Surviving Stephanie Chapter 17

Note: … Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine.

Disclaimer: Take what you can, give nothing back. Unless Janet specifically asks for him. … okay okay, so we're not taking Ranger or the Plum Universe. They are Janet's because the lawyers say so. Remind us to include a T-Rex eating one of them in here somewhere. The idea of which belongs to someone else too. Damn.

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"Boy, that was something," Albert was saying an hour later as we pulled into my parking lot. Stephanie's parking lot. Our parking lot… hell, the parking lot attached to the building in which the body I was residing in lived. Sometimes the English language just has no words, you know?

"I've never seen a movie star up close. And especially naked ones. I didn't look too much did I? I mean, you couldn't help looking could you? Even you looked, right?"

I gave him a Look. "I didn't get down on my knees to look at the pubic hair thunderbolt," I said. Just speaking the words gave my stomach an unhealthy lurch. How many years of therapy before I got that image out of my head? Or the fact that one of the girls had asked Vinnie something about a duck. I thankfully hadn't caught it, but Vinnie and naked women and the word duck all being present…

I closed my eyes as I put the car in park and wondered if it would be frowned on if I put one of those shock collars on Kloughn to stop him from talking. It made the neighbors' dog stop barking…

Reluctantly I walked Albert to his car, mainly for the pleasure of watching him leave. I took a deep breath as his car angled out of the lot. I hadn't killed him, or anyone else. I was doing good. Sure I was going to have flashbacks of large flabby nakedness… and I could never ever think of lightning bolts without a shudder of horror… and I wasn't sure I could handle ever seeing anyone naked ever again… but other than that, I was fine.

I turned to go into the building and yelped as I bumped into something. A tall, muscled something in black. "Ranger! Don't do that!" I growled. He smiled.

"Big date?"

"It has been a very strange day." I stepped back and walked around him. I was definitely in a state if even running into Ranger wasn't waking up my hormones. Possibly I had just had my entire sex drive killed off.

"How strange?" he asked, following me. Have you ever had a very large muscley, dangerous commando follow you? Try not to. It's freaky.

I stopped and turned to look him in the eyes. "I got Vinnie to go after Bender with me and Lula. And Albert just kind of showed up… anyway, we went. And we thought they were watching a porno movie, so we busted in," I paused to gather my courage, ignoring the amused glitter in Ranger's eyes. "Actually Lula busted in the back and then… then all these naked guys came running out the front, right past Vinnie and me." I shuddered.

"And there was this really big fat one… anyway… yeah, they were making a porno, not watching one. The girls knew Vinnie. One of them asked him about his duck…." I gulped and closed my eyes. Ranger actually tilted his head back and laughed.

So happy to make a guy laugh. Not really. I was in a very anti-male mood. I did smile a little, realizing that I had giggled hysterically when I read it. Read. Not lived. Janet is a demon.

"So, is this a business call? Or are you feeling social?" I asked.

"I'm on my way home from a job," he said with a shrug.

"Ah, the elusive Bat Cave…." I paused and frowned a little. There was something sort of meaningful… some kind of moment that was supposed to happen here. But I couldn't remember it. All I could think of was the Rubber Ducky Song. Blech… Add Sesame Street to the list of things what would never be the same. I glanced at Ranger again, closer this time, which was hard in the tricky lighting of the parking lot.

He looked hot, dangerous… and a little tired. I wondered what could have happened on a job to make him feel like checking up on Stephanie.

The next thing I knew I was hugging him. I think I shocked him almost as much as I shocked me. I mean, making a sudden move for him should have gotten me knocked on my ass or something. At least that's what I would have figured, but instead I got hugged back. As I stepped away, I sighed in relief. I guess I'd made a good decision, even if Ranger still was looking at me a little sideways.

"Looks like you could use some body work on your car," he said. And Stephanie thought he wasn't a human male.

I almost laughed, and felt myself break into a grin. "Long story. Abruzzi put these giant mutant jumping spiders in there while I was at the mall… I figured Jack would have told you all this- he got paranoid when I got a call at the restaurant asking if I liked the spiders." I mean, since he was ready to send up the Bat Signal… Ranger shrugged.

"Haven't seen him today."

Some girls would push this remark, would have wanted to know why. Most times I would have been among them. However, I knew Ranger had had a stressful day and he still had guns on him. Discretion is the better part of valor you know. Speaking of which…

"Well, as long as you're here, want to come up for a glass of wine or something? No Vulcan Mind Probes, I promise." I smiled and hoped I looked charming and guileless.

"Are you inviting me for more than wine?" Ooh, I know this conversation!

"Kind of." I said, keeping my eyes wide and bambi-like. Look how cute I am, you know you want to make sure I don't get killed…

"Let me guess, you want me to make sure your apartment is secure?" Ranger sounded amused… and faintly, very faintly, resigned. Poor guy, a girl finally wants him for something besides sex, and instead specifically wants not sex. If I was still around for his birthday I was going to get him a plaque that said 'Be careful what you wish for.'

"Yeah, if it isn't too much trouble."

He beeped his car locked- SUV this time- and we went inside. When we got up to the second floor he took my keys and opened the door. He flipped on the lights. Rex paused to wiggle his whiskers at us.

"You should teach him to bark," Ranger said before he set off to prowl through the apartment. I glanced at Rex and shook my head.

"You're a perfectly good watch-hamster, Furby," I said as I dropped another raisin to him. I wasn't sure how often you feed hamsters, but I figured as much running as he did, he deserved to be fed.

I met Ranger in the hall. "No snakes, no spiders, no bad guys," he said, then reached out and grabbed the collar of my jacket and pulled me toward him, brushing his fingers lightly against my neck. "You're running up a bill. I assume you'll tell me when you're ready to settle your account."

I tilted my head and looked at him, suddenly curious. It didn't' help that my hormones were apparently still running for Katmandu, and even the sudden proximity to his yumminess and the very sexy look in his eyes weren't doing much. I got a warm thrill but it just wasn't the usual melting-bones heat wave. I maintain the odd lack of hormones as my defense for my attack of insanity.

"Oh, Ranger," I sighed, opening my eyes wide, looking dazed and happy. "Tell me again about annual percentage ratios…."

Ranger blinked and I tensed my muscles, half ready to duck and run. Then he did exactly what I didn't expect. He laughed. Real, full out laughter. I mentally sighed with relief and allowed myself a real smile.

"You have cuffs, right?" he asked, grinning. My turn to look momentarily blank, as my hormones made an encouraging although badly timed rally, and then my mouth went right off without my brain again…

"Fuzzy or real?" I clapped a hand over my mouth but it was too late, the damage was done. "I mean, no, no I don't… I'm cuffless."

"Fuzzy cuffs, babe?" Ranger arched an eyebrow and smirked. Fuck me… Um, wait, no, don't… damn it. So screwed… Play it off, play it off….

"Everyone has fuzzy cuffs," I said with a careless shrug, ignoring the blush I could feel start to creep up my neck. Ranger's knee touched mine.

"Everyone?" He was close, and my damned hormones had decided to go into full battle mode. Every circuit in my brain was beginning to short out…

"Sure. Jade has cheetah print, and 'Nee has pink fuzzy, and I have the black pair and Mary has the zebra stripes and…" Oh god damn it. I'm going to beat myself for this one… "I need a drink. How about you?"

"You have black fuzzy cuffs?" Ranger asked, looking very intrigued. I took and deep breath and pushed away from him, attempting to disengage his hands from my jacket collar.

"Sure. Less tacky that zebra print and they match everything that way. Don't you just hate it when the props clash? I'm dizzy. I need a drink."

Ranger looked like he had a number of things he could have said. I didn't wait to hear them. I hurried back to the kitchen and pulled out the wine I'd seen stashed away and found the set of wine glasses that I'd found when I'd been looking for food at some point.

I took a large gulp from my glass while mentally calling myself every word for stupid I could think of in English, Spanish, German, and even the one Japanese word I knew. Baka. I wonder if there's a Japanese word for 'Completely brainless.'

"Babe," Ranger said as he entered the room, "If I assured you we would remain friends, would it-" I eyed him cautiously and handed him his glass.

"Would it stop me turning into a gun-shy colt? Possibly." Not. I know what happens afterward, you see. I know you aren't going to disappear. But I'm not me, and you're you, and so I don't think we should do the us thing… "But as much as I trust you, society here still has a very narrow concept of friendship and intimacy and how the two go together. Maybe I'm just nervous about going so much against the societal norms." Ah, I owe my soul to freshman psych…

Ranger had an unreadable look on his face, but he nodded and took a sip of his wine. I downed the rest of my own glass, poured myself a second one, and gestured to the living room.

"How about TV? I'm missing NCIS."

"Feeling better?" he asked as we settled onto the couch.

"Huh? Oh yeah. I've almost gotten the image of the fat naked guy out of my head."

"Babe," Ranger sighed.

"Find NCIS and pray Mark Harmon distracts me, or I swear I'll start giving you details." He gave me a look.

"I could tell you worse." Hah, right buddy. You might have been in the army, but I've been at a Tau Kappa Lumber Party. Four of 'em. I grinned at him.

"Hey, this could be a fun game for stake-outs…"

"Let me know when you're not dizzy," Ranger said.

"It was the handcuffs that did it," I told him.

"And I thought it was thinking of me naked." I laughed at that.

"Normally maybe, Mr. Ego-tastic, but sorry if I've had more than enough naked men for today."

Ranger shook his head and pointed the remote at the TV. "So what's allure of Naval Criminal Investigations?"

I laughed and poured myself a third glass of wine. "You're so going to be hooked. Gibbs is your kindred spirit." Which reminded me… if this was fictitious and in an alternate universe and time line, why was it still the year I was from and why were my favorite TV shows still real? And did I care as long as I still got my Gibbs and Abby fixes?

I glanced sideways at Ranger. He was in SWAT gear, although the gun belt had been discarded at some point, but he still had the Navy SEAL watch and a gun at the small of his back. With his hair slicked back and the shifting lights of the tv on him, he looked like a living action figure. One that had some kind of alter ego as a jungle cat.

"Now what are you thinking about?" he asked finally. I smiled and shrugged.

"Just wondering when your birthday is." Ranger's eyebrow raised, but he answered.

"March 12."

"Good to know," I said and turned my attention back to the screen as the music for NCIS started. At least we weren't watching basketball. That was too weird. I was aware of him watching me now, could almost feel it actually, but then Gibbs was on the screen and I went into my own Zone.

After the second or third time I yawned I realized maybe I should slow down with the wine since I hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours. A moment after that realization, it also hit me that I was drinking an awful lot lately. Then again, I thought switching bodies or falling into alternate universes probably gave one solid grounds for alcohol consumption. And it wasn't like I was re-enacting finals week. Yet.

And I hadn't stolen a police car. That was a good sign, I decided. I pulled my feet up under me and settled back into the cushions. Stephanie's couch wasn't designer, but it was comfy.

"How is someone like her working in the Naval crime lab?" Ranger asked as Abby came onscreen. I shook my head.

"No idea. How am I a bounty hunter?"

The corners of his mouth quirked, but he was smart enough not to offer a retort.