Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the references in this story.

Evil for Dummies

Chapter 7

Severus turned the page, this was the second to last chapter of the book and soon he would be able to put his evilness to the test. This book helped him and now he would quickly rise to the top.

Chapter 6: Minions (What Willy Wonka didn't tell you about the Ompa-Loompas)

This is the foremost important chapter. What good is any evil being without witless beings to follow and attend to his every whim and order? Good evil minions include but are not limited to:
1) Orcs

2) Ompa-Loompas (only if you wish for a singing band of evil and lots of sugar)

3) Spirits (although they're taxing on the mind)

4) Humans (be careful on this one, be sure to pay them occasionally or make sure they're extremely afraid of you)

5) Skeletons (but they are easy to kill, must have a lot to be effective)

6) Any mixture of supernatural beings (again be careful)

7) Insert any evil minion name and/or pun here.

Collecting evil beings is an easy task. Starting a cult collects humans like flies to honey. Humans, above all are sometimes regarded as the best minions, because their critical thinking skills (if you're lucky to get the smart ones to follow you) come in very handy as you plan your evil deeds. The stupid ones are good henchmen and scapegoats. Supernatural beings can be messy and spells are often needed to control them. Orcs are created through a lot of evil magic and whole forests must be sacrificed in their creation. Spirits are taxing on the mind but are well used as spies and guards, the ability to make themselves invisible a useful asset. Skeletons are easily broken apart by a sword but if you turn them into a mixture of zombies along with skeletons the arms can be quite useful.

All minions are different from evil genius to evil genius. From the smart ones to the strong ones each serves a singular purpose, to help you achieve your goal of world domination or whatever evil plans you have in store for the world.

This chapter is so important because of the fact control over minions is essential. Finding minions is easy its control long after the fact that is a necessity.

To keep control over minions is simple so long as you take the time to consider how you keep them. If you began a cult dedicated to some god or purpose and get the people's ultimate devotion towards you you're basically set for life on that one. But be wary of this to create a cult with a lot of background and some basic truths, so when the good guys come they have to either work really hard to persuade otherwise against the truths you've given them or will be forced to take them down as they try to get to you.

Cults are well and good but good old fashioned force works wonders. You'd be surprised what a few guns or heavy machinery will do. Enticing weapon lovers with weapons guarantees loyalty or giving technology freaks technology works wonders as well. Hackers love challenges and if you give them that they are yours forever. Money also works well, payment towards mercenaries keeps them in line but lots of money is needed for that. Rich bad guys have an easy time with that.

Spells and potions also work wonders but one must be wary when counter curses and antidotes are available to the other side. Spells also wear off so have great stamina when it comes to magic to keep the spells with the ability to increase the dosage of magic used if necessary.

"Good thing I'm a wizard then," Snape muttered as he thought over the various spells and curses he knew. "I have excellent magical stamina and I know a fair amount of potions both legal and illegal."

Loyalty goes a long way. True loyalty comes with time and depends on how you treat your minions. If you treat them nicely and fairly they will hopefully respect you (although that is not always the case) and then when the time comes to defend you they will defend you to the death. Loyalty also comes well with family and close personal friends from years past. They work well but never use mothers in any of your evil plans. Mothers will most likely end up taking over the operation you are trying to carry out and carry it out on their own. Now while this is a much more successful rate of winning and the odds are great mothers by nature are overprotective and overbearing and if you ruled the world odds are your mother will be ruling it instead. Same goes on occasion for wives and lovers.

If you can't encourage loyalty, give fear. Striking fear into your minions by proving yourself to be all powerful or strong goes a long way and minions won't turn on you until they realize you're putting on a show or show some sign of weakness. This is mostly demonstrated by the good beings coming after you and starting to win a fight, battle or getting the better of those minions you need so badly.

Don't be discouraged by the fact there are so many minions or by the fact that not all of them would be willing to work for you. The reason there are so many means there's someone there to be a minion for every evil person in existence. That in itself most people forget and go overboard when trying to find minions. Although you can never have enough minions, be sure you can control them.

If you will turn to the final chapter, Encouragement and Courage, you will see a brief section of encouragement and a few final piece of advice.

Severus Snape turned the page eagerly, wanting to finish the book quickly.

Chapter 7: Some sad and final words

A few final words for those evils in existence always have courage. There can never be enough courage and willpower to succeed in being truly evil. People associate it on the good side but in truth it is the evils that need it and utilize it more fully to its best potential. It's easy to be good; it's hard to be truly bad.

Perseverance is your best bet towards being evil and if you remember what this book says, you will succeed. (At least, you will use your potential to its fullest extent.)

Look sharp, get your minions in line and find a woman. Weapons on hand are good too.

Now you are ready to go out into the world to be truly evil. It's great! Test out various methods and plans until you find the one that suits you. The reason there is no real section on plans is because there are so many not even this book could cover them all. So stay sharp and find your niche. It's easier to be evil than first believed.

Severus closed the book and ran his hand over the cover. Yes, these little hints and tips were something of use to him. He went to his desk and pulled out some paper and a quill. He began to write furiously about what he wanted to do, formulating a perfect plan. He didn't want world domination; he just wanted all his students to truly fear him.

…

All best laid plans suck. Severus Snape didn't realize that as he walked into his potions classroom. This time he was ready to make all fear him, especially Harry Potter and his little group of friends. His black clothes felt comfortable, lightweight and silky against him and he turned to face his class. Bursts of laughter filled the air and Snape glared at the students.

"What is so funny?" he asked, hand reaching for his whip. He didn't feel it on his side where it was supposed to be and looked down. All best laid plans suck. He didn't have any pants.

…

Alas poor Severus, twas fate he ended on such a bad note, for he failed to read the opening statement of the wonderful book Evil for Dummies. The opening disclaimer, the words all evil beings must know and understand.

"Always remember to wear your pants"

EL FIN!

A/N: Yea, I finished another one! I don't care if it sucked at all or anything I just wanted to finish it. Sorry if I disappointed anyone but I have a lot of other stories I gotta finish.