Surviving Stephanie Chapter 22
Note: Not sure if there are Priscilla's in Jersey, but if not just substitute the name of some other store specializing in fun sexy stuff. Also, there is a side plot/explanation that we can't decide on. So, everyone who's really enjoying this so far: Do you really want Alyssa totally explained or do you prefer her being a mystery/possible alternate personality? AND Would you object to Janet showing up in a fic? Think of this as a "Choose You Own Adventure" opportunity.
Disclaimer: Nope. This is still not making money and it's still not written by Janet.
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I must have finally dozed off because I woke up to the sound of yelling. Apparently someone, my guess being Mr. Plum, was hogging the bathroom. I pulled my duffle toward me to see what Morelli had thrown together for me to wear.
It's a matter of scholarly interest to me what a male, particularly one like Joe, would pull out of a girl's closet. After all, I think it was someone sort of famous who once said: "If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor." And if a college guy had been doing the packing I'm pretty sure that's about all I'd have made out with.
Surprisingly Joe had actually thrown in a couple pairs of jeans, the gray work-out pants, a couple (spandex) tees with (deep) scoop necks, and a (tiny) tank top. Well, I guess men matured after all. At least I'd be covered enough for polite company.
I waited for the traffic jam in front of the bathroom to die off before I went up to change. Valerie wasn't home yet, but then it was only about 8 am. I wouldn't have been up either if I'd had a choice. And since her night had almost definitely been more fun than mine, she deserved it.
An hour after the girls had disappeared to school and Mr. Plum was gone to work, a taxi pulled up and deposited Valerie. I noted that some other mysterious means had also deposited the CR-V in the driveway.
Val dragged herself into the living room and collapsed next to me on the couch. I handed her the coffee I'd been sipping. She looked like she needed it more than I did.
Mrs. Plum pounced as soon as she caught sight of her. "Valerie! Where have you been? Do you know what time it is? Do you know what your sister did last night? And what about-"
"Mom, please, not so loud. My head is exploding," Valerie whimpered. "I'm sorry about the time, Derek stayed late from work and we had breakfast… but oh my god, I'm never drinking again…" She took a sip of the coffee and shot me a grateful smile. I grinned back at her. I knew exactly how she felt. Well, about the hang-over.
"Derek?" Mrs. Plum went on point.
"Derek Lawson. He and I went to school together. He just recently went through a divorce- his wife took off with her aerobics instructor."
I raised my eyebrows. Valerie caught it and smiled mysteriously. Mrs. Plum crossed herself. Grandma Mazur's face lit up.
"Hot damn! That was fast work!"
I cleared my throat and asked Valerie if she might be up for a little job hunting after she showered. "And a quick trip to the salon," I added in a whisper.
Valerie was up and gone like a shot. Nothing like the prospect of pampering to cure a hangover. Except maybe the thought of sleeping with Ranger, I reflected, remembering Lula's reaction the other morning.
I let Valerie choose the salon we would go to, and it wasn't half bad. It was a little on the conservative side, but not as nearly as prissy as I'd have guessed. I decided to go for a wax and a manicure to fix the damage I had done the night before. The manicurist clucked and scolded me about chewing them. I thought briefly about telling her why I had been chewing them, but decided against it. As fun as seeing her reaction might be, I didn't want her to screw up my pretty pink polish.
As for the wax job, I bit the bullet and went for the Brazilian. I didn't exactly plan on following through with the more risqué part of this book, but should the opportunist present himself I wasn't totally opposed to the idea. I never said I was a moralist. .
After Val and I were buffed, polished, waxed, trimmed, and otherwise glorified, I bought a tanning package and then we set on my next quest.
"Tanning, Steph? But you don't' need it! You're not exactly pale…" Val protested in the car. I looked down at my arms.
It was true. I had a healthy light tan going on, when the books always made a point about Stephanie's fair skin. It was another question to add to the one I kept having every time I looked in the mirror and saw the blond highlights in my hair that weren't Stephanie's. I had had Mr. Alexander put some in, true, but there had been some before he did that, and my hair had lightened further since then. The third question on that list of oddities dealt with Stephanie's body's rapidly increasing flexibility and resilience. By all rights I should have been totally immobile after my sessions with Mac but I'd had only the barest touch of soreness.
"I've been tanning," I said to Valerie as the list of questions once more scrolled through my mind. "I just want to keep it up."
"You shouldn't! That stuff gives you wrinkles, and you'll get skin cancer."
"I don't tan very often, Val. That's people who do it every day." And I don't think I'll live long enough to worry about it, I added silently.
Val looked like she would have liked to keep arguing, but she finally pursed her lips and remained quiet. After a minute of silence she relented. "So where are we going now?"
I grinned evilly. "Priscilla's."
"Oh my god! Stephanie Plum you are not taking me into that- that-" Valerie sputtered.
"Then stay in the car," I shrugged. I had looked up the address in the phone book and checked the map. I was pretty sure I knew how to get there. And I was damned if I was going to be caught without my black fuzzy cuffs.
Through gods, grace, and probably a minor miracle I managed to navigate my way to Priscilla's cursing New Jersey drivers, stupid East Coast traffic, and drunken city planners the whole way.
That's it. I was going to have to get damned good at bounty hunting or marry someone really frelling rich, because come hell or high water I needed a chauffer. Or so help me people might die. Mainly that psychotic idiot in the green Camry that nearly merged into my passenger side…
Anyway, we made it in one piece. I bounced out of the car and looked at Valerie expectantly. Sure enough, she got out, albeit with the air of someone about to face a firing squad. I laughed at her pinched expression, grabbed her hand and pulled her inside.
I felt like having some fun so instead of just making a bee-line for their cuffs section I made a detour to the Girls section and picked up a Lady Bug.
"What do you think Val? This or…" I picked up a Hello Kitty vibrator, "this, for your bachelorette party?" Val obliged my inner demon by turning ten shades of crimson.
"I—I-I…Put those down, Stephanie!" she gasped. "I can't even believe you…"
"Val," I laughed, rolling my eyes, "You are great. You're so 1950's square!"
I left her then to go hunting for the handcuffs. It didn't take more than five minutes to locate them and I had in my eager little hands a pair identical to the ones from my previous life- shiny metal with their black furry cushions to prevent any unpleasant chafing. I eyed a set of silk ropes and debated whether or not I would ever find anyone to play with. On the other hand… people broke into Steph's apartment all the time. Wouldn't it be amusing for them to be tied up in kinky sex stuff? I giggled at the thought. That would have to bruise a criminal's ego to be fully clothed and furry cuffed…
Nah. But I made a mental note of interest in my head: Need to try Silk Ropes. Went right next to Chocolate Sauce and Shower Sex.
Instead I grabbed a couple smaller items and made my way to the checkout. I wasn't all that surprised to find Valerie had beaten me back to the car. I was surprised to see that she had a Priscilla's bag half hidden behind her seat. My jaw actually dropped and my eyes widened in shock.
Valerie sniffed. "I'm not… square," she said haughtily. I smiled.
"Prove it. What did you buy?" Our eyes met and locked. Valerie was the first to look away and she pulled the bag out and hesitantly opened it so I could see inside.
I clapped a hand over my mouth in a vain effort to stifle the laughter. Valerie blushed and quickly tossed the bag in the back.
"Val! I'm so proud of you!" I gushed. Hah, take that Janet! Maybe she isn't so prim and proper after all. "Your very first Lady Bug!" I actually leaned across and hugged her.
Val smiled hesitantly. "You're so weird." I smirked and held up my own bag.
"You have no idea, dahling. Here…" I dug through the contents of mine and pulled out one of my secondary purchases- another set of furry cuffs, this one cheetah print. "These are for you. Use them well, sis," I said solemnly as I handed them over. Valerie stared, dumbstruck.
"Everyone has fuzzy cuffs," I told her. "Everyone."
"But I- never.. I mean I don't—"
"You do know," I interrupted. "You're holding a set!"
"What if you lose the keys?" she squeaked.
"Nah, these are just for play," I told her. "Look," I reached over and pushed a small lever near the chain, releasing the cuffs, "Keyless entry!" We both laughed, and Val grabbed my bag to investigate the rest of its contents, apparently forgetting her own prudishness.
"Oh. My. God. Stephanie!" she yelled, thrusting the bag back at me. "I can't believe you got that thing!"
I giggled. "Believe it, Lady Bug."
"Don't make me hurt you," she said, eyes narrowed.
"My lips are sealed. How about some coffee?"
"I'd love it," Val said happily. We took off, heading for a Starbuck's I had spied on our trip from the salon.
We had just sat down with our orders, and I barely had time to recover from my first heavenly sip of iced caramel mocaccino when my cell phone started singing 'Johnny Be Good' Gods I needed to get Stephanie some better ring tones… I checked the caller id and wondered idly if Bailey's would go well in a mocaccino as I flipped it open.
"Hey cupcake," Morelli's voice was warm. I felt a stab of guilt. Grrr…
"Please, I hate being called a snack food." He just laughed. It was a really sexy laugh, and that just made me feel that much more irritated.
"I figured you'd be calling me with questions this morning," he said. I rolled my eyes.
"That's okay. I can live without the gory details." Seeing as I already know them.
"I need to talk to you. You're in the Starbucks on-"
"Are you stalking me?" I demanded.
"Eddie saw you and Valerie. I heard you were at Priscilla's too. Something I should know about, cupcake?" There was an edge in his voice now, not exactly accusing, more… ugh, dare I say it, but hurt? Again with the damned guilt. I hated feeling guilty.
"Nope. Just prepping for a proper re-bachelorette party." I heard him let out a long breath. Across from me, Valerie's eyes widened in horror. I shook my head and mouthed the word 'Joe'. She relaxed and began to look amused.
"I'll be there in five minutes." And he disconnected. I mentally calculated the odds of getting out of here unseen in five minutes or less. Not good. He probably had some undercover rookie or somebody tailing us. Or maybe I was just getting paranoid… then again, maybe Ranger wasn't the only one with a tracker on that CR-V. I made a mental note to ask if more than one GPS chip could go on one vehicle. I wasn't sure who I'd ask, but someone. Maybe Mac…
Crap. The dojo. I checked the time and breathed a sigh of relief. If I kept the talk with Morelli short and dropped Val at home, I'd make it.
"Well, he said he'd be here in five. Apparently we need to talk," I said resignedly to Valerie.
"Do you want me to make myself scarce?" she asked. I frowned and considered it. Soder's end was pretty gruesome. Val didn't handle gruesome well. Then again, judging from last night, I didn't either. But I could act.
"Yeah, Val. But time it, okay. Fifteen minutes max. Take my phone," I said, handing it over. Val looked at me sharply.
"You aren't- I mean you two, you aren't… with him anymore are you? I mean, not really?"
"No," I sighed. "He's a good guy, you know. It's just…" he makes me feel guilty and horrible about not being who he thinks I am.. ."stuff," I finished lamely.
As Joe walked in, Valerie excused herself to go make a call. I had a suspicion the call wasn't to Grandma or Mrs. Plum. I was betting the recipient started with a D and ended with 'erek.' I waved Joe over and he slid into Val's empty chair. He looked tired and just a little rumpled around the edges. Damn, if Ranger could set off a SWAT trend, Joe could have re-started the rolled-out-of-bed look.
"Want coffee?" I asked him.
"No. I think I'm over my quota." A beat of silence as I took a sip of my heart-stoppingly sweet beverage, then… "Two guys dressed in costumes carrying duffel bags and balloons were seen entering the lobby and using the elevator…"
"What kind of costumes?"
"One was a rabbit one was a…" Joe frowned like it actually pained him to say it, "teletubby." I snorted into my drink. Well, at least it was a sociopath with a sense of humor .I'd hate to be up against someone humorless. "No faces showing," Morelli continued, looking a little irked. "We found the balloons in your closet. They took the duffel bags with them."
"Huh, must have been Abruzzi. He's the only guy weird enough."
"Can you prove that?"
I rolled my eyes. Yeah right. As if dear old Janet would let this be that easy. "No but there is a connection between Abruzzi and Soder. I'd be willing to bet money just who Soder's new partner's were in that bar of his. Right?"
Joe nodded. "Soder lost the bar to Abruzzi in a card game." Always with the card games! Does no one lose things the good old fashioned bankers-and-contracts way? "Soder was playing with some high-stakes guys and needed-"
I tuned out the rest of the useless information. I really didn't care who or what Abruzzi owned. I cared about how to get Abruzzi dead. I didn't like the idea, and if I thought about it too much it was going to make me sick, but the law of the jungle is written into our DNA, after all. And it was harder to be scared of the boogie man in the broad daylight with massive amounts of sugar and caffeine to insulate me from the real world.
"Did you pick up any prints in my apartment?" I asked, when I thought he was done with his explanation. I was genuinely interested in the answer to this one- after all, with the odd physical changes going on, who knew what was possible in this messed up situation?
"None that didn't belong there. With the exception of Ranger's." I tensed my leg muscles and wondered whether I'd hit him in the shins or somewhere more delicate.
"I work with Ranger," I reminded him, smiling.
"I know." He didn't sound happy about it. I pursed my lips and considered my next topic. I could push the Ranger issue, but that would just make him yell and he wouldn't listen anyway. I could say something about the case but I rather thought he might start yelling then too. Here we go with discretion and valor again.
I sipped my mocaccino and waited for him to do the talking. While I waited I looked at him. God he was gorgeous, and nice… and he meant well. He was just in love with someone who wasn't here. And it would be so easy to fall in love with him, to just waltz off into the sunset and pretend…
"There's a detail we're not releasing to the public," he said slowly. I sighed. Janet and her penchant for the melodramatic again.
"Soder's heart was ripped out," I guessed. Morelli just looked at me.
"I'd like to protect you," he said quietly. "I could chain you to my wrist or lock you in the closet-"
In the end, I knew there'd be no dancing off into the sunset with Joe. Even if I had really wanted it and it wasn't the stress of being the target of a schizo talking. Because as much as Stephanie wasn't a part of the 'Burg, I was less a part of it. I was completely alien, unfit for assimilation.
"I don't suggest either," I said with a smile. "They wouldn't work, and I'd just get cranky." Besides, I'd been to Joe's house. Those walls were thin- I could probably kick out the back of the closet; and as for the chaining to his wrist, he'd be cutting his own arm off after thirty minutes of my bitching beauty queen routine.
Joe gave me a look. "Or you could pack off for an extended vacation." But his tone said he knew that wouldn't fly either. I shook my head sadly.
"Sorry. But you know distance wouldn't' stop Abruzzi. And in the end, you chaining me to you would just make you a target too." I reached out hesitantly and touched his hand. "Thanks for being so great last night," I added.
Joe slouched back in his seat and sighed. "Against my better judgement, I love you." I winced, and became interested in the texture of my mocaccino. I knew this conversation. I didn't like it. Maybe if I just didn't do anything… "Don't get all excited," he hurried on, "It doesn't mean I want a relationship."
My eyes flew up from the coffee in surprise… and relief. Thank god. But even though I wasn't Stephanie, even though I was just a stand-in that comment stung. He couldn't really be this… saying this… I licked my lips and took a deep breath before I said my line. "You could do worse," I said softly.
"With who? Lizzie Borden?" Ouch. That hurt. And I wasn't even the one it was aimed at. I pursed my lips and felt my leg twitch. Just one kick. Just one swift kick…
"You liar. You absolute fucking liar," I hissed, my eyes narrowing. The anger and rage were boiling up inside me. Everything I had wanted to say to Joe, to Ranger, to everyone in this whole stupid place, even things I wanted to say to my scum-sucking ex boyfriend were rising up. And I was just mad enough to let them loose.
Joe's eyes widened, and I took advantage of his moment of shock. "You don't love me. You don't love someone just when it's convenient. You don't deliberately hurt them – you don't say things like that. You don't manipulate them into being something they aren't.
"You are in love with an idea- the idea of the perfect Stephanie who lives in your head, and I am certainly not her. I never will be. And I won't try to be. You, Joseph Anthony Morelli," my voice was now carefully modulated to be a normal everyday conversation-level, "are never to say those words to me again. I don't believe them now and I never will." My eyes were cold, and so was my voice. I didn't care, I meant it. I never, ever wanted to hear another guy say he loved me. I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow…
Valerie poked her head in and waved. Fifteen minutes were up. I smiled, the anger melting back to wherever it was that it stayed. Most of it was vented out anyway.
"Well, I have to be going," I announced cheerfully, picking up my mochaccino and standing. Joe's face was becoming thunderous. "We can talk again later and I promise you can say everything you're wanting to say. But I'm late. So see you then!"
And I was off and gone. I had a self-defense class to get to, a seduction to avoid (or attempt to), and a tragic accident to design. I was going to have to get a PDA.
We were almost to the Plum residence when Val cleared her throat and looked at me cautiously. "Steph…"
"Yeah?"
"You said we'd start looking for Steve today…" Crap. I closed my eyes and thought my way through my day. There just wouldn't be time.
"Oh, Val, I'm so sorry… with the Soder case and him ending up dead on the couch-"
"No, it's okay. I mean, I know you're busy. It can wait…"
I bit my lip and looked at her. No, if it waited she would give up. We had to do something now… well, she had to do something, anyway…. An idea formed in my head. I looked Valerie over speculatively. Well, why not? It couldn't hurt. And it sort of fit in with my earlier evil scheme.
I pulled out my cell phone and a napkin from Starbucks. As soon as I parked in the driveway I scrolled through, found the number, and scribbled it onto the paper along with the name. "Here," I said, handing the napkin to Val. "Call him- Jack Ryan. He's going to be helping us. You can tell him about Steve and his business. Jack's a psychiatrist so he's good with the profiling. And I think he has some helpful connections to help track the worm too."
Valerie's face brightened. "Is he married?"
"Jack?" I asked, momentarily confused.
"No, Steve," she said, the sarcasm dripping. "Yes Jack!"
"Nope. He's single. In fact, most of the RangeMen guys seem to be single," I added the last.
"RangeMan… wait, he works for…"
"Yeah. And he's hot too."
Val was out of the car and in the house at a speed that was just short of breaking the sound barrier. I paused long enough for a moment of silence. Poor Jack, he might never forgive me. But you never know with these things.
Val and a Rangeman…
I got a picture of her on a date with Hector, at least as I'd seen him in my dream, and giggled all the way to the dojo.