Surviving Stephanie Chapter 26

Note: If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks." And there is your random quote of the day.

Disclaimer: … the daiquiri made us do it.

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I woke up at 5:30 am to a feeling of intense nausea. Since the Plum Circus did not come equipped with a friendly Mr. Bucket for these troublesome mornings after I was forced to run upstairs. When my stomach was finished with the spring cleaning, I jumped in the shower and went back downstairs to sleep the rest of the week.

Val appeared when I was halfway down the stairs. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just had a little too much rum last night."

"Mom's really upset." And I was expected to care because…?

"I know. I'll worry about it tomorrow," I drawled. "I'm going back to sleep now."

A hand on my shoulder woke me up from a pleasant dream involving Captain Jack Sparrow. "Parley?" I said quickly.

"Wake up, Babe," Ranger's voice was warm with amusement. "Time to go."

I frowned and opened my eyes to glare at him. "I have to get dressed… and go where?"

"I told you I'd be here at eight." Oh yeah, vague memory surfacing…

"Sorry. Okay, let me go get fully dressed and combed."

"You have ten minutes."

Sure enough, ten minutes later we were on our way. I had no make-up on, my eyes were red, I had a small nagging headache and I probably owed my life to whoever invented sunglasses. But other than that it wasn't so bad. Neither was Ranger's car. It was a black Mercedes with creamy leather interior. If I had to be running around with the hangover from hell, this was definitely a good way to do it. And there was even a McD's bag sitting in the front seat.

I slid in and glanced at Ranger, trying to picture him at McDonald's drive through. My imagination came back with an error message. Does Not Compute.Error 666. Please reboot Universe.exe and try again."Wow."

He smiled. "Eat your fries."

"Thanks, Ranger. You're the best." I smiled, leaned across the console to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, but he turned at the last second and it ended up a kiss on the lips- nothing quick about it. His lips brushed mine once, again, and I gently nipped his lower lip and pulled away. No, I wasn't being a tease- have you ever tried to lean across a console and gear shift and maintain a hot, burning, passionate kiss? Voice of experience talking, end it quick and relocate to the backseat or you're just asking for problems.

"Babe," Ranger's voice was rough and deeper than usual. I smiled and turned my attention to the French fries at hand. I munched on a few and stayed quiet. I didn't want to go through this though. It was pointless. I could have been home sleeping. But no, I was stuck doing this goose chase. Grrr.

Several minutes and miles later, I decided some speaking might be good. "Thanks for doing this, Ranger." Yes, thanks but no thanks. We aren't going to find anything. Let's go home and let Alyssa sleep. "It's really nice of you to help out the little girl."

"I'm not doing this for her. This is about your safety…" I tuned out the rest of the uncharacteristic Ranger Speechifying. He was worried. It was sweet. I wanted sleep. There just wasn't enough caffeine in Coca-Cola.

"But could you keep her safe if we find her?" I asked, stifling a yawn.

"Keeping you safe is more difficult… Nothing-"

"Short of locking me up in the Bat Cave?" I finished, bored with the favorite lines from the book popping up. "Thanks but no thanks. I've never been good with caves."

Ranger shook his head.

As I predicted, we didn't get much. They'd stayed with one of the friends, someone with the unfortunate name of Barbara Ann, and I got the Beach Boys stuck in my head the moment her name was mentioned. The only interesting thing was when we drove into New Brunswick, which turned out to be a college town.

Hey, I knew this scene! Kind of. Of course, I wasn't really worried about the scene. Seeing the college campuses and the people my age wandering around gave me a twinge. Homesickness. New Brunswick was a major college town, with two universities and all the accompanying things: cyber cafes, clubs, bars, taverns, shopping, pubs, street lights, bars… It was lovely, prosaic, and it felt safe and inviting. Tree-lined avenues, a few cobblestone streets could be seen jutting off from the main drag.

"Hey, Ranger, where did you go to college?"

"Rutgers, Newark. Joined the army after two years."

I turned to look at him, curious suddenly. I had lots of guy friends who'd done the same, and even more of my graduating class who'd skipped college and gone straight into the military. It was the only sure-fire escape from Steeleville, for one, and for two 9-11 had happened… "Why?"

"I was pretty tired of school. The army sounded like a good idea." I smiled at that.

"And it wasn't?"

"No, it was. Just not what I was expecting."

I did a few calculations in my head. "Desert Storm?" I guessed. He nodded.

"What about you?"

"Me?" Oh, crap… I shrugged. "I wasn't the model student. I kept my grades high enough to stay in the dance team and in theater, partied when I could, and any spare time after that was mainly for homework." Wow, who knew the past tense could hurt so much?

"Dance team?"

"Yeah," I smiled fondly. "The Coquettes."

Ranger smiled. "You were a coquette?"

"Shove it, greenie." I glared. Ranger laughed. Ah, remind me why I decided to be nice to him?

"The last woman on the list is at work, but her husband should be home…"

I nodded and looked attentive, my thoughts stuck back home. I had the uncomfortable sensation of missing my classes. Even Dr. Ferris's 'Oh my god,' I thought, suddenly horrified, 'I'm actually daydreaming of the dreaded Ferris tests… Someone help me…'

The husband was, surprise, at home. And he was, surprise, unhelpful. Yes they'd been there, no they weren't still there, no he didn't know anything else.

"Still one step behind, Sherlock," I sighed as we got back in the car.

"That's how it is with parental abductions."

"Yuck. I feel like I'm stuck in some Lifetime movie of the week. This is taking forever," I whined. Yes, whined. I'm not my most mature when lingering hangovers and boredom are combined.

"Sometimes these cases can take years." Ugh, Ranger humor.

"Don't tell me that. I'll be dead if that's the case."

"Babe."

"Or stuck in the Batcave," I amended, feeling a little guilty.

"Once you're in the Batcave it's forever." Well, if someone isn't Mr. Chuckles today…

"Right, and then I get to be Batgirl, I guess." I smirked.

"You'd look cute in a cape."

"Ranger," I said slowly, amazed at myself for what I was about to say, "be quiet and drive."

He laughed, real full-throated laughter. Must not kill Rambo…

We stopped and got lunch at a cute little mom and pop diner. Ranger paid. In fact, come to think of it, Ranger always paid. And he was sneaky about it. I don't think I even saw the check before it was paid for. I guess I should have gotten feminist about it and made mom proud, but I have explained before that I am a college kid and freebies are freebies.

I completely lost track of where we were but eventually I caught sight of a couple landmarks and realized we were heading for Stephanie's parents' house. "I'll have Tank drop off a car off for you. You can use it until you replace the CR-V, or until you destroy it."

"Thanks. I'll try not to get it blown up…. I must be murder on your car insurance."

"Not really."

I looked at him. He looked back at me. So there was one question answered. "Thanks Ranger."

We pulled up outside the Plum Circus to find Grandma Mazur on the front porch waiting. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," he said.

I grinned evilly. Now this line I knew. "She just wants to see you naked."

"I wish you hadn't said that."

I laughed at his expression. He looked pained. I patted his arm. "Cheer up, Buckaroo. It's hard being a stud muffin, but someone's gotta do it."

Ranger stared at me like I'd lost my mind. Which I probably had. I gave my best angelic smile.

"Babe, you sure it's good idea to bait me?"

"I don't care if it's a good idea or not," I said honestly, still grinning. "It's just too much fun to resist. You're so adorable when you get exasperated."

"You know, you used to be scared of me," Ranger sounded almost nostalgic.

I laughed, opening the door and climbing out. "You know you love it," I said as I shut the door. Okay, wow, I had lost it. It must have been the proximity to a college campus. Some sort of atmospheric change thathad altered my brain chemistry and caused temporary insanity.

It was freakin' fun, too.

I bounded up the steps to Grandma Mazur, who was holding a brown envelope. "I was walking home from the bakery and a green suv drove up. There was a teletubby driving. He told me to give this to you."

I took one look and all my fun, collegiate energy drained away. I accepted the envelope, nodding my understanding, and opened it with a growing feeling of dread. Janet Evanovich, you have one twisted little imagination.

The envelope contained photos of me on the Plums' couch, sleeping. My stomach was lurching around like a gymnast on crack. These were from last night, and even if they'd been using a zoom lens, the photographer had definitely been inside the house.

They weren't really good though- a little blurry, not a good use of lighting. Definitely amateur. I sighed. Of all times for my one semester of Photography to kick in. And I never understood why I had to have it either. I'm a marketing major for crying out loud…

Okay, stop it, Alyssa. Focus on the problem. You just got photographed without your knowledge. Which, granted, is one thing when you pass out at a party, but it's something else when you are somewhere that's supposed to be safe. Deep breaths, think calming thoughts. Panicking won't do anyone any good. Cleanse your chakras… purple light…

Now, you're supposed to call Morelli.

I thought about that one. Didn't sound like a good idea to me. If I called one of the other cops, I didn't even know what they looked like really, so that would be borrowing trouble. Crap.

"What is it? Looks like photos," Grandma Mazur said. I slid the pics back in the envelope and shrugged.

"Looks like a prank rabbit, Grandma. Just a sec, okay. I need to make a call." I flipped my cell phone out and dialed. It rang once.

"Yo."

"Ranger!" my voice sounded too cheerful. "Look, I pulled a total blond moment and I left my bag from the store in your car…."

"Babe?"

I glanced and Grandma and smiled. "Yeah, I know. I was hoping you weren't too far away yet? Maybe you could just bring it back?"

"Be right there." Disconnect. And this is why when I rule the world Batman will be forced to take phone etiquette.

"Whew, close call." I breathed a completely fake sigh of relief.

"He coming back?"

"Yeah. I caught him in time."

"So, what'd you do to your mother? She's been ironing all day."

"Nothing," I shrugged and looked at Grandma Mazur, square in the eye. "Ijusttold her I am not changing for any guy."

Grandma Mazur nodded. "Good girl. Never let anyone push you into someone else." She looked up and there was something serious and very un-Grandma-Mazur-like in her eyes. "Everyone thought I should marry your Grandpa, and so I did. But he was the most boring human being I've ever known." And there was an entire novel of history and emotions hidden in that single sentence.

I smiled and on a whim I leaned in and hugged her. She stiffened in surprise, though I chose to ignore it. "It wasn't all bad, though, right?"

"Oh no," she relaxed a little, back on familiar ground. "He wasn't so bad in bed at least. Had a real big-" Ranger's Mercedes pulled up to the curb. Thank god for Superhero Timing.

"Sorry grandma, we'll talk later!" I ran to the car and practically dove inside.

"What's up?" Ranger asked as I shut the door.

"I've got a problem." I handed him the photos. "I need to go back to th-my apartment," I said as he looked through them.

He slid the pics back in the envelope and handed them to me, his face grim and determined. You know those pictures of soldiers before they march into battle and take over small countries? Well, looking at Ranger, I began to have odd worries about Panama floating in the back of my mind.

"It's not safe."

Yeah, Professor Higgins, I know that. "At least no one will be in danger, except me and Hamtaro."

"Hamtaro?"

"You don't really want to know, do you?" I asked,laughing in spite of myself. Ranger's head moved vaguely to the side. I took it as a no.

"You're going to a safe house."

"No!" I said emphatically. "I am not going to a safe house because it would be your safe house. And that means you're getting involved and you'll be a target too. You have a lot more to lose, Higs."

"Babe-"

"I'll get a security system," I offered. "It'll be safe as can be."

"You won't get one installed this late today." True, it was kind of late…

"I'll call Mac. See if there's anyplace he can think of." Ranger's look went from small-country-danger to large-middle-eastern-country-danger.

"Stay with me," he suggested at last. I smiled and shook my head.

"Uh-uh. You aren't tricking me that easily. I'm not going anywhere near the Batcave."

"Thought you wanted to see it?"

"I do." I am after all, a screaming fan girl. "But I'm not sure I'm ready to become Batgirl."

"I meant the penthouse on Cameron." Oh, that Batcave.

Let's see… Penthouse or Super 8? Ranger or alone? Fun or pride? Yeah, you're right, stupid question.

"Okay."

Ranger was quiet for a minute. I think maybe he was shocked. "That was too easy."

I laughed at him. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." You never know who you might find.

Ranger was in his Zen Master state as we headed for Cameron Street. Interesting, because he was Zen-ing and I was busy scrubbing my chakra points clean of any and all contamination, trying desperately to center myself and get a reprieve from the growing sense of unbalance.

The roar of an engine too loud and too close snapped my eyes open and I turned in my seat to see a car flying up the street toward us. "I see them," Ranger said, his voice deadly Zen Master calm. He was what Steven Segall longed to be. "Buckle in," he ordered. I didn't even think, just did what I was told.

I always thought Hollywood made up most of the shit that happens in those high speed chase scenes. I figured they were taking artistic license. My views rapidly changedbecauseRanger could DRIVE. Unfortunately so could whoever was in the car chasing us. I'd really love to be able to go over every move and nuance of the chase, every e-brake turn, every evasive maneuver, but I'd be making half of it up-about half the time I had my eyes squeezedshut,clinging to thehope this was all a dream because otherwise I might really be dead soon.

Ranger kept spinning around and flying up different streets until I had no idea where we were- it could have been Zimbabwe for all I knew- until we finally merged onto a highway and got lost in the traffic. I breathed a sigh of relief and sank back into the leather. I'd never make it as a Hollywood stunt driver. Or even stunt passenger.

"Babe." I looked at Ranger, wide-eyed. "It's okay," he said, his voice quiet.

Right. Cause I like to live like The Fast and the Furious every day... "We're almost there."

Sure enough we got off the main road, down to a neighborhood of office buildings, and I saw the vaguely familiar silhouette of the RangeMan building looming ahead. I was just starting to relax when the headlights appeared to my right.

I realized what was happening but that was about the extent of it. I meant to yell a warning, but I don't know if I managed it. There was just the deafening roar of motors, shattering glass, twisting metal.

I thought I heard Ranger's voice but it was blurred and staticy like I had the radio tuned to the wrong spot. And somewhere else someone said my name- my real one. It was a woman, but I couldn't recognize the voice. She sounded a little like Val- an East Coast accent that was barely hanging on.

Funny, though, she had my my middle names mixed up. I wasn't going to correct her. I liked her version better. She was saying something… if I could just hear her… Damn it Ranger, shut up…

"Babe! Come on, wake up."

Shut up. I'm trying to hear the voice in my head…

"Please."

Now that was a dirty trick. I gave up trying to chase down the other voice and let Ranger win. With a last regretful thought to wonder what the mystery voice was about I resigned myself to opening my eyes and immediately wished I hadn't.

My head hurt. Again. I hate it when that happens and I don't get a night of drinking in beforehand.

"Ouch," I whimpered with all the dignity I could muster.

"I know, Babe." Ranger was pulling me up into a sitting position. Sitting.. .where was… I looked around, taking stock. The hunk of metal formerly known as the Mercedes had gotten knocked into the opposite land and there were people everywhere… in black. Men in black.

"Am I gonna get flashy-thinged?" There went my mouth again. Someday I really was going to get it wired into my brain.

Ranger wisely ignored me. "Can you walk?"

"Depends. Are my legs still attached?" I asked, looking down. Yep, legs intact. "Oh yeah, I'll be fine."

He helped me stand up and to my own amazement I managed it.

"You okay, Stephanie?" Asked a deep growly voice. If grizzly bears could talk they'd have voices like that.

"Tank!" I said turning to look at the big guy himself. "What are you doing here?"

"We were getting back from a job." Well that explained the men in black.

"Where's the other driver?" Ranger and Tank exchanged a look. Never mind. I didn't want to know. Let's change the subject.

"Tank?" He looked down at me. "Why is there one girl smurf?" That seemed safe enough.