Surviving Stephanie Chapter 18
Disclaimer: It was just a maddened crocodile hidden in a flowerbed. It could have happened to anyone…
Note: Would you like a cuppa tea? Yes, we're all feeling a bit random. You're warned.
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I woke up the next morning on a couch I didn't recognize, covered with an equally unfamiliar blanket. My mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. So did my head. I felt a moment of distant, foggy panic forming before I remembered the night before.
Crap. That didn't help.
I had told Ranger about my black fuzzy cuffs. That Stephanie didn't own. And I had passed out in the middle of my favorite show. Now I'd have to wait until the reruns to find out who the serial killer was!
I was still sulking over this when the phone started ringing. Muttering many colorful curses I stumbled upright and more or less careened across the room to pick it up. Thankfully the answering machine kicked on, at which point I decided my time would be better spent in the shower. No one could possibly be more important than me being semi-functioning. I never claimed I was a great humanitarian.
I left the machine to do my dirty work and headed off for the bathroom. When my eyes could finally focus and my skin was getting very wrinkly, I figured I was as good as I was going to get. I dressed in one of Stephanie's lower-slung jeans and a stretchy tee and headed out the door, my mind already working on whether or not I'd have any more skips to chase and whether or not Mac might take it a little easier on me today.
I was halfway to the office when my cell phone rang. I glanced at the LCD and gritted my teeth. Grandma Mazur. Oh lovely. Peachy keen. Just how I want to start my day. I debated ignoring it, but I didn't want to have Stephanie's family hunting me down. God knows what might happen if they called out whatever side Vinnie had come from.
"Well, Ms. Snotty," Grandma Mazur snapped as soon as I connected. "I don't suppose you've heard about the fire?" I sighed.
"No, I hadn't heard about a fire." I refrained from taking the more obvious bait. Railing at these people about accepting emotions and healthy outlets for them wasn't going to get me anywhere. Maybe I could introduce them to some of Mama's less-fruity New Age books later. Anyway… I didn't remember a fire being scheduled in this book…
"Steven Soder's bar burned to the gr-"
"Oh! Soder's bar! Yeah, that one. His partners, right? Or was it—crap, I have to go. Thanks Grandma!" And I flipped the phone shut, tossing it to the passenger side, as I turned into the nearest Mickey D's parking lot. I had to consult the map to figure out where Soder's bar was.
Or did I? What had Steph found at the bar? I bit my lip as I stared down at the maze of colored lines and dots. My memory of details for this book was not nearly as clear as my memories of the more recent ones. I'd liked number ten and nine a lot better. Ten mainly because of that one scene… I wondered how long I would be here. Would it be me playing out that scene eventually? Would it be me living through the Hunt of the Internet Geeks or the Junkman? Would it be me living through this whole Abruzzi incident?
I sat back, staring at the map now without seeing it.
So far, I had sort of played by the rules. I had my own sidelines, but I had followed what Janet had laid out. After all, that had gotten Stephanie through alive. Or it would. Could I risk jumping ahead? Or jumping ship altogether?
Then again, as everything kept reminding me, I was not really Stephanie. And if I wasn't Stephanie, would Janet's plot still see me through safely? So many possibilities. I rubbed my temples and looked up at the McDonald's. Might as well get the Cure while I was here. Maybe the caffeine would help me figure out my next move.
Coke and fries in hand I sat once more in the CR-V and stared at the maps and files spread out on the passenger seat. Nope, it wasn't helping. I sat the fries down and slurped the Coke. Now, if this was me being me… what would I do?
I would piss off Janet to no end is what I would do. I thought about that. I thought about the list of Evil Things that was growing in the back of my mind. I thought about all the things I'd read in the books and wanted to change. Not just the way Joe and Ranger treated Stephanie or the way she ate. Oh no, I had other things that bugged me. Things that, done my style, would drive Janet to distraction.
Assuming she was somehow in control here or was even aware of what went on, but that still didn't change what I was thinking. I need to write this down…
I grabbed the file that held Bender's paperwork and a pen from the glove box and started writing. This would be the To Do list from the 9th Dimension.
The third item on my list was the most troublesome. I could sign up for shooting lessons at a gun club or something, maybe even just flat-out ask Ranger or Eddie, and dating life was no hardship to me. Marijuana was easily found. If events kept going in book-order regardless of what I did, well that other thing was the least I could do for girls everywhere, and the last was not something I was ready to think about now that I had the possibility for so much mayhem at hand, but the third thing… that was tricky.
I could possibly just not do what Stephanie had done, but that meant this book wouldn't end… unless of course Ranger was going to do what Ranger did no matter what. And I thought about that. Since I was the one here it was not Steph's fault or even Janet's if Ranger killed Abruzzi. It was mine.
On the other hand Abruzzi was a monster. A terrorist of sorts. I thought about that, and I thought very carefully about the book and the events that had gone on. I was not Stephanie.
I munched a handful of fries and pulled out of the McDonald's. I had to stop by the office to pick up that stuff on Evelyn because I forgot it the day before. And I was going to be late to the dojo.
"You don't look so good," was the first thing out of Lula's mouth when I walked in. I switched directions mid-stride and headed for the bathroom to do a quick check in the mirror. She was right. I looked slightly dead. Pale complexion, dark circles, very much morning-after chic.
Thank god I had had Mr. Alexander do the straightening or I probably would have been looking mostly dead in a Bride of Frankenstein sort of way. I scrounged through Stephanie's ugly black Coach purse (oddly one of the few things I had no problem referring to as strictly Stephanie's) and dug out some concealer.
"Yeah, I guess I went a little heavy on the wine last night," I called out to Lula and Connie who were watching me through the door with looks of eager curiosity.
"Wine? So, who was he?" Lula asked. "That hot Jack guy? Or you and Batman finally-"
"Yeah, it was Ranger. He stopped by when I was dropping off the Clown."
"Who?" Connie asked.
"Albert Kloughn. That goofy dough boy who came with us last night," Lula told her. "Anyway, what happened with you and Ranger?"
"Nada," I said, finishing off the concealment with a swipe of blue eyeliner and coat of mascara. I added a quick touch of lipgloss and declared myself 'As Good As it's Gonna Get.'
"You're kidding," Connie gaped. "You had Ranger. At your apartment. And wine. And you… didn't do anything about it?" I sighed and pondered this.
"I had just seen Albert Kloughn looking at a porn star's lightning bolt pubic hair and been flashed by any number of ugly, flabby, icky men. In the presence of Vinnie. And I know damn well Candy said something to him about a duck."
Connie shivered and crossed herself. "I could see where that might present a problem."
"Girl," Lula shook her head disapprovingly. "You take too long he gonna lose interest." I shrugged. I highly doubted Janet would be letting Ranger lose interest any time soon.
"So, you have that file on Evelyn for me?" I asked Connie.
"Right here," she said, holding it up and waving it. I took it and started paging through.
"Great, thank you so much, Connie. I gotta run or I'm going to be late to the dojo. I don't think I need to give Mac any additional reasons to kick my ass, so I'll take it." Of course, if I went according to the plan formulating in my head, I wouldn't be getting my ass kicked at all today…
Lula was staring at me. "You going to a dojo? Ain't that like a gym?"
"Just learning a little self defense moves. Can't be a badass bounty hunter if you can't kick the crap out of the bad guys."
"You hate gyms," Connie told me. I frowned and looked at them both. They were staring at me like I had three heads. Crap, think fast, think fast…
"You haven't seen Mac," I said as I turned to go. "Think Ranger's long lost cousin."
I glanced back through the window as I climbed into the SUV and smiled as I watched them both pausing to fan themselves with folders. I looked down at the file in my own hands and sighed. I already knew that I wasn't going to find anything really helpful in Evelyn's file. Janet was never so easy.
A knock on my passenger window nearly made me jump out of my skin. I looked up and sighed when I saw the person looking through the class at me. A feeling of dread began to coil in the pit of my stomach as I unlocked the doors.
Joe Morelli slid into the seat. "You don't look so good," he remarked. "Looks like a hang over."
"Yup. Fries and the Coke are a dead giveaway, huh?" I took a moment to really look at him. He didn't look overly happy to be there. Good. Because just looking at him was making me feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I wished he would leave so I would have to.
"Have you heard about Soder's bar?" he asked.
"Oh, yeah. Let me guess, you can't find him now either?"
"How'd you?"
"Lucky guess. Besides, it seems like disappearing mysteriously is all the rage around here." I sighed, wishing I could disappear mysteriously back to my own world. Of course, I would miss Lula, and Mac, and Jack, and… well, this place had it's good points. Mainly they were people points, but they were entertaining nonetheless.
"You okay, cupcake?" Joe was giving me a funny sideways look. I was getting lots of those looks lately. I guess it happens when you switch personalities. I smiled at him.
"Just tired. Hey, I don't want to be rude, but I'm going to be late…."
Joe looked a little surprised, and just a very little bit hurt. "Late? Where you going?"
"To the gym. I'm getting some self defense training," I said smiling as I remembered our earlier argument. To my surprise Joe didn't look happy. His face clouded over and then suddenly went blank.
"You hate going to the gym."
"It's a dojo?" I offered, confused at the sudden mood swing. Did guys get PMS? Or maybe early menopause? Joe snorted.
"Whatever. Have fun, cupcake," he practically spit the word out and slammed the door. I watched him storm off across the parking lot. My head was beginning to hurt again. Why couldn't guys come with an instruction manual?
Well, I could worry about that later. Right now I had things to do. People to see, havoc to wreak, lives to endanger, and a favor to ask. I took a deep, cleansing breath and pictured warm, calming purple and white lights, letting all the negative energy flow out of me.
Now, let's see… what happens after Soder's bar disappears? Where's Dotty and Evelyn? I thought my way back through what I remembered of the book, really wishing I had reread that one more recently. I had skipped it, as always because I had been so disappointed in Janet's skipping of the RangerSex scene.
All that build-up, books and books of mounting sexual tension and then three bloody paragraphs. Honestly, it should have been a damned 140-page porno. I frowned just thinking about it until I realized once more that I would most likely have to actually live through that scene.
I wondered if maybe I would only remember three paragraphs worth. Would I just wake up the next morning and remember the book's passage word for word? Or would I really have amazing sex… and when would I find the time to write it down and post it to the internet?
Damn it, I was getting distracted again. I needed to focus today. I had to remember what came next… oh. Oh yeah! Camping! They went to that one camp ground. And then they stayed with a couple of Dotty's friends from work… and then they flew to Miami. But Ranger found out when they flew to Miami, so I figured that one was off my worrying list.
I grinned happily, thrilled with my memory banks and with the thought that I could now worry about the other things on my List. I was currently working on number one, and I had to get this one down before I even thought about number three, and hopefully it would also be most conducive to number two.
If Janet was watching, she was going to be very, very unhappy with me….
The phone chirped and distracted me from my evil plans. I hoped it was Jack, or maybe some other date-material. Something hot, Scottish, and funny would have been good. I wasn't sure why but I was very much in the mood to hear a comforting Scottish burr… although Mac did sort of have one come to think of it…
Anyway, the last thing I wanted was Grandma Mazur's voice, but sure enough there it was. "You gotta come over and see this," she said.
I sighed. I really didn't want to know. I really, really didn't. But I was a sucker, so I bit. "See what?" I asked, visions of ugly nakedness and rubber duckies dancing in my head.
"You gotta see for yourself," she insisted.
"Okay. I'm on my way to the gym right now… I'll drop by in a couple hours."
"We need you now!"
"Is someone in the emergency room?"
"No, but-"
"I'll be by in a couple of hours, Grandma," I said patiently. "My teacher is really hot," I added, hoping this would be understandable. "And single," I tacked on quickly. Well, I didn't know that but they wouldn't think I was totally gone, maybe…
"Oh. Well then, have fun. You need any rubbers you call me." I grimaced and suddenly wondered if flabby naked men were so bad comparatively. Ah, to be at home, where my grandparents never even kissed let alone mentioned rubbers… Think about The List, I counseled myself. Think about The List and all the fun you're going to have with it.
I breezed into the dojo, the prospect of a bit of immature mayhem having greatly lifted my mood, and I smiled as I saw Mac coming out of the main gym with a big burly black guy. A really, really big guy…
"Tank?" I asked as they turned to me. "Hey, how are you?"
Tank blinked at me, and I wondered if maybe Stephanie hadn't been accurate about him being kind of a muscle head. "Morning, Ms. Plum."
"Stephanie," I told him again. "Ms. Plum sounds like a teacher in a bad porno." Mac and Tank both grinned at that. Ah, I guess it doesn't matter what universe you're in, guys always know about pornos.
"Stephanie, then," Tank said. I smiled at him and looked at Mac expectantly.
"I'll be with you in a moment," he said.
"Thanks. See you later, Tank!" and I headed off for the locker rooms. I didn't change into my usual work out clothes though. I dropped my bag into the locker and headed back to the room to wait for Mac.
As it turned out, I didn't have long to wait before he came in. He took one look at my jeans and tank top and raised his eyebrows. I smiled, a little nervously. "I need a favor, Mac."
"I wouldn't have guessed."
I sighed and gathered up my nerves. "I was hoping you could, um, you could work with me on shooting a gun," I said it in a rush. "I-I don't like them and I've kind of put off working on it like I should have and now-"
"You have Eddie Abruzzi after you and it might be too late?" Mac sounded amused, and something else that I couldn't figure out. There must be a course for touch commando guys: 'Being Unreadable 101'. I just nodded and looked defeated.
It wasn't like I was the one who'd been putting off learning gun stuff. I didn't have this problem, and anyway, I knew how to shoot Daddy's hunting rifle. It's just that there was a lot of difference between that large, ancient, unwieldy old mammoth and Stephanie's/mine/our/the small sexy little handgun. Like I was pretty sure that you didn't brace it on your shoulder and look through a scope.
"Please Mac? I'll owe you forever and ever…."
Mac gave me a very long, searching look, then sighed and shook his head. "Not that long. Let's go, sweetheart." Yes, score!
I grinned and practically ran to go get my stuff. The realization he'd called me 'sweetheart' gave me a couple moments pause at the door to the locker room. Probably Stephanie would have taken exception to that, I realized belatedly. But I honestly didn't care so long as it wasn't a regular occurrence. I sighed and grabbed my bag. I'm not Stephanie, I reminded myself, and trying to be her isn't going to get me anywhere but driven slowly crazy.
If I wasn't already there…