Surviving Stephanie Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Janet's characters are Janet's characters. And she can keep them, I'm just borrowing them for some amusement.

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I flopped facedown on the bed, past giving a second thought to my dress. It was tough, it would survive a little wrinkling. Hell, after the night I'd just had, it was as wrinkled and disheveled as it could get. With an immense effort, I summoned the will to tilt my head just enough to let me see the bedside table. 5 am. Wow, that was a record even for me.

It was going to be a bloody long day. But it was worth it. I had just had a night of dining, dancing, laughing, and all-out partying to rival anything we'd ever pulled during Rush Week and maybe even Homecoming.

I sighed happily. I hadn't drunk that much so I was sober now, just unbelievably tired. This is why the gods invented No-Doz. I'd be fine. Maybe I'd take it with coffee. Mmm, coffee sounded good. Well, not plain coffee. No, I was lusting after a Caramel Macchiatto with whipped cream and heavy on the caramel. I had some No-Doz in my purse, having bought it at some 7-Eleven at some point during the night, so all I needed was the coffee. Which meant getting dressed. Which meant a shower. Which meant moving. I heaved a sigh and pushed myself to my feet.

I'd pulled an all-nighter before, and I would again. So why was I so freaking... Oh, this must be what people mean when they feel all old after 30. Wow, being in a 30 year old's body sucks...

An hour later, standing in line at the Starbucks rip-off coffee shop, I was feeling somewhat better disposed toward my antique body, having been fully groomed and being assaulted by the warm, welcoming scent of early morning coffee and eagerly anticipating my own large dose of caffeine.

I finally scored my hit and scurried over to the window bar to savor my carmel macchiatto goodness. I almost shivered in delight as I took the first sip, popped the No-Doz, and downed another gulp. The iced sugary liquid shot through my veins, and hit my brain with a pleasant jolt. I had my fix.

"Hey, honey, is that a caramel mochaccino" asked a lady with a voice that said she'd been smoking two packs a day since World War Two ended. "I used to drink them but they gave me the shakes. Too much sugar"

I turned to look, against my better judgement. The lady was sitting next to me, a little old granny with flame red hair, fresh blood red lipstick, eye make-up a la Tammy Faye, more rings than one of my mom's New Age guru friends, platform Sketchers and a white polyester warm-up suit. I blinked and wondered why she seemed so familiar.

"You keep drinking them and you'll end up with diabetes. My brother had diabetes" she continued on earnestly. "They had to cut his foot off. It was real ugly, first his toes turned black and then his skin started falling off. It looked like a shark had got hold of him and ripped all the meat off."

I bit my lip as it hit me. FTA file. She was one of Stephanie's FTA's. Blech. And her choice of conversations... "It's an iced caramel macchiato actually, but close enough" I told her.

"Well, be careful with that stuff" she advised. "You don't want to end up in a nursing home like my brother. I go visit him sometimes, but I got things to do. Gotta keep active, at my age I might wake up dead tomorrow... how old do you think I am"

Old enough to know better than to die your hair that color, I wanted to say. Instead I smiled and summoned up my Scarlett manners. "Why ma'am, you can't be a day over sixty." The lady laughed.

"I'm seventy-four. What's your name, honey"

"A- I'm Stephanie."

"Laura. Laura Minello." Yeah, I knew that. Wanna go to jail now"See that fancy red car out there" she asked, gesturing to a red Corvette out front"That's my ride."

"Nice wheels, Laura" I nodded appreciatively. "I think the new body style kicks ass. How long you had it"

"Couple days."

I glanced at her, curious. "Steal it"

"Borrowed. Old people are allowed." I grinned at that. I could appreciate the logic. When you live to be eighty-five, yeah, you should get some kind of perk. I took a sip of my drink, to stall for a little time. If I remembered right, some blue and white showed up pretty soon anyway.

"Oh, by the way, I work for your bondsman- Vincent Plum. You missed your court date, and you'll need to reschedule. Over the BMW wasn't it"

"They didn't have no sense of humor at that dealership. Just pencil me in for next week."

A cop car rounded the corner a block away, and I watched it cruise toward the Corvette.

"doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. It'd be a lot easier, of course, make my job hella less dangerous, but it just doesn't" I rambled as the cop car stopped and the officer got out to look at the red Corvette. I waved to him and he rolled his eyes.

A couple hours later I was sitting outside the Vincent Plum Bail Bonds office trying to decide whether or not I really wanted to go in. I had to, on account of I had to get a check for taking Laura in, but I really didn't want to. We had run into Lula last night and I was pretty sure she was going to be hung over like none other, plus she would have told everything to Connie.

I'd be walking into the Spanish Inquisition. I gathered up my guts, wishing I had another iced caramel macchiatto, and sauntered into the office, trying not to think about firing squads.

"Hey jelly bean" Lula said, looking surprisingly chipper, and only half-dead. Must have been closer to noon than I thought.

"Vinnie's in his office" Connie warned before standing up from the computer to stalk closer. "So, what did you do last night"

I sighed and slipped down into the couch next to Lula. "Went to a few clubs. An after-hours party or two. Lula was around for most of it."

"Are you here to tell me you captured Bender" Vinnie screamed through his door.

"How" I started to ask. Connie just raised her middle finger.

"I saw that" the human weasel yelled.

"Video and sound installed."

Vinnie's door opened and his greasy little head popped out, beady eyes flashing. "Andy Bender is a drunk for crissake"

"A crafty drunk" I interrupted. "He pulled a knife on me and apparently he's immune to pepper spray. Unless you want me to shoot him and drag his lifeless body to the hospital, I'm going to need help. I wouldn't mind just shooting him though..."

Everyone's jaw dropped. Vinnie looked like a weasel being choked.

"Christ, no! Too much fucking paperwork"

"Then what's your suggestion, Wise One" I demanded, crossing my arms and glaring at him.

"You're pathetic, Stephanie. I could catch this guy with one hand behind my back" he blustered.

"Fine, then you can go along, show me how it's done."

Vinnie's mouth opened and closed several times. Finally he puffed up his chest and nodded his head. "Be here tonight. I'll take this guy down." He slammed the door shut behind him. I shook my head and handed a still-dumbstruck Connie the paperwork on Laura Minello.

"Here, I'm going to the gym, but I'll pick this up on my way home." And I high tailed it out the door.

I had barely turned out onto the street when the cell phone started going off. I flipped it open without checking the caller ID. Stupid me. Grandma Mazur didn't even wait for a 'hello'.

"You have to do something! Mabel is driving us nuts" She sounded kind of frantic. "Been over here forty times! She bakes all day and now she's giving us stuff because she dont' have any more room"

"Gee, that sounds awful. Free food, the horror" I couldn't help it. The caffeine had lost me control of my mouth.

"Stephanie Plum" Grandma Mazur snapped. "This is serious! She came over this time and started crying. Crying! You know we don't do so good with crying here." I just rolled my eyes, feeling remarkably unsympathetic.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I'm on my way to the gym. Just nod your head and keep some Kleenex handy. It won't kill y'all to deal with emotion for once. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up the way y'all do in that house. Someone is going to need some serious therapy someday. Or have a psychotic episode" I added thinking about Stephanie's dad and the hints through the books about his growing love of gun magazines and Steph's mom hiding the rat poison from him.

"You've been watching Dr. Phil again, haven't you"

My jaw dropped. What the hell? Was Dr Phil the only way anyone in this freakish place got therapy? Ugh. I swallowed the urge to scream. "Sorry, what? You're cutting out. Talk you later! Love you! Bye"

I hit the End button and tossed the phone into the passenger seat. Time to go see Mac and learn how to kick some ass.