Chapter Seventeen

We stepped through the gate ready to fire. Although the MALP had sent back images that showed no sign of guards, we were ready for an attack anyway. Except for some tress burned with laser fire, there was no indication that anything had happened there at all. I ordered SG-9 to hold the gate, just in case, while I forced the rest of my team and SG-6 to hike through the woods. The march took slightly longer than the first time we'd been there - we were on the lookout for an ambush and we were armed to the teeth. We were ready for them.

Well, we thought we were. The laser hole-punch squad met us at the edge of the forest just as they had the first. I could have sworn they were the same guys as before, yet they showed no recognition. I wondered if they remembered shooting at us. Having seen them in action, I was slightly more impressed with their weapons than I had been, but I wasn't about to tell them that.

I also didn't tell them about the sick sense of déjà vu that overtook me when they directed all of us into that same lovely beige room decorated with the same misshapen globs of mud. I sat down on the bench and swore I was going to come up with a better plan the next time. See, I'd been expecting them to be waiting for us. I expected a nice little firefight that we would win. I expected in exchange for not taking over their planet, not that we would anyway, they would offer us a trade. We would promise peace and they would hand over the make-Carter-big-again potion and all would be well. Or, which was equally likely, we would just keep shooting until someone offered us the goods in exchange for our departure. I really didn't feel that there was any reasonable expectation that we'd be back at square one. Actually, we were worse off than that - at square one, we'd had Carter with us then and, although she and the rest of the feminists out there will hurt me for thinking it, having Carter with us usually, but not always, makes us more welcome. Carter generally distracts the unfriendly looking men who would otherwise harass us. Like the group of unfriendly looking men who walked in the room.

You know what's worse than unfriendly looking armed men on a hostile planet?

Unfriendly looking armed men who look around the room and suddenly look very disappointed, that's what. But at least they gave no indication of remembering how they'd been trying to kill us when last we spoke.

Rather than tip my hand, I stepped forward, bravely greeting the group of four. "Hey, guys! We got home and realized we'd forgotten to send any postcards and you know how embarrassing that is, so we thought we'd come back and-"

The man who'd taken Loh'ran's place after Loh'ran shrunk himself stepped forward. "You are not welcome here."

I tightened my grip on my gun. "Yeah, well, that's never stopped us before." SG-6 took their cue from me and assumed a combat ready stance. Laser-guided hole-punches or not, they were outnumbered. "I'll make a deal with you. We're much better aiming our weapons than you are, so we'll promise not to use them if you give us some of your happy pills."

The men looked confused and I noticed that they didn't bother to check with each other to see if anyone else was confused. Now me, the first thing I do when someone says something I don't understand is look around to see if someone else gets it and can explain it to me. Not them. "I am unaware of the existence of any such thing. You will be escorted to the woods and asked to leave. Do not return again unless you are leaving your friend with us."

As the guys were turning around, I motioned for SG-6 to block the exit. Daniel and Teal'c took flanking positions. When they turned back to me, I just smiled my smug little I'm-in-charge smile. "I want some of whatever you gave Carter and I want it now." I let the anger I felt over the mere notion that I'd leave Carter with them bolster my voice until I was convinced I sounded quite authoritative and very, very angry.

Now that time, they group actually looked among themselves. Finally, their leader stepped forward with an even smugger grin than I had. "You wish for true happiness."

I gritted my teeth. "Yeah, sure, you betcha." Daniel snickered. I glared at him. "What? Don't I look happy already?"

The men bunched together and quickly discussed it. They turned back to me; each one grinning happily. "We will retrieve the necessary substance." SG-6 begrudgingly allowed them to leave. I wasn't about to let my guard down - it seemed far too easy.

Daniel approached me as soon as they were gone. "Jack, you're not actually going to eat that, are you? I mean, I don't think I want to know what you were like at three."

Teal'c stepped closer as well. "While I am certain you were less troublesome than major Carter as a child, O'Neill, if you become a child yourself, there will be no one willing or able to care for Major Carter."

"Do you guys really think they're going to hand it over if I explain it's for the express purpose of counteracting it?" I didn't have any intentions of ingesting it, but I figured pretending I wanted some was the easiest way to get my hands on it. Although, once I thought about it, I realized I really wouldn't have minded being three-years-old again. Especially not if I got to spend my days playing with Carter.

Teal'c nodded, seemingly agreeing with my plan. But then he moved in front of me as though to stand guard. "In the interests of preventing the inadvertent destruction of the SGC at the hands of a young Major Carter, I will not allow you to become compromised." I thought I was mortified at the idea of Teal'c protecting me, but then I realized true mortification - the members of SG-6 were laughing openly at me. Teal'c's well meaning words had single-handedly destroyed any credit I could take for being a leader.

I shoved him to the side, even less pleased when I realized Daniel was snickering too. "Knock it off!"

Daniel tried to fight back the smile. "Jack, it's not you. It's the fact that Sam's going to be the death of all of us if we don't get her back to normal soon."

We were interrupted by the men returning. One of them stepped forward, holding out a small vial of liquid. He smiled irritatingly at me. "We will wait for the transition."

I took the vial and carefully slid it into my pocket. I pretended not to see how everyone watched me do so. "Actually, guys, I really do want true happiness and world peace and all, but I'd rather experience it on my own planet. Thanks, though."

Another one of the men stepped forward and I realized he bore a striking resemblance to Loh'ran. "You will now return Samantha to me."

It wasn't just a striking resemblance. It was Loh'ran. And even more irritating, the bastard still had designs on Carter. "I most certainly will not!" I grabbed the guy next to Loh'ran by the collar. "You told me it was permanent!" I didn't actually know which one of them told me it was permanent. They all looked the same to me.

At least the guy had the sense to look frightened. "Multiple administrations are required for a permanent change. Most of our citizens prefer to try it before they commit to the change." He looked down and for a brief second, he seemed almost remorseful. "We had hoped that you would have no use for Samantha as a child and therefore leave her with us."

Fury wouldn't allow me to let go of him. "Are you telling me that she's just going to go back to the way she was?"

"She will be the same as before, however she will always long for true happiness unless you return her to us."

I shoved the guy out of my way. "I absolutely do not believe this!" I actually stomped back through the town. I was fairly certain everyone else was stomping too, even the hole-punch security detail was stomping, although that might have just been the way they were trained to march. I couldn't really stomp through the woods, the underbrush was too thick.

Few people bothered to break the silence as we made our way back to the gate; everyone was annoyed at the waste of time. I had a feeling that Carter was going to hear about that one too - the mission that wasted the resources of three SG teams because someone had a crush on her.

Eventually Teal'c broke the silence as he moved quietly beside me. "I believe you are angry about more than the wasted time on this mission, O'Neill."

"Good catch." I rolled my eyes at him, hating how one look from him could get me to spill things. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's going back to being Carter, but-"

"You will miss the affectionate nature she had as a child." Oh, how I hated the way Teal'c caught on to everything.

"Yeah." It wasn't just that, but I didn't want to get into it.

"You will also miss the Tauri's acceptance of your affection for her."

I glared at him for a moment, wishing he would be weak enough to smile at one-upping me. But no, he kept on pretending he didn't love throwing me for a loop. "You're supposed to be affectionate with kids, Teal'c. It's how you keep them from growing up to be mass murderers."

Teal'c nodded, giving me no indication that he was about to throw another one at me. "Are you not also supposed to be affectionate with your mate?"

I glared at him again. "It's against the rules, Teal'c. You know that." I froze for a moment after I answered, realizing that I'd disputed the wrong thing. "She is not my mate."

That time, even Teal'c couldn't stop himself from gloating. By not immediately denying that Carter was mine, Teal'c thought he'd won some point - like no one had ever tricked me into admitting my feelings for Carter. Teal'c seemed to be under the impression that if I admitted it enough times, then I would be free to act on it.

I hurried my pace to get away from him. Regardless of how many times I explained the situation, Teal'c never quite understood it. And the more I explained it, the less I understood it - certainly the fact that I'd never acted on my feelings didn't change the feelings themselves. And certainly the military would have a hard time enforcing rules that prohibited emotions.

SG-9 seemed almost disappointed at our quiet victory. They're just one of those teams that doesn't believe success can be achieved without shooting people. I stood by sullenly while they dialed the gate and sent through the code. I was the first one back through, tramping down the ramp with a scowl on my face.

General Hammond was waiting for our report. "Colonel, I didn't expect you back so soon. Was the mission a success?"

I nodded. "Yes, sir. I held up the vial." Anise took it eagerly and I could only imagine what she was thinking.

"Very good, Colonel."

"Actually, sir, it really doesn't matter. Apparently they told us a little white lie about the effects being permanent. They said it will wear off on its own."

"Then why in God's name did they say it was permanent?" The general looked truly baffled.

"They wanted to keep her, sir. They thought we wouldn't want her back if she was going to stay a kid."

The general shook his head; I think he was as disappointed as I had been. "We'll have to postpone the debriefing for a short while."

"Why, sir?"

Daniel stepped up beside me, ever more observant than I. "General, where's Sam?"

Sure enough, when I looked around, I saw no signs of her. I would have thought she'd be attached to the general's leg or eagerly awaiting my return. I turned back to face Hammond in time to catch his grimace.

"Sam wants to go to the zoo."

Daniel and I looked at each other in confusion. The zoo was simply far too terrestrial a request for Carter. "The zoo, sir?" I was convinced he was hiding something.

Hammond looked down for a moment and took a deep breath, summoning his strength. "Yes, Colonel. She wants to go to the zoo. And she's barricaded herself in the armory until you agree to take her there."