Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to Youko Matsushita.
NOROWARETA TSUKI
Chapter 9
It could have been worse, of course it could. But for Tsuzuki, it seemed like hell, like a bottom of a deep, very deep hole where you're sitting helplessly and even if you see the light above, you can't reach it.
Exactly. He was able to see Hisoka all the time, whenever he wanted, but they' had parted even if they were together. If his partner no longer was perceiving him, if Tsuzuki was neither in the world of his memories, or whatever reality he had at the moment, it meant that they were truly separated.
The potion had a strong impact on Hisoka, and it was slowly becoming more and more obvious that its effect was irreversible. The teen appeared to be in some kind of a catatonic state, completely limp and with blank stare, he didn't see, didn't speak and it was not sure whether he could hear anything.
But as for Tsuzuki, he has clung to that possible hope and thus, he kept on talking with Hisoka. After few days of just sitting and crying, he used all of his strength to make some decision. He had to do something, and it would work or it would not.
If it would not, another decision was bound to come..
But still, he kept on talking, sometimes bubbling, sometimes it was more serious, as if ignoring the fact that his latter half was not answering. Deep inside, he was thinking that it was useless, but it was covered in a thin veil of hope so he could go on.
Watari was more depressed than he admitted. The sight of the cheerful façade on Tsuzuki's face, as he was going to visit Hisoka was unbearable. Because, being more rational, and not blinded by the despair that could be only denied and not accepted, he has given up the hope. It was half a year, six months, and Bon still was in that strange, semi-catatonic state.
Besides, his knowledge of potions was surely bigger than Tsuzuki's and he had come across that kind of potion earlier. There were few cases when someone drank the liquid made to erase himself; it wasn't anything new for someone who was interested in researches.
The victims had never recovered.
Tatsumi as well was hiding well his feelings. He hated to see his former partner suffer, but that agony hidden under a cheerful mask was worse than open fury and visible pain. Tatsumi felt terribly about Hisoka, too. They had developed a bond, partly connected with work-life and partly based on their common care for Tsuzuki. It was an unusual agreement and a tie of their own, so no one was really aware of its deepness. Strangely, they had grown it almost without significant words.
But now, that lifeless shell was no longer holding the person he had known. Or maybe it was sealed too deeply inside to reach it.
What happened to his soul anyway? Tatsumi felt an unpleasant shiver and once again blocked out that thought.
The only plus was that this freaky bastard was no longer a physical problem. Tsuzuki couldn't hold his fury and after Hisoka passed put, he burst for real, not even trying to stop himself. At least as long as Hisoka was safe.
It seemed that it was the only death Tsuzuki caused that didn't make him feel guilty.
Of course the accident was covered a little, everyone took care of it. Normally, it'd bring some consequences- and "innocent" mortal had died after all. But if it was for Tsuzuki and Muraki, two exceptions although in drastically different ways, it could be let go of. Like, no witnesses, no proofs. The matter of that two poor girls, Arai and Rika, was covered as well.
Needless to say, Hakushaku was eager to overlook those cases by chance, since he didn't want any more problems for Tsuzuki.
When was it going to end? This stifling nightmare which everyone seemed to deny and push away instead of accepting..
But Tatsumi knew it was something that simply couldn't be accepted.
Yuma quietly stepped inside the room and sighed inwardly at the sight of Tsuzuki dialogue with Hisoka, which was, frankly speaking, a monologue. She took a deep breath and approached the bed he was sitting on.
"Tsuzuki…" she said gently and laid her hand on his shoulder. He gave her a positive smile, surely not aware of how forced it looked. She decided not to play hide-and-seek and just blurted out, but it was just her way, simply stating facts and settling the truth.
"When are you going to let him go?" she asked with a serious look and the brunette winced. "And don't try to run away from me today. Just tell me, what do you expect?"
"I believe that he's going to wake up." He answered, with his eyes focused on the figure before him. Hisoka looked beautiful, like a sleeping angel, but his eyes were closed, closed, closed.
"No, you only want to believe." She retorted.
"What's wrong with that?" he uttered with mild annoyance. How many conversations like this one had he had already? They couldn't face the simple fact- he'd wait for him even if that was the rest of his so-called life and that's all, no buts.
"Well.. in particular.. it's not wrong. I should tell you that it's necessary to move on and live for the sake of the ones who need you and blah blah blah, shouldn't I? Damn, I understand that you can't exist without him, right? But.. man, I don't know what to say. I've made a really pretty speech and stuff, but you see, it's not possible. The only fact that remains is that he won't wake up, Tsuzuki, nor we're going to accept it. And it's not only you, everyone stays in that state, trying to stop the time. Because as the time passes, it becomes more obvious and harsh."
Tsuzuki bit on his lip and subconsciously reached to hold his partner's hand. How he wanted this crooked fairy tale to have a happy ending, with lots of sugar and happy ever-afters for everyone. Wasn't there anything?
"Tsuzuki.. it's been almost two years.. Here in Meifu he was examined and we always ignored the advices and statements 'He won't make it' and alike. We can't go on like this, you can't go on. I'm not telling you to accept it.. I'm just no longer sure of anything.. but some decisions need to be made." She whispered and heard that the man was already crying, for the first time since many months.. He has been so embedded in the despair that he forgot how to shed tears. And in Tsuzuki's case it was the most horrible.
"What are you asking me for?" he asked, but Yuma only gave in and shook her head helplessly, disappointed with herself and with that conversation which turned into something it was not supposed to. 'I don't know anymore' was written in her gestures.
But Tsuzuki already knew.
TBC.
This story is full of bad cliffhangers. Please, forgive me!
I'm in good mood for writing angsty fics though, all depressed and confused, so I should write the next (last) part soon. This part was going to be the last one, but somehow, the story ignored me again :)
Please leave a review! Thank you.