Liam
'I don't like boats. In fact I hate boats.' I felt my stomach rebel again. This is only the second time I've ever been in a boat and I know already that I hate them. Swallowing my bile I glanced over at Boone. He looked calm and cool as a cucumber. 'I hate him too.' Suddenly we hit a big wave and I could no longer control my stomach. Leaning over the side I heaved up what was left of the contents of my stomach and bits of the lining as well. My first boat ride was worse than this if that were possible. Augur thought it would be a good way for me to relax and had taken me out for a "cruise" that lasted all of twenty minutes. That's when I found out I get violently seasick. I felt hands on my back and gripping my arm. When I was able I leaned back wiping my mouth with the towel handed me. I winced at the look of sympathy in Boone's eyes. I hate showing weakness. I can accept it when it's Augur but with strangers I always feel as if I'm exposed and helpless and I hate feeling helpless.
As an attempt to look anywhere but at Boone I glanced up at Augur. He was at the helm and steering like a pro. Since this ship was his only way off the island where he had secluded himself it made sense that he would learn how to drive it to the best of his ability. The name of the boat hadn't surprised me in the bit but I could tell it did Boone. He named it Lili's Flight. I had always suspected that Augur had deeper feelings for Lili than he would admit.
I glanced back and Boone was still staring at me. Irritated I snapped, "What?!"
He blinked. Then looked a bit chagrined still he forged on. "Nothing…It's just I was wondering…last night you looked half dead but now…" I grimaced. 'You had to ask.' I saw a flicker from up ahead and I knew that Augur was listening as well. We went over another swell and once again my stomach clenched. 'To hell with it.' At that moment I was wet, miserable, and I was throwing myself back into the fire to save humanity from itself yet again and I frankly didn't give a damn if Boone thought I was a monster or not.
Gritting my teeth I ground out, "I used my shaquarava to heal myself." 'And it wasn't easy.' I had spent hours the night before learning to control my shaquarava. Before I had only been able to use them instinctually. I had only consciously been able to control them twice. Once when I fired at Doors when he was going insane and the second time when I had to prove to the alternate Da'an that I was who I said I was. I almost gave up but I knew if I was going to go back I had to be 100%. I wasn't going to be any good to anyone if I couldn't even stand for extended periods of time. Now Boone just looked confused. Concentrating I lit up my palms then held them out in front of me. "My shaquarava." I heard a muttered jeez from the front. Quickly I put them out. There was still a frown on Boone's face. I had been found an ogre among humans once again. I thought I didn't care but I found I did. It hurt, but it was just a small hurt one I was used to. 'You keep telling yourself that and maybe some day you'll believe it.'
Consequently I was surprised when Boone asked, "If it was that simple why didn't you do it earlier?" I never expected him to ask. Renee never had about any of the strange things I did. She never wanted to know. Now that someone had finally asked I found myself not really wanting to explain. After all how do you explain that you are so afraid of yourself that you try and forget elements of yourself? I was so afraid of the killer in me that I never tried to control my shaquarava before. In fact I ignored them into dormancy. Putting my feelings into words would just make me feel more guilty and more selfish. I just couldn't do it.
I just shook my head. "It's a long story." Boone nodded slowly. I could tell he wanted to push but wasn't going to. 'Good because I have no idea what to say.' I opened my mouth to change the subject but found that it really wasn't a good idea. Head hanging over the side of the boat I shook with dry heaves. Once again I felt stabilizing hands holding on to me.
I hauled myself back up feeling terrible. I didn't know which was worse, throwing up or not having anything to throw up. Boone smiled at me reassuringly. "Don't feel too bad kid. Some are borne to water some to air. I'd just stick to the air if I were you." I could hear Augur chuckling up front. 'Oh, shut up.' This time I knew better than to open my mouth. I sat, mouth clenched shut, for the rest of the trip.
Ha'gel
As I watched my son I felt my heart ach. I so wanted him to be here so I could explain, so I could hold him but I couldn't. Not yet. I felt as Con'er the eldest of us all approached. He radiated certainty and serenity like the oldest and wisest of us do. But Con'er had a strength to his aura that the others had not yet attained.
"He should not have lived." It was not a question. Liam would have died, should have died, if not for my interference. It was destined he would do so.
"Yes." I replied in the same dispassionate voice.
"This changes everything." Once again a statement of fact.
"Yes." Liam would not be able to sit on the sidelines. He was after all my son.
"You let your emotions control you Ha'gel."
"Yes." 'How could I let my son die so young? Let him never experience the wonders of living? I brought him into the world and was of my blood, my responsibility, and I left him alone. Yes my guilt and love drove me to save him.' I couldn't voice my reasons like that. It would be disrespectful. Con'er was an elder, the elder.
"He may destroy everything."
"No." My heart was behind my words and Con'er looked at me in surprise.
"No?" His voice kept its neutral tone.
"No." I said firmly. "He will save everything." I was embarrassed. To speak to an elder that way was forbidden but lately I had been breaking many rules. What was one more?
"We shall see." Amusement colored Con'er's voice. We both turned to watch as my son struggled on in life.
My, "Yes," echoed through out our realm.
Cair'an
At first I ran on instinct doing whatever my body needed to keep running. I went through the motions like a machine and like a machine I didn't care about anything or anyone around me. But then my mind caught up with me. I don't know exactly when it happened all I know is that one second everything was all right the next nothing was. It might have been gradual or all at once but I know it felt like I was a sleeper who'd waken from a long nap to find the world had turned on it's head. At first I was confused but I quickly realized if I wanted to stay alive long enough to figure things out I had better try and keep up appearances. That was the weirdest part even though I wasn't strictly aware I still had all the memories of what went on while I was…um, asleep. I knew what was expected of me and I tried to keep to those parameters but it was like there were two different me's arguing inside my head. One said that everything I was doing, killing to feed slaughtering humans like animals, was my right as a superior being. It oozed arrogance and hunger. The other was calmly trying to tell me that it was wrong all wrong. It was so self-assured and full of feeling unlike the colder me. Some how I knew that both were reaching for my heart trying to convince me of their own point of view. Every time I took a life every time I saw the look of death pass over one of my victims faces the heartless part of me lost ground and the decent part gained it. My arrogance spoke up now and again but the faces of the victims quickly squashed it. Soon it had faded almost completely only whispering to me now and again.
My fellow Atavui take such joy in killing it borders on orgasmatic. I'm glad that before I "woke up" I went abut killing methodically and efficiently as terrible as that sounds because I would never be able to fake that ecstasy they took in killing. Before I woke up I was know for my standoffish demeanor. I bless that. I still see the men and sometimes the women eyeing me hungrily. That gives me the impression that I am quite attractive though I don't have any way of really telling. I feel no such attraction towards any of my fellows and so I am not a good judge of such things. I do know I am quite odd looking for an Atavus. My black hair is long, straight, and reaches to bellow my knees. My eyes are an extremely dark blue unlike my fellows' brown, gray, and black. I am the most human looking Atavus. My ridges are not as pounced as the others and my skin is a paler huge. Diuru'ye once joked I looked more like a hybrid than an Atavus and she was right. Maybe it is my oddness that appeals to them. I'm not really sure. I do know the reason why none of them make a move on me any more. It was after I woke up, before I just calmly walked away from the asker I guess sex wasn't needed to survive so I felt no need to do it then, but when Tau'erds approached me I snapped. It was right after a kill; he was covered in blood and grinning lewdly. Tau'erds is commanding and egotistical. Still I know the others are drawn to his charisma. I have often heard him talk against How'lyn and he is the only one I know who would be able to get away with that. Tau'erds probably thought I would never turn him down, that I would be too intimidated by his authority to do so. I could tell that killing had excited him and I just snapped.
Not outwardly, outwardly I appeared just as cold and unemotional as ever, but inwardly I was livid. I think I was so used to not showing emotion that my anger didn't show or maybe I was so furious that I couldn't show it. I was so mad, mad at him, mad at me, especially at me. I hated myself for doing what I was doing to survive and hating myself for surviving. I hated killing. I hated him and he was the perfect vent. I guess it was unnerving watching someone calmly, face unchanging take someone apart. I remember the shocked expressions on the other's faces and I remember the sick pleasure I got when I heard his bones break. I gave in to my darker emotions and I almost killed him. When I was done I just turned and left. I hadn't spoken a word the whole time. I figured at the time he would take it as a no. No one has approached me again but they kept looking.
After my confrontation with Tau'erds the others left me more to myself. I wasn't good company I guess. So I was surprised when Arie'tta came for me. I was in my bedchamber where I spent most of my time.
"How'lyn wants you." She sounded smugly pleased. She most likely figured I was in trouble. She probably was right. How'lyn doesn't call people to him for social visits. I calmly rose and tilted my head to show my compliance. I was and still am know for my silence. Before I couldn't be bothered to speak to those around me and when I did it was only when necessary and usually only one word answers. I stick to that to both to keep up the illusion and because I am afraid if I start talking I won't be able to stop. I don't think what I'd have to say, my opinions of our race, would go over well. The effect my silence had on my fellow Atavui is just a bonus. They appear greatly unnerved by it. Arie'tta certainly wasn't the exception. She swallowed then hurriedly turned and started walking.
As I followed I considered the walls as a way of keeping my mind off my impending meeting with How'lyn. After all I did not want to consider the thousand and ways he might have in mind to kill me. It sounds strange but so much about this Taelon ship seems familiar. I live in a constant state of what is that human saying? Déjà vu. Sometimes I find myself considering the Taelon technology that surrounds us and I find I actually understand it. I look for things I know should be there and they are. It is decidedly creepy. Also when I am on Earth some times I find myself looking at something and silently saying I know that. I seem to know and understand the humans more than my own people and I find myself lingering there whenever I have the chance.
We finally reached the bridge and I found myself looking directly into How'lyn's eyes. The look in his eyes was one that also struck a cord in me. As if I had seen someone with the same look of hunger, insanity, and greed burning in his eyes before. I kept my gaze focused on How'lyn even as he dismissed Arie'tta with a wave. I inclined my head in a silent question. Instead of answering it he turned his gaze to a hybrid I hadn't noticed was there. I had been so focused on How'lyn that I hadn't looked around when I entered. 'That was stupid. Who knows what How'lyn is planning?' I silently berated myself. I corrected that mistake by making a quick scan of the room. Other than a few scattered hybrids doing keep up work the only person in the room of any importance was Ronald Sandoval, How'lyn's human lackey. Sandoval unlocks the most flashes. Every time I look at him it is like the image is superimposed over one already in my mind. Like I am seeing him and bits of other hims in flashes or as if I'm seen past happenings.
Shaking off the strange sensation I get every time I look at him I turned my attention back to the more immediate danger of How'lyn. I still didn't know why my presence was requested and I knew it was definitely not a good idea to turn my back on him. I had only taken my gaze off How'lyn for a second but that was enough time for the young hybrid, a blond female, to make her way over to him. Her face was as unemotional as my own even as he started circling her; keeping only inches from her person. He was like an insatiable predator circling his prey. The light in his eyes grew at the hybrid's obvious confusion as she tried to follow him with her eyes as he circled. Her head whipping around she tried to keep him in sight. Then suddenly he lunged in and summarily broke her neck. I saw Sandoval wince out of the corner of my eye. I on the other hand cried out internally but appeared unfazed. I looked down at the dead hybrid then up at How'lyn who was standing over her crumpled body smiling with self satisfied devilish smugness. 'You can almost hear him purring.' Though I have no idea what purring is it seems to fit the situation some how. I shoved my bit of confusion away and focused on the current situation. I could tell that all of this was just show to remind me of his power. I admit internally I was reminded. I raised an eyebrow. For me that is the equivalent of a shocked expression on someone else.
Languidly he moved up close to me and started circling just as he'd done to the unfortunate girl on the floor. I stood still not trying to follow his movements and not reacting. "These hybrids are so useless." He whispered in hoarsely in my ear. I could practically feel the undercurrents to it. I desperately wanted to fidget but I kept myself casually standing not showing a hint of my nervousness. 'I'm not going to play your game.' How'lyn is a predator and predators attack at the sign of weakness. I know. I am one. He stopped directly in front of me mere inches from my face. I could feel his breath on my face. It was another act to remind me who was in charge and it was supposed to unnerve me. Again I tilted my head questioning not showing him how well it was working. This was a test of will and there was no way I was going to show him fear. How'lyn threw back his head and laughed. Moving off he stared out at the stars his back to me. I shot a look to Sandoval and I recognized the trapped expression on his face for what it was unlike others who would only have seen an impassive mask. At that moment I felt closer to him, a human, than I ever had to any of my own kind. I hastily transferred my gaze back to How'lyn as he dramatically swung back around to face me. He was insane and I did not want to anger him by looking towards his servant for comfort.
"These hybrids are useless for espionage Cair'an. To do that you need intelligence something that they lack after a day or so. I need someone to go down to that miserable dirt ball and spy for me. That someone is…you." He paused most likely for dramatic effect. "You are the most human looking of us and are relatively…striking in your own right." 'I have a feeling he means that in more ways than one.' Tau'erds flashed through my mind. The two have been rivals ever since we were released. How'lyn has only kept on top because of his strength and his domineering personality but I have felt the tides shifting. If How'lyn doesn't come up with results soon he may find himself with revolt on his hands. He must be getting desperate to trust me but maybe my earlier actions have made How'lyn decide to trust me. Even though I feel no sense of loyalty to How'lyn in fact the only feeling I have towards him is one of disgust and repulsion. One thing for sure I did not want Tau'erds to come into power. It is doubtful he has forgotten what I did to him.
"I have heard." How'lyn glanced at Sandoval meaningfully. "That Earth males are vulnerable to a pretty face." It sounded like a direct quote to me. That didn't surprise me really How'lyn maybe dangerous and insane but he wasn't awfully original. Then I backed up and reviewed what he'd said. 'Spy for him on Earth?' I'd give just about anything to be off this ship where ghosts seemed to follow me around. Earth appears to awaken the same sense of awareness as the Mothership does, but better…more pleasant. I straightened my posture to show him I was listening. How'lyn got the message. His grin grew again. I wouldn't have thought it possible. "I don't care how you do it but I want Renee stopped. I want her little…" He waved his hands around in a very human display of temper. "Resistance stopped," I saw Sandoval twitch again. 'It's a good thing Sandoval is behind How'lyn and he can't see. I doubt that How'lyn would take well to all of his reactions.' I couldn't understand my concern for the human but I knew I didn't want to see him the object of How'lyn's anger. "and I don't care what you have to do to find them." His abrupt ending was an obvious dismissal. I nodded. As I turned to leave I once again caught the trapped look in Sandoval's eyes and my heart went out to him. I was getting off this ghost ship and he had no hope of doing the same.
"A pity such a beautiful creature is so cold." How'lyn's voice drifted down to me. I didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered so I settled for indifference. I didn't really care what that pig of a leader thought of me. Still there was much I had to do before I could leave and I had a feeling I had better do it now before How'lyn changed his mind. My first stop: Diuru'ye's quarters.
I maybe the strangest looking of my kind but I am not the strangest acting. Diuru'ye is a collector of all things human. She takes things off those she kills, even clothes and keys. When she is not killing Diuru'ye is a dreamer. She is just as much a murderer as the rest of my kind but she is the oddest when it comes to personality. As I neared her room I found myself weaving through the junk piling up in the corridors around it. Diuru'ye has the most room to herself because the others have found that her stuff tends to migrate. Diuru'ye is friendly to everyone like a little girl but underneath it all she is vicious just like the rest of us. Still her bubbling personality gets on the nerves of the greater part of us. I find her rather refreshing retrospect, but I am not going to her for a chat today. Not that I do on any other day but sometimes I find myself in her room just listening to her as she rambles on. She is probably the closest thing to a friend I have aboard this ship. No, I need things to pass for human: makeup, clothing, money, and a place to stay. Since the only way for me to obtain these things is to either take them from Diuru'ye who has already done the killing or kill myself. I would rather go to Diuru'ye. I know that it is the same as if I killed those people myself but at least this way my hands are covered with less blood.
I knocked at her doorway like most of us she leaves her door open. It is supposed to be a sign of trust, which I find ironic since most of us don't even trust our own shadows. Diuru'ye finds knocking amusing because it is a human custom. I heard giggling from inside and entered. Diuru'ye was digging through a pile of clothing. I took the opportunity to study her dwelling. It had grown more cluttered since the last time I was here. Her shelves were covered with watches, compacts, wallets, magazines, and glasses. The floor was covered with all types of pants, shoes, and dresses. I took a step forward and heard a crunch. Looking down I found I had broken a coffee mug. Diuru'ye finally dug herself out of the heap and twisted around to face me. I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. She was wearing her usual, a mix of brightly covered human clothing. She had out done herself today in a bright pink shirt with short sleeves and a long light blue skirt that reached her ankles. Her feet were covered with a pair of crimson red leather shoes. The heels seemed too thin and long to support her weight but were defining gravity and doing so. Her hair was pulled back with a feathery pink thing and that's where words failed me.
Breathlessly with a huge smile plastered on her face she asked, "So what brings you here today?" It's her usual greeting though she never expects me to answer.
"Spying." Shock then confusion flickered across her face. Diuru'ye like everyone else is used to my silence. "How'lyn wants me to spy on the humans." It was the longest speech I had ever made and I thought for a moment that Diuru'ye was going to die of shock.
Understanding flashed in her eyes. She was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. "Ooh and you want me to help you with your disguise?" I nodded. A huge grin settled over her features. I noticed absently that she was wearing that human cosmetic lipstick. She grabbed my hand and started dragging me off into the deeper recesses of her room. "We've got so much to do! This is going to be so much fun!" Suddenly this didn't seem like such a good idea. For some reason I feared for my life. I struggled feebly as she drug me further and further from the door. 'Who ever would have thought that Diuru'ye was this strong?'
'I don't like boats. In fact I hate boats.' I felt my stomach rebel again. This is only the second time I've ever been in a boat and I know already that I hate them. Swallowing my bile I glanced over at Boone. He looked calm and cool as a cucumber. 'I hate him too.' Suddenly we hit a big wave and I could no longer control my stomach. Leaning over the side I heaved up what was left of the contents of my stomach and bits of the lining as well. My first boat ride was worse than this if that were possible. Augur thought it would be a good way for me to relax and had taken me out for a "cruise" that lasted all of twenty minutes. That's when I found out I get violently seasick. I felt hands on my back and gripping my arm. When I was able I leaned back wiping my mouth with the towel handed me. I winced at the look of sympathy in Boone's eyes. I hate showing weakness. I can accept it when it's Augur but with strangers I always feel as if I'm exposed and helpless and I hate feeling helpless.
As an attempt to look anywhere but at Boone I glanced up at Augur. He was at the helm and steering like a pro. Since this ship was his only way off the island where he had secluded himself it made sense that he would learn how to drive it to the best of his ability. The name of the boat hadn't surprised me in the bit but I could tell it did Boone. He named it Lili's Flight. I had always suspected that Augur had deeper feelings for Lili than he would admit.
I glanced back and Boone was still staring at me. Irritated I snapped, "What?!"
He blinked. Then looked a bit chagrined still he forged on. "Nothing…It's just I was wondering…last night you looked half dead but now…" I grimaced. 'You had to ask.' I saw a flicker from up ahead and I knew that Augur was listening as well. We went over another swell and once again my stomach clenched. 'To hell with it.' At that moment I was wet, miserable, and I was throwing myself back into the fire to save humanity from itself yet again and I frankly didn't give a damn if Boone thought I was a monster or not.
Gritting my teeth I ground out, "I used my shaquarava to heal myself." 'And it wasn't easy.' I had spent hours the night before learning to control my shaquarava. Before I had only been able to use them instinctually. I had only consciously been able to control them twice. Once when I fired at Doors when he was going insane and the second time when I had to prove to the alternate Da'an that I was who I said I was. I almost gave up but I knew if I was going to go back I had to be 100%. I wasn't going to be any good to anyone if I couldn't even stand for extended periods of time. Now Boone just looked confused. Concentrating I lit up my palms then held them out in front of me. "My shaquarava." I heard a muttered jeez from the front. Quickly I put them out. There was still a frown on Boone's face. I had been found an ogre among humans once again. I thought I didn't care but I found I did. It hurt, but it was just a small hurt one I was used to. 'You keep telling yourself that and maybe some day you'll believe it.'
Consequently I was surprised when Boone asked, "If it was that simple why didn't you do it earlier?" I never expected him to ask. Renee never had about any of the strange things I did. She never wanted to know. Now that someone had finally asked I found myself not really wanting to explain. After all how do you explain that you are so afraid of yourself that you try and forget elements of yourself? I was so afraid of the killer in me that I never tried to control my shaquarava before. In fact I ignored them into dormancy. Putting my feelings into words would just make me feel more guilty and more selfish. I just couldn't do it.
I just shook my head. "It's a long story." Boone nodded slowly. I could tell he wanted to push but wasn't going to. 'Good because I have no idea what to say.' I opened my mouth to change the subject but found that it really wasn't a good idea. Head hanging over the side of the boat I shook with dry heaves. Once again I felt stabilizing hands holding on to me.
I hauled myself back up feeling terrible. I didn't know which was worse, throwing up or not having anything to throw up. Boone smiled at me reassuringly. "Don't feel too bad kid. Some are borne to water some to air. I'd just stick to the air if I were you." I could hear Augur chuckling up front. 'Oh, shut up.' This time I knew better than to open my mouth. I sat, mouth clenched shut, for the rest of the trip.
Ha'gel
As I watched my son I felt my heart ach. I so wanted him to be here so I could explain, so I could hold him but I couldn't. Not yet. I felt as Con'er the eldest of us all approached. He radiated certainty and serenity like the oldest and wisest of us do. But Con'er had a strength to his aura that the others had not yet attained.
"He should not have lived." It was not a question. Liam would have died, should have died, if not for my interference. It was destined he would do so.
"Yes." I replied in the same dispassionate voice.
"This changes everything." Once again a statement of fact.
"Yes." Liam would not be able to sit on the sidelines. He was after all my son.
"You let your emotions control you Ha'gel."
"Yes." 'How could I let my son die so young? Let him never experience the wonders of living? I brought him into the world and was of my blood, my responsibility, and I left him alone. Yes my guilt and love drove me to save him.' I couldn't voice my reasons like that. It would be disrespectful. Con'er was an elder, the elder.
"He may destroy everything."
"No." My heart was behind my words and Con'er looked at me in surprise.
"No?" His voice kept its neutral tone.
"No." I said firmly. "He will save everything." I was embarrassed. To speak to an elder that way was forbidden but lately I had been breaking many rules. What was one more?
"We shall see." Amusement colored Con'er's voice. We both turned to watch as my son struggled on in life.
My, "Yes," echoed through out our realm.
Cair'an
At first I ran on instinct doing whatever my body needed to keep running. I went through the motions like a machine and like a machine I didn't care about anything or anyone around me. But then my mind caught up with me. I don't know exactly when it happened all I know is that one second everything was all right the next nothing was. It might have been gradual or all at once but I know it felt like I was a sleeper who'd waken from a long nap to find the world had turned on it's head. At first I was confused but I quickly realized if I wanted to stay alive long enough to figure things out I had better try and keep up appearances. That was the weirdest part even though I wasn't strictly aware I still had all the memories of what went on while I was…um, asleep. I knew what was expected of me and I tried to keep to those parameters but it was like there were two different me's arguing inside my head. One said that everything I was doing, killing to feed slaughtering humans like animals, was my right as a superior being. It oozed arrogance and hunger. The other was calmly trying to tell me that it was wrong all wrong. It was so self-assured and full of feeling unlike the colder me. Some how I knew that both were reaching for my heart trying to convince me of their own point of view. Every time I took a life every time I saw the look of death pass over one of my victims faces the heartless part of me lost ground and the decent part gained it. My arrogance spoke up now and again but the faces of the victims quickly squashed it. Soon it had faded almost completely only whispering to me now and again.
My fellow Atavui take such joy in killing it borders on orgasmatic. I'm glad that before I "woke up" I went abut killing methodically and efficiently as terrible as that sounds because I would never be able to fake that ecstasy they took in killing. Before I woke up I was know for my standoffish demeanor. I bless that. I still see the men and sometimes the women eyeing me hungrily. That gives me the impression that I am quite attractive though I don't have any way of really telling. I feel no such attraction towards any of my fellows and so I am not a good judge of such things. I do know I am quite odd looking for an Atavus. My black hair is long, straight, and reaches to bellow my knees. My eyes are an extremely dark blue unlike my fellows' brown, gray, and black. I am the most human looking Atavus. My ridges are not as pounced as the others and my skin is a paler huge. Diuru'ye once joked I looked more like a hybrid than an Atavus and she was right. Maybe it is my oddness that appeals to them. I'm not really sure. I do know the reason why none of them make a move on me any more. It was after I woke up, before I just calmly walked away from the asker I guess sex wasn't needed to survive so I felt no need to do it then, but when Tau'erds approached me I snapped. It was right after a kill; he was covered in blood and grinning lewdly. Tau'erds is commanding and egotistical. Still I know the others are drawn to his charisma. I have often heard him talk against How'lyn and he is the only one I know who would be able to get away with that. Tau'erds probably thought I would never turn him down, that I would be too intimidated by his authority to do so. I could tell that killing had excited him and I just snapped.
Not outwardly, outwardly I appeared just as cold and unemotional as ever, but inwardly I was livid. I think I was so used to not showing emotion that my anger didn't show or maybe I was so furious that I couldn't show it. I was so mad, mad at him, mad at me, especially at me. I hated myself for doing what I was doing to survive and hating myself for surviving. I hated killing. I hated him and he was the perfect vent. I guess it was unnerving watching someone calmly, face unchanging take someone apart. I remember the shocked expressions on the other's faces and I remember the sick pleasure I got when I heard his bones break. I gave in to my darker emotions and I almost killed him. When I was done I just turned and left. I hadn't spoken a word the whole time. I figured at the time he would take it as a no. No one has approached me again but they kept looking.
After my confrontation with Tau'erds the others left me more to myself. I wasn't good company I guess. So I was surprised when Arie'tta came for me. I was in my bedchamber where I spent most of my time.
"How'lyn wants you." She sounded smugly pleased. She most likely figured I was in trouble. She probably was right. How'lyn doesn't call people to him for social visits. I calmly rose and tilted my head to show my compliance. I was and still am know for my silence. Before I couldn't be bothered to speak to those around me and when I did it was only when necessary and usually only one word answers. I stick to that to both to keep up the illusion and because I am afraid if I start talking I won't be able to stop. I don't think what I'd have to say, my opinions of our race, would go over well. The effect my silence had on my fellow Atavui is just a bonus. They appear greatly unnerved by it. Arie'tta certainly wasn't the exception. She swallowed then hurriedly turned and started walking.
As I followed I considered the walls as a way of keeping my mind off my impending meeting with How'lyn. After all I did not want to consider the thousand and ways he might have in mind to kill me. It sounds strange but so much about this Taelon ship seems familiar. I live in a constant state of what is that human saying? Déjà vu. Sometimes I find myself considering the Taelon technology that surrounds us and I find I actually understand it. I look for things I know should be there and they are. It is decidedly creepy. Also when I am on Earth some times I find myself looking at something and silently saying I know that. I seem to know and understand the humans more than my own people and I find myself lingering there whenever I have the chance.
We finally reached the bridge and I found myself looking directly into How'lyn's eyes. The look in his eyes was one that also struck a cord in me. As if I had seen someone with the same look of hunger, insanity, and greed burning in his eyes before. I kept my gaze focused on How'lyn even as he dismissed Arie'tta with a wave. I inclined my head in a silent question. Instead of answering it he turned his gaze to a hybrid I hadn't noticed was there. I had been so focused on How'lyn that I hadn't looked around when I entered. 'That was stupid. Who knows what How'lyn is planning?' I silently berated myself. I corrected that mistake by making a quick scan of the room. Other than a few scattered hybrids doing keep up work the only person in the room of any importance was Ronald Sandoval, How'lyn's human lackey. Sandoval unlocks the most flashes. Every time I look at him it is like the image is superimposed over one already in my mind. Like I am seeing him and bits of other hims in flashes or as if I'm seen past happenings.
Shaking off the strange sensation I get every time I look at him I turned my attention back to the more immediate danger of How'lyn. I still didn't know why my presence was requested and I knew it was definitely not a good idea to turn my back on him. I had only taken my gaze off How'lyn for a second but that was enough time for the young hybrid, a blond female, to make her way over to him. Her face was as unemotional as my own even as he started circling her; keeping only inches from her person. He was like an insatiable predator circling his prey. The light in his eyes grew at the hybrid's obvious confusion as she tried to follow him with her eyes as he circled. Her head whipping around she tried to keep him in sight. Then suddenly he lunged in and summarily broke her neck. I saw Sandoval wince out of the corner of my eye. I on the other hand cried out internally but appeared unfazed. I looked down at the dead hybrid then up at How'lyn who was standing over her crumpled body smiling with self satisfied devilish smugness. 'You can almost hear him purring.' Though I have no idea what purring is it seems to fit the situation some how. I shoved my bit of confusion away and focused on the current situation. I could tell that all of this was just show to remind me of his power. I admit internally I was reminded. I raised an eyebrow. For me that is the equivalent of a shocked expression on someone else.
Languidly he moved up close to me and started circling just as he'd done to the unfortunate girl on the floor. I stood still not trying to follow his movements and not reacting. "These hybrids are so useless." He whispered in hoarsely in my ear. I could practically feel the undercurrents to it. I desperately wanted to fidget but I kept myself casually standing not showing a hint of my nervousness. 'I'm not going to play your game.' How'lyn is a predator and predators attack at the sign of weakness. I know. I am one. He stopped directly in front of me mere inches from my face. I could feel his breath on my face. It was another act to remind me who was in charge and it was supposed to unnerve me. Again I tilted my head questioning not showing him how well it was working. This was a test of will and there was no way I was going to show him fear. How'lyn threw back his head and laughed. Moving off he stared out at the stars his back to me. I shot a look to Sandoval and I recognized the trapped expression on his face for what it was unlike others who would only have seen an impassive mask. At that moment I felt closer to him, a human, than I ever had to any of my own kind. I hastily transferred my gaze back to How'lyn as he dramatically swung back around to face me. He was insane and I did not want to anger him by looking towards his servant for comfort.
"These hybrids are useless for espionage Cair'an. To do that you need intelligence something that they lack after a day or so. I need someone to go down to that miserable dirt ball and spy for me. That someone is…you." He paused most likely for dramatic effect. "You are the most human looking of us and are relatively…striking in your own right." 'I have a feeling he means that in more ways than one.' Tau'erds flashed through my mind. The two have been rivals ever since we were released. How'lyn has only kept on top because of his strength and his domineering personality but I have felt the tides shifting. If How'lyn doesn't come up with results soon he may find himself with revolt on his hands. He must be getting desperate to trust me but maybe my earlier actions have made How'lyn decide to trust me. Even though I feel no sense of loyalty to How'lyn in fact the only feeling I have towards him is one of disgust and repulsion. One thing for sure I did not want Tau'erds to come into power. It is doubtful he has forgotten what I did to him.
"I have heard." How'lyn glanced at Sandoval meaningfully. "That Earth males are vulnerable to a pretty face." It sounded like a direct quote to me. That didn't surprise me really How'lyn maybe dangerous and insane but he wasn't awfully original. Then I backed up and reviewed what he'd said. 'Spy for him on Earth?' I'd give just about anything to be off this ship where ghosts seemed to follow me around. Earth appears to awaken the same sense of awareness as the Mothership does, but better…more pleasant. I straightened my posture to show him I was listening. How'lyn got the message. His grin grew again. I wouldn't have thought it possible. "I don't care how you do it but I want Renee stopped. I want her little…" He waved his hands around in a very human display of temper. "Resistance stopped," I saw Sandoval twitch again. 'It's a good thing Sandoval is behind How'lyn and he can't see. I doubt that How'lyn would take well to all of his reactions.' I couldn't understand my concern for the human but I knew I didn't want to see him the object of How'lyn's anger. "and I don't care what you have to do to find them." His abrupt ending was an obvious dismissal. I nodded. As I turned to leave I once again caught the trapped look in Sandoval's eyes and my heart went out to him. I was getting off this ghost ship and he had no hope of doing the same.
"A pity such a beautiful creature is so cold." How'lyn's voice drifted down to me. I didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered so I settled for indifference. I didn't really care what that pig of a leader thought of me. Still there was much I had to do before I could leave and I had a feeling I had better do it now before How'lyn changed his mind. My first stop: Diuru'ye's quarters.
I maybe the strangest looking of my kind but I am not the strangest acting. Diuru'ye is a collector of all things human. She takes things off those she kills, even clothes and keys. When she is not killing Diuru'ye is a dreamer. She is just as much a murderer as the rest of my kind but she is the oddest when it comes to personality. As I neared her room I found myself weaving through the junk piling up in the corridors around it. Diuru'ye has the most room to herself because the others have found that her stuff tends to migrate. Diuru'ye is friendly to everyone like a little girl but underneath it all she is vicious just like the rest of us. Still her bubbling personality gets on the nerves of the greater part of us. I find her rather refreshing retrospect, but I am not going to her for a chat today. Not that I do on any other day but sometimes I find myself in her room just listening to her as she rambles on. She is probably the closest thing to a friend I have aboard this ship. No, I need things to pass for human: makeup, clothing, money, and a place to stay. Since the only way for me to obtain these things is to either take them from Diuru'ye who has already done the killing or kill myself. I would rather go to Diuru'ye. I know that it is the same as if I killed those people myself but at least this way my hands are covered with less blood.
I knocked at her doorway like most of us she leaves her door open. It is supposed to be a sign of trust, which I find ironic since most of us don't even trust our own shadows. Diuru'ye finds knocking amusing because it is a human custom. I heard giggling from inside and entered. Diuru'ye was digging through a pile of clothing. I took the opportunity to study her dwelling. It had grown more cluttered since the last time I was here. Her shelves were covered with watches, compacts, wallets, magazines, and glasses. The floor was covered with all types of pants, shoes, and dresses. I took a step forward and heard a crunch. Looking down I found I had broken a coffee mug. Diuru'ye finally dug herself out of the heap and twisted around to face me. I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. She was wearing her usual, a mix of brightly covered human clothing. She had out done herself today in a bright pink shirt with short sleeves and a long light blue skirt that reached her ankles. Her feet were covered with a pair of crimson red leather shoes. The heels seemed too thin and long to support her weight but were defining gravity and doing so. Her hair was pulled back with a feathery pink thing and that's where words failed me.
Breathlessly with a huge smile plastered on her face she asked, "So what brings you here today?" It's her usual greeting though she never expects me to answer.
"Spying." Shock then confusion flickered across her face. Diuru'ye like everyone else is used to my silence. "How'lyn wants me to spy on the humans." It was the longest speech I had ever made and I thought for a moment that Diuru'ye was going to die of shock.
Understanding flashed in her eyes. She was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. "Ooh and you want me to help you with your disguise?" I nodded. A huge grin settled over her features. I noticed absently that she was wearing that human cosmetic lipstick. She grabbed my hand and started dragging me off into the deeper recesses of her room. "We've got so much to do! This is going to be so much fun!" Suddenly this didn't seem like such a good idea. For some reason I feared for my life. I struggled feebly as she drug me further and further from the door. 'Who ever would have thought that Diuru'ye was this strong?'