Please see prologue for warnings/notes...
Felis Catus
Circle One:
"Has anyone see the Colonel this morning?" Hawkeye asked irritably. She was carrying a large stack of paperwork that the Colonel needed to sign, and the man was nowhere to be found. She'd checked his usual hiding spots – the hidden room behind the library where Mustang liked to nap, the janitor's closet where he'd wait until she turned the corner before making good his escape, even the cafeteria coffee machine that he worshipped frequently with an almost holy devotion – and there was still no trace of him. Either he'd found a new hiding place, or he'd taken the day off and forgotten to call in. Again.
Havoc looked up from his newspaper. "Sorry…haven't seen him today yet. He's probably sleeping off the effects of a date or something." Havoc shrugged philosophically and returned to his newspaper. That lucky bastard, he thought mournfully.
"That's odd…" Breda said grinning. "Colonel must be getting old." Havoc snorted disbelievingly.
"Hey, maybe Black Hayate can sniff him out," Fury suggested brightly, looking up from the electronic pile he was working on.
"That's not a bad idea, actually," Farman said. "Is it possible?"
Hawkeye looked over towards Hayate. "It's worth a try. Hayate. Come," she ordered, putting the stack of papers down on the Colonel's desk. Hayate immediately padded over to his mistress and sat down obediently.
Hawkeye smiled and bent down to pat him. "You know the Colonel right, Hayate?" Hayate licked her hand. "Good boy…find the Colonel," she commanded. With a woof, Hayate gave her hand one last lick and trotted out the door on his mission.
"Wasn't Ed coming in from Rizenbuul on the noon train today?" Farman asked, checking his watch. "I know the Colonel specifically wanted a report from his last mission and Fullmetal's already delayed it a week because he had to get his automail fixed."
"That's right," Hawkeye said thoughtfully. "The Colonel never misses a briefing…and it's almost one."
"Shorty's gonna be pissed if he comes in and the Colonel's not here," Havoc sniggered. Fullmetal's temper was infamous. He hated to wait, and the absence of Colonel Mustang wasn't going to go over too well, especially as Ed had made the trip by special request and had even left his brother Al back in Rizembuul so he could travel to Central faster.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTY!" Ed yelled, true to form, as he banged open the door. He stomped immediately over to the Colonel's desk, sparing a glare for Havoc along the way. Havoc shrugged off the glare and went back to reading the paper.
Edward stopped short at the desk and blinked, before scowling ferociously. "Where's the bastard Colonel? I didn't haul my ass all the way here on his orders for him to be sleeping in late!"
"We don't know," Hawkeye said calmly. "He hasn't been in all day and no one knows where he is."
"Huh." Ed immediately deflated, since the object of his ire wasn't present, and flopped into a nearby chair. "That's really weird," he mused openly. "The Colonel's a slacker with paperwork, but he never misses a briefing. This isn't like him at all. Have you checked with Hughes?"
Hawkeye sighed. "Yes. And in all his normal hiding places. He's nowhere to be found. We even sent Hayate out to look for him."
Ed laughed, a bright pealing sound. "I can just picture it – Hayate dragging in the Colonel by the scruff of his neck," he cackled madly. The office shared a chuckle over the image.
As if right on cue, Hayate came padding back into the office, his tag wagging madly. In his jaws, he very carefully was grasping a rather cross-looking black cat with white paws by the scruff of its neck.
"What have you got there, Hayate?" Fury exclaimed. Hayate let go of the cat immediately and barked, waiting for his mistress to praise him for a job well done. The cat quickly jumped onto Mustang's chair and then onto the desk, its tail curling about in an agitated manner.
Ugh. Dog slobber. The cat formerly known as Colonel Roy Mustang immediately began to lick at his fur. Ick. Cat hair…future hairballs… Roy made a small sound of abject distaste. He definitely wasn't bored now. When he returned to normal and caught up with Zayna, he was going to turn her into charcoal and dance on her ashes.
Hawkeye looked amazed at her pet. "Hayate! I said to find the Colonel, not to catch a cat! Bad dog!" Hayate looked extremely confused. Wasn't that what he'd done? He'd found the Colonel-turned-cat outside of Central Headquarters looking tired and bedraggled and had immediately brought him inside. Humans…he'd never understand them. Hayate whined and put his nose down into his paws.
"Hey…the cat kinda looks like the Colonel though." Havoc started laughing at the cat that was now looking even more disgruntled than ever as it resolutely groomed its matted fur. "Look, it's even got little white gloves! Awww ain't that cuuuute?"
Everyone laughed. Roy hissed at them, then frustrated, left off his grooming to begin shredding the papers on his desk. Idiots! He had idiots working for him! The shredding grew more furious, and bit more gleeful. It wasn't as if he liked paperwork to begin with…less to sign when he was back to normal, after all.
"No! Bad kitty," Fury scolded, quickly grabbing the cat under its forearms and scooping it off of Mustang's desk. The cat snarled and tried to swipe at the arms holding him in such an undignified fashion.
"You're holding it wrong, Fury," Ed grinned, walking over. "You can't hold a cat under its arms; the body weight of its hindquarters is too heavy and it puts a strain on the cat. Plus, it pisses them off," Ed continued, gently taking the cat from Fury and cradling it in his left arm. The cat looked infinitely shocked. Ed gave the cat a little scratch under its chin, and a blissful look crossed the small black face before being replaced by an expression of chagrin. Ed continued scratching almost absently and the cat started to dissolve into purrs almost reluctantly.
"Wow…you really know how to take care of animals, Edward," Fury commented admiringly, trying to put the papers on the Colonel's desk back to rights. No such luck. When Roy Mustang wanted to destroy something, it was quite properly destroyed.
Edward sighed. "I've had practice. Al's always sneaking stray cats into his armor and I'm the one who has to feed them and find them homes. First it's Al bringing in the cats, now Hayate's doing it," he complained. "Who's gonna take care of this little cat?" he asked, chucking the cat under the chin.
Hey. Who was Edward calling little? Roy huffed in annoyance, ignoring how peculiarly wonderful all the attention he was getting from Edward felt.
"It seems to like you just fine," Farman observed. "Listen, it's purring." Roy stopped purring immediately and hissed, looking embarrassed. "Hmmm it almost seems as if that cat understands what we're saying."
Roy meowed in a hopeful tone. Finally! They were starting to catch on. There might be a chance for him to get out of this horribly embarrassing predicament with some semblance of dignity intact!
"Nah, bet it's just hungry," Breda said nervously. He didn't like dogs, and he liked cats even less. "I'll go get it some tuna from the cafeteria, be right back, bye!" He sped out the door.
Roy hissed. Damn!
"Stop hissing," Ed ordered the cat. He shifted the cat's weight and gave it a scritch behind its ears. The cat hissed at him this time. Now was not the time for scratches, no matter how extremely comfortable and sensuous and mmmm okay maybe a few more scratches couldn't hurt… The hiss tapered out into a soft rrrrr.
Damn it! Roy felt torn. It looked as if Zayna had done a little too good of a job blending his appearance into that of a cat. Catlike instincts, behavior, and idiosyncrasies all seemed to be part of the package deal. Roy cursed the fact that his so-called visceral instincts appeared to be conquering his common sense. Unfortunately, these scratches felt too good to pass up.
Ed chuckled. "Feisty little bugger aren't you? Yeah, you are kinda like the Colonel…you have a definite attitude problem." The cat ignored that. It was below his dignity to respond. He had scratches to savor right now, after all. MmmmMMmmmm. More! His eyes began to shut…
"Hey!" Hughes walked in with a grin. Roy's ears perked up. At last! Someone with intelligence, who could figure out who he was!
"Hughes!" Ed said grinning, walking over to clap Hughes on the shoulder. Hughes grinned at him. Roy meowed at Hughes, trying to catch his attention. Hughes was an observant officer and would surely notice him…
Hughes didn't even glance at the cat. "Hey, you're a little taller there, Ed!"
Roy groaned internally. Fool! His best friend was a fool!
Ed looked a bit self-conscious, but incredibly pleased. "You noticed! Yeah, I'm about 1cm taller…"
"I'm in Intelligence. It's my job to notice these things," Hughes said with a theatrical sniff. Roy begged to differ. "Now, as for Mustang's whereabouts…"
Everyone's heads snapped up with interest. Roy looked smug. Ah, he shouldn't have underestimated his friend! Perhaps Hughes had figured it out after all…
"The Blending Alchemist, whom Roy's been dating lately, left a message saying that they would be going on an impromptu outing to Aquaroya."
…or not. The cat would have groaned if he'd been able to make that sound. As things stood, however, he managed a small, pathetic little whine. There went all hope of anyone launching an immediate search for his whereabouts and figuring out what had happened. Damn that Zayna. She'd thought of everything. Charcoaling was too good for her. He'd broil her alive. Yeah, broiling was slower…and he definitely wanted to savor it.
It was some comfort that Edward found this particular situation about as aggravating as he did.
"That bastard Colonel!" Ed shouted. "I came all the way here for nothing? He's on vacation? What the hell was he thinking! This isn't like him at all! I'll bet it's that hussy's fault!"
Roy winced. Well, it wasn't his fault…he didn't ask for this to happen. Although he was supremely gratified that Fullmetal held him in high enough regard to give him the benefit of the doubt. He sniggered as he imagined what Zayna would do to Ed if she heard him calling her a hussy… Yep, Ed would make a rather lovely cat too…one of those adorably striped tabby kittens…pouncing on the toes of people who called him little… Roy stifled an internal chuckle at the image.
"Sorry Ed," Hughes said grandly. "Guess you'll have to wait around until the Colonel gets back to give him your report."
"But Al's still in Rizenbuul!" Ed said angrily. "We've got leads to follow! I can't just park my heels in Central right now!"
Hughes looked sympathetic, but surprisingly stern. "Yes, but your duties as a State Alchemist remain the same, Ed. You can't throw away your responsibility. In this case, your duty is obviously to remain in Central until you can give Roy your report in person. I'm sorry, Ed."
"…I know," Ed muttered resentfully. Roy batted Edward on the cheek with a soft paw. There, now. Things weren't so bad. If smart, clever Ed would only just HURRY the hell up and FIGURE OUT that Roy had been transfigured into a cat, all their problems would miraculously disappear. Roy would even give Ed a nice medal; he might even bend down to pin it on him. The cat smirked as much as it was able to, and waved a paw about, dismissing the idea. Fullmetal would likely gouge him in the eye if he tried that.
Ed gave a snort at the cat's antics and apparent attempts to cheer him up, and cuddled it. Animals were nice to have around sometimes. They understood some things that humans never could. Roy wriggled about in Ed's grasp rather uncomfortably. This was so…wrong. His cat side was absolutely luxuriating in the sensation of being cuddled, while his human mind was quite mortified at the sensations. He was enjoying being cuddled by Edward Elric, of all people! Life was starting to get stranger and stranger.
"That's a real cute cat you've got there, Ed," Hughes said, finally looking at the currently perturbed cat. "It's got little white gloves too…reminds me of Roy. Heh. Heh heh heh." Hughes started cackling. Roy scowled at him, showing pearly white fangs. Hughes peered back at the cat intently. "He even scowls like Mustang! Lookit that! It's great!"
I AM Mustang, you FOOL! Roy snarled, vastly annoyed at his cackling friend. Oohs…just wait until he got his sharp little claws on those photos he knew Maes always carried in his back pocket! Hughes would be sorry then!
"Speaking of which, do you think Alicia would like to keep the cat?" Ed suggested hopefully. Roy hoped he looked as properly horrified as he felt. NO! Alicia was sweet, but all kids liked to pull kitty tails, and living with Hughes would be a nightmare! Gracia's cooking though…that was a valid argument, but in the face of suffering daily humiliation, no one's cooking was that good.
"Sorry Ed…Gracia's allergic," Hughes apologized, still grinning at the snarling cat. "How about one of you guys keep it?"
"Well, I already take care of Hayate," Hawkeye mused, looking at the cat thoughtfully. "The guys live in the dorms which don't allow pets, Breda hates animals, and Havoc would eat it…"
"Hey! That was just a joke," Havoc grinned. "Wonder what fried cat tastes like," he cackled. The cat laid flat its ears and narrowed its eyes into thin slits. Roy would gladly show him what a fried Havoc looked like, you could bet on that!
Ed scowled at him. "Hey, don't tease the cat while I'm holding it! These claws are sharp!" Ed winced as claws dug into the flesh of his left arm. The cat seemed to look remotely guilty as it retracted its claws.
"Why don't you take care of him for a while, Ed," Hawkeye suggested. "Just until you can find it a home," she continued.
Ed looked annoyed. "I can't…I have to live in the dorms while I'm in Central."
"Huh?" Fury said, looking surprised. "But you can't, Ed – the dorms are full right now and there aren't any extra rooms."
"What! Damn, where am I going to stay then? A hotel is out of the question," Ed complained. "They've been overcharging alchemists lately due to the casualty levels, and they're always wanting me to fix things!"
"I'd drag you back with me, but Alicia's going through a difficult stage right now where she wakes up in the middle of the night and won't go back to sleep," Hughes said seriously. "I don't think I should subject you to that, though we'd love to have you."
Ed smiled at him. "Don't worry; I understand. That's a tough stage."
Hughes looked long-suffering before he brightened and reached a hand towards his back pocket. "Yes, but she's soooo cuuuuute when she wakes up! Wanna see a picture?"
"Not right now, Hughes…" Ed grinned wryly. "Maybe later."
"Your loss," Hughes shrugged.
Roy's claws twitched almost spasmodically as the photos were put away.
"Hmm. What about living in the Colonel's apartment then?" Hawkeye said thoughtfully. "He leaves a spare key in his desk, and I'm sure he won't mind since he's not here."
What! The cat let out a meow of horror. Fullmetal in his apartment? The Gate forbid!
Ed looked as if he felt the same way Roy did about the idea. "The Colonel's apartment? Hell no," he stated emphatically. "That would be too weird."
"There's really nowhere else then," Hawkeye said matter-of-factly, forestalling Edward's protests. Ed considered her point carefully, a brief scowl crossing his face while he thought it over. Unfortunately, Hawkeye was right, Ed thought mournfully – oh well, he might as well resign himself to his imminent fate.
"Fine…gimme the key. I'll clean up before he gets back."
The cat whimpered. Oh things were really starting to go downhill now…
"He didn't say when he'd be back, and the Blending Alchemist Zayna-something-or-other said that it was up in the air," Hughes informed him.
"Damn. I'd better go buy some food then," Ed grumbled.
Roy meowed at him pointedly. What about me?
"Oh yeah, you…" Ed looked into the cat's dark eyes with a sigh. "I suppose I'll have to hang on to you until we find you a home. Better get some kitty chow and litter while I'm at it."
Kitty chow? Roy didn't like the sound of that. That was just sooo beneath his dignity. He expected at least gourmet cat food if he absolutely had to eat that disgusting stuff. As for kitty litter? He wasn't even going to think about it. Some things simply couldn't be thought of.
"It needs a name first, Ed!" Hughes announced firmly, a smirk twitching at the corners of his mouth. "We can't keep calling the cat 'it'… Let's see now, boy or girl…" he mused, scooping the cat out of Ed's arms to check.
I'm going to KILL him! Roy fumed. This was beyond humiliating! He summoned up all of his anger and frustration, letting out a very ferocious hiss with both ears flat against his skull and fangs bared ominously.
"Calm down," Hughes admonished him, ignoring the display. "Congratulations, Ed – it's a boy," he said gravely, handing the hissing cat back to Ed.
Ed laughed as he cradled the fuming cat. "I figured."
"Hmm a name…how about Socks?" Fury suggested. Roy felt horrified. Socks? He'd never live it down! He was going to demote Fury for even suggesting that! By a head!
"Nah…too fluffy sounding," Havoc drawled. "How 'bout 'Tom'ahawk? Heh heh." Oh, lame. Roy thought the idea of a fried Havoc was sounding better and better every minute…
"Hmm doesn't sound quite right," Farman said solemnly. "The cat is very much like the Colonel, so he needs a unique name." Ah, Roy thought, this is more like it! "How about…Colonel?" Roy groaned inwardly.
"That's unimaginative," Hawkeye clucked her tongue disapprovingly. Farman looked a bit hurt. "What about…Beretta?" Roy gave an involuntary shudder. No please, not a gun name…
"You really aren't good with names, Hawkeye…" Hughes murmured. Hawkeye looked at him coolly and put a hand on her gun.
"You said something, Hughes?"
"Nothing."
"Thought so."
The cat hissed at all of them spitefully. The pride of the military couldn't think of one, simple, dignified cat name? Roy was ashamed of his staff.
"How 'bout Spitfire?" Ed said thoughtfully, looking at the hissing cat. Roy perked his ears up. Hey…not too bad…for a cat name. It was tolerable. Roy made a small sound at the back of his throat that could signify agreement.
"Perfect!" Hughes snapped his fingers. "Okay, I now dub thee Spitfire" he solemnly gave the cat a pat on the head. Roy tried to bite a finger in retaliation, but Hughes was too quick for him.
"Okay, well, me and the little fireball here are going to go stock up on groceries now," Ed said with a grin. "C'mon Spitfire – let's go."
Roy glared at his subordinates vengefully over Ed's shoulder as Ed walked towards the door. Oh, they were all going to pay once he got back to normal…
To be con't...