those hunks? But why not Batman?"

"Ranger didn't ask," I sniffed. She nodded at that.

"So who's the guy?"

"His name's Jack... Um, actually he's the one I danced with the other night at the club."

"Oh my God, girl. That man was fine," she squeaked, grabbing my hand and hauling me after her. "Where you going? Oh, never mind, it don't matter. I know just what you need to wear..."

"We're going to Rossini's!" I yelped, narrowly avoiding losing my balance. I had a feeling I'd have been dragged along the carpet.

"Good, then it'll be perfect- Wait," she stopped again, and I nearly ran into her. Yeesh, I felt like a pull toy... Lula didn't seem to notice my discomfort as she turned to look at me critically. "This is a little funny, ain't it? I mean, you've been having enough problems with two men, what you doin' adding a third?"

I smirked. "What do you think I'm doing? I'm moving on. I'm sick of getting mixed signals from those two. Either they shape up or no matter how fine they are they're getting benched."

Well, okay, this wasn't as clear cut as all that. I mean, they're both too damned hot to handle. Benching them was going to be a lot harder than that but I am on a mission here. Too bad I wasn't sure what the mission was...

OH yeah, I'm on a mission to make Joe and Ranger treat Stephanie like more than a snack food. I'm on a mission to survive this place. I'm on a mission to get home. I'm on a mission to find the perfect outfit.

Lula was grinning ear to ear, looking like a Cheshire Cat. "It's about damned time. You put up with too much shit from both of them."

"And Jack can dance," I laughed.

"Come on, this is it," Lula said, spinning me around to face a mannequin. Holy crap, she was right. I had been expecting some weird spandex animal print with day-glo sequins, but this...

It was white, which wasn't a normal color choice for me or for Stephanie as far as I knew, but it was a dream. Wide neck, sleeveless, gathered along one side, floaty hem... I grabbed one of the rack and dashed into the fitting room.

By whatever stroke of divine intervention I had even snagged the right size, because the dress fit. And it delivered on everything the mannequin had promised. I eyed my reflection critically, but couldn't really find a flaw. I was going to look like a goddess tonight. I smiled, feeling empowered and invincible. The boys didn't stand a chance.

I stepped outside and did a quick twirl for Lula who nodded her approval. "He'll be begging you for a second date before you're even in the car," she noted.

Looks like Steph is buying herself a new dress.

I paid for the dress and we headed up to Mr. Alexander's. I was increasingly nervous with each step. I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew it would look superb, but fooling someone's stylist is impossible. He was going to know, wasn't he? He was going to call the mental ward the second I walked through that door...

Actually he hugged me the second I walked through the door. Then he proceeded to launch into a tirade about how I should deep condition more often. He paused exactly long enough to ask me what I wanted done.

"I want it relaxed. Not super straight, but waves. I want-"

"You want that beachy look. Yes, I think it will be wonderful," he was pushing me toward a chair. "I love the highlights, who did them?"

"Uh-"

"Well, they are gorgeous. They'll look better when your hair isn't such a puff ball though..."

Hey, I kind of liked the puff ball look... ok, not really. Damn, this is why she barely goes in here...

I gave up attempting to speak and let him take over, Lula stepped in to say she was going to hit Victoria Secret and she'd be back in an hour to check up on me. After she left I felt like my final lifeline was gone. I was drowning in a sea of gossip.

"So, what happened with you and Joe Morelli?" Mr. Alexander asked as he spun the chair around to being washing my hair.

"I... We-... It just wasn't working."

"Well, don't worry. I'm sure you'll find someone..." And he moved on to other topics. I breathed a sigh of relief.

It took two hours of non-stop gossip before he finally set me under the dryer. I'd get my final styling and I'd be free. The relief was dizzying.

Through whatever miracle of intuition Lula showed up again as Mr. Alexander was putting the finishing touches on my new hair. He hadn't let me see what it looked like, which was starting to annoy me.

Stephanie had a LOT of hair, and what he/we/I had just done was drastic, damn it. I wanted to know if I'd made a mistake... I was building a sympathy for those poor girls who went on The Swan. You remember. They give you a total body make-over but you don't get to see a mirror until the big reveal. Then there's a beauty pageant at the end to make sure you don't get too full of yourself because even with a total body lift, a personal trainer, a stylist, dental work, designer clothes someone is still more gorgeous than you...

Sorry, I'm rambling. But that's what it was feeling like, okay. I was dying inside.

Lula's response didn't help matters because she just grinned and nodded approvingly, keeping back to let Alexander the coif nazi finish.

He fussed with one particular section forever until he finally put the freaking curling iron down and stepped away to admire it all.

"Voila!" he announced loudly enough for the whole damned place to turn and look as he spun the chair around to let me face the mirror.

Holy shit.

My mouth dropped open and my brain shorted out.

When the synapses finally figured out how to fire again, I still remained in shock. My brown hair fell around me in soft sun-streaked waves, showing off the faint tan and brightening my blue eyes to electric proportions. Ranger wasn't going to be the only one making the opposite sex walk into walls.

But what got me wasn't the knock-em-dead good looks, but the familiarity of them. With more blond, the skin tone, the tamed curls, came a revelation: Stephanie looked like me. A little older, a few more curves, but if I had an older sister, she'd have looked like Stephanie.

"Damn, Mr. Alexander, you out-did yourself," Lula was saying. I nodded, half-forcing a smile onto my face.

"I- I love it. It's great! Perfect! More than perfect!" I said, shelving the uncomfortable revelation for later. Much later. Post-date later. Maybe even post-life later...

I dropped Lula off at the office and stayed long enough to let Connie see my new style and approve the dress I got for the date before I headed back to the apartment. Too bad there was one part of the book I forgot about.

It jumped out at me halfway back. Literally. This huge, hairy, eight-legged freak monstrosity leapt out of the back and landed on the front passenger seat. I swear to God it was staring at me through it's bazillion eyes.

I screamed. I screamed like Drew Barrymore getting sliced at the start of Scream. I screamed like I was showering at Norman Bates' house.

I also totally forgot about the road. Oops. I swerved back, narrowly missing a telephone pole, only to catch a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eyes a split second before the Thing landed on my leg. That was it. Games over. I screamed again, kicking, swiping at it with my hand while slamming on the break with my left foot.

Dad said I should never use my left foot. Screw dad. Dad never had a gigantic jumping spider in the car.

There was a crunch of fiberglass and metal as the CR-V bumped into something. I didn't care, I think I was leaping out of it before it even totally stopped. I might have blacked out. I don't know. My brain sort of checked out for a little while.

One moment I was screaming inside the car, then it went fuzzy and by the time I tuned back in I was sitting on the curb, crying while a guy in uniform that I thought might have been Eddie Gazarra was next to me offering chocolate and friendly hug.

When J.K. Rowling made chocolate the cure for dementors she knew what she was doing. By the second bite the spiders didn't seem so awful and I had almost given up my half-formed plan of kidnapping Janet and dumping her in the Australian outback.

"Better?" The guy-who-might-have-been-Eddie asked with a half smile.

I nodded, not feeling up to risking words.

"Like the hair," he said, apparently shooting for distraction.

"Just left the salon," I said, agreeing with the tactic.

"Come on, I'll take you home. Unless you'd rather wait for Joe?"

"Is the car still drivable?"

"Uh, Steph..." Might-be-Eddie shook his head and glanced back at the CR-V. I didn't follow the look. I didn't want to run the risk of seeing any more spiders. Animal Control was there, but I wasn't chancing it. "There's a telephone pole on it."

Ah, question answered. Fuck. That's the second car I have sent to car heaven via a telephone pole. Which brought me up to a total of one ditch, two telephone poles and a mailbox. Steph isn't the only one with car issues, although in my defense the mailbox was in order to avoid a tractor, and the ditch was with Daddy's truck trying to avoid a bull...

Possible-Eddie handed me my Macy's bag and my purse as he helped me into his squad car. Crap, should I call Jack? I wasn't so sure fancy dinner dates would go well after getting jumped by gigantic mutant spiders... What the hell is the etiquette with something like this?

"Deep thoughts?" My companion of mysterious name asked. I sighed.

"Yeah. Trying to figure out whether or not to call my date and cancel. I'm freaked, but it would be rude, but then again I feel like I need a Xanax... and on the other hand he is a psychiatrist, so maybe it could be like a free session..."

"Date?" The guy's brown eyes widened and he looked at me in shock. "You aren't talking about Joe are you?"

Crap, I forgot about that whole 'cops are the biggest gossips' routine. Oh well, they'd have known in a couple hours anyway. "Nope, not Joe,"

"I didn't know you two broke up."

"Wow, seriously?" It was my turn to stare. I figured they would have known within thirty seconds. "It was like days and days ago."

"And you already have a new date?"

We were pulling up to the apartment building, but I was intrigued so I concentrated on Possibly-Eddie. "What, you think I can't get a date?" I asked, keeping my face serious. His eyes widened a little.

"Hell no. I know you better than to say something like that." Okay, he was probably Eddie after all. "I'm just surprised," he said as he slid the car into park in front of the building and turning to look at me. "I figured you'd end up with him."

Oh. Huh, that was news. See, why the hell couldn't Janet have written this conversation? If I knew one thing it was that guy friends' ideas on these things usually were more reliable than girl friends'. I blew out a deep sigh and looked down at the Macy's bag. Janet, I have four syllables for you. Three words. Means a poor nation state, very far removed from the economic well-being of the USA.

Now, I am sure Stephanie would have had some sort of glib retort or would have beat enough circles around the old proverbial bush to do any White House Press Correspondent proud. I didn't have the energy.

"Look, no ring, no commitment. And seeing as how I didn't want a ring, that didn't exactly mean anything good either." Yeah, plus I'm possibly crazy and this is just one long damned hallucination.

Eddie nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense. Don't have too much fun tonight, though," he added with a lecherous grin. "Don't do anything I wouldn't."

I rolled my eyes. "Damn, that rules out that what exactly?" He laughed as I angled out of the car.

I waved once as he drove away and hurried inside. Spiders be damned, I had a date to worry about. I was going to kick the crap out of Benny Boo, meditate, possibly make a voodoo doll of Janet, and get dressed. This frazzled state of mind was no way to go on a first date. I was going to be a goddess tonight if it killed someone. Hopefully Abruzzi.