Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter...

A/N: Onto the next chapter!

Evil for Dummies

Lesson 5: Romance of Evils

A rose in a patch of thorns, that's how some men describe women when trying to capture their hearts. Women on the other hand, gossip and use their girlfriends to hook up with a guy they think is 'hot'. Evil Romances exist merely for the purpose of existing, because most say love for evils isn't possible, but time and time again it has been proven untrue. To say the least, there are unsuccessful times when capturing the hero's lady or the heroine's man as the case may be and trying to make them fall for the evil, is one of the most unsuccessful practices that exist within the evil doctorate. However, finding someone not attached to the hero of the escapade and making him or her fall deeply in love with you before she or he even sees the hero is a hard thing to do as well.

"Tell me what else is new," Snape muttered.

There are catch-phrases people think to use when attracting their potential mate, but most of them should be forbidden because they may seem original, but as they're called, pick-up lines, these hardly ever work. A few of these all evils should neglect saying at all include:

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together"

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

"How was heaven when you left it?"

"Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine"

"If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever" (Note: This is one of the sweeter ones but a pickup line nonetheless)

"Hello, are you taking any applications for boyfriend/girlfriend?"

"Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?"

"Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

These are merely a few of the many selections of cheesy lines you can use to get your future husband/wife/lover.

"I've never heard most of these..." Severus muttered, "But then again I'm old as people tell me..."

Of course there are other things to consider when searching for that special someone. Evils have a special way of winning someone's heart that is just adorable!

1. Going out on a date? Don't bring Red Roses, but Black ones!

2. Nothing is better than chocolate, dark chocolate... as dark as your soul...

3. Wear hot pink unless you are serious about the relationship

4. If you're serious about the relationship, wear neon orange.

5. Regard 3-4 as wear on occasion and you don't have to wear it all the time

6. If you're going to propose, make sure the ring has a design of a snake, skull or etc, unless you're one of those sappy types.

7. Never tell a girl your plans for world domination

8. Never tell a girl where your nemesis lives

9. Never tell a girl where you keep your 'secret' base unless it is the bedroom

10. Never tell a guy (this is for girls) where you keep your leather outfits

Of course there are so many more tips but these are most important if you want to win the love of your life!

"I think this isn't telling the truth..." Severus said, "I never heard any of that before..."

Once you've met that woman of your dreams, woo her with your tales of evil victories, remembering to leave out the plans for world domination whenever possible. Always look into her eyes and call her amazing, and for girls to guys, look into his eyes and call him hunk.

This now brings us to pet names. While normal pet names for couples include, honey, dear, sweetie, you want to be totally original when coming up with the names, such as calling her "My Demonic Angel" and him "My little Bad Guy". Pet names have been used for centuries and sometimes they're too good to waste. Of course, pet names can also have the opposite effect if you use them to early in the relationship, so have patience to see when you should start using pet names.

Finding where you can pick up your dream guy or girl is another matter, up to this point we thought all evils had themselves a girlfriend or boyfriend but we know that's just not true. Bars, Nightclubs, and Dance Clubs are all wonderful places to search, but also look in the brainier areas of society, Museums, Libraries, and the Zoo. You'd be surprised the amount of girls and guys you find there that are smart and witty too, sometimes having a smarter mate is the way to go, it can help you or hurt you, so take caution with it as you go about your business.

"I never tried a bar," Severus said thoughtfully, "But then again I've never tried a museum either..."

IMPORTANT: Treat your woman or man with respect! You can't just go killing them if they want to dump you because you act like a real jerk. Sure, treat your minions that way but leave your girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife out of it, you don't want to have them hate you... it hurts you emotionally if you like them but they don't like you... and then your plans screw up... badly... And even if it doesn't screw you up, god, you should know better! Treating someone you wanted to like as if they were dirt just isn't proper! Evils have manners too you know so use your head (the one above the waist) and think straight!

This concludes this lesson.

Lesson 6: Minions (What Willy Wonka didn't tell you about the ompa-loompas)

TBC

A/N: Well that's all for this chapter. I'm sorry if it sucked, oh well, I only wrote this one on a whim! Review if you want, but flames will be used to roast marshmallows for those that like my stories!