Early one August morn, a brown barn owl swooped low over Little Whinging. It stopped at a dark, curtained window on Privet Drive and gave it two smart raps with its beak. Quiet moaning and shuffling noises came from within. Suddenly, the curtain was thrown aside and the pale, greasy face of Harry Potter smacked against the glass. His wild, green eyes darted in all directions before finally coming to rest on the owl.

"Riddle," Harry croaked. His voice was now hoarse from alternate periods of yelling and disuse. "We meet again…"

The window slowly creaked open. The instant the owl entered, Harry was upon it.

"YOU CAN KILL MY PARENTS! YOU CAN EVEN KILL SIRIUS! BUT EVIL WILL NEVER PREVAIL!"

The owl shrieked and flapped and clawed, trying to deflect the unexpected attack.

"WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? I AM NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO VANQUISH YOU SINGLE-HANDEDLY? HAHA! PERHAPS THAT IS TRUE, RIDDLE, BUT, AS YOU WILL SOON SEE, I AM NOT ALONE! FOR MANY A DARK DAY AND NIGHT, YES, I WAS ALONE – HIDDEN AWAY IN SELF-INFLICTED SECLUSION, BUT THEY HAVE COME TO ME… THE MYSTERIOUS CREATURES THAT LURK IN THE SHADOWS AND COME TO LIFE ONLY WHEN THERE IS DIRE NEED FOR THEIR MILITARISTIC SERVICES! AND THEY HAVE BEFRIENDED ME AND SWORN TO HELP METHWART YOU WHEN THE DAY OF THE FINAL BATTLE COMETH! AND SO… YOU HATH COMETH, AND IT HATH COMETH… AND NOW, THEY WILL COMETH! COME, SHADOW CREATURES, MY FAITHFUL ALLIES, MY BROTHERS IN ARMS! PREPARE TO DIE, YOU INIQUITOUS FIEND!"

Harry looked expectantly at a broken light bulb, a ball of lint, and a recently fermented jar of pea mush. "FIGHT BY MY SIDE IN THIS, THE LAST OF BATTLES!" With that, he picked up his three allies and threw them at the bird, which, now free from Harry's manic clutches, wasted no time in escaping out the window, leaving a thick envelope behind.

"Foiled…" Harry muttered. "LOSE NOT HEART, BROTHERS. I AM CONVINCED THAT WE WILL BE SEEING OUR FRIEND, RIDDLE, AGAIN SOON! AND THEN, AND THEN… BUT WHAT IS THIS? A SECRET DOCUMENT THAT RIDDLE, IN HIS HASTE TO ESCAPE FROM OUR RIGHTEOUS WRATH, FORGOT TO TAKE WITH HIM?"

Harry lunged at it and tore the envelope open eagerly. "HARK TO ITS MESSAGE, MY BROTHERS! IT MAY DIVULGE TO US USEFUL SECRETSCONCERNING RIDDLE'S NEXT PLAN OF ATTACK!" Harry's eyes scanned the letter. "ADVANCED SPELLWORK BY MIRANDA GOSHAWK? MASTERING POTIONS BY ARSENIUS JIGGER? AN INTRODUCTION TO COMPLEX THEORIES OF TRANSFIG- DAMNIT! THIS MUST BE SOME SORT OF CODE! DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DECRYPTION?"

For hours, Harry and Co. bent over the letter, attempting to crack the code. Finally, they were triumphant: "'LUCIUS, MEET ME AT THE DISCO WHERE WE WILL PROCURE SEVERAL KILOS OF HEROIN (BUT NOT BEFORE MANY HOURS OF CAREFREE DANCING) WITH WHICH TO TURN ALL OF HOGWARTS'S UPPER YEARS INTO OUR WILLING FOLLOWERS!' NO! BROTHERS, OUR PLANS HAVE CHANGED! WE MUST BOARD THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS AT PLATFORM NINE-AND-THREE-QUARTERS ON THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER, NINE-HUNDRED HOURS, AND, UPON ARRIVING AT HOGWARTS, MAKE ALL DUE HASTE TO THE OFFICE OF HEADMASTER DUMBLEDORE TO WARN HIM OF THIS NEFARIOUS PLOY!"

And so, on the morning of September first, Harry snuck unseen onto the Hogwarts Express and locked himself in a deserted compartment. Inside, he laid all his allies out on the seat across from him. "WE MUST BE VERY DISCREET, MY BROTHERS. WE MUST EMPLOY ALL OUR STEALTH, FOR RIDDLE'S SECRET FOLLOWERS ARE SURELY ALL AROUND US!" Harry fell silent abruptly. His eyes narrowed and he cupped his hand around his ear. "Hark to the whispering voices beyond our chamber's door, my brothers!"

There was, indeed, the sound of many hushed and urgent voices floating in through the cracks of the door.

"That's got to be him in there."

"The door's stuck."

"Maybe it's locked... Alohomora!"

The door creaked open slowly. Harry jumped up, unsheathing his wand from his jeans pocket with a flourish.

Just outside the doorway, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny stood, regarding him with a mixture of shock, sadness, and disgust. Harry only flourished his wand some more.

"Harry," Hermione gasped. "It's… it's us. Ron and Ginny and Hermione. D-don't you remember us?"

After a moment, Harry lowered his wand. He appeared lost in the deepest sort of contemplation. "Ron… Ginny… Hermione," he repeated slowly. Suddenly, a light flickered into life behind his eyes. "YES! THOSE NAMES HAVE UNLOCKED A DOOR IN MY MEMORY, BRUSHED ASIDE THICK LAYERS OF COBWEBS IN THE SHADOWY RECESSES OF MY MIND! AND ANOTHER THOUGHT COMES TO ME NOW… SO VAGUE, AS IF FROM A HUNDRED MILES AWAY! WHAT IS IT? OH, YES! NO! I CAN NEVER SEE YOU! LEAVE, NOW! LEAVE THIS PLACE AND DO NOT RETURN! NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT! FROM THE MOMENT I WAS BORN, I WAS DOOMED TO SPEND MY LIFE TRYING TO DEFEAT THE DARK LORD, AND THOSE WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR ME WILL ONLY SHARE IN MY MISERABLE FATE!"

A group of morbidly curious students had formed in the hallway.

With a nudge from Hermione, Ron approached Harry cautiously. "Harry, we're… We're, uh, worried about you, mate."

"YOUR CONCERN WILL BRING NOTHING BUT MISERY UPON US BOTH! GO, I SAY! GO, NOW!" Harry began prodding them out of the compartment with the tip of his wand. Small red sparks shot out from it, singing Ron's robes.

"Seriously, guys, this is bizarre," Ginny said, noticing for the first time the broken light bulb, ball of lint, and fermented jar of pea mush. "Can we go?"

With one last pleading look at Harry, Ron and Hermione conceded defeat and left the compartment.

Author's Note: I could never get more than one or two chapters into a fanfiction before now. (We are on Chapter 4!) Probably, I took the whole thing too seriously and wanted to produce something undeniably, heart-stoppingly… Well, at least decent. (This is, by the way, a mistake that far too many fanfiction authors fail to make.) But it doesn't take too much effort or creativity to make fun of things. Sure, it's the easy path to travel… but it's more about the ends than the means, right? HELLO! THIS IS COSMONAUT-ME TO STARBOARD CONTROL. STARBOARD CONTROL, WE HAVE LOCATED A NICHE. REPEAT: WE HAVE FOUND A NICHE. (Okay… it has begun to be way too much fun to type in all-caps. Also, why do the Russians get such a cooler name for their space frontiersmen than we do? I do not care who landed on the moon first. As far as I am concerned, the Russians totally won the space-race when they took "cosmo" and left us with "astro". Goddamnit. That really upsets me.)