I have to excuse myself for the time I've taken to update, so sorry, sorry too as usual for the possible mistakes with the english grammar. I know there hasn't been a lot of angst until now, it's just that I go slowly in the story, I'm a slow person, lol, you'll see it has changed...

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Chapter 5 :

Little Rain

I just hadn't been able sleep that night, too lost in the memories of the previous evening, the feeling of her arms wrapped around my neck, her reassuring smile and her warm eyes. I just hadn't been able to sleep that night, too stray among the revelations of Sarah, Sarah, who I had wanted to give the dreaming life to, who had only had this life in her dreams, and in mine too. The image of her dancing in her pyjamas on her parents' bed had faded in the picture of her as a five years old little girl sitted on a bench at her parents' funeral, I had wanted her to grow with people around her, but she had been alone, nothing had happenned the way I had imagined. I hadn't been able to sleep, because I had realized it had had always been like this in my life... Maggie, Eric, Carter, just Carter, I had thought we would love each other until the end, but the end had been there pretty fast, too fast. Everything had been different from what I had imagined, maybe not everything, I had thought that I would love Carter my whole life, I had thought that I would love this baby my entire existence, I had never broken those promises. I just hadn't been able to sleep that night, because at night I had nothing to think about but them.

The day seemed interminable, a little girl had been brought at the hospital with many wounds, all made by herself, wed had discovered she was only six, and already mentally ill. The parents had been only told about their daughter's disease, and they were already gone, coffee and phone calls to escape from their scare and sadness. The little girl hugged her teddy bear, her hands gripped on the soft animal, as she she was understanding she wouldn't held her mother like before, rocking the toy, as she knew her father wouldn't kiss her goodnight as usual. The day seemed far from usual. But in spite of everything she had only smiled at me, and I hadn't left the side of her bed since then. She wasn't an usual patient, but I couldn't figure the reason why.

The day seemed interminable because I was waiting for a bigger girl.

I still had my hand in the hair of the small child, running my fingers through her blond curls, day dreaming absently, when Sarah entered the room with her silent tranquillity.

" I had the same teddy bear when I was a child."

Her sweet voice lulled me out of my sleepy mind, I turned my head in her direction, a smile, which I was only keeping for her, on my lips, joy dancing in my heart, she was the same, same brown eyes, same long wavy hair, the bright coat, the dark scarf... Her just her.

"Come on, let's go."

The rain played its music, and showed no want to break the melody, I didn't mind, it gave to the restaurant a warm and soothing atmosphere, like together inside we were protected against the world and its dangers, against the future and its changes, against the past and its pain...

"I couldn't sleep this night."

"Me neither." Together, together...

I looked at her, her eyes were far away, I knew she wanted to ask a question, she wanted me to give her some answers, I just didn't know where to begin, where she wanted me to begin, before, after, now, my life, my life had always depended on her, after or now...

"Do you…do you have children ?" She bitted her lower lip, and played nervously with her bracelet, her gaze betraying her regret, like she finally wasn't so sure to want to know the answer.

"No, apart from you, no." There was a relief in her way to watch me, her eyes were travelling from my hair to my hands, a smile, almost a proud smile, I couldn't understand, her smile. Her just her.

"You're married?" Then I understood, she wasn't scared of the answers, she was scared of what they could mean, of her new presence in my life, of her place in my life, if she could only knew my life was hers.

"I've been, but it didn't last, I didn't really love him. I don't really know how I could have thought that I loved him."

We laughed together.

"You've got someone in your life?"

I didn't respond, she was talking about men, but I could on ly think about her, a man, no, but I had always had someone in my life, since this morning, since the letter, someone I didn't know, or I knew more than anybody, I had always had someone in my life, if she could only knew. Her just her.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked..."

"That's okay. I think that sometimes being in love isn't enough." I realized I wasn't only talking about her, it was true for Carter too. There was something in her way of listening, something which keeped me sharing. "I loved him, more than I should have, I think, a lot more, and I don't know, we didn't have the strength to live with all this, we hurted each other, I ran away, and I came back, too late fo him, then he ran away, and he came back, without me..."

"Why didn't you stay?"

"My brother needn't me ... he's bipolar, my mother too, it's a disease which..."

"I know what it is." She cutted me suddently, her voice still calm, not angry, maybe sad, she seemed pained, far away, like this little girl this day separated from her mother, lost in an other world, a world her mother couldn't understand. She looked at me, in my eyes, like she had discovered something, what I couldn't tell, if I only knew. "Would you have keeped me if you had known that I wasn't bipolar?"

She stood up, grabbing slowly her coat, I watched powerless her soft movements, the noise of the rain hitting the window resounding in my hears. I was powerless in front of run away.

"Would you regret to be here if I was bipolar?"

I opened my mouth but couldn't find my voice , powerless in front of her leaving the restaurant, if she only knew how wrong she was. If she only knew...

Her just her.

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To be continuited, tell me what you think please...

Perrine